How soon did you forget, they way we used to be?

There are various points in a day. You have early morning, where one is still slow and sleep filled. Followed by midday, that consists of in-between snacks and normal movement. Then comes late afternoon. Families have surely gathered around a table as they share a meal that was either prepared in a matter of minutes or has just seen the outside of a microwave.

And when these points come to an end, you're left with the night.

I spend this point of the day alone.

I make it a priority to, anyway. I like to think I need this time more than I need interaction from anyone.
But today is midday Saturday and I'm on my way home. My bag is packed, Louis is signing a few papers and I have to face everything I don't want to.

"Ready?"

"Yeah," Louis smiles kindly and adjusts the strap of his duffle bag. "We're going out the back right?"

"Obviously, Presley."

"Good," I muster a sigh of pure relief and walk along side Louis as a familiar man opens the door and nods as he leads us to the waiting car. The door traps us inside the vehicle. I turn my shoulder sideways and thanks to the seat, I can see Louis' face. "Thank you," in a way I'm trying to say thank you for everything. For showing up when Harry called. For putting up with my insecure behavior. For staying when he had no reason to. "You didn't have to stay and I'm really grateful you did. Thank you."

"Thanks for not kicking me out." Louis mutters.

"You wouldn't have left even if I tried," Louis' stubborn and I know the outcome of trying to get him to leave and I know I wouldn't be able to get him to set a foot outside the door. "What happens now?"

"That all depends on you."

"That's overwhelming," my choices can affect him and the future of our friendship. And I guess the question is-- do I want a friendship with him?

I don't know the answer.

"It doesn't have to be," Louis smiles small and nervous, "Presley it's never been anything but easy with us. That doesn't have to change now."

"Let's go," Louis sighs behind me but doesn't push the situation further. That's a great thing, really. Not being pushed until I'm close to breaking. It's a relief almost. I'm never confused. I'm so used to you. "Can we hang out again? Soon, I mean."

"Yeah, as long as Ben can be there."

Louis pulls a face and leans his head back with a groan, "fine, fine."

****

"Presley! Oh my God, where are you?! Presley!" There's a distinctive sound of clashing and a muffled groan, followed by soft cursing. I think I should walk out before Ben kills himself, or goes unconscious. I step out of my room and clear my throat. "I know yo-- Presley!" Ben spins and runs towards me, his arms circling around me and squeezing me tightly. "I've missed you." Ben's soft sob is muffled by the side of neck.

"Ben--"

"I missed you," Ben stresses.

"I missed you too," I pull back and connect our eyes. "Why do you look like you're about to cry?"

"Because I am," he whines, slapping my arm, "I've been worried all week that you hate me for letting Harry kidnap you." He wraps me in his arm again and it's nice. Being with Ben is nice. It's familiar and I need familiar right now. "Did you have fun with Harry?" It's Ben's wide eyed, curious expression that dries up my throat and has my head spinning.

Ben doesn't know Harry left me alone. Okay. Okay, Ben is clueless and it might just be a blessing.

"I--" I can't break it to Ben. Not when he looks so excited and happy with himself, because he honest to God believes I'm okay right now. That he's responsible for getting me this happy. "It was nice." I say instead. "Thank you for your part."

"You're absolutely welcome," Ben beams like a child. "You can bake for me as a thank you. Right now, tell me everything!"

Well, Harry left after he found out I used to have sex with Jesse. He ran back to Jasmine and my dad saw the pictures of us at the hospital. Oh and Jesse called and then hung up after finding out I was with Harry.

"Not much to tell," I shrug. And there is a lot to tell. Tons and tons actually. It's just not exactly a good idea to tell you. "We talked most of the time." Well, before he left anyway.

"And that's not as sexy as I had expected," Ben mutters perplexed. "Had expected glory details about wild and rough nights, eating off of each other, fifty shades of--"

"Okay then," only Ben would expect such smut to come from Harry and I. "We're not you and whoever you go to bed with."

"You're such a bitch."

"And you may be a sex addict that will undeniably be going to Hell." Ben rolls his eyes and puckers his lips, blowing air from between them. "What have you been doing while I was away? The café get busy?"

"George missed you while you were gone and it was slow mostly. A few busy morning thanks to Uni picking up, but otherwise I had it pretty easy."

"I missed George too," it becomes a bit sad when you're so used to something and it not happening. "I'm thinking about heading home earlier than anticipated." I bring up unexpectedly.

And Ben is surprised, because his brows furrow and it's a few seconds until he nods. "Your dad called then?"

"He did," I sigh, "they're worried and dad wants me to come home so I can get distance or something. My mom knows Russell was here."

"M'sorry about that," Ben bites his bottom lip and grabs my hand, "it slipped out."

"I'm not mad," I squeeze his hand and lean back against the chair my body has relaxed in. "I was a bit blindsided. But I'm not mad. In a way it was better she find out from you than it just coming out and making everything awkward."

