I Don't Understand
It's Hard To Have Peace.
Saturday, 6/13/09
When I finally woke up, my iPod had stopped playing, the car was moving, I was covered with a blanket, and propped up against Damian's shoulder. I roused and put my feet on the floor, stretching my hands up to touch the ceiling as I let out a big yawn. "Mmmm." Damian looked over and chuckled a bit. "So you're awake! Took long enough. My shoulder went completely numb." I smiled and stretched again, rubbing my eyes. "How long was I asleep?" "Well we're practically at the airport. We'll be there within twenty minutes, but probably more like fifteen." Wow okay then. I slept for over an hour. I reached down into my sling bag and returned the MP3 player, then grabbed my notebook and started writing. I always write my feelings, it helps me process things.
There you were, Just waiting for me. And you were my heart, but you still held the key. You know me. You've seen me. you understand who I am, who I've been, who I will be. But where are you now, my broken dream ship? I ride on without you at a steady clip. I can't wait, my life moves on. But you're on my heart, a weight that doesn't belong.
I sat there and stared at my notebook. I've run out of tears to cry, and it's only been two hours. But it isn't worth it any more. I can't stay this way forever. So I ruffled through the pages of my notebook until I found the piece that I had just written, and I added these words;
I'm letting go, no matter how it hurts. I'm moving forwards, you're staying where you were. My old past and my old life. I've got to start over, in my heart you're a knife. I may always love you, but miss you I shan't - maybe I won't, or maybe I can't.
But I can be better without you.
writing that seemed to finalize my thoughts. I felt ready to move on. So I grabbed my phone, and sent a text.
I Love You. But it's time for me to move on. Don't forget me.
With these words, I set up a barrier between Johnny and my emotions. We arrived at the airport, and I stuffed everything back in my bag.
I never got a reply.
It was about an hour later. Mom had the luggage receipt, I had the window seat, and my sling bag was stuffed at my feet below me. I was sitting next to Damian, and the rest of my family was in the center aisle. It was a huge plane. I buckled my seatbelt, put my phone on airplane mode, and again pressed shuffle on my MP3 player. I could probably waste an hour or two like this. But a nonstop flight from LA to Ohio is 4 hours long. Yay.
----------
I was staring out the window, and knitting away at the scarf in my lap. Damian looks over and raises his eyebrows. "What?" I query. "You knit?" "Um, yeah? It's a good time filler." He rolls his eyes, obviously amused. The scarf's actually looking pretty good, and should be finished in time for Autumn. The colors remind me of where the sky touches the sea. But with all this knitting, I'm going to have very sore hands by the time this trip is over.
We had just got through customs after our four-hour fight. I had been sitting for so long that my legs felt like noodles, and I was very shaky on my feet. This has been the craziest day ever. It was already 8pm, and we still had a three hour drive until we get to our new house. I made Dad promise we would stop to get caffeine. I will definitely be sleeping in a bed tonight. My little sisters are camping out in the living room, but I camped in the living room all last week. Ugh my thoughts are all scrambled.
I don't know how our cars are getting to Ohio but I guess I'll ask tomorrow. We're using a rental minivan for now. The interior smells weird, and the trunk is too small, so our luggage overflows into the cab. I opt for the front row, and so does Kenzie. Brayleigh and Dan are in the back. We all have to fold our legs up, because our suitcases and bags are covering the ground. I'm starting to wonder why we didn't just send our clothes in the moving van. I grab my sling bag and put it up against the window to use as a pillow. I've done allot of sleeping today. Kenzie scoots right over next to me and leans her head on my shoulder. I wrap my arm around her, and soon we're both snoring. Wait! I shall never admit to snoring.
