You Have Me

It's hot. And there's something heavy on top of me. There's hair tickling my face and I really should stop squinting in the dark, because there's really no point. I'm not sixteen. I'm nineteen and I'm surrounded by a world famous band, who are my friends. Except that right now, in all reality they're more like five strangers. Five strangers that probably know me a lot better than I know myself. I try to move back but I can't because, I'm currently being used as a mattress and oh. It's Harry.

Oh.

I figure, It's time I stop being so useless and fucking confused. So I went to sleep, on top of Harry and now it's the exact opposite. Harry's arms are clutching the middle of my body, with no intention of setting me free. His head is on my chest (and I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with this yet, but I will admit that his body weight is slightly comforting. Slightly.) causing his curls to tickle my chin. Maybe this is...normal? Maybe we go to sleep one way and wake up the exact opposite? Yeah, maybe this is normal. Or not. I don't know. I do know that it's time to try and slip from Harry's suffocating grip. I've almost managed to slide away from Harry's body when he makes a noise and clings to me tighter, so I'm completely trapped underneath him. And.....god it's hot.

Really, really, really hot.

But okay, it's okay, because thankfully everyone seemed to have dispersed to their own rooms. So no ones here to watch me struggle...or help me.

I try and breathe through it. In and out, in and out. It's something I would always do, when I had upset my parents and I had to keep my mouth shut so I wouldn't be beaten further.
I can handle this. I can handle Harry crushing me. It's not a big deal. Friends cuddle. And right now we're cuddling, because we're friends. Right? And Me not remembering my friend, it's temporary. Just temporary.

I move my arms-completely thankful that they had stayed free-over his shoulders. It's weird to think that Harry, womanizer and famous boy bander is currently knocked out over me. I don't know him, I don't know any of them. But I want to. God I want. I want to know Louis and figure out why he's so upset, I want to know why Harry is so comfortable cuddling me and why I'm so comfortable holding his hand and seeking him out for comfort. I want to know why they're so nice to me, why they've kept me with them. I want to know everything. I need to know everything. Why my parents had disowned me, why Lilly didn't even try to stay a part of my life. How I had ended up meeting and befriending five fucking pop stars and why the fuck I had a random tattoo on my wrist with someone's initials. I want to remember what it was like having friends, a best friend. I want to remember who I used to be, before, whatever the fuck happened.

"Harry...can....can, you let go, or like, move?" and when shoving his shoulders don't work, I huff and give up. I lower my limbs on his body and my fingers ghost over his hair. It's a bit long and his curls have lost some of their wave from what I can remember. He used to have a fringe that has seemed to disappear underneath weird looking bandannas and scarves. I'm still not sure what the fabric is. But I like it. God, I like everything about Harry, which is awkward, ridiculous, and a hundred levels of fucked. My fingers pick up a wave and tangle themselves in the hair. He looks so peaceful and calm, and maybe-just maybe, he feels peaceful and calm. My fingers trace his face before I realize how creepy and strange I'm acting and I let my arms drop to my side.

Yeah, I'm fucked. So fucking, fucked.

"Baby, baby, baby." Harry mumbles in song fashion, his voice thick and sleepy. His eyes are still closed. As the last 'baby' rolls free from his mouth I jerk back in surprise, and Harry's arms tighten even more....if that was even possible. His eyes finally open, and I feel fifty times warmer all of a sudden, watching as Harry's lips form into a tired smile.

Before Harry freezes like he's just remembering.

His arms loosen and he rolls off. I shiver at the sudden loss, drawing the covers closer around me to fight away the sudden cold in the room.

"Sorry," I mumble, my cheeks flushing and I'm really happy that the other guys aren't here to see me. I stare down at the bed to avoid Harry's gaze. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"S'alright, Beth, you didn't wake me," Harry says, his voice still slow and sleepy. "How are you feeling?"
I manage a sad smile as I look up finally. "Confused," I whisper "Is this normal?" I wave my arms between the two of us and Harry frowns at me, making me wish I had kept my mouth shut, because having Harry look so sad, should be criminal. "I mean like, us sleeping in the same room, same bed?"

