The Test Subject

The girls name was Alice, she was different, unusually unique yet so damaged. Being on the run changed her more than being in this place. Her sister may seem like a bad person but in my eyes she wasn't. Marie killed just to protect her little sister. I'm starting to think there is a justified way to take a life. I rolled my eyes at the absence of Ashton. Was he even coming back? did he try to escape? what if he got caught? none of these questions would be raised if i had just told him what happened. He wouldn't of gotten so angry and kicked the door. We would still be test subjects, a means to a end. Perhaps it is a good thing Ashton has a temper. The silence was creepy, beyond startling. It was definitely enough to drive someone insane. I wasn't used to the lack of screams, i always imagined it would be peaceful, something to make you smile. It wasn't, to my dismay. I grabbed a broken table leg from the floor as i heard ruffling from outside the door. It was too loud to be a mouse, and the noise was too carefree to be Ashton. He would be careful. I raised the table leg, getting ready to hit the intruder. My stomach dropped when the door knob kept moving. I inhaled a sharp breath, creeping over slowly. All of a sudden the door opened wide, which let in a cold air. I closed my eyes tight and lashed. I then realized it was stuck in the air, neither moving or falling. slowly i opened my eyes to a smug Ashton. "are you trying to kill the person trying to keep you warm, Lily?" he mocked in a strange voice. "because if you are, i chose the wrong girl to break free with" I sighed a sigh of relief. "of course not" i defended. In his other hand was a bag full of useful materials. "whats in there?" i asked. "just a few bits, you know scouts stuff" He laughed to himself. I raised my eyes. I didn't get the joke. "you've never gone camping?" His mouth fell onto the ground. "no silly" i laughed. "i was born here" the laughing slowly died down. "you mean you've never been on the... outside?" i shook my head as my reply. "never ever" i shrugged.
We created a warm fire in the middle of the room. Ashton sitting opposite me, occasionally staring at me. I knew he wanted to ask me something but probably to scared or nervous. "what?" i laughed. "so you've never smelt the sweet smell of cake or even tasted it?" i shook my head and looked down. "you've never ran bare foot in the grass on a sunny day" i shook my head once again. "nope" i popped the 'p' "well that sucks" i laughed at his way of thinking. "so you have never tried to escape? never just broke the rules" Ashton opened the bag and pulled out biscuits. "im stuck in here, but im glad. Out there people judge. Through out life people will make you mad, make you feel worthless. Poverty, starvation out there. At least in here you know your place. Some days are bad that's all. You need to experience sadness to know happiness." i answered. "that's bull shit!" he argued. "out there maybe bad, people may judge make you feel like shit but that's life. Life is a gift and i don't intend on wasting it.You seem so calm and collected. Nothing bothers you" i scoffed. "maybe that's why im sitting here with a black eye. Perhaps that's why nothing bothers me" we sat in silence for ten more minutes after our small discussion. "There is something wrong with the people here there's nothing wrong with life" Ashton stated after adding more toilet paper to the roaring fire. I nodded, in some ways agreeing with him. "its cold" i shuddered. Ashton glared at me, taking in my features. I knew how bad i looked but its never really mattered to me before so why now. I was conscious of my hair, my clothing, my whole appearance to be more specific.
"we should play a game" i smiled. "no thanks" Ashton laughed.
"what? are you to cool to play games?"
"exactly right my dear" He laughed. I noticed how cute his laugh was. It would vary from all different laughs. His laughed made me smile, a real smile not a fake one. "you have a nice laugh" i complimented. "thanks... my girlfriend used to say that" his smile automatically went. "well shes a wise woman"
"was, she was a wise woman" he saddened. He went back into his little shell, locking himself from the memory of her. "so whats your plan for tomorrow" i wanted to distract him. I hated seeing him sad. He was to fun and to young to be this sad.
"running"
"with me and Alice right?" i questioned slowly. I was starting to regret asking about Alice due to his strange hatred of her. She was a good example of how cruel people actually are. "with you not her" he pointed toward sleeping Alice.
