Sorry starts to mean less, when you hear it so much.

"She hates me and she doesn't even know me."

"Anne is usually a very nice person, I swear." Louis bumps our shoulder together, and smiles. He wraps an arm over my shoulder, and sighs. "That being said, she is also crazy protective when it comes to her kids. Especially Harry, because of his life style."

"I understand that," Ben helps, "But that doesn't give her a right to berate Presley. Some of her questions were ridiculous, I don't care who she is. No one should ever be rude, even if they were trying to do good."

"I tried," I whisper. "I swear I did."

"We believe you," Louis utters. "It's not your fault, Pretzel. Anne doesn't know the truth about what happened. She wouldn't have been so nice to Harry and me, if she knew." Louis' looks down, and Ben reacts faster than I do.

He slings an arm around his shoulders, and rubs his limb. I make a face, and blink.

"Louis, you need to let that go. I'm trying to, and it won't help if you're stuck there bringing it back. I want to be your friend again but--"

"No, no buts, Pretzel. You're the best friend I've ever had, and I forbid you from trying to change that." His words are far less serious than his eyes. It's freighting, really.

"Lou, you can't really tell me what to do."

"No?"

"Nope. No, not ever. Not now. Not tomorrow. Sorry."

"You don't sound sorry at all," he grumbles. He moves from Ben's hold (and since when are these two comfort close?) he stands and crosses his arms over his chest stubbornly. "I don't take being told no, very well Preztel. Ask Be--" Suddenly everything starts to play itself out in my head.

Louis and Ben have spent so much time together.

When was the last time Louis' mentioned Eleanor?

Where in the fuck did Ben get that bruise on his shoulder?

And why is Louis' so comfortable around him?

Why is he putting his arm aroun-- Oh. Okay. Fuck.

Something's happening. I can smell a rat.

"Lou," his head bows, and Ben mirrors him. Yes. Something is happening, and I think I have an idea. "Ben are you-- you're with El-- oh my God-- you two--" My mouth pops open as I put the pieces together. Oh my fuck, I'm slow. "You're straight." I accuse with a pointed finger at Louis' chest.

"It just happened," Louis mumbled. "I don't know how-- we got so close, and El and I were drifting apart, and Ben-- you, I thought, I was straight..."

I look at Ben hoping he'll be better at explaining this. Hoping he'll understand it for me. "You and Harry were at the hotel, right after cleaning out your flat," Ben sits up and starts toying with his fingers. "After Louis' had shown up to help you actually start cleaning, he came over to tell me he was going to take my place as your best friend, and I decked him--"

"You punched him?" Maybe I'm hearing things now. Maybe I'm asleep and I'm only imaging this.

"Right in the fucking eye," Louis chuckles sitting back down, head still low. "He kept hitting me too. I finally reacted and tackled his arse down, and I landed on top and, well--" he shrugs and rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. "I had been fighting with Eleanor for a while now, about me being away, about being less interested than I used to be. About everything. That night I kind of kissed Ben and it was... I don't know, I was only doing it to freak him out and I ended up liking it. Freaked myself out instead."

"I'm a little freaked out myself." I say. "Ben--"

"I liked it too," he says before I can keep going. "I didn't think I would, and I fucking did, and it's creeping me out, because you know me Presley. You know I always used to think Louis was an annoying, little bitch, with too many unasked for opinions."

"You used too?" What is happening?!

"Now, I find him fucking cute. Seriously, I find his obnoxious comments so freaking endearing I'm thinking about recording him twenty-four-seven, so I'll never have to be without them." Ben looks hopelessly confused.

Like he can't believe this is happening to him.

I can't believe this is happening to him.

"You think I'm cute," Louis blushes and grins wide at Ben.

"You are so fucking cute," Ben sighs. "I kind of hate it."

"Oh shit, you guys aren't shitting me? You two actually-- Ben, don't play with me right now. I'm fragile."

"Baby," Ben likes to call me baby when he's serious, but now. Now that-- oh God, what is the truth? "We are not playing with you. At least I'm not."

Louis frowns. "I'm not playing with her either."

"Don't pout," Ben rolls his eyes, and my stomach twirls. "No one is saying you are, Lou. We haven't discussed anything though--" he shrugs.

"Doesn't mean I'm not serious, Ben."

I hold my hand up, with wide eyes. "Before you two break up, can we recap for a second?" They both nod, and Louis sits back down, shoulders in line with Ben's, his hand suspiciously in his lap. Okay. "Ben, you like Louis?"

