Prodigal

~3.10~

The scientific term for it is nocturnal emission. The layman’s term is wet dream. Call it whatever you want, I woke up at 2 in the morning with semen in my pajamas.

Humiliation. Shame. Disgust. Those are all emotions that are fairly standard to feel after this happens. Boys…men…those that identify as male feel this way when this happens to them.

So how can I describe how I feel when this happens to me? A trans girl?

It’s hard enough to feel comfortable in my own skin. It’s hard enough to convince world, convince the myself, that I’m a girl when I have a penis. So how am I supposed to feel like a girl when I’m ejaculating sperm?

Fuck misgendered puberty.

If the pharmaceutical companies had their shit together, this wouldn’t be a problem. I could take the Antiandrogen I’m supposed to have and my testosterone would be blocked, and this wouldn’t have happened.

The worst part is that this was a blatant message: My body is full of new testosterone and it is functional testosterone.

I got into the shower and I turned the water onto as hot as it got. I felt the water burn against my skin as I poured the body wash on myself and scrubbed as hard as I could.

I wanted the semen off of me. I don’t want it. I don’t want it in me, I don’t want it on me, I don’t want it to exist.

But no matter how hard I scrubbed, I still didn’t feel clean.

Notes

Yeah, this chapter is pretty intense.

I've hit another low-key writer's block for Icing on the Cake, but I'll post again ASAP