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Homepage › Stories › Reviews, Tips and What-Not › Chapter 11

Reviews, Tips and What-Not

Review: Menacing.

Menacing by Jules . Tomlinson

So it was good. No mistakes, The only thing I have to say is that you use a bit too much numbers. As in, 23 minutes, 24 Degrees, and 8:23AM. The thing you use the most out of the three is the time. You have a bit too much times in your story,

Examples: I threw the covers off me, instantly regretting it because it's so cold. About 24 degrees outside I may add, don't get me wrong, I love Winter. But I'm from California in the U.S., cold for me was 65 degrees and below.
The ride was about 7 minutes, so I was 2 minutes early. I locked the car and put my phone in my back pocket. I walked into the bar, I work until 8 pm tonight, but I'm getting paid more since Brett asked me to be early. Usually I start my shift at 4 pm.

(Extracts From Your Story)

Also, its fine to have numbers when its for the time but you have to use the word otherwise. As in - The ride was about seven minutes, so I was two minutes early

So yeah, the number thing was quite irritating. A little less numbers in the future.Otherwise than that your story was really good and it was well written. You're a great author. 7 and a half/10.

Notes

NONE.. ;)

Comments

@kkgal14
Thanks. ;) I would love to do the review. It will be up as soon as i get it done :)

DarlingKK_123 DarlingKK_123
1/27/15

Could you review my story Ink? I loved the underused chapter. You make some valid arguments my friend xx.

kkgal14 kkgal14
1/27/15

Omg I totally agree. I will check your story out. What really pisses me off is I've used many of these ideas that have not been noticed. I had this one story called Desiree, which is about this girl who is madly obsessed with Harry, and does all of these wicked things to be with him. She's the criminal/psycho lol! I also did a story once where the girl was the player, and Harry's the new kid. So, almost every boy in the high school worships over this girl, even the girls at the school suck up to her, which gives this girl a big head. But the thing is, Harry sees nothing great about her, while she's crushing on him. She asks him out several times, doing all kinds of things to get him to like her back, but gets rejected by him over and over again, which she's not used to happening. At the end, what's supposed to happen is the girl finally sees why Harry doesn't like her; because she treats everyone terribly and believes popularity is everything. Slowly, gradually she begins to change her ways on her own, and Harry likes who she's become. It was a decent story line in my opinion, but no one was interested in reading it back then. I could tell you so many of my story ideas that I have. There's many that are different from what's on this site.

One Direction 1O1 One Direction 1O1
1/27/15

I'm interested in the underused chapter coming up. I'm alway looking for tips. :)

xRockMex xRockMex
1/26/15

I'm over the whole Darcy thing! It drives me crazy when in a fan fiction the main character and Harry end up naming their baby girl Darcy. My friend told me she read a Niall fan fic where his little girls name was Darcy. Wtf??

One Direction 1O1 One Direction 1O1
1/26/15
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