Good Intentions

I wake with a slight headache, and push my hair back, its growing fast. My sister sits at the foot of my bed reading a book. It looks to be a classic though, I cant tell the title.
The dreams didn’t haunt me last night or that I can remember. I still have the memory of them though. I start to fidget some and my legs are week once again. I tell myself its from all the work around the farm I did yesterday.

“I cant remember your name, what is it?” I ask her as she reads.
“Meghan, but some call me Meg. Just whichever is fine with me.” She says, her eyes never leaving the book. She flips the page and continues reading.
“Interesting book I take it?” I try to start conversation with her.
“Yes, actually. I’ve read it several times, Its my favorite, Wuthering Heights”. She says this and puts a book mark in between the pages and looks up at me. “How are you feeling today?”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that? Am I sick, should I be sick?”
“No, you took a nasty fall and hit your head is all. You’ve lost a great deal of your memory, which is why the doctor keeps coming by and looking in your eyes, he’s checking for anything on your brain silly” She says this as if I should know.
“So what am I dreaming about? I keep seeing people I feel like I should know.”
She cuts her eyes at me and puts her finger to her mouth telling me to be quiet. I stop talking immediately and look at her.
“Just stop please. Stop trying to remember. It will be so much better for you in the end if you do.”
“As if I can stop it, its happening while I sleep.” I say in a somewhat loud whisper. I fall back onto the pillow with a sigh. “And why do I always wake up groggy are you all drugging me?”
The soft blue eyes pierce right through me as if they were shards of glass. She quickly gets up and leaves my room closing the door behind me, I hear it lock from the outside.
“What the fuck” I say, I’m locked in my own room.

I throw my legs over to the side of the bed, carefully and slowly I make my way to the window. Locked, I see nails on the other side holding it shut. I pull the chair out and sit at the desk. I open the journal and notice a smear in the ink that wasn’t there before. I wonder if I should panic but decide that nothing I have written down should be of any use to anyone except me. I could have smeared it and just don’t remember.

I gather my things to take a shower and place them on the bed. I undress and place my clothes in the hamper in the corner and turn on the water. After stepping under the water I feel as though there is a burning on my left hip and turn to look at it. The word Brasil is marked on me. Its not very dark but still quite legible. I stand in the shower and look at the other shadows that are on my arms and torso. Some I can faintly make out but question exactly what they are. I swear the one on my torso looks like a butterfly and laugh at myself for even thinking that.

I finish showering and get out. I wrap in a towel and go to the journal. I start at my wrist and make notes of each shadow. If all I see is a shadow I note that also, just stating that something used to be there. Some are confusing and I deem silly, but make note of them anyway.

I hear the lock turning in my door and have just enough time to slide the journal up under a drawer, hiding it. I make my way to my clothes and start getting dressed as there is a slight knock, I tell them just a minute and let them know when it is fine to enter.
My mother enters with the doctor and he does his usual examination. He asks me to turn around to listen to me breathe, the stethoscope on my back. I feel a pinch in my hip, close to where I found the remainders a of a tattoo. I slide back onto the bed and feel the wave of sleepiness washing over me. I welcome it. It’s the only way I know how to access my dreams, a drugged state, if it means I figure out what is going on, I will gladly be drugged. I will ride this out as long as I can or until they figure it out.

Its as if I’m having an out of body experience. I can see myself as the moment takes place. I am somewhat startled in my sleep, I feel my pulse quicken and I start to sweat. I feel a hand on my back and turn to see one of my friends. No words are said. We each walk out together and face a stadium of people. I look at my hand and I hold a mic. I see in slow motion as it comes to my mouth and I sing. I don’t recognize the words but I see my lips move. I wake myself up or what I perceive is waking up only to start a different dream. My true hair color revealed, brown with curls. It's long and held back with something that appears to be wrapped around my head. The dream ends and new one begins.
I’m walking across a meadow of sorts. I should know this place. I turn and look at the trees and blue skies. I smell the clean air and hear the birds singing.

The dream stops and another starts.

My eyes open abruptly, the tattoo shop. I have seen her before. I think.

Notes