That Sunday night was horrible for me. I was restless, tossing and turning around in my bed and not able to find sleep. My bed was warm but still I felt so cold. I pulled the blanket tighter around my trembling body, trying to warm up – but in the end the trembling never stopped. I closed my eyes for what felt like a million times, just to have the picture of Jake and that hoe popping up in front of my closed eyelids, making my eyes fly open in an instant. I stared at random things in my room, waiting for sleep to overwhelm me somehow, but it didn’t happen for the longest time. As I slowly sobered up, my sickness started to ease to my relieve but I felt my head aching more and more with my eyes burning and hurting from tiredness.

I felt helpless and it felt like this night would last forever, like the next morning would never come. Warm tears of exhaustion, despair and not to forget disappointment kept rolling down my cheeks every few minutes and I just couldn’t hold them back. I tried so hard to fall asleep – it was the typical situation: you try too hard to succeed. The more you think about how tired you are and how much you need your sleep and rest the more far away from falling asleep you get and your brains keeps pushing unpleasant thoughts in. I hated this.

It was only when I could see the sky lightening up outside of my window through the curtains that the tears stopped and I fell into an unsteady sleep. I was still restless in my sleep with pictures of the previous night haunting me in my wild and confusing dreams. I woke up several times, tossing around in my bed but I was too tired to fully wake up.

I finally awoke at midday, with a terrible headache but also with a set plan for this and the following days. I didn’t know where this thought came from but I woke up, knowing that I’d stay home today and ditch school for a couple of days after the weekend. I couldn’t stand being there, being alone. And this is exactly what I’d be if I stayed. I had lost Jake, the few shallow friends – if you wanna call them that – and Harry. Well, it’s not like I’ve had Harry. But I did spend my time with him and only him in the past weeks. I still wondered how all of this had happened so quickly. Why did Harry come into my life in the first place? I couldn’t say I didn’t enjoy the time with Harry, or at least most of it, because it was obvious since I fell for him. But in the end everything fell apart. I felt lonelier than ever and I knew I would only cry if I went to school. I needed to stay.

I called my mom and told her I’ve had a strong headache and felt weak for some days now, so I wanted to take a break and stay home. Of course she let me stay but she was also worried about me instantly and I almost regretted lying about why exactly I couldn’t go to school but I could never tell them the whole story. We didn’t have this open relationship where you talk about your little flirts and sex relationships, no way. My mom and I was rather prude and I would never admit all this drama that's happened so far. To be fair – she didn’t even know about Harry and I. It was just an uncomfortable topic with my mom and she knew about my few junior high boyfriends or crushes but since I was in high school she didn’t know anything about my love life. I always envied
Sissy’s relationship with her parents. Sissy, or Adri actually, are my best friends. I miss them like crazy, sometimes even if it's been a day I haven't seen them, it was just some connection. I miss talking to them and I needed them with me so bad, especially now, to get advice on the whole Harry/Jake thing. I haven't talked to Sissy since the little argument we got about Harry and I walked out their house mad. Adri on the other hand has been coming over lately mostly to get a preview of my next-door neighbor. It seemed like it was ages ago, another lifetime. They had sent me some texts, asking how it was going and so on but I never actually got to tell them everything. I would tell them everything about Jake/Harry once they got out of school. I just needed a girl’s night like we used to have.

I literally couldn’t wait for them to get home to catch up with them two and to spend some time with people who actually cared about me.

After I had taken a long bath, trying to relax in the hot water and not to let my thoughts circle around what had happened, I dressed myself and got ready. Since it was a Monday I couldn’t tell any of my teachers about going away or being ill, so I decided to stay home without telling anyone.

I tried my best to forget about my broken heart but it was a lot harder than I had hoped. The memories of not only last night but also the last couple of days kept rushing back into my mind and I thought about the way Harry had pulled his walls up, not letting me get to him even though I just wanted the best for him. He meant a lot to me and there were only two options. The first one was that he knew it and I was simply afraid of letting myself care when both of us knew I did. He enjoyed my company and he liked me. He trusted me and there was something between the two of us and I wasn’t the only one who felt it.
The second option was that I was being an idiot and interpreted a lot more into everything that had happened between us.

I didn’t know which was true and which wasn’t. Well, I had been convinced that the first option was the truth but since last night I wasn’t so certain anymore. I messed up everything, I hurt my own feelings and I actually broke my own heart. I had explained things to him, I tried to show him that I cared, I had even told him I did but still I didn’t bother to stay. And then he had the guts to tell me to leave with him. I was absolutely furious that he really did this to me. It was my turn to apologize; it was my duty to fix this. If I wanted Harry and I to ever go back to what we’ve had I needed to take care of this situation and I’d have to put some effort in it. I might be in love with him but I still have some self-esteem left. I won’t be the idiot and chase after every guy who seemed to like me. Now we’d see whether or not I really meant something to one of them.

