Love Ridden

Letting Niall go is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s not only that I’m letting go of this love that I feel, but I’m losing my friend too. I’m losing so much more than I thought I would and I’ve questioned my choice a thousand times.

Is this right? Maybe I’m better off living with the pain? Maybe it won’t hurt so much this time?
But deep down I know that I will hurt. If I go back it will feel like spikes to my heart. Like lashes from a whip. Like fire licking my wounds.

No, I tell myself every morning, I have made the right decision.

I haven’t seen him in a month, an entire thirty days without his smile without his stupid adorable face. I haven’t heard his voice, haven’t made him laugh. I have gone without him.

I didn’t cut him out cold turkey, throwing him away like my last pack of cigarettes. I used him like a patch. I tried to wean myself of him. Slowly, I stopped going out when I knew he would be there. I stopped answering his calls. I ignored his texts. I just let him become another number in my phone.

Like a drug, I went through withdrawals. I ached for him. I woke in the middle of the night with the smell of his skin in my nose, drenched in cold sweats. I could feel him next to me as I went through my day.

Oh God. I just wanted one more hit, one more moment with him, but I knew I couldn’t have that.
That didn’t stop me from having moments of weakness. Moments where I sat with my phone in my hand, my fingers hovering over the words call or send. Messages of loneliness. Messages of sadness. Messages that told him how much I missed him. I imagined myself telling him things I should never say out loud.

"I dreamt of you last night. Like I do almost every night…"
"Thoughts of you are always floating inside of head…"
"If your body was a religion, I would have faith in only you. Your skin would be a holy text, each part of you a hymn begging to be sung. And I would worship you all the days of my life…"

But I don’t call him. I don’t text him. I don’t say any of those things out loud.

I just put my phone down and I walk away.

I have let Niall go. And I’m hoping that this dull ache I still feel will slowly fade away soon.

Notes