"Yes," Louis looks down trying his best to hide his obvious grin.

"Louis, you're not with Eleanor anymore?"

"No."

"Because you're with-- oh my Hell, because you're with B-Ben-- holly fuck, how long have we not talked!?"

"It happen slowly. You were always with Harry, or something having to do with Harry. Louis' kept coming by, and we started talking. He mentioned his problems, I talked about mine, and he's helped me." I feel a sting of guilt, knowing I haven't been the best friend, that I could be.

Because I'm selfish, and too caught up.

I'm terrible, honestly. I'm also a bit sad, and I miss Harry. Fuck me. I miss Harry.

"Ben, I'm sorry I haven't--"

"No, Presley. Don't apologize. Without you, Louis and I would still be at each others throats."

"Well, we still kind of are," Louis smirks.

"Oh my God," I drop my head in my hands. "Are you guys committed-- or?" The talk heads for a serious right, and Ben shrugs nonchalantly. And I know it's because he doesn't want Louis' to see how he's really feeling. Doesn't want to freak Louis' out, I think.

"Louis and I haven't discussed anything, Presley. But when we do, you'll be the first to know."

"At this point, you and El-bell will never make up, Ben." I remind him, ending my statement with a breathless laugh. Ben smiles, and rubs his forehead.

"I know." He groans. "How is she?" His focus shifts to Louis.

His forehead wrinkles, and a sigh leaves his lips. "She's relived she won't have to try for the both of us now. She was shocked when I told her about us, and she-- she was massively sweet, and I felt-- I still feel like a total dick for stringing her along for so long. She said she hopes that whatever we decide on works out, and brings us peace."

"Are you going to stay friends?" Ben asks.

"Would that be a problem?" Oh, they're having a couple conversation and I'm third wheeling. Okay then.

Ben shakes his head. "No, despite everything, I really do care about Eleanor. I know Presley really cares about her, and you've spent the past four years with her, Lou. I don't have any right to get in the way of that."

"Why don't you guys talk through everything, and I'll be up in my room." I murmur dazed. Ben nods, but
Louis grabs my hand before I can walk away.

"This is okay, right? For you, I mean. You're okay with it?" Even if I wasn't I wouldn't get in their way. It's not fair. It's not who I am-- it's not who I try to be, at least.

"I like you happy, Louis'. You're my friend, and Ben is my friend. You don't need my approval for this, and even if you did. I'm okay. I'm shocked as fuck, but I'm okay, I have a desperate need to hug El-bell, but that's only because I miss her. I think you're okay right now, and I'll do whatever you need me too, to keep you okay. Okay?"

Our gazes remain locked, Louis searching mine for something, but I don't know what. I don't know a lot right now.

"I love you," he says a few seconds after. "I mean it, Pretzel. I love the bloody fuck out of you." I laugh quietly, shaking my head. I smile one last time, and begin the walk up the stairs, when Louis' shouts, "Say it back!"

Once I'm at the top step I yell. "I love you too."
****
There is a deep feeling in my chest. It's not a happy feeling, and I wish I wasn't such a girl. I wish I was the girl Harry's mom was expecting. Or at least tolerated.

Gemma was sweet, and funny. She looks just like Harry. Especially when she smiles. Her eyes crinkle the same, and her mouth stays open. She's a happy person, and it's nice when there is always someone sad around me.

Usually it's me.

Anne isn't going to like me. Not right now at least, and I tried. I should have tried sooner, but I don't think the outcome would have been any different. So for now, I'll lay down, and try my hardest not to cry for blowing it. For letting Harry down.

I'll try and think about Louis' and Ben's budding, unexpected, impossible-- but maybe not impossible, if it's happening, romance. I'll try and come up with a plan, so they won't end up like me.

I feel the bed dip behind me, but my eyes are heavy. I just want to sleep. I really just want to sleep.
Cold lips kiss my cheek, and warm breath fans over the side of my head. "You are all I care about," Harry rasps. "You didn't deserve that, and I don't deserve you."

I don't agree. So I shake my head, and pull his arm, so he lays down. He's not comfortable though. He gently turns me on my back, and lays his head on my chest, his arms clinging to me. Keeping me grounded, and warm.

"I love you, and I'm sorry."

"Okay," I mumble. I'm so tired.

"Please say it. Even if I don't deserve it." Harry's voice is shaky and his arms tighten around me. But, I'm not going anywhere. Where would I go?

"I love you, baby, baby, baby." I do and it's hard sometimes.

Notes

I'm writing a book. I think I can do it. I think it'll help people.