While at my house the evening had just begun and the nice scent of a delicious dinner filled up my nostrils as I stood in the hallway with my Mom hugging me tightly. “Hey Honey,” my mom said as she took my hand and pulled me into the kitchen.

I leaned against the kitchen table, watching my mother as she was continuing to stir in the pots on the cooker – the source of that mouthwatering smell. I couldn’t wait to finally get a proper meal again. I missed that, getting food from my mom, it just never tasted the same somewhere else.

I let my eyes wander across the kitchen and it was still all the same like it’s been all these past years. Pictures of my parents and me were all over the fridge and I guess there was me in every age. From the baby pictures to prom pics. I walked over and traced my fingertips across some of the photographs, smiling at the innocent childhood memories. I wished I could go back to being a child so I wouldn’t worry about jerks or school. Life was so much easier when you were a child. I missed running around outside, playing with friends and having a carefree life. Everything was so complicated now.

“So how is it going, sweetheart?” my mother asked and shot me a look, nodding her head towards the cupboards. I walked over immediately and got some plates out, getting the table ready for dinner. I grinned at her, realizing just how much I’ve missed doing this.

“Fine,” I lied, not wanting to upset her. “I’m just trying to concentrate on school but I haven’t felt too good lately, so I guessed I needed a break. It’s not too bad though,” I said.

“You really look exhausted,” my mom said worriedly as she turned the cooker off to study my face with an intense look.

“I am,” I said. “But don’t worry, mom, I’m good.” I gave my very best fake smile and I had to put some effort into it to make it look natural, since I actually felt like crying. I couldn’t just forget what had happened. All of this was debilitating but I needed to be strong for now. I wasn’t going to let her see my tears and my broken heart. I’d save all of this for Sissy and Adri.

“If you say so,” she said and came over to me, while I put the pots on our table. She patted my head carefully and looked into my eyes. The concern was written all over her face and I felt bad for letting her see my weakness and exhaustion. I didn’t want her to worry about me but I guess it was in the nature of a parent.
As we ate dinner she kept asking me about what we were currently doing in school, how I liked it in general and of course about my non-existing friends. I told her about the things we learned and what was most interesting to me and I told her I had some great friends that I hung out with but that none of them could replace Adri, Sissy and Harr- oh wait. I figured this was the easiest way to get this topic off the table.

Once we finished eating I helped her to clean up the dishes even though my mother protested at first, telling me to get some rest instead.
Later I went back to my bedroom, thinking of all the years I had spent in here. I laid down on my bed, remembering how I went through my first heart break. I had been through some stuff with my first real boyfriend. He had been my first true love and also he had been the one who broke my heart for the first time when he ended things between the two of us. It got better after some time but I had Adri and Sissy and other high school friends, they used to be here for me whenever I needed them and soon I had been over him.

It didn’t feel like I would ever get over Harry and I felt stupid for letting myself fall for him. I had known that this would happen from the very start and still I hadn’t broken off the contact or put enough effort into resisting him. I was angry with myself; in the end all of this was my fault. It was thanks to my stupidity that I was in this situation.

As I felt a single tear escape my eyes I sat up instantly and searched for my phone to send Sissy and Adri a text. I needed to see them now, to tell them all about Jake and Harry to cry in their arms until I felt better and then I needed them to cheer me up and to simply spend time with me.

They kind of freaked out when I texted them about being home and they left everything standing to come over, I knew that and I appreciated it very much, especially right now where I needed both of them more than ever. Of course my mom wasn’t too happy when I told her that they’d be coming over in a few minutes. I got the typical “don’t you think you should get some rest” and “you can still meet up with them tomorrow” talk but I just shook my head at her, explaining how seeing them would make me feel better now. She still didn’t seem satisfied but she couldn’t say anything, it was my decision what to do after all.

I literally counted the minutes when I knew they would come over and I almost screamed when the doorbell rang. I hopped off the couch in the living room, where I had spent the last couple of minutes to get some distraction and talk to my mom some more, and almost ran to the door.

“Lynn!” Sissy and Adri squeaked as I opened the door for them.

“Heeey,” I giggled when they hugged me tightly. They looked as beautiful as always and I almost started crying as I felt them in my arms.

“God, you have no idea how much I missed you,” Sissy muttered into my hair and I closed my eyes, enjoying the warmth of her hug and how close she was holding me. We hadn’t seen each other in forever and it felt so good to hug her again and to know that she was here for me now. I could finally tell them the whole story, everything about Jake/Harry and me.

“I missed you too,” I said as we let go of each other.

“Impossible,” Adri grinned and stuck her tongue out. I laughed and I felt happy for the first time today. I knew that I’d probably be sad again once I’d tell the girls all about my drama but I hoped it wouldn’t get too bad. I shouldn’t cry over him, I should enjoy my time with my best friends especially since it’s been a while. I was glad that today was only Monday evening so we’d have at least some time to catch up and do girls stuff.

