"Don't cry B. I'll protect you from mom and daddy. They just don't understand, okay? I don't either, but that's okay, because,you're my B. And I'm your big sister."

I don't think, even Lilly, can protect me from my fathers' angry slaps or his shoving, because in this house, I've always been the punching bag.

"I know you're scared, and I am too. But I'm here, and I'll look after you. I may not be able to protect you from what you're feeling, but I can try and protect you from daddy."

And fuck, I'd wish she'd stop calling him 'daddy'. The term sounds endearing and almost frightening.

"You promise, Lilly. You promise, you won't leave me?

"Always."

************************************************

"Beth?... Harry, what do we do? Shit, what if she's having a seizure! Who do-"

"Shut up Lou!"

My head hurts and the room isn't spinning anymore, and I think I've just had a dream. A really vivid dream, where I was seventeen again and Lilly had her long hair, and fuck, she liked me. And I want to go back to that. But I don't think I'm going anywhere. Because there's arms holding me and a hand is cupping my cheek.

"Beth? Can you hear me? Come on babe, open your eyes for me." I don't want to though. I feel good right now. My head might be aching but the voice I hear is soothing, and the hand feels unbelievably nice, against my warm skin.

I do what they ask in then end and slowly I open my eyes and I notice that we're back in our room. The guys are here and so is Louis who has his arm wrapped around a tall brunette. She's almost too pretty and she's standing awkwardly clutching his bicep.

Great. Another person, I don't fucking know.

I look up and realize, well More like confirm, that the arms, holding me belong to Harry, and oh. Okay. "There she is." He smiles and sighs. I think he's relieved or maybe winded. I don't think I'm the lightest thing in the world.

"What happened?"

"You bloody went down on us, is what happened." Zayn says. He doesn't sound angry, but his voice is a little shaky. Niall seems to be clinging onto Liam for dear life, and Louis looks considerably younger, with his scared face. And Harry....oh Harry, he looks like he's about ready to burst into tears, and that makes me want to cry along with him. But then I remember-

"Lilly! She's here...and I had a dream....she had long hair.....she said she couldn't protect me from what I was feeling?....and then...fuck! Something else happened..."

"It's good, you remembering things," Harry tells me, as I'm looking around trying to find my estranged sister.

"Where's Lilly?"

Harry's jaw tightens, to the point where I think his teeth might turn to dust. "She's outside. I wanted to make sure you were fine before I let her anywhere near you." And....what? I want to be mad. I want to argue, saying that having my sister here, is a good thing. Because-because maybe, it'll help me remember faster. But by the way Harry and the rest of the boys seem to be on alert around Lilly, I'm not sure I feel comfortable enough being around her. Which is ridiculous, right? She's my damn sister. I should trust her, without question right?

And I'm so lost, because I don't.

"It's just one thing," I say, referring back to Harry's praise about my small dream. I had half-hoped everything would come back but so far I'm not even sure it even happened.

"One thing is a start," Louis says from across the room, and I look up startled because i hadn't even realised Louis was listening. The awkward beauty just standing next to him. I bet, she even has a pretty name.

"You've got that One Thing!" Harry sings loudly and it has me smiling because I actually remember the lyric.

"The rest will come," Zayn says confidently.

"Yeah, I think it will. Well I hope so, anyway," I say, I'm not as confident as zayn sounds.

"Can't fucking wait," Louis mutters. He gets an elbow to the ribs from the brunet standing next to him. I look away, my face dropping.

"Lou," I hear Harry say warningly.

"No, I'm allowed to be pissed about this," At that I spin around, seeing Louis get to his feet, moving away from the girl. She's quick on his heel,with a small hand on his shoulder. "She flinches every time I go near her, do you see that? Do you see the fucking look in her eyes when I speak or reach out to her? Because I do and it fucking sucks! I spent so long ... we worked so fucking hard ... I can't do it again. I can't!"

I stare as Louis storms out of the room the girl following him. She throws an apologetic smile my way and Harry tilts my face up to his. He looks miserable and in dear need of a cuddle. "Beth. Don't get upset by this, okay? Louis' just finding this really hard and he's angry, but it's not with you, okay?"

