You Have Me

They come up with some complex plan, and really it seems more like a mission, to get me inside the car around the back at whatever hospital we're at (I still have no fucking idea as to where I am exactly, but judging the accents of the doctors and staff I think we're somewhere in Europe. (I just don't know where exactly in Europe. Maybe eastern?) And it seems just a tad bit silly, well, right now everything seems silly, but now the guys have stopped and started talking to a tall burly man.

Maybe he's their manager?

It would make sense. Because as soon as he arrived everyone had shut up and I really want to find out how he did that. He was big and intimidating and it didn't ease my nerves when Harry turned around and whispered in my ear that He-man's name was Paul and that he was their tour manager. Almost a father figure whilst they were on the road. He said we got on well and that Paul had always looked after me, because I was the trouble maker and Louis and I always made people mad and that's not right, because if Louis and I are so close, then, why is he avoiding me? He doesn't come near me and maybe I've upset him? Or maybe he never really liked me. I stared at him waiting for some kind of recognition to kick in. Something, anything really. But I'm positive I've never seen this man before.

Paul in turn had given me discreet and specific instructions: stay close and ignore the screaming. He then turned to Harry and Louis before some secret communication took place that I still didn't understand but I made it my mission to figure out. But then the plan-more like mission-had unfolded.

Twenty minuets, but it felt like hours, I was being escorted by bodyguards that I couldn't help but stare at in awe. I'm pushed to the back of the car squished between Liam and Zayn, after a brief and awkward moment where no one knew where to sit until Harry had shoved them next to me and Niall took shot gun as Harry and Louis huddled closely together, whispering furiously to each other, and great. Fucking great. More secrets. But in a way it's comforting to watch them, because there's a small, tiny part of me that feels like I used to be the one whispering to them like that.

It soothes my panic, just a little bit.

"Where are we?" I ask Liam, who has his hand tapping out a crazy rhythm on his knee. "Like, which country? I'm guessing Europe? Or.....yeah, that's all I've got."

I feel Zayn chuckle and Liam pats my knee "Close. We're in Germany." He says slowly his eyes looking down.

Oh. Germany. Shit.

And now that I'm slightly panicked. I notice the cars gone quiet. And I self-consciously still my humming. And suddenly the carpet floor seem to be the most interesting thing in the world. I feel like I've done something wrong. I just don't know what.

"What were you humming, just then?" Harry's voice breaks through the silence and I'm surprised to find him turned around looking at me. His voice trailing like he was going to say something else, but he stopped himself.

I glance up surprised. I hadn't expected them to hear me. "Uh, I don't know, really. I've just got this beat in my head." I say as my heart starts pounding for no reason. "Nothing, I guess." Harry smiles at me gently before he turns around and starts whispering at Louis again. My hand moves on its own and grabs Liam's. I lace our fingers together and squeeze, a bit harder than I had meant to because Liam's then bringing me flush to his side. He kisses my head and coos.

"Everything's fine Beth." He gently tugs at my hair and I let go of a long held sigh. I try to relax, and I do pretty well until we pull up and i'm suddenly being blinded by bright flashes and there's a lot of yelling.

“Just keep your head down and keep walking,” Paul says from the front of the car before he gets out. I nod gulping back because I know that order is specifically directed at me, and I'm feeling like I've just gotten reprimanded. I scramble out of the door after Liam, and gratefully I grab his offered hand. Just as I'm wondering if I'm meant to reach out for Harry, but I guess not because Harry appears at my other side with a hand on my back and Liam steering in front, we make our way past their fans as their bodyguards try to shield us as best they can. And I'm shaking. Because the girls are rabid and loud and pushy and fuck.

“Almost there love,” Liam says brightly, probably as a last effort to keep me from having a proper melt down. He's not phased even as he’s got a girl’s hand in his face, trying to push through for a picture.

“Yeah" I say awkwardly because I'm really not sure what the etiquette is here. Then Harry’s pushing me through the hotel doors and Liam's guiding me into the elevator with everyone following us including a glaring Harry and a sulking Louis. And I can't breathe because it’s just the six of us and Paul, who has his back to us and is standing between us and the door like a barrier.

“It gets crazy" Harry says, his voice sounding a little off. When I turn to look at him with a frown, He's already moved next to me, he's got his arm around My waist and Liam's rolling his eyes but moving away nonetheless. Louis grins weakly and maybe I'm imagining it.