We went to my room after they said hi to my mother and we sat down on my bed together.

“How come you weren't at school?” Adri asked and looked at me, carefully watching me for a moment. Then Sissy shook her head.

“Is this about Jake? Lynn, you look horrible, what happened?” Both of them knew me too well. I hadn’t even told neither about what had happened yet, but still they knew.

“Well thank you,” I said jokingly, but it was the truth, I did look horrible. There were bags under my eyes from my lack of sleep and the crying and I couldn’t keep a smile on my face for long. “But you’re right, it is because of him… and Harry.”

“It’s a good thing that I brought a bunch of chocolate then,” Adri said and emptied her bag onto my bed. Our favorite chocolates and sweets were covering my bed now and I laughed.

“Do you want us to get fat?” I asked her and she just grinned and hit my arm playfully.

“Wait Lynn show Sissy John's profile on Facebook, come on, I want her to know how he looks,” Adri said excitedly, ignoring my last question. I agreed, placing my laptop on my lap.

“I hope he’s really as hot as you say, so he’s worth the trouble,” Sissy added and looked at Adri, sarcasm showing in her bright eyes.


“He is, trust me, he’s gorgeous,” Adri squeaked as my computer was ready to be used. I opened up Facebook and as usual I didn’t have many notifications so I simply ignored them. I wasn’t too active on Facebook after all; I mostly used it to send messages to my friends from school every now and then.

It didn’t take Adri long to find him, since the first thing on my timeline was a picture he had posted. It was from last night and there were five boys with my neighbor. They looked breathtaking and my heart skipped a beat when I saw Harry grinning into the camera with his naked torso. I almost punched my computer screen when I read what Niall had commented underneath that picture and sighed loudly.

“What?” Adri asked and I just shook my head.

“He's an idiot,” I said and she clicked on John's profile. She opened his pictures and clicked through all of them so Sissy saw what he looked like.

“God, Adri, he’s attractive and so handsome, just wow,” Sissy looked impressed took the laptop from her lap to click through John’s profile pictures once more. There was no doubt about that. Every of his pictures was insanely good even the ones of him and the other boys fooling around at parties or somewhere else. “He looks like a model,” she said shaking her head. “And he's living right across from you!”

I let out a heavy sigh. That was true but he wasn't in my interest right now. “I wish I hadn’t done it,” I whispered and pulled my legs closer to my body. I stared at Harry’s pictures he took with my neighbor guessing they were pretty good friends as Adri continued to show Sissy the rest of the pictures and tried not to remember how good he smelled like or how beautiful his laugh sounded. I felt my eyes get watery even though I didn’t want to cry and turned my head away so I wouldn’t have to see his pictures any longer.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Sissy said, sounding concerned and I looked at her, giving her a weak smile. Adri slammed the laptop shut and dropped it onto the mattress before she put her arm around my shoulder.

“Now tell me everything,” Sissy said softly and rubbed my shoulder.

“I don’t know where to start,” I muttered, my head was full of memories of both boys.

“What happened to you and Jake?” Adri asked and I realized I hadn’t even told them about our "break up." How could I not tell them? I felt bad but on the other hand I didn’t know anything that had happened in their life during the last months either. All of us definitely needed to improve our communication from now on. No big surprise that we missed each other so much.

“Jake and I are taking a break because the whole Harry thing,” I said and let out another longish sigh. “It just wasn’t the same anymore. I mean he’s great, he looks good and he’s sweet but I did never truly love him, you know. I had a crush on him but it slowly started to fade away so I decided to take a break. He kept running after me though and told me how much he loved me and that it would be a big mistake to break up. So I agreed on taking a break and we did but I never said we were back together. And then there was this moment we had there together. On Friday, Jake had a study date with Katie and went to study. Fortunately, Harry came over to my house and just had a nice study time. Nothing really important happened then, and after that Harry told me he had a surprise for me so I got ready and he ended up taking me to Jakes place telling me to give Jake a chance and left me. As I walked into Jakes house I went into his bedroom only to see him kissing that Katie chick-"

"That bitch!" I heard Adri interrupt as she clenched her fists. She was so protective over me when it came to boys and that's why I loved her.

"Anyways, It was so awkward for me, ugh. I just wanted to disappear. So then Jake and I had a talk and I ended up leaving his house.” I rolled my eyes at the memory of that night. It seemed like it had been in another life.
“Where'd you go?” Sissy asked and cocked an eyebrow, her lips turned into a half smile.

“Well,” I giggled because I was such an idiot, even though I had just wanted to stab myself that night. “Harry's place. He was the only person near me at the time and he comforted me the whole time, which I found really sweet. And after a while he told me he loved me and I sort of had admitted myself to him too and we made out.

