They say your loves not real. But that's not the way it feels.

"Yeah, I'm just closing up now. The floors took ages to clean. You're absolute shit at it."

"Okay well that's what you're there for. Hurry up now. There's a lot to do before you leave tomorrow."

"Yeah, okay. I'll see you in a few I guess." The line clicks and thankfully the milk steamer is done self cleaning. The floors have been thoroughly washed and waxed and all the cups, spices, coffee brands, cake mixes, and doilies have been put in their God given place.

Ben has been emotional the last few days. Says he's not feeling well, but I know Ben well enough to know that, that's no true.

As much as Ben doesn't want to admit why he's been this way, it's obvious. At least to me.

I won't see this café for a while. Won't see the sign that reads 'Caleb's' in big black letters. And even though I detest waking up so early and the burns that accumulate from the daily drink making, I'm going to miss this place.

I'm going to miss George and the way he lights up at the offered scone and coffee. I'm going to miss being around Ben every second, every day. I'm going to miss him in general and the way he likes to mother me.

Things are going to change and going home just makes it official.

I'm not a fan of change. I try to particularly avoid it at all cost. But this is one that needs to happen and I know that.

Whether I want it to or not. Whether I'm ready for it. And I May never be ready for it. It's a lot to take in and and it feels so different. Not liberating how I had hoped, and not suffocating in the way I feared.

****
The keys are jiggling in the door knob and it's bitter cold outside.

Luckily it's not snowing and sadly it's not warm enough not to get hypothermia. It finally becomes okay when I'm granted access and, well. I'm free from this cold.

"Ben?"

"Kitchen." He calls back.

I set my things down and attempt to make my way without tripping (and for me that's not as easy as it should be) "hey do you think I have tim-- oh," my voice squeaks as I take everyone who's gathered around our table. Liam and Zayn are smiling and Niall is laughing like my reaction is some how amusing, and it's not. Eleanor and Louis at least have the decency to keep still.

"Don't freak," Ben says, already analyzing my mood. "It's just a small goodbye dinner. Be an actual human and enjoy it."

I breathe out heavily and turn. "You're right," Harry's not here. Don't know if that's a bad thing. It's not a good thing though. That I'm sure of. "Hi-- Liam Payne!"

On cue Liam stands, happy grin splitting his face. "Ms. Summers, please jump into my arms and hug the absolute shit out of me." And I do just what he asks. I take off running, minding the table and heading straight for the bear sized man. "I've missed you and your devious antics."

"I'm not devious."

"Well, not anymore. Now you're just sad and that makes me sad."

"Liam," Louis hisses from his spot.

Liam shrugs and let's me go. He smiles a knowing smile at me and sighs. "You'll be okay." I don't know what to say. Don't know if should tell him I disagree.

I untangle myself with Liam and make my way towards Louis. "Niall? Zayn?"

"Dates," he smirks.

"Niall? A date? Shut the fuck up." Louis grins and nods. Niall? On a date? Is that even possible? "Baby Niall is on a date? Who with?"

"Some bird he's been talking too. Says she's a good time," Louis shrugs and hugs me tight. Our faces connect and very seriously he whispers. "Think you'll survive without me?"

"I'll find a way," I quip. "You should be worried about being without me."

"Believe me, I am."

"You wouldn't be the first," I grin. "It's my personality."

"I think it's just you in general. The way you can come up with the weirdest plans and still come on top. Quite impressive Summers." I laugh and move on before we get too emotional. Louis' always been able to make me feel in some way emotional. It's not always very pleasant but right now I think it is.

"El-bell," she smiles gently and hugs me softly. She's always been so gentle with everyone she comes across with. Which is why I can't imagine her doing anything bad to Ben. Can she even come up with a way to upset anyone? Does she know how too? "I have missed you."

"I missed you too, Pretzel."

"We're still calling me that?"

"It's cute," she giggles. Being called pretzel is anything but cute. It was a miscommunication when Eleanor had not been paying attention to my name and I ended up with a name tag with Pretzel scribbled on it in messy black ink. "Blame Louis."

"I do," I narrow my eyes at Louis who's pretending to be innocent. "Presley and pretzel sound nothing alike. How did you fuck that up?"

"It was funny at the time." He shrugs. He leans back, wrapping an arm over Eleanor's shoulders. And I forgot. They're that couple. "Sit down pretzel."

I sit down with a huff and shake my head. It feels normal sitting here and hanging out. Almost like we never stopped. Like they never left and I never got so fucked up.

"When do you come back?" Louis asks hesitant, bracing himself for my answer.

"I don't know," I respond quietly. I still haven't booked a return flight. I'm not sure when I'll feel well enough to come back. "Soon? In a few weeks? I'm not sure."

"But you will come back?"

"I-- yeah," I smile. I have unfinished business here. I can't leave things the way they are. "You'd get yourself committed without me."

"Now don't get a big head," Louis jokes. He has an easy smile back on his face. He's relaxed again. Rubbing Eleanor's arm up and down.

"Don't worry Presley," Liam kicks in. "Louis' ego will always be bigger than anyone else's."