"Are you mad I let Harry drag you to your and Caleb's place?"

"No. I needed that." I needed a push I guess.

I may also need therapy, but I won't let anyone know about that.

"So we're okay? You still like me? I'm still your best friend? Cause you're mine."

I chuckle softly and squeeze his fingers again. "We're fine Ben. We're still idiots that are stuck with each other."

"Good," Ben grins lopsided. Ben has a relatively kind face and people generally don't think he's strong.

But he is. He's also patient and for some odd reason he still likes me. And I like that.

I really, really, really like that.

****
When I was six my dad told me it was better to let things go and hope they come back to you.
It was easier to understand when I was six.

Thirteen years later, it has become the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I'm not doing it by choice. Though if I say I am it doesn't make me seem so pathetic.

It's currently night. It's dark and lonely and the quiet is much louder than any noise I've ever heard.

My phone is buzzing. Constantly making an unwanted 'buzz'.

I know who it is.

Fuck, I've had his number memorized way before I had my own.

'Buz'. 'Buz.' 'Buz.'

It's obnoxious and stupid and it's not helping me in any way.

"I'm going to head down to the café," Ben says as he stops by my door. "I have to get the pay stubs down to the bank and I have to make our weekly deposit. I'll be back in thirty. Do you want anything while I'm out?"

I shake my head and look up smiling. "No, thanks."

"Love you," Ben mumbles. My phone rings again and the buzzing is loud enough for Ben's eyes to drop and look at it. "Gonna answer that?"

"Maybe," I shrug, trying to sound nonchalant. But I've never been quite good at that. "Might just let it go to voice mail. Mom's a handful."

"Okay," he responds slowly. Almost like he doesn't believe I'm telling the truth. And I'm not. So. "I'll see you, then." I nod once and relax when Ben accepts my short answers and walks out.
It's night and my phone has become a bigger issue than it should ever be.

'Buzz'. 'Buz.' 'Buz.'

This shouldn't be bothering me as much as it should. My phone should not be vibrating with Harry's number. Harry should not be calling at all.

'Buzz'. 'Buz.' 'Buz.'

It's driving me mad. Slowly and exquisitely. I need a distraction. Maybe I need a drink. Maybe I do need to go home.

'Buzz'. 'Buz.' 'Buz.'

I can't do this anymore. I can't let shit go. It's not who I am. It's not who I have ever been. I know that much.

I also know I don't know who I am anymore.

'Buzz'. 'Buz.' 'Buz.'

I can't keep doing this.

And I'm not going to. No. Fuck that. So with a shaking hand I bring the phone up to my ear, and I desperately try to remember where I put my inhaler, because I'm about to go down. "

"Please, leave me alone. Stop calling. Stop showing up. Leave me alone, Harry. Please."

"Baby--"

"Stop," begging is the only thing I can do at this point. It sounds stupid and I know it makes me look weak. So fucking weak. But I don't know what else to do. I feel helpless. I'm nineteen. I should not feel helpless and I do. "Harry, you need to stop."

"Presley I don't... Fuck, baby, I'm selfish. I know that--"

"You don't know anything, Harry," I don't think anyone ever truly knows anything. Ever.

"Baby, I had to leave. I had to--"

"You didn't have to do anything! Do you get that?" Right now, I'm beyond grateful for the distance, because I don't think I'd be able to handle hearing Harry's sobs in person. Don't think I could stand to see Harry's eyes fill with water and his face crumble. "Harry you need to--"

"Don't say it," he whimpers. "Say anything but that."

"You don't even know what I'm about to say."

"No, but I can feel it."

"You did this. You chose this, not me." This was never my choice. Harry has never been a choice for me. He was never an option. He still isn't. "I love you Harry. You know that. Fuck, even Jasmine knows that." The thought of her knowing that makes my stomach drop. "I need to realize that I love you a fucking lot more than you love me."

"That's not true," Harry tries with a short whimper.

"But it is, Harry. Look, where you are right now."

"I--"

"You left Harry. You walked out and left me alone. Face it. Move on. Get married, I don't care."

"Don't say that! Presley, let me come over and we can talk. We can...fuck, I don't know. We can--"

"We can't do anything. You can't come over."

"Please--"

"You don't get it! I can't keep hoping that you will, eventually. I'm going to go home Harry. I'm going to get away and I might not come back for a while, I don't know. I might find someone who loves me the way I love you. I don't know, but at least I won't be the same, stupid girl that keeps making excuses for you."

I click the end call button before he can say anything else.

I don't want to hear what he has left to say. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to give Harry anymore power than he already has over me.

I love Harry. I've always loved Harry and I might always will. But maybe-- maybe it's time I try not too.

Notes

I can feel a storm coming and I can't wait. Literally cannot wait. Xx