Had to Walk Away

I couldn't sleep, the combination of the new sounds from the house and Harry's messages had my brain and heart working overtime. Rolling over to switch my bedside lamp on, I picked up my phone and reread what Harry had written for the tenth time. What had he been typing then decided not to send? I was asking for time, which I did need but for all Harry's talk of loving me, I couldn't deny that I wished he was fighting for me a little.
I scrolled through various websites to get some decor ideas, hoping paint colours and fluffy fabrics would distract me but my thoughts were somewhere else, mainly wherever Harry was.
Reading his messages again, I let myself type,
'Are you awake?'
And before I could talk myself out of it, I pressed send.
The phone ended at the bottom of the bed while my knees shot up to my chest leaving me with my arms around calves, regretting my whole life for caving in. Correction, I wasn't caving in, I was just open to a conversation; even Will had got that much.
My eyes went to everything in the room apart from my phone, convincing myself that if I didn't look at it he would reply sooner.
I nearly screamed with relief when the phone lit up, but it was short lived when I realised that Harry hadn't text, but he was in fact ringing.
"Hello?"
"Yes, I'm awake." Hearing him speak was enough to bring a lump to my throat, I was determined not to just let his actions slide but I missed him and would have done anything to have him there with me. "What are you doing up so late?"
"I can't sleep." I feebly replied. "Where are you?"
"My hotel room," he answered before adding quickly, "in Düsseldorf."
"So it's late for you too?"
It was small talk, uncomfortable and polite but it felt so nice to be speaking with him, to hear his voice after so long.
"I can't sleep either, the post show adrenaline is a nightmare sometimes, and..." He paused, taking a deep breath. "I'm in shock that you finally replied to me."
Sighing, I lay down and closed my eyes to pretend Harry was next to me. "I nearly didn't. You caught me in the right mood."
"In that case, can we meet when I come back? I'll only be in London for a couple of days, but we need to talk and I'll be away for your birthday so I want to see you before that."
He hit me out of left field. I wasn't used to anyone other than Rose remembering or caring about my birthday, certainly not enough that they'd mention it almost two months before.
"I guess we can meet, in fact, if you'd like to come see my new house you're more than welcome." I said it and wished I could take it back. The house was not up to the standard where I could pretend I hadn't done anything and there was still so much to do but it in fact looked immaculate.
"You have your own place?" He asked, voice starting to sound sleepy but still excited. "I can't wait to see it."
He yawned and I was about to suggest we both hang up and go to sleep,
"I'm sorry for what I did, it was immature but I panicked that I was feeling more for you than you were for me." Once again, he took me by surprise. His honesty was the kind that only happened at 2am and you can't see the other person's reaction, he laughed softly. "Me and my bruised ego."
I didn't know what to say, I was coming to terms with the fact there was a chance I loved him back but I was bruised emotionally and mentally by everything that had happened in the past year, vulnerability was not my area of expertise at this time.
"I sort of understand, you'd have been a figment of my imagination and dead to me of it was the other way around." I laughed, trying to hide the crazy person inside of me who wanted to spill the details of the mess I'd become when he'd vanished. "You'll just have to make it up to me."
"I will!" Suddenly, Harry was wide-awake again. "I promise I won't ever let you down like that, Lil, I thought about you all the time."
"Even when you were with...her?" I asked tartly, reminding him that I wasn't stupid or falling for any bullshit.
Harry went quiet and I felt guilty but I didn't say anything to make the moment better. I had every right to be angry. Neither of us said anything for a while and I wondered what was going through his head. Was he thinking of a way to reassure me or remembering a particular fond memory of the leggy brunette super model that was making him regret talking to the old, fat blonde divorcee.
"Yes," I flinched at his voice, thinking the silence would last forever, "even when I was with her."
My first thought was that he was lying. I'd seen what she looked like and I wouldn't blame him for forgetting my name around her, but despite everything, I trusted Harry. Ok, I didn't trust him entirely, but his silence hadn't been from trying to think of an excuse. Harry was fucked either way. He knew I would think less of him for thinking of me when he was with someone else, for using them, and I'd hang up if he had just been caught in a lie about thinking of me.
"It's late." I whispered. I suddenly felt exhausted and emotional. I fought back tears and wished I hadn't answered his call. "You should get some sleep."
"Baby, don't get upset." The softness in his voice made the need to cry even larger. "Everything will work out, I promise. I'll come see you and we can talk properly."
"We'll see." I sighed and looked at the clock, it was already nearly half 3. "I had better go, we both need sleep."
"Ok." Concern covered those two letters and I wanted to tell him that he was right, everything would work out but I couldn't. "Goodnight, sleep well."
"'Night, and you too."
I could hear him saying 'I love you' as I hung up, I had done it unintentionally but it had saved me the awkwardness of not saying it back again. Hopefully, Harry knew this time that while I wasn't throwing 'I LOVE YOU'S' like confetti, it didn't mean that it wouldn't happen eventually.
As I drifted to sleep I vowed that when he came over to talk, I'd make sure he knew that I would get to that point, he would just have to be patient and understanding.

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