"That is a load of bull shit is what that is, Liam."

"Is it?" Liam pushes further. He has a smug grin on his face, body leaning on his elbows.

"Okay," Ben cuts in, half amused. "Let's eat before you both annoy me to death."

****
"Hi," Eleanor greets me softly. She stands by the fridge, arms crossed over her shoulders. "Do you need any help?"

"No, I'm almost finished."

"Okay," she murmurs in the type of voice that you know wants to say more, but struggles too.

So I'll make it easy for her. I dry the last plate and turn. "Do you want to talk?" Though she doesn't have to answer. I know she does. And I know I'm right when she sighs and puckers her lips. "Should I sit? I feel like I should."

She smiles and shrugs. "You don't have too, but if you'd like." In the end we both sit across from each other. It makes us feel natural, in a way.

"What's up?"

She takes a deep breath and clasps her hands in front of her. "Lou told me you asked why Ben and I are...awkward around each other."

"I did," I begin slowly. "But you don't have to tell me, if you don't want too. I don't want to pry."

"You're not," she says. "I want to tell you, if that's okay?"

"You really don't have too," I don't want her to open up because she feels like I'm pushing her. It's her business at the end of the day.

"I know. But I want to."

"Okay," I nod.

She puffs her cheeks and sighs out a breath. "Ben and I were friends before we met you. We were really close, like you and Lou used to be. And because we were friends we told each other personal secrets." She pauses and bites her bottom lip. "Do you know Dave? He used to work in security? Young, maybe early twenties?"

"I think? He had brown hair and really light blue eyes. He liked coffee a lot."

"Yeah," she nods. "Well-- you know Ben's, um. You know he doesn't like--" Her voice trails off, leaving me confused. "Ben prefers--"

My lips form an 'O' shape. "Oh, yeah. Ben's gay, I know that."

She nods once more and runs her fingers through her hair. "Well Ben had a crush on Dave." I nod. I already knew this. Ben and I weren't as close as we are now, back then, but we were friends. I knew all about his crush on a boy who didn't acknowledge him. He never mentioned which boy it was, though.
"Dave wasn't gay." She whispers. "Do you remember when management threw that giant party for the boys? They rented an enormous house and everyone came?"

"I got so drunk that night," I flush. Harry and I were having so much fun and the mixed drinks only made things better. It made us forget, that we had been fighting a few hours before.

"I did too," she sighs. "I don't remember much of that night and I didn't realize what I had done until a week later when Ben had been fired and you both had left." I shoot Eleanor a face. She's just left a giant blank in her story. "Ironically it was Dave who told me what I had done--well, what I had said..."

"You've lost me..."

"Ben hadn't come out to the world. Only a few people knew." I was one of them, I think proudly. "I guess in between my drinks and messing around, I had confessed to Dave, Ben's feelings for him. And for some reason still unknown to me, Dave felt uncomfortable by it and got Ben fired from the crew."

"That's why Ben's weird towards you? Because you got him fired?"

"That's only part of it," she addresses. She shuffles in her seat and says. "Turns out Dave wasn't decent enough to keep Ben's feelings to himself. He had told everyone, everything. And Ben's dad--"

"Is best friends with another crew member," I finish her sentence for her. She bows her head and cups her face in her hands. "That's how they found out? His parents?" She nods, face still hidden by her hands.

Oh Ben.

I knew he didn't get along with his parents. He always said they didn't agree with his life choice and he'd rather not spend the rest of his life fighting with them, or feeling like he was walking on eggshells. I know Ben misses them. Especially during the holidays, when we're celebrating with my family. His face will get sad and his eyes will dim. He's not loud and he won't sing along to his favorite songs.

"That's the reason they're not in his life."

"Yeah," Eleanor half whimpers. "I didn't think it was a big deal until his Mum called saying he wasn't allowed to come home because they didn't want to be known as the people who raised a poof. By then, you and Ben were gone and Louis and Harry-- yeah, you know."

There are times when you find out a person's life story and what they've been through, and even if you're not told by them directly, it still manages to hurt you the same. It's hurts you because it hurt them and you care about them.

And I care about Ben. I care about Ben so much I am single handily justifying my sudden anger for the
brunet beauty.

"You didn't think it was a big deal until his mom called you? Really?"

"I was stupid, Presley. I thought I had given him the final push to be himself. I didn't realize it wasn't my choice to make. Drunk or sober."

"It wasn't your choice or your secret to tell, Eleanor."

"I know," she whispers. "I understand if you're upset with me--"

"I don't have a right to be upset with you," I cut her off. "You didn't do anything to me. It was Ben you hurt." She looks up abruptly and bites her bottom lip. "I want to take Ben with me now." Maybe he needs to get away just as much as I do.

"Pres--"

"I can't, though. He won't go with the café being here," I don't trust Ben here by himself. I want to pack him up with my things and shield him from his past.

"I'm not planning on hurting him again." Eleanor assures me.

"I'll get you first. I have nothing to lose. I'm used to you guys leaving."

"I know."

