You Have Me

"How are you okay with Harry? I don't understand it Lou. I don't understand any of it." I was frustrated. I was angry, conflicted, and so fucking tired. I don't know what's happening to me, and I don't know how much more I can take.

"Beth," Louis starts carefully, "A lot happened in those four days that you were asleep." I don't really remember the last time Louis had used his 'serious' voice with me. Maybe it had been before the accident and maybe it had been during our first spat. Which ever it was I still didn't like it.

"I'm....Louis....I-I.....help me." Louis just sighs and opens his arms. His room had become my hideaway. I couldn't go back. I couldn't let myself run into Harry. Although I've heard he's a mess. And that's horrible and it makes me want to throw up. Zayn and Liam have been taking care of him (and right now I'm so glad they're there) both have had to endure sleepless nights and enough tears to fill buckets. And honestly I'm a terrible person.

"What do you want to do sweetheart? I'll help you with whatever you want to do," He holds me tightly and cradles me like a small child. And sometimes I'll close my eyes and pretend it's Harry. Because even though he fucked me straight in the heart I still miss him. I miss him so much that all I want to do is cry. "Harry isn't a bad person. He was just lost and in love with you," and fuck me because I was starting to fall in love too.

"What happened during those four days? And don't sugarcoat shit. I need you to be fucking honest with me, okay?"

He nods and squeezes my hand. "After we had gotten you to the hospital, and I was worn out from kicking Harry's face-" I look up startled. I was never told about a fight? "That's another story. Anyways. Paul brought in a specialist or some psychologist. I can't remember. I just remember him mentioning they used these types of specialist for crazy people." He begins toying with my fingers. His other hand laying flat over my waist. "It took a day and a half before we were allowed to see Harry. According to the crazy man in white Harry had blacked out right before his attack. He had been drinking and the lack of sleep had done wonders to his mind. These types of situations did happen. They weren't common and they didn't happen everyday, but they did exist. The lads and I were lost, so we googled some of it, and it was all a bit overwhelming."

This was all overwhelming.

"We had a band meeting. It was long and emotional," Louis closed his eyes as if he was reliving the memory in his mind. His hand unconsciously squeezed mine tighter. "We talked and discussed Harry's options," Louis' eyes opened and a small frown appeared on his face. "We didn't know what to do. And I knew that nothing else mattered if you were safe. But I also knew you wouldn't give up on Harry. So," he sighed, "So we had Harry tested and when he came back negative for any drugs, we talked about his drinking. Harry wasn't a hard drinker. He did drink, but he had never drank as much as he had been doing, recently."

And I know it was my fault. Louis was just too nice to actually admit it. I closed my eyes and rested my head against his shoulder. "I know what you're thinking Mills. And no. It wasn't your fault," and yes. Louis was one hundred percent my best friend. "Turns out Harry was sad. But not normal sad. Bipolar depression, I think they said. He wasn't in control of his emotions and the stress of the fans and management, they....he cracked. I saw it. And it made me so mad. You don't understand how badly I wanted to pummel his face to bits every timed I saw you, with your sad,tired face. You were my best friend and we had always promised each other that we'd protect one another. But I couldn't protect you from Harry, or from what you were feeling. You were so in love Beth. You didn't care what he said to you, or how he treated you. You just wanted Harry. Mood swings and all."

"If he was so bad why didn't I just leave him?" I ask quietly, because even though I'm wondering I highly doubt I'd ever actually leave Harry. I mean I just found out he had nearly killed me and I was still here.

"I asked you that almost everyday," he looked down at me, "It was just like the time you had told me, you had never had a best friend. You had never been in love and now that you were you didn't just want to walk out, when you knew you'd be ten times unhappier without Harry. So you slowly shut yourself down. You had your own problems with your dad, and Lilly. And Harry tried to be there. He really did but then you couldn't sleep and you'd cut yourself, and that freaked the fuck out of Harry. He always blamed himself, saying that if he'd just make you happy you'd be better. But he needed to be better." There was a small silence, and I'm stupidly waiting for some damn birds to start chirping.

Although I feel like I'm in hell. So the birds are probably never going to come.

"Harry's never been one to share. And he always felt like he was...with me," and no? What? "He just didn't understand our friendship. He didn't realize that I had Elle, and that before all the of the shit he caused, you were happy with him. He always thought he'd wake up one morning and you'd tell him you were leaving him for me."

But I'd never, do that. Not that Louis' not an appealing choice. He is. He really is, but he's not Harry. He's not what I want.

"Harry's not perfect. Fuck Harry's not even sane half the time. He's a jealous, possessive, fucker. And In his eyes you were his and his alone. But fuck, Beth he was so fucking in love with you. He was smitten like I'd never seen before. It was his first time in love too. And it scared him. He couldn't loose you. He hated knowing that you could leave and he couldn't stop you."

I got off of Louis and sat criss cross in front of him instead. I sighed. This was all so much. Harry was insecure and controlling. But he was also the man I loved. He made me feel safe, and I'm still having a hard time believing that this whole mess was his fault.

"Anyways aside from your intense mating," and no, not okay, you can't change the subject like that. "during those long four days, we brought in specialist that would help Harry deal with his mood, anger, and his drinking. He's also attending monthly follow ups to see how he has been coping." He reached for my hand rubbing it gently. "Harry and I talked and damn we fucking talked a lot. By the end I slapped him and told him that if he ever did anything close to this again, that I'd shove my foot so far up his arse his head would feel my feet moving. And if he was ever the reason you'd end up in a hospital again -excluding you giving birth-I'd be sure to burn him alive."

And okay, that's a little frighting. It's nice to know Louis cares so much but it's frightening as hell to know that he's willing to commit murder.

"Harry and I aren't perfect. But he's my friend. And right now we're better and we're trying to make it work. For your benefit and his. Really if we're being honest, it's for everyone because awkward dinners are the worst."

I chuckle and run my fingers through my hair. There's still so much information I want to know but right now I'm okay with Harry and Louis being okay.

"He is sorry Beth. And he does love you."

I nod willing my annoying tears to shrink up. "I know," I mumble, "I love him too." More than I'd like to admit right now. "I'm just so confused right now."

Louis nods and shows me a small smile. "That's okay. You don't have to know what you want to do right now. But you do need to think about, if you're going to stay and try to fix things with Harry, love. He's just as unstable as you are, just in a different way."

"I don't know what's going to happen Lou. I don't know what to do, and I'm ruining everything for Harry."

Louis shakes his head, but I pinch his hand before he can argue. "Everything is so complicated right now. And maybe what's best for everyone; is for me to leave for a couple days...." Louis' eyes widened and his mouth parted. And leavening is the last thing I want to do. I don't want to leave Harry, oh Jesus I really, really don't want to leave him. He's...fuck he means so much to me. But maybe that's what's going to make things better, maybe it'd give Harry and I a chance to clear our heads.

"Beth, you can't leave! You ca-"

"Louis. Louis, calm down. I don't know yet."

"Beth," Louis voice becomes serious once again, his face is firm and his jaw is tensed.

Oh Christ, what ever is coming next is probably-most likely-going to be another blow.

Great.

Fucking great.

"If you leave are you going to come back?"

Would I?

"I don't know Tommo. I don't know."

Notes

Sup guys.