"Angelinaaaa" I wake up to soft whispering and feel steam on my face. What? Oh that smells good. Just a cup of gas station coffee, but I take it and whisper my thanks. It's summer, but my hands are cold in the air conditioning and I'm grateful for the warm cup. I look out the window and soon we're moving again. "Mum what time is it?" "It's about 10:45, but traffic was heavy a bit back. We should be there about 11, okay?" I nodded and leaned my head back against the window, sipping my coffee every once in a while. I was just watching the cars pass by and thinking about my life back home. My german roller canary, Soleado, (Sunny, in Spanish) had to go to a foster home for pets, since the plane ride would be too much stress for him. Maybe I'll get another one. Although, I could always get something new. After this thought conversation, I got lost thinking about school. This is my sophomore year, and I don't know anybody there...
We pulled into a neighborhood, and Mom turned around "Lina could you wake up your sisters?" "Yeah. Do you want me to get Damian, too?" "No, He'll wake up on his own once Leigh gets moving." I nodded and started gently shaking Kenzie. She was still asleep on my shoulder. "Mmm. Are we there yet?" She mumbles sleepily. "Almost. time to wake up!" She climbs over the seat and rouses Brayleigh, and soon Damian's awake, as well. Dad's driving slowly, looking for our new address. We come up to this two-story house, with lights all around, and Dad confirms the address. All the lights are on, inside and outside. The place is illuminated as if to say "You're home!" (Imagine a stone house illuminated with lights, and set back from the road with a cast iron fence, a nice yard, and a big tree in the back.)
Dad parks the rental in the driveway, and we all help carry the bags to the front door. Dad locks the rental and searches around on his key ring until he finds the right one. He unlocks the door, and we pick up the bags again. We make a few trips to carry everything into the kitchen, and than grab our own bags and go searching for our bedrooms. Leigh and Kenzie dumped their bags in their bedroom and headed into the living room for tonight. It was 11:30, and even us older four gave up. We ruffled around for blankets, and walked on down to make ourselves at home in the living room. I stand corrected. I will not be sleeping in a bed tonight. Nobody slept much that night, we were all laughing together.
When I finally woke up, my iPod had stopped playing, the car was moving, I was covered with a blanket, and propped up against Damian's shoulder. I roused and put my feet on the floor, stretching my hands up to touch the ceiling as I let out a big yawn. "Mmmm." Damian looked over and chuckled a bit. "So you're awake! Took long enough. My shoulder went completely numb." I smiled and stretched again, rubbing my eyes. "How long was I asleep?" "Well we're practically at the airport. We'll be there within twenty minutes, but probably more like fifteen." Wow okay then. I slept for over an hour. I reached down into my sling bag and returned the MP3 player, then grabbed my notebook and started writing. I always write my feelings, it helps me process things.
There you were, Just waiting for me. And you were my heart, but you still held the key. You know me. You've seen me. you understand who I am, who I've been, who I will be. But where are you now, my broken dream ship? I ride on without you at a steady clip. I can't wait, my life moves on. But you're on my heart, a weight that doesn't belong.
I sat there and stared at my notebook. I've run out of tears to cry, and it's only been two hours. But it isn't worth it any more. I can't stay this way forever. So I ruffled through the pages of my notebook until I found the piece that I had just written, and I added these words;
I'm letting go, no matter how it hurts. I'm moving forwards, you're staying where you were. My old past and my old life. I've got to start over, in my heart you're a knife. I may always love you, but miss you I shan't - maybe I won't, or maybe I can't.
But I can be better without you.
writing that seemed to finalize my thoughts. I felt ready to move on. So I grabbed my phone, and sent a text.
I Love You. But it's time for me to move on. Don't forget me.
With these words, I set up a barrier between Johnny and my emotions. We arrived at the airport, and I stuffed everything back in my bag.
I never got a reply.
It was about an hour later. Mom had the luggage receipt, I had the window seat, and my sling bag was stuffed at my feet below me. I was sitting next to Damian, and the rest of my family was in the center aisle. It was a huge plane. I buckled my seatbelt, put my phone on airplane mode, and again pressed shuffle on my MP3 player. I could probably waste an hour or two like this. But a nonstop flight from LA to Ohio is 4 hours long. Yay.