I nod, even though I don't believe a word he's saying. Because Lilly being here was a shocker, a complete and not-totally unwelcomed shocker. But Finding out Louis might hate me, well that just plain, fucking hurt.

And I don't know why.

"I don't get it," I say, when no one else decides to break the silence. "I don't know how we're supposedly friends, when it seems like he can't fucking stand me. How is it possible for this whole friend thing to work, when he freaking hates me."

"Shit," Zayn mumbles.

Harry presses me closer to his side, his chest moving me up and down as he lets out a sigh, "He doesn't hate you, Beth. God if you only knew how much he doesn't hate you. How much he couldn't hate you, even if he tried."

"Yeah, he does, He's been like that since I've gotten here" I say clearly, and still not being able to call this home. Because it's not home. It's a hotel room, full of strangers.

"He doesn't," Niall says firmly, and I glance at him. Niall stares back at me, serious and solemn in a way I didn't think he could ever pull off. "You're like, partners. Totally inseparable. You rely on each other, like, with loads of emotional stuff. You tell each other everything, as soon as it happens. He's even threatened to quit, over you."

"He's a bit lost without you, that's why he keeps getting frustrated," Zayn says quietly, and I'm having a hard time breathing. The way things are going and the way they're describing my relationship with Louis, it doesn't add up. "You should talk to him. He's really, like, he loves you, Beth. He loves you so much. And I know you don't remember, but you love him too. Like, a crazy amount."

I know I'm starring at them in complete and utter shock. But I can't help it, because I know they're not lying, I can see the sincerity in their face, but I still don't believe it fully. Me and Louis? Louis, who can't seem to stand me for more than five seconds? We're inseparable?

"Come on," Harry says as he knocks me off his lap, gently and scrambles to his feet and pulling me up. "Let's go find him."

I don't bother stopping Harry as he's tugging me out and purposely ignoring the fact that Lilly is sitting on the floor with her legs crossed. I don't even get a chance to look at her properly, because Harry's speeding up and only slowing down when we're away from her. But it wouldn't have mattered, because the security would have stopped her, I think.

We find Louis and the girl-whose name I still don't know- sitting in the hallway outside, what looks like his room.

"I think they need to talk," Harry says to The brunet who nods, pats Louis' knee and stands up, wincing as she shakes her legs a little like she's trying to find feeling in them again.

"We'll be just inside," Harry tells me before he gathers Zayn, Niall, the girl (whose name I really should learn) and Liam into a huddle and they fall into Niall's room together, leaving us alone.

Christ, it's just so awkward. A hundred levels of awkward with a heaping side of tension.

"I uh," I say, I have no idea what I'm supposed to say, to make it better. I stop and bite my bottom lip. I sink to the floor opposite Louis and forces myself to meet Louis' gaze. "They said we, uh, we're quite close? Like, friendship bracelet close?"

Louis doesn't say anything, but I don't miss the clench of his jaw and the way his fingers dig into his thighs.

"You've got to help me out here, Lou," I say. I'm getting frustrated and I can't help it, when I throw my hands up and lean forward. "I don't remember you, okay? I know it sucks. I do, because it sounds like we were pretty fucking brilliant together but I just...I don't remember you, I don't remember anyone, but I'm trying and I'm sorry I forgot, okay? I'm sorry I forgot ... you." My voice trails off and I have to look down as Louis looks away and swipes at his eyes. "Shit, I'm sorry, okay? I don't know ... I don't know how we work. You have to tell me."

"I tried so hard, Beth" Louis says in a small voice that I really, really don't like at all. I Hate it, the same way I hate when Harry looks sad. "I worked so hard to understand you. We both did, to understand each other. And I don't know if I can do it again."

And if my heart was whole, it wouldn't be after that. I lift my knees and rest my chin on them."If you think I'm not worth it, if it'll be easier for you, then it's okay Lou," I mumble, because I hate myself for saying this. My own gaze dropping as I blink at the moisture in my eyes. "I understand. Maybe I'll just like, remember. And we can be, uh, whatever we are now."