"then im not coming. escaping? that's nothing but a pipe dream Ashton. Once your surrounded by these four walls your trapped"
"Ive been trapped in like a animal for 5 years in prison for a crime i didn't even commit, your fucking crazy if you think im going to stay another 5 in a place like this. You think im just going to wait for death to come? your wrong. Im so fucking done with people trying to control me." he bit back.
"Ashton i know your tired" i said softly "I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. I'm standing on the mouth of hell and it is gonna swallow me whole. And it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting." he finished. I had to admit his speech was pretty inspiring. i wanted nothing more than to rebel, stand up for whats right but there's no point. "Ashton im sorry but i just cant okay"
"Cant or wont?" he spat
His harsh tone of voice made Alice flinch in her sleep. I looked at her briefly before turning back to Ashton. "You haven't been here as long as i have, you haven't been experimented on, unlike me and many others so don't you dare talk to me about wanting to leave." i said slowly glaring at the unruly boy before me.
"Its alright for you. you have it easy .Your subject one, the untouchable one. The one miss Butts wouldn't kill, wouldn't risk your life in anyway. You may think you have it worse but you don't. Everyone in here knows it. Its strange how you even have friends" Ashton argued. I hated arguing with him, it didn't feel right, it felt unnatural. But something inside me bubbled, making me blinded. All my senses lost against the burning desire to lash out. Rip his throat out for his uselessness. I saw red and i absolutely loved the power surged. "your right Ashton i do have it easy. I didn't know my mum because i killed her! i didn't know my father because Miss Butts Killed him! i have never set foot outside these walls. I don't know what a city looks like, i don't know what running through the fucking grass barefoot feels like but hey i don't mind because i have it so fucking easy don't i!!!!" i unreleased."but do you want to know whats not easy? having little hope, afraid of losing your humanity and feeling like complete shit and all i can do is feel it because that's all i can do. So please tell me that i have it easy... i dare you" i finished before i started crying. I never allowed myself to feel bad about life because i didn't want my fear and self hatred to control my life. I let out things i buried deep to Ashton, i got angrier than ever for in front of him also. What is it about this man that changes me. It felt so good to take my rage out on someone but i hated myself. We sat in complete silence. Every single noise alerted Ashton. He often got up and checked it out. My stomach rumbled loudly somehow making me laugh.
I looked over at Alice, envious of how deep she was in sleep. I wanted to sleep, to close my eyes and forget this dreadful night. Something deep within me wouldn't let me close my eyes and let my imagination drift me away to a foreign land. No matter how many times i got comfy or how many times i closed my eyes, i couldn't go to sleep. "you know, there a beds over there" Ashton pointed out, leaning against the white walls. "i know" i huffed. I blew the hair out of my face. "then why don't you sleep in one, its probably comfier than the floor. Trust me, i would know"
"ive been thinking" i said, ignoring him.
"oh this cant be good" Ashton interrupted me. I rolled my eyes.
"we should explore a little more, we're not getting any where stuck in a mental health ward"
" i thought you said its all a pipe dream" He raised a eyebrow
"and that's true but i would sleep easy knowing we tried everything to escape. That way we would know if its actually possible to leave" i smiled. "this is fucking crazy" he laughed. "i know... that's why i trust it" I looked at the direction of the window and it was still black out meaning we only have a few hours until daylight. My jumper was beginning to feel weird, sticky utterly disgusting. "whats up?" Ashton asked. I groaned as i played with the bottom of my top.
"my top, its sticking to me" i huffed. I guess i really did need a shower. "that's because your sweaty... ew sweat" he said in a girly voice. I would of probably laughed if it wasn't for the fact i was dirty. Ashton suddenly went through the draw in the corner of the room. He pulled out a white long sleeved jumper. I thought patients here wore a dress, well Alice was at least. He handed it to me and i was hesitant to accept. "what? would you rather be wallowing in your own filth because that's not right my friend" I gasped. "of course not" i took the material in my hand and softly dropped in on the floor. "im actually so clean"
I turned round and put my old grey top over my head. I almost forgot Ashton was in the room. "Ashton are you turned around?" i asked nervously.I imagined all the dark grey bruises on my body, ruining my image. I had a white bra on anyway so i had nothing to worry about. "Ashton?" i said. I didn't get a reply. I quickly turned around and saw him standing there, just standing there motionless staring at me. "are you ok?" i questioned. He gulped loudly. He started coming forward. I backed away in response. Something about him made me think he was entirely there. He got so close to my face, i smelt his breath and almost tasted it. I saw every inch of his face and ive never seen such beauty. As for me my breathing was hitched in my throat, my stomach got tighter. "are you scared of me Lily?" he whispered huskily. I remember the promise with Harry and i went against his wishes but i didn't care. " no" i breathed. "do you trust me?" he whispered again. Ashton had given me no reason to not trust him, although i know i shouldn't i had to admit i trusted him with my life. "yes" i bit my lip. "prove it" he silenced. "how?"