----------
I was staring out the window, and knitting away at the scarf in my lap. Damian looks over and raises his eyebrows. "What?" I query. "You knit?" "Um, yeah? It's a good time filler." He rolls his eyes, obviously amused. The scarf's actually looking pretty good, and should be finished in time for Autumn. The colors remind me of where the sky touches the sea. But with all this knitting, I'm going to have very sore hands by the time this trip is over.
We had just got through customs after our four-hour fight. I had been sitting for so long that my legs felt like noodles, and I was very shaky on my feet. This has been the craziest day ever. It was already 8pm, and we still had a three hour drive until we get to our new house. I made Dad promise we would stop to get caffeine. I will definitely be sleeping in a bed tonight. My little sisters are camping out in the living room, but I camped in the living room all last week. Ugh my thoughts are all scrambled.
I don't know how our cars are getting to Ohio but I guess I'll ask tomorrow. We're using a rental minivan for now. The interior smells weird, and the trunk is too small, so our luggage overflows into the cab. I opt for the front row, and so does Kenzie. Brayleigh and Dan are in the back. We all have to fold our legs up, because our suitcases and bags are covering the ground. I'm starting to wonder why we didn't just send our clothes in the moving van. I grab my sling bag and put it up against the window to use as a pillow. I've done allot of sleeping today. Kenzie scoots right over next to me and leans her head on my shoulder. I wrap my arm around her, and soon we're both snoring. Wait! I shall never admit to snoring.
"Angelinaaaa" I wake up to soft whispering and feel steam on my face. What? Oh that smells good. Just a cup of gas station coffee, but I take it and whisper my thanks. It's summer, but my hands are cold in the air conditioning and I'm grateful for the warm cup. I look out the window and soon we're moving again. "Mum what time is it?" "It's about 10:45, but traffic was heavy a bit back. We should be there about 11, okay?" I nodded and leaned my head back against the window, sipping my coffee every once in a while. I was just watching the cars pass by and thinking about my life back home. My german roller canary, Soleado, (Sunny, in Spanish) had to go to a foster home for pets, since the plane ride would be too much stress for him. Maybe I'll get another one. Although, I could always get something new. After this thought conversation, I got lost thinking about school. This is my sophomore year, and I don't know anybody there...
We pulled into a neighborhood, and Mom turned around "Lina could you wake up your sisters?" "Yeah. Do you want me to get Damian, too?" "No, He'll wake up on his own once Leigh gets moving." I nodded and started gently shaking Kenzie. She was still asleep on my shoulder. "Mmm. Are we there yet?" She mumbles sleepily. "Almost. time to wake up!" She climbs over the seat and rouses Brayleigh, and soon Damian's awake, as well. Dad's driving slowly, looking for our new address. We come up to this two-story house, with lights all around, and Dad confirms the address. All the lights are on, inside and outside. The place is illuminated as if to say "You're home!" (Imagine a stone house illuminated with lights, and set back from the road with a cast iron fence, a nice yard, and a big tree in the back.)
Dad parks the rental in the driveway, and we all help carry the bags to the front door. Dad locks the rental and searches around on his key ring until he finds the right one. He unlocks the door, and we pick up the bags again. We make a few trips to carry everything into the kitchen, and than grab our own bags and go searching for our bedrooms. Leigh and Kenzie dumped their bags in their bedroom and headed into the living room for tonight. It was 11:30, and even us older four gave up. We ruffled around for blankets, and walked on down to make ourselves at home in the living room. I stand corrected. I will not be sleeping in a bed tonight. Nobody slept much that night, we were all laughing together.
Notes
Sorry! I skipped yesterday,and kind of a filler chapter today. But the poetry is my own, so please do NOT use it for your own purposes. I will put up house pictures tomorrow.
Keep reading, Daisies!
@AyeeeBriii
Thank you so much!
8/15/14