"Oh, like, before your accident we were sharing a room, because, well, yeah," Harry says as he tucks his hands under his pillow. "But I can get a different room, if you want? I'm sure Paul-"

"No, no. I just, don't remember, ever, sharing my bed with anyone, besides Lilly. Ever. But it's okay. You don't have to leave, I mean,if you don't want to...... Unless you do! ..... that's okay too!." My cheeks flame, and my gratitude at the four missing pop stars increases. Harry's eyes gleam with surprise and his face brightens. That's a good sign, I think. "Do you want me to stay?" He asks. A slight cheeriness in his voice, and I think he should always sound like that. When he's talking to me. Yeah. Just me.

I shrug, trying to play it cool. But on the inside, my stomach is doing summersaults. "I mean, it's nice, you know? Knowing I have someone here, if I freak out."

His face falls and his eyes dim, but then he's smiling again and I feel the air return to my lungs. "Uh, yeah. Okay, good." He smiles shyly, and it's kind of horribly-disappointing to see Harry so....not Harry. And thinking about it I don't think my parents would approve of-

"Oh god, my parents hate me," I mutter half under my breath. There's a pang in my chest and I feel so small, and alone, and fuck me, because I miss them. I miss Lilly.

"It's okay. They're kind of rubbish anyway." Harry says, his hand slipping out from under his pillow and reaching for me before he pauses. He looks up at me like he's asking a question and I nod, I'm not sure what I'm actually agreeing to, but if it'll distract me from the tears I'm about to cry, then I welcome it. Also if I'm going to try and get my memory back, then I need everyone to act like they normally would. Cuddles and all. No matter how uncomfortable and 100 degrees of awkward I will, most likely, positively feel. Harry's arm settles around my waist and tugs me over to his lap. And I'm highly impressed with how smoothly the gesture was performed. "They're wankers, and you're too special to be sad, because of them, yeah? You're okay without them. I mean you were, at least. Before the, you know..."

No, I really, really, fucking don't know, but I think I'll be better. I mean I don't think I'll be okay, for a while, but Harry's here. And that alone is okay.

"So what's your last memory of me then? Or do you not, have one?" Harry asks, and I'm aware and completely thankful at his attempt at a distraction. I smile at Harry gratefully. And I'm kind of sad, because the last memory I have, of anything really, is nothing. All I remember is going to a meet and greet and then finding a quiet corner (because I can't stand still for long periods of times) and laying down. Then I woke up dazed, and confused, with a whole new life, I'm not even sure, really belongs to me.

"I don't have one," I say, my voice softening a bit. And my heart cracking at Harry's disappointed features. "The last thing I remember is Lilly shooing me away, because I was fidgeting and whining too much. And I think I had found a secluded corner and I fell asleep. Then everything goes...blank" and I've come to the conclusion that my life is incredibly unfair.

"Yeah, I remember," Harry says, his hand covering mine on my lap. After a moment,I turn my hand around and Harry tangles our fingers together and I'm rewarded with a smile that I return shyly. "I was walking back from the toilets, and I had tripped over your foot, waking you up. You then threw your jumper at me, grumbling about, how I had woken you and how, you then had to get up and find your sister, because you wouldn't be able to fall asleep, and you didn't have an excuse, anymore."

Before I could argue, about how I don't think that ever happened Niall ran in slowly followed by everyone...except Louis. And that pang in my chest...it just got stronger. There's a lot of noise and banter going around. They all seem to fit together. The way Niall seems to laugh at absolutely everything they do, even when it's not funny at all. Or the way Harry listens to Zayn when the others are two distracted. And if they had found our position, of me on his lap, and our hands clasped together compromising, no one brought it up. "Where's Louis?" I ask and Niall stopped laughing and Harry's hand tightened around mine. Zayn looked over at Liam nervously before turning his attention to me. Well that can't be good.

"He's already in the lobby. Said something about saving us the perfect table" he finishes with an uneasy smile that brings no comfort, even though I imagine that was his goal. I sigh and gulp back the tears getting ready to wet my cheeks. "He hates me, totally hates me." And fuck this stupid, fucking ache that my chest seems to be so fond of this morning. Harry squeezes my hip "of course not, Beth. He's just, trying to figure this out, like you are." I nod, but I don't feel any better. I'd feel better if Louis had come and talked to me, but he didn't, and yes, my life is the absolute worse.

Liam walks over reaches for my free hand giving it a gentle squeeze. He smiles at me "It'll get easier. Now come on, both of you get dressed and meet us down there for breakfast." He let's go, after a final squeeze. Zayn and Niall following him out of the room, with smiles and quick goodbyes thrown over their shoulders. I chuckle and turn my head to see Harry's face. He looks dopey and tired, and god it suits him.