"turn around" he removed a strand of hair from my face. I nodded while complying. What the hell was he doing? Why was i under some kind of spell. It hit me that Alice was in the room, armed guards are probably after us. We're standing on deaths door right now and all i can do is wait for Ashton to do something. I closed my eyes tight as he gracefully ran his fingers down my back. Occasionally hitting a bruise but didn't hurt, i only felt pleasure. "So soft" he whispered in my ear. "ash" i mimed, no sound coming out. He then moved my hair to the side, giving him a clear view of my back. Every time he touched me, something ignited more than fire and hay. Only he had this affect on me.
I took a risk and turned around to face him. Ashton looked innocent, the way his golden hair would stick to his forehead. The way his eyes were focused solely on mine and the way his lips were apart. His large hands gripped my waste making me for some reason feel completely at his mercy. This was a sin, the way he touched me, the way he made me feel was the sin. Ashton was the devil. "we-we need to stop"
"stop me" he smirked causing me to smirk, I looked at him with pleading eyes. "fine, your lucky i like you" he sighed. I bit my lip and put the white material on the floor. I put the top over my head, instantly feeling clean and pleased. "you like me" i questioned, a smile tugging on my lips. "do i have a choice?" he stuck in tongue out. "we all have a choice Ashton" i spoke wisely. "like i said when we met, you're naive" he sighed before continuing
"and my choice just happens to be that i allowed you to chase the idea of freedom with me"
I realized i haven't asked about him or his life before being trapped. He knew all about me because i felt like i could trust him. I sat myself down, crossed legged while looking around the room. I would hate to be here, confined to a bed with nothing to do but stare at the ceiling. I wondered if the mentally disabled had medical help, along with the care and medicine they actually need. In the distance i could imagine the horrific screams, pleads and groans because they had no idea what was happening. The sound of the bed restraints hitting the metal keeping them from clumsily falling out. "whats your story?" i asked Ashton, trying to distract myself from these absurd thoughts. "ah that my friend is a long boring story that i share with no one but myself"
"come on! it cant be that boring" i protested
"I really haven't had that exciting of a life. There are a lot of things I wish I would have done, instead of just sitting around and complaining about having a boring life. So I pretty much like to make it up. I'd rather tell a story about somebody else"
I wanted to ask about his girlfriend, i wanted to know their love. I wanted to see if it was easy after all. I wanted to see if it destroys you into little pieces.He had fond love, probably nurtured it making it flourish into something pure... real unlike Harry had."Is love evil?" i asked. He looked at me with wide eyes. "no, love is beautiful and- it makes the world spin, it makes us get up early in the morning so you can text the person "good morning princess", it gives us hope. Hope is a horizon we head for, leaving nothing behind us but fear. And though we may never reach our goals, it's hope and that one person that will save us from who we once were. You would do.. be anything they wanted. You would make promises about how fantastic the future would be as long as you were together. But in the end no one has a happy ending" he finished. "you seem to have experience in the love department"
"i did, until the world stopped spinning" Ashton angered. "Maybe happy endings only happen in stupid fairy tails"
"yeah, so much for our happy ending" i said looking at the fiery fire that dimmed the room. I knew it would eventually die out.