"Shut up," Louis says fiercely and there's a body pressing against my side, an arm curling around my shoulders. "Of course you're fucking worth it, Beth. That's not ... fuck. I'm not used to this anymore, trying to explain myself to you. Haven't done it in ages."

"Sorry," I mumble, tense and unsure.

Louis' arm reaches down over my shoulder and I grab his hand, stopping him from getting too close to my nipple because I might be unstable and confused, but I know where his hand was reaching. . Louis links our fingers together and sighs, knocking his leg against mine gently. I smile because this is nice. "You're my best friend," he says quietly, and I suck in a harsh breath, I have the sudden urge to cry, because those are words I never thought I'd hear from anyone. And it fucking blows that I can't remember it. "I miss you. And I hate seeing you like this, all scared and shy and drawn in. How you used to be. And not letting me anywhere near you. Fuck, Beth. That fucking hurts."

"How am I now then?" I ask after a moment. The need to cry is still there, it's just not as strong.

"A bit of an idiot, to be honest," Louis says with a sharp grin, and I laugh because I can't help it. Because I can see it.

"Like you?," I question teasingly, and Louis laughs loudly.

"Yeah, just like me Mills," he crows, sounding delighted. "You're silly and mischievous; I can always count on you to do something stupid if I ask you to. Always can count on you to avenge me when a wanker crosses me. You dance like a twat on crack and you can't hold your drink. Oh, you drink now because we do everything together and it didn't seem right, that I drink myself into oblivion without you. You also can't let a joke go and you think I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you."

"Oh," It's a lot to take in. I try to smile, I really do, but it feels wrong, and it feels like Louis' playing a mean joke on me. And I really, really don't like it.

"You're also the most loyal person I've ever met," Louis says in a softer voice, and I make a muffled sound against my knee. My grip on Louis hand tightens. "You're horribly sweet and fun and when my voice goes off on stage and I make a fool of myself, you're always there to hug me, telling me that, I was the best one there. You helped me write parts of the songs when I was stuck, and there's no one else I want to write with, who'll finish what I start. You listen when I need to talk and none of this, One Direction, would have been the same without you. I wouldn't be the same."

I think I've stopped breathing but I lean my head onto his shoulder. And it's almost the most natural thing in the world. Almost. I find myself engulfed in a hug that's too tight and warm, but I kind of really like it anyway.

"Louis, can I ask you something?" My voice sounds muffled because I've got half of Louis' jumper in my mouth but I don't want to pull back, because it's too nice, and Louis doesn't seem to want to let go either.

"Yes, I'm your favourite," Louis says on a loud sigh, before he laughs and I grin into the jumper. Even if it sounds a tiny bit true. But only a little bit, because there's still Harry. And Harry's lovely. "What is it, Mills?"

"Who the hell is that pretty girl you were with?" I ask, laughing because I feel stupid asking this question. Louis squawks before I'm being yanked back and Louis' glaring at me. Except this time I can see the glint of humor in his eyes and it makes Me feel like I belong here, just a bit.

"That, my dear confused best friend, is my girlfriend Eleanor. " Louis answers in a long-suffering tone. "And you love her, and she loves you. And sometimes I'm scared she'll leave me for you."

"She's stunning ," I murmur. Remembering the way her face glowed in the dim lighting.

"Hey, you are too, you know," Louis says, bumping our heads together none-too-gently and drawing a wince from me. "You are always turning heads, giving our poor Harry a hard time. Don't tell anyone, but I think Liam used to have a small crush on you."

I stare at him in shock, before Louis bursts out laughing. "Beth, c'mon. We're a family, you know? There are no secret crushes or jealous or whatever between us. Anything anyone says to you about the other boys is a joke, okay? First amnesia lesson."

And maybe it makes sense? Like maybe, I can picture us all together laughing, and making fun of each other. And maybe yes, okay, maybe this is happening.

Notes

I want a Louis.