“Is everything alright?” I ask quietly, and Harry shrugs and reaches out to lace our fingers.

“Just making sure you're okay,” He says like it's no big deal. And it is, because I can feel him tensed next to me and Liam seems annoyed and I don't understand how Louis and everyone else can just act like this didn't just happen.

Even though it did.

Right in front of them.

“Is it always like that then?” I ask, concerned. And if everything they've said is true, I'm wondering how I've managed to get through it.

“Not always,” Zayn says. “But. Sometimes.”

I can’t picture a world where that many people turn up to see small glimpse of five normal guys,. Except I don't know how this whole thing works, and that causes my heart to sink at the mere thought.

“What’s wrong?”

My head snaps up at Louis’ brusque tone, all too familiar. My shoulders hunch like usual and I curl into Harry a little. And I really need to figure out why I act this way every time Louis speaks to me.

"Nothing,” I murmur and suddenly I'm feeling far, far too tired. Everything just seems too much, all of a sudden and Ive got a horrible, childish urge to call Lilly. Except I can't. She doesn't speak to me. So in all reality I have no one and that's not fair.

The doors open and Paul leads us out, somehow keeping us bundled together until Louis’ slotting a keycard into the slot and we fall into a hotel room together.

“Just lay low for a bit, okay?” Paul says quietly to Louis. He nods and sighs. “Keep Beth here and remember to not overload her with stuff, or weird memories, yeah?”

“Got it,” Louis says and I can hear the slight edge to his voice. I Wonder at it.

When the door closes behind Paul, I'm suddenly feeling really nervous. they're all staring at me like they're waiting for something but I don't have a clue what they want me to do or say. I can feel the frustration seeping through me and I force it back.

"I uh," I start before my voice trails off nervously. If we're friends I shouldn't be so nervous "Um, I'm gonna like, go to bed I think. Pretty tired and just like, really weirded out, and I'm kind of sad and if I'm being honest, you all make me nervous."

"Yeah, no that's like, probably normal," Niall says, patting Harry's back before he grabs my hand untangling me from Harry's grip. He leads me into the bathroom. "Use whatever's in there. This is yours and ... uh, your room anyway."

Niall's gone before I can ask him why he's flushing bright red, but I get distracted by my reflection.

Fuck.

I'm pale and my eyes have dark rings under them. My hairs longer than I remember and I can't see the top because I'm currently sporting a bandage like a head band. and my body still doesn't feel like my body (and that sounds ridiculous in my head) I catch glimpse of the writing on my wrist and I'm still so confused by it. Like why do I have someone and what does H.S. Stand for. And everything's so upsetting right now and I just want to get to sleep and not wake up until next Tuesday.

There are two tooth brushes in a cup on the sink. Come to think of it, there's two of everything in the bathroom. Towels, sponges, shower gels. And right. Harry. I somehow in a parallel universe live with him. I quickly grab the complementary tooth brush (because I don't know which is actually mine) and brush my teeth. I wash my hands and walk out.

I stop, confused when I see the boys are all still there. For some reason, I only expected Harry here and that's because he says I live with him, which I'm starting to wonder that maybe I don't, or maybe I live with one of the other guys.

I had assumed they'd leave me to it, but apparently they have other plans because no one looks like they're leaving any time soon.

"Oh uh, are you staying?" I ask, fiddling with the strings on my sweats.

"You don't mind, do you Beth?" Niall asks, and I blink twice before I shrug, because asking them to leave or admitting that I do mind would just make it ten times more awkward. "No, I uh, I'm just gonna sleep if that's okay," I murmur.

"Of course it is Beth," Harry says. He points to the bed where Louis and Niall are curled up together. "That's ou-your bed." And his word slips are getting harder to ignore each time.

"Um, yeah. Okay, thanks."

I didn't think it was possible to feel any more awkward. But I was wrong. And I feel completely-100%-more awkward. I move lethargically slower my hearts thumping so loud and hard you'd think it was about to implode. But, okay, what do I do now? So I do the only thing I really can and I wait patiently for Niall and Louis to move. Except they don't. And I'm afraid of upsetting Louis even more, that I don't know how this is going to end up okay. And it's most likely not going to be okay, and I'm resigned to anything at this point. I'm too unstable and too emotional and too confused to deal with whatever situation I might be having with Louis, so I look at Niall with pleading eyes and a desperation rolling off of me, and I'm hoping I don't have to voice out my request to have them move and leave my bed.