After last night, the lack of light didn't remotely bother me . I strangely felt comfort when the orange flame went out. It was like, if i couldn't see it, it wouldn't hurt me or even alert fear inside. The room constantly got colder with every slow hour that passed us by. Out of boredom i probably acknowledged every spec of dust, every small microbes and every small scratch on the wall. Alice was in the corner talking to herself as expected. I heard from Harry its typical of a mental patient to find solace in themselves. It gave me chills seeing her so passionate about the conversation, her eyes shining bright with newly formed tears.Of course i knew, faced with danger she would turn on Ashton and i like a rapid dog. Any means necessary she will protect herself as much as her sister did for her. Living with regret is something im definitely not curious about. I can almost imagine how Alice is feeling. The feeling like somethings eating away at you, starting from the pit of your stomach. Then i imagine, you would y spend a lot of time and energy suppressing emotions. Lastly you would change. Living in a world where the thing you regret never happened. I was interrupted hastily but Ashton talking in his sleep. The blue bags under his eyes told me he was more than just sleep deprived. He occasionally mumbled "stop" or "im innocent" of course he spoke sleepily and barely inaudible but his words lingered for much longer in my head. I wonder if he is also being haunted by a memory he had no idea about. With me i figure its just a nightmare, or a ghost with a nag of taking its unfinished business out on me. I decided to go over to Alice and just talk about life before this. I think it would be better for her to remember everything before the restraints, the running and before whatever made her go on the run. I slowly crept over to her, a small smile to reassure Alice i mean no harm.
"Hey" i waved. "can i sit?" i gestured to the ground next to her. Alice glanced down to the unused to space and looked up once again. Hesitantly she nodded. Unfortunately she pushed herself deeper into the corner, the side of her head resting on the plain wall. "you know, you can trust me. Im not going to hurt you" i said.
"trust gets people hurt" she whimpered. I sighed and rubbed my temple. "Alice i promise you, no one is going to hurt you... i wouldn't allow it"
Her sapphire blue eyes looked deep in mine, looking for truth or a answer or even something to reassure herself. "promise?" she spoke. Her voice was small and fragile. It strongly reminded me like a child or a baby mouse. How could i promise her something big like this? this was well out of my hands. I couldn't possibly keep her safe. I nodded in response. "why are you eyes so blue?" Alice questioned, slowly coming away from the wall.
"a experiment" i shrugged. "they used to be green if i remember correctly"
"experiments.... i remember them." she shuddered. I felt extremely bad for her.I could see it in her eyes just how lost she is. All alone with the painful reminder that you do inevitably have no one."lets not think of such dreadful things" i smiled a toothless smile. "shall we talk about his constant need to talk in his sleep" Alice glared at a pained Ashton. I remembered back when Ashton told me the meaning of having nightmares. "Precognition" i whispered more to myself than to Alice. "Whats that mean?" Alice said looking at the ground, occasionally getting the courage to look up at myself.
"It means when you sleep your haunted by past events, or even future events. It works either way"
"i get that. Every night, even if i just close me eyes... i see the event that ruined my life on repeat like someones favorite song.I would give anything for it to me not her. " Alice confessed. Ashtons mumbles were no longer mumbles, they were aggressive words. Alice covered her ears harshly, slamming her fists onto her small ears. "MAKE HIM STOP" she yelled. Her voice was no longer mouse like. "How? he barely trusts me" i explained harshly. The panic in my stomach couldn't be ignored. "trust gets you hurt remember!" Alice groaned. She squinted her eyes tight, I sighed losing hope. She grabbed my wrist unsuspectingly. "he may not trust you, but he listens to you" I stood up and made my way over to the mess of white pillows on the bare floor. Even though the ground was hard and cold, the way the pillows of deceased patients were sprawled to make it look somewhat comfortable. His fit clenched away at the smallest pillow, using it to control his anger presumably. Ashton kicked his legs in different directions.He didn't scare me, not in the slightest. He had given me no reason to be scared but every reason to be motivated into leaving. I placed a freezing hand onto of his chest and knelled down to his height. "Ashton, its just a nightmare" i whispered to a slumbered Ash. "im sorry for blaming you for everything i couldn't do Lucy" a single tear ran down his face. I think im one step closer to figuring the puzzle out. I placed my hand on top of his face. Using my thumb, i swiped the tear away.

Notes

hey guys :)
another update because i have nothing to do with me life....*crying*

qotc: whose girl are you? Ashtons, Luke, Michael or Calum?
I love to ask questions...