Had to Walk Away

After Rose left, I headed upstairs and started to potter around in my bedroom. I put away towels and toiletries in the bathroom but the exhaustion hit so I started to make the bed. My body ached with the need to just flop down onto the soft sheets and sleep for days.
I was wrestling with the duvet cover when the doorbell rang loudly, first night alone nerves had my heart jump to my throat but I looked at my watch and knew exactly who it was. I headed to answer the door, my tired smile growing at the tall, slim frame silhouetted in the glass,
"Hello, you." I opened the door and folded my arms across my chest.
"Alright, darlin'" he grinned, handing me a bottle of champagne.
Joel was a guy Dionne had introduced me to. I had made it clear I wasn't interested in dating but she set us up anyway and I was surprised by how quickly we had settled into... Whatever it was we were doing, I guess the best description would be flirtatious pals.
"Amazing how you turn up when most of the hard work is done." Teasing, I kissing him on the cheek and led him into the slightly less box filled living room.
"I told you, I was busy with my girls." He settled down on the sofa and patted the seat next to him for me to join him, which I did. "Got here as soon as I could."
"Did you do anything fun?"
"We took them to the zoo for Tara's birthday, now she wants to be a penguin." He laughed, reaching out and grabbing my hand. "I missed you though."
Leaning over, he kissed me gently, hands wrapping around my waist to pull me closer to him. We had done nothing more than kiss, anytime things started to heat up, I would disappear inside my own brain and hit the brakes.
He was sweet, and caring and really funny. I couldn't deny he was sexy, ridiculously so, and the way he was with his daughters was amazing but I couldn't bring myself to go that next step with him. He thought it was because I was staying with Rose and because I was still fragile from splitting with Will. I let him think those things, but it wasn't the truth at all.
"Are you ok?" He asked, noticing that I wasn't getting into his attempts at seduction.
"Yes," I lied, "I'm just really tired."
He grinned and started to kiss my neck, whispering, "let's go to bed then." His mouth was hot but it didn't feel right, quite the opposite in fact.
"That's not what I meant," I laughed and pulled away to stand up, "I need to sleep."
His smile faltered as it dawned on him I was kicking him out. He was trying to take things full steam ahead, but there was a reason we were flirtatious pals and not friends with benefits, I just wasn't ready to sleep with him.
"Well, I have football in the morning so I'd better get going." He stood and stretched, a glimpse of his perfectly sculptured stomach made me wonder why I was fucking up the chance to have a lot of fun with him, but still I thanked him for his gift and promised to call him in the week to organise going to dinner.
When eventually I crawled into bed, I felt drunk, sleepy and content. I felt bad about being so off with Joel but it was nice to be in my own bed, the bed from my own room in Will's old house, on my own for the first night in my house. My house. I kept saying it but it was so hard to believe that I was having trouble letting it sink in.
This wasn't going to be an easy journey, but it was exciting to be on my own facing the big, bad world. Harry popped into my head, and I couldn't believe I was the same person he'd come up to in that bar, the same person who'd gone to that hotel and been too weak to walk away. I couldn't with all honestly say that I regretted not leaving Harry that first meeting, but the new Layla wouldn't be so easily swayed by false romantic promises.
I picked up my phone to set my alarm, tomorrow would be spent unpacking so I needed to get up and make an early start.
Two messages.
'I know you don't want to talk to me, but I ran into Rose a few weeks back and I haven't been able to get you out of my head. I just want to know you're ok, and if you need anything I'm here. H x'
'I didn't lie when I said I loved you, but I got scared when you didn't say it back. I want to see you when I'm back in London.'
Heart racing and my stomach in knots, I stared up at the ceiling and wondered if I should reply. He had taken me by surprise that was for sure. I half expected never to hear from him again, to have Harry as some surreal dalliance in my life where I'd randomly had an affair with a pop star, that I'd think back on and ask myself 'Did that really happen?'. I had not expected a deceleration of love, to hear that he hadn't lied about his feelings for me.
'Just give me some time, Harry. I need to work out if I can get past what you did.'
I pressed send and watched as the two little ticks changed to blue. He had started to type but then stopped. I paused and waited to see if he'd start typing again, when he didn't I deleted the next message I'd been about to send, not ready to be vulnerable with Harry again just yet.
'I love you too xxx'

Notes