“You kissed him?” Sissy grinned and gave me a questioning look.

“Fuck,” I said and laughed, “yeah, look at him, he’s so hot, it’s not the easiest thing to resist him when he's that sweet, trust me. So he kissed me first though and I just couldn’t stop myself from kissing him back, it felt too good. After talking what felt for hours we went to his bedroom and-"

"Oh god, don't tell me you and him…" Adri trailed off a surprised looked hit her face.

"No!" I gasped as I hit her arm playfully. "Now let me finish."

"Ok, ok go on," Sissy butt in and smiled.

"So we went up to his bedroom and he told me to get comfortable and you know curious me asked him where he'd be sleeping and he said on the living room couch. I nodded as I watched him grab a spare blanket and pillow and stared at me for a while until he nodded goodnight and walked out the bedroom door. I locked the door behind him and stripped myself out of my clothing and opened his dresser and put on a t-shirt and boxers of his. I intently looked around in his room and saw trophies from national leagues and family frames just how my mother has in our kitchen. I smiled as I saw a picture of Harry sitting on a chair his arms wrapped around a female who seemed to be a bit older then him. As I inspected the photo I concluded that the young woman sitting on his lap was his sister. They looked so much alike and no doubt she was undeniably beautiful which is where I guess Harry got his good looks too I walked over to the over sized bed and threw myself inside the covers exhausted from everything earlier today. I started to remember everything that had happened I couldn't help but let a few tears fall out once again and before I knew it I was sobbing again. I didn't realize I was crying loudly until I heard a distant voice behind the door call my name.”

"Lynn are you ok?" he asked as he leaned against the doorframe both his palms against the door his head resting against the frame.

I stayed completely quiet, ignoring his question until I heard a key insert into the knob and a few seconds later the door opened. He closed the door behind him and walked over to the bed, got inside the covers and wrapped his arms around me. We tangled each others body desperate for each other’s warmth and touch until we both fell asleep.

“Really?” she giggled. “That sounds like a movie,” she said and shook her head.

“Yeah well, Harry wanted me. Out of all the things he could have and all the girls he could have, he wanted me.” I was still wondering why. It made no sense to me at all. “So I let him cuddle with me, you don’t really know him but he can be really sweet and most guys aren't. The next morning I woke up really peaceful unlike other nights and I found him crying. We spent that morning really quiet until he told me he loved me and offered me to leave back to the UK with him-"

"Woah, woah, woah! He asked you to move to London with him?" Sissy put on a weak smile.

"Aww, that's so adorable." Adri cooed.

"I guess but I dropped the offer. I couldn't just leave this place, I couldn't. So when I told him I couldn't he looked really hurt, like not offended hurt but tore apart hurt. I couldn't help but feel terrible and guilty and in the moment I almost agreed but I stopped myself and got up and told him I had to leave. He asked me to stay a little while longer and I told him I have a boyfriend waiting for me at home and he told me if that was my whole plan to "use" him and go back to Jake and he begged for me to stay and told me that he's lost me once he can do it again and with that I simply told him I'll see him later and ran out crying the door."

"That's some serious, The Notebook shit!" Sissy said clapping her hands enjoyably. I couldn't help but laugh a little.

Once I was telling them about what had happened after that day, the tears were falling down my cheeks against my will. I couldn’t hold them back and Adri pulled me into a tight hug, telling me that it was okay and that I didn’t deserve to cry.

“I don’t even know when I fell for him,” I sobbed into her hair and she carefully patted my head.

“Shhh,” she said softly and rubbed my back, letting me cry as long as I had to. We all just sat there in silence and I cried until it stopped. Just then, she released me to look at my face. “Don’t cry anymore, Lynn. I think from everything you told me, he might truly care about you but you need to fix it. He can’t run after you though. It’s your time to understand that you made a mistake and if you really care about him, things will turn out good. And about Jake, you guys are taking a break, yeah? We’ll find out where you and Harry stand and if it all goes downhill, you always have Jake. But for now, you’re here with Sissy and I and we’ll go and get drunk, we’ll have a good time and you’re gonna enjoy yourself. You’re free and young; you don’t need to spend your time at home crying over this. You are not going to let this destroy you. It’s enough,” she smiled encouragingly and I nodded, sobbing one last time, before wiping the tears off my cheeks. She was right.

Just then, my phone buzzed and I picked it up, seeing that it was ten in the evening already. I unlocked my screen and saw I had gotten a new text. My heart skipped a beat when I read the name of the sender. Harry.

Notes

i didnt really know what to call this chapter so uhm yeah.... anyways yeah chapter 18.... all credit to me beloved cowriter.. chapter 19 might be a bit late.... i have no idea what to write... so hum yeah....

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bye my awesome readers <3