"For fucks sake!" Louis' mouth tightens and he scowls as he gets off the bed, he pushes past me and crosses the room heading for the door. And just as I think he's about to storm out, he whirls around and he looks furious. And I feel like a scared kitten. "Are you seriously telling me that you don't remember me? That you don't fucking remember what I mean to you? But-oh, you're fucking okay with everyone else? That's shit. Complete fucking shit."

I hate the way my chest tightens every time Louis yells at me, I hate the way my hands tremble and they give my secrets away. I hate it all more than not remembering and I didn't think that was possible. I tilt my head back though and I stare at him. "I don't remember you, okay. I don't remember anyone. I don't remember having friends, and I'm sorry. I am, but I have no fucking idea what you're talking about, or why you're upset. Because if we're as close as you say, I'd remember, wouldn't I? I'd remember having a best friend, because I've never had one...." My rant falters and the room falls silent but I can't stop staring at Louis, or watching as Louis' face drops and his eyes widen before he turns around and stalks out of the room, the door closing quietly behind him.

And there goes another reason as to why Louis, is now-most likely-possibly-going to hate me....even more.

"I should ... fuck," I mutter as I turn around heading towards the door, but Zayn stops me.

"Let me, yeah?" Zayn murmurs and he turns to Harry to have some kind of secret conversation that is starting to make me mad because I doesn't understand any of it, and I'm positive it's about me.

"You're staying. Yeah?" Liam asks Harry quietly, to My surprise because why would Harry stay? Why would any of them stay with me? We're supposedly friends and I'm nineteen right? I don't need a babysitter.

I watch Zayn lean in and whisper into Liam's ear before he pulls him into a tight hug. When he lets go, Zayn turns to look at me for a second and I've given up wondering what anything means anymore. I'm too tired to wonder why Louis is so upset or why Harry glares every time someone else comforts me and I just wish I were at home with Lilly because even though my parents have always been hard on me it was okay, because Lilly was there and I remember Lilly. I turn and get on the bed. I tuck my knees under my chin and close my eyes as I hear Zayn leaving quietly.

"I just don't understand how I got here, how I ended up living with you, or why my parents hate me. And it makes me angry that Lilly won't speak to me" I admit quietly. I open my eyes and I see Niall, Liam, and Harry watching me, wary and unsure. "I don't know you. I don't know any of you. You're all like, I don't know. It doesn't make sense, I went one day without having any friends, what so ever, and now I have five and they're fucking famous, and my parents have disowned me. Lilly didn't even come to the hospital. And now suddenly I'm here and you're all....here...... And I feel like I should know why Louis is so upset and I should have understood what he was saying, but I didn't. And There's so much missing, you know? I can't follow. I can't catch up. I feel so hopeless."

Harry reaches up and tugs me down onto the bed. I fall easily even though I still can't get my body to relax properly when Harry cuddles me (and I feel like, maybe, he's done that at a lot and he does it without really thinking about it.) "It'll come back, love. It's only temporary, remember the doctor said. And anyway, you don't have to figure it all out now. Give it time. Just let me cuddle you and relax, yeah?"

"Beth was always terrible at relaxing, worse than Liam," Niall says as he sits on the bed, reaching out to pat My knee gently. "Always wanted to be going somewhere or doing something, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember," Harry says with a smile as his hand drifts up and down my arm, making me shiver a bit. His hand stops stroking and then his whole arm is wrapped around my waist and suddenly I'm lying on top of him. And okay, I'm on top of Harry. Like Harry has replaced the mattress underneath me.

"See, even this feels all wrong," I say quietly, fidgeting slightly before Harry increases the pressure on my waist and I stop with a sigh. "I've never had someone take care of me besides Lilly, But now, you're all like here, confident and looking after me. It doesn't feel right. Because I've always been the one in control and now. Now I'm not."

"A lot's changed in the last few years Beth," Harry says, and again there's that complicated look he shares with Liam. "Just try and go with it, yeah? I know you're frustrated and everything seems crazy, but trust me, it's weird for us seeing you like you were too, you know?"

No, I don't know.

"You should sleep," Niall tells us sliding out of bed and letting Harry fumble until he's comfortable. Niall tucks us in and pulls the covers up almost over our heads while Liam moves onto the sofa and Niall's following behind him. And apparently I'm not going to be left alone.

I fall asleep to frantic whispers and the low hum of the t.v.

Notes

Yass