"Can I borrow a beanie? Or do, I have one? Can I borrow some sort of hat?" Harry giggles, a quiet raspy laugh. He squeezes my hand. "Why do you want a beanie?" I point to my head. The bandage look was okay at the hospital and the privacy of the hotel room but, it seems kind of depressing and a consonant reminder of what's happened. Harry laughs and pushes me off of his lap gently. He walks over to, what I'm guessing is his suit case, and picks up a grey beaning. He looks at it smiling and then chucks over at me. I laugh and pick up the grey knit hat.

"It's my lucky hat, so you better have a good day." I laugh and shrug. I mumble out a thank you and get off of he bed. I freeze remembering that I have no idea where anything is. I don't even know if I have clothes here.

"Um, Hazza?" Harry looks up wide eyed his face surprised and bright. I feel small all over again, and slightly Nervous. I have no idea what the look is for, but I definitely don't like it. "What?"

"Y-you just....did yo-nothing...what happened?" His stuttering had me confused. I've noticed this lately. Harry either stutters around me, or he has word slips. Maybe it's new? And I'm going to bet, it's not.

"Do I have clothes here? Do I have clothes....like, at all?"

He points over to a brown suit case. I look over at it and mentally praise myself. Because it's a vintage suit case and it's mine, and maybe his lucky hat does work. I walk over and open it. I pull out a random flannel and black jeans, that have me wondering how I'm going to squeeze into them. I grab the clothes and walk to the bathroom. I frown, because how am I supposed to make my face look normal, and human....

All In all after twenty minuets and an awkward naked moment (and yes, Harry's ass is cute. Kind of) we finally head down to breakfast. The guys smile and stand up. They walk out the door and into a large room. I rush in front of Harry who's sending me a questioning look. I catch up to Louis and circle my hand around his arm. I abruptly let go when Louis freezes and turns to look at me. I step back, my breath catching.

"Yeah?" Louis asks, and his voice isn't as hard as I remember but there's definitely an edge to it that I hate. And okay, l am defiantly not one of his favorite people.

"I'm sorry, about last night," I say falteringly, shuffling my feet like a little kid. I hear the
others stop down the hall, far enough away not to hear but close enough if it erupts into an argument. If this is how it usually happens I imagine it's a thing they've created for the two of us. "I... I feel like I upset you and I'm sorry. I wish I remembered what you meant yesterday. Honestly right now I'd be happy to remember anything really."

"Beth" Louis sighs before he glances over My shoulder at the boys. "You haven't done anything wrong, okay? It's not your fault, What you remember and what you can't. Don't apologise for things that happened. It it what it is."

"Okay Tommo" I say stiffly, feeling worse than I had before.

"Did you just call-" I turn on my heel and face Louis again. And just like Harry, he's got this wide eyed, almost shocked look. And I still really hate that look, because it makes me nervous, and small and no, it's not okay.

"Did I what?" I ask confused and hungry. Louis looks over my shoulder before his face drops and he's shaking his head. He walks forward and then passes by me. "Never mind" he says over his shoulder. I shrug and catch up to the guys, Harry waiting for me with his hand out. I grab it and bump into a pretty brown haired girl. "I'm sorry. I didn't-"

"Beth?" She questions. And she looks familiar and she's looking at me, and I don't like the attention. But her vision gets blocked by Harry and Louis? They stand between us like a wall and Harry has one arm around me, his hand resting on my hip. Louis has his eye brow arched and his arms are crossed over his chest. In fact all the guys look serious and so unlike themselves.

"Move, that's my sister."

And then my ears pick up on the word sister and I'm sure my head starts to spin or maybe it's the room. I step away from Harry's grip, and it's a challenge because this man has a strong hand. He doesn't let go completely. His hand is still resting comfortably on my hip, the only difference is that I'm slightly further away. I look up at the stranger and my breath hitches. It is Lilly. She's taller than I remember, but my memory is not that trust worthy right now. Her hair is defiantly shorter, it's now barley reaching her shoulders. She's stunning and oh, shit, she's my sister and what?

"Lilly?" I barley breath out. She smiles and nods. "It's me B." Suddenly there's a sharp pain by my temples and my feet are swaying me from side to side. "Beth?" I think Louis's voice ask before the room goes completely dark....

Notes

I like to write at 3am.