"I like you El," I do like her. She was always welcoming towards me. Never played the jealous girlfriend when Louis and I hung out. "And I know you're not a bad person. So I'm asking you to be gentle with Ben while I'm gone. Give him space if he wants it, but don't leave him alone for too long. You know him. Take care of him for me. Just for a little while."

"I'm asking you to do the same with Louis," she says first. "He cares a lot about you and he's trying really hard, Presley. Don't give him hope if there isn't any for your friendship."

"I won't."

"I know he left, Presley. He was a mess every time you called and texted. He hurt you, but he hurt himself more by leaving you. I know you don't trust him yet; kind of the way Ben doesn't trust me. But he is trying. Give him credit for that."

"I am." I know Louis' tyring. I know he wants to fix our friendship, and I wish it were easy and I wasn't such a mess. "I'm trying too."

She smiles softly and grabs my hand, squeezes my fingers and says. "I know. And it's more than we deserve."

****
Ben went to bed an hour ago with moist eyes and a lazy grin. He hugged me longer than he usually does and he squeezed my hand tighter. It was a silent moment. The kind of moments that make you smile when you think about them. I don't have them very often and when I do, they make me feel warm and content.

I've finished cleaning up and everyone's gone home. Well, we had to drag Louis away. And that was only possible after I had promised to answer and call Louis. I also had to agree to at least three Skype calls a week. Deep down it was easy to agree. Even if I don't want to admit that out loud.

After one last look around I walk towards my room. I've only got a few things left to pack including my carry on. Then I'm going to sleep, we'll try to anyway. Something is about to happen though. My room is unexpectedly cooler than usual and my window is wide open. I only leave my window open at night....so either I'm about to be murdered or I'm loosing my mind...

"Hi," someone breathes behind me. I spin and come face to face with Harry.

"How did you-- okay, I need to start locking my window." I slap my hand against my heart, in attempt to slow it down. "Why do you always find a way to contradict everything I say?" Harry looks lost.

Uncomfortable even.

Good.

"You're leaving," it's not a question. I know that by the harsh tone to his voice and the way his fist clench. "You're actually leaving."

"I am," I whisper. I can't let Harry make me feel bad about me leaving. It's not my fault. This situation and the fact that it's become a circle isn't all my fault. "I told you I was, and I told you to leave me alone."

"You're fucking leaving."

"Yes."

"I didn't believe you, when you told me on the phone. I thought you were trying to scare me," Harry begins to pace, hands gripping his unruly hair. "Imagine my surprise when Niall blurts it out."

I don't know what to say. Harry sounds a tad insane and... I think he feels that way too.

"You can't leave," he stops suddenly. "We're supposed to work out. We're supposed to make it."

"Okay...." I feel like I'm talking to a crazed animal who is about to attack any minuet. "I don't...Harry, I don't know what you want me to say?"

"I want you to say, in my face that you're not leaving," he moves towards me suddenly and grips both of my arms. "Tell me you're not going home. This is your home. I'm your home."

"You know that's not true," I whisper. This place is more of a temporary home I've grown much too comfortable in. And even though Ben is here, I know it's not where I'm supposed to be. "Harry, you need to go home. You need to accept me leaving and focus on your future with Jasmine."

"You're actually leaving me," Harry's eyes grow wide and frantic. They become a shade I've never seen and his hands begin to shake. "Oh my God-- you're actually leaving!"

"I--Harry? Are you okay?"

"I feel sick," he releases me suddenly and backs away. "This isn't how it's supposed to go. You're not supposed to leave me. You love me." He begins to pant,mocking back and forth on my bed. Harry's panicking and it's probably the single most terrifying thing. "Why are you leaving?" He sounds like a child.

A scared and confused child.

I choose my words carefully and drop to his level, balancing on my knees. He stops rocking, but refuses to look at me. "I think it's time for me to be the one who leaves, yeah?" He finally looks down after a few seconds. His eyes are slowly crying and he looks so sad. It's almost lethal and it goes straight to my battered heart.

"I don't want you to go," he croaks.

"I know."

"Don't go," he begs. "I'll break it off with Jasmine. I'll leave her and we can leave for a bit. We can get away and elope and we can be together. Me and you. I need you to stay with me." It's so tempting and I'm so close to agreeing. But we can't do that. I know I need to leave, and I'm positive deep down Harry knows it too.

"You know we can't do that."

"Don't leave me."

"You left me a long time ago," I remind him. He flinches and wipes his face.

"It hurts too much being away from you."

"I know," that's the one thing I'm sure of. Missing Harry has been the one constant thing in my life.

"I love you, brown eyes. I know it doesn't seem that way, but I love you so much." I cup his cheek and sigh. I think I'm going to cry. I think this is going to be a lot harder than I anticipated. "I hope you love me too."

"You know I do." I think it's obvious at this point. It's made me weak and stupid. "But I wish I didn't." Harry's throat let's out a soft whimper and his body sags towards me. "I wish you hadn't of come back."

"I wish I never left."

"Me too."

Notes

My brother left and now I'm sad, because he's gone and I'm left all alone with my sister who looks like a shoe!