Love Ridden

It’s been well over a month now and I finally feel like I’m not wrapped in chains. I feel free. I’ve moved on. And although it feels sad, it also feels amazing. It feels wonderful to not long for someone who doesn’t even want me the way I want them.

Finally, I think I’ve actually let him go.

Today I am out doing normal weekend things: running errands, buying groceries. Right now, I am in the drugstore and I am buying shampoo.

But maybe I’m not as free as I thought I was because I’ve just stopped myself from picking up the bottle that I know is in Niall’s shower. I will not let myself smell it. I will not let myself remember this little piece of him. I know it is too late though.

I remember it all. Everything. I can even hear his voice clearly in my head. I can hear him saying my name. I can hear his laugh and it makes my heart contract. Responding how it’s always responded to Niall, it beats faster, tries to jump from my chest. Each beat stronger is than the last like it is racing towards what it wants most in this world.

That's when I realize I have not let him go. Not even a little bit. I’ve just pushed him to the back of my brain. I’ve packed him away like a high school yearbook. I piled boxes on top of him and thought that would be enough to keep him away.

Suddenly, though my eyes are playing tricks on me because clear as a blue sky, I see him. It's Niall. He is walking towards me. His arms are open, outstretched to me. His smile, the widest it’s ever been. He looks too happy exactly like the night my life changed, but this time I’m the reason for that happiness.

I feel his arms wrap around me. I hear my basket drop to the floor. But the noise is nothing compared to the explosion that is sounding in my ears. I have been hit by a freight train of emotion. I feel myself melt into him. I feel my arms involuntarily wrap around him. I feel him hug me even closer. Holding me against his body, his arms are strong, stronger than my will has ever been.

"Where have you been?! You literally fell off the face of the planet. And did you change your number? Why haven’t you called me? Or answered my texts?" His questions are overwhelming me. I was not ready for this. I can’t handle this right now. I can feel myself start to hyperventilate.

I try to control it.

I tell myself to calm down.

I tell my brain to tell my lungs to breath normally.

I look up into his sweet face. It’s like looking at the sun. My eyes are burning, stinging. “It’s nice to see you Niall but I’ve got to go.” And somehow I pull myself out of his arms. I somehow force my feet to walk away. I somehow ignore him calling out to me.

And I drive. I drive away. I drive straight home without knowing exactly how I got there. I collapse inside. I hear my phone. It is yelling at me, screaming incessantly. I know exactly who it is but I look anyway. Just like I thought, it's Niall. I don’t answer. Pressing ignore, I send him to voicemail.

Then I crumble all over again.

Just let me go. Let me play over and over. The same song. The same part. Let me keep skipping in the same spot. Over and over. Let me be a broken record.

Because that’s exactly what I am.

Notes