You Have Me

Here's the thing.

I'm tired.

I'm so tired. And I'm sad. Niall (the first time I saw him this week) joked saying that it was a broken heart. But it's not just a broken heart, because I hurt in my whole body. Everything's been a nightmare. And because I'm so fucking childish, I somehow thought that drinking a sugar filled smoothie would help me feel better.

But no.

It doesn't work.

It's nice though, I finally have a few moments by myse-

"Beth?"

Damn.

"Beth," Harry's voice is hesitant behind me. I can hear his slow footsteps approaching me. "Hi baby." He mumbles. And when I turn around I already regret it.

Oh baby. No.

"God, you look awful." I mutter. His eyes are bruised underneath and his skin is pale. He looks like he hasn't slept in weeks and I don't know if it's because I haven't seen him in a week or if it's because the lack of sleep is causing me to see things, but Harry's gotten thinner. And not the hot kind of thin.

"You know, I feel sexy," He says amused. "Pineapple, coconut?" He nods towards my drink. My eyes widen and okay. What?

"How di-"

"It's your favorite," he says it as if it's the most obvious thing, "Every time you were sad or stressed I'd get you one and you'd feel better." He shrugs, taking the cup from my hands and taking a sip. And okay, we're still doing these kinds of things. Okay.

"You don't like it?" I ask as he scrunches his face. He shakes his head but smiles.
"It's not my favorite. No. But when I miss you I drink them, because they remind me of you," He shrugs again and I wish he stopped saying things like that. His words are like stab wounds being rubbed with lemon over and over. "How are you?"

"I've......you....okay. I'm okay. You?"

"I'm-," He looks down and his eyes fill with water. No, please no. "Fuck Beth, how am I supposed to be? I'm falling apart." His voice gets louder, and I can't do this right now.

"Harry ,” I say warningly, but it’s weak and Harry continues.

"No Beth. I can't do this. I can't pretend I'm okay. Not with you. Not when You know me better than anyone." I flinch. But it doesn’t hurt. Just. Aches. Slowly and obvious. “I miss you and I'm falling apart because you're not there." he says, almost whispers, his face just this side of too-close to mine.

I feel something in me snap then, my hands are pushing at Harry's chest and putting some distance between us. "No more Harry. Please.”

“I love you,” he says helplessly, and I really don't want to do this now.

“Stop.” I'm begging now. I'm desperate. I need him to stop.

Something flashes in Harry's eyes. “What?”

"Stop. Fuck, I n-need you to stop," my breathing is slowly becoming uneven and the pain in my chest is just a fucking reminder of how weak I am. "I can't do this Harry. I can't....I don't.....just stop."

"No," Harry says eventually. "I can't Beth. I can't stop. I don't want to. I just want you," His jaw clenches and his fist are closed and shaking. "And I'm fucking angry because you don't get it! You don't fucking get how much I hate myself! How much I fucking blame myself for everything!"

I shake my head, because he's right. I don't get it. I don't understand why he gets to be angry. "That's it?" Harry just stares back. His mouth doesn't open and his eyes remain confused.

And no. Fuck this. Fuck me having to be the damn victim all the damn time. "I know it's been hard, okay? But do you even understand how bad everything sounds? How stupid I feel for not being able to fucking remember how bad everything was?" And I'm not done. Oh god, I wish I was. But I'm not and I'm angry and tired and just because everyone decided I wasn't worth the truth, that doesn't mean I owe them the same courtesy. "It sounds like hell Harry."

And when Harry winces I just want to throw myself in front of a moving bus.

"Do you want an excuse?" Harry asks in a shaky voice. "Because I can't give you one. All I know, is that I fucking love you. And I tried, okay. I tried, so hard to stop being so fucking angry. I didn't want to make you as sad as I was. But it didn't matter how much I loved you, Beth. You'd still shut me out, you still wouldn't sleep. I thought you wanted to fucking die. Do you know how scary that was? It was terrifying, okay. And maybe I should have let you go, Louis told me over and over. But I couldn't. I knew that was what your dad wanted. He wanted me to prove him right. So I stayed. But I was so determined to keep you that I didn't give a single fuck that you were slowly drowning. I hated myself for not being enough, so I started drinking more and I know it was really, really stupid and it wasn’t the answer. But by the time I realized that, I—”

Harry stops, and it's getting harder to see him as the water grows in my eyes.

"It's all so fucked up," I say softly. "But I didn't leave you, Harry. You left me," I stand up ignoring the way Harry's hands are visibly shaking.

"But maybe it's my turn to leave you."

Notes

Oh Christ this is so sad.