Rage

It had been about a month since our last incident. And that in itself was something to smile about. I did so to myself as I took a stroll through Lori and I’s neighborhood to clear my head. It had been suggested by the therapist to do from time to time when I felt a little trapped inside myself, and unable to see things quite as vividly as I should. I loved him…I had been ninety-nine percent sure of that for a few days now, so it was just a matter of when and how I’d tell him. I knew in my heart that he would accept it happily either way but it still didn’t make things easier for me…and this I hated.

Trees hovered over the street on both sides, encouraging the wind against my hair and skin as I walked slowly. The sky was different complexions of grey, and each moment I’d spent under it the clouds had become more resistant to hold its water. I didn’t care. I loved the rain. Nothing was better than lying in bed during an episode and the drops trickled down the windows like tears on one’s cheek. There was nothing more beautiful…well except Harry, of course. His call buzzed my phone just after the thought, and I’d felt that little flutter in my heart’s chambers that told me he was the one.

Harry:
“Come on, Ally. I miss you…and I made your favorite for dinner.”

I smiled to myself, looking down at my creepers as the drizzle began against them. His voice caused my inner body to tingle with excitement.

Ally:
“Relax. I’ll be over soon. I’m just-“

Harry:
“Taking those walks that you do? What’s that about anyways, Allison?”

I never told him about Dr.Horan. I don’t know why but maybe I would today. During my last two sessions with him, he had been urging me to bring Harry in. I still didn’t know how I felt about that or rather how he would. But what I did know was that maybe telling him would be good, especially to see how he felt about the situation.

Ally:
“It’s refreshing. Now leave it. I’ll be there in an hour.”

--

He answered the door with the first knock. A hug was planted on me before I was lifted for one of those movie scene types of kisses. It was slow and his scent was hypnotizing. Now that I thought about it, there was very little that I didn’t like about him lately. Even how his nails were and the way his hair had gotten longer.

Harry:
“It’s a good thing you’re here, because…”

The situation was brought to a more serious note as he let me down and led me toward the couch. The aroma of the house was initialized from the kitchen and caused my stomach to protest against the last hour I’d gone without eating.

Ally:
“What’s wrong?”

He sat me in front of him, quite intimately with his hands rubbing against my legs that were bare in this short fitting skirt. I wondered if my eyeliner had run with the walk from the car. He seemed sort of nervous, which was always a plus for me given how adorable and human he seemed to me.

Harry:
“Don’t be mad, k?”

What this time? He pecked my cheek, enrolling his fingers with mine until I’d become nervous.

Harry:
“It’s nothing too bad…I just woke up this morning, and I’ve been craving alcohol ever since…”

I blank quickly as I felt the wall I held trying to wedge between us again with thoughts resurfacing from the past. His eyes waited for me, like I held some sort of answer key. I hoped quite loudly that he didn’t give in to that demon.

Ally:
“Did you-“

Harry:
“No. I just don’t even want to think about it… but it’s hard, Ally. I’m really trying for you.”

Damn it, he could be such a sweetheart sometimes. But I definitely felt intense fear at the old ways returning and pulling that Harry away from me. I reached in my bag for my cigarettes and saw him instantly frown with disapproval.

Harry:
“I thought I told you-“

Ally:
“I haven’t smoked in nearly in a month. Relax.”

I handed them to him along with the lighter I pulled from the side pocket. I didn’t want him to smoke just as much as he felt for me, but it was all I could come up with on such short notice. And I’d rather him smoke than black out and hurt me, any day. His dimples made their appearance again and the thought escaped me.

Harry:
“So you want me to replace one habit with another?”

I took one from the pack and place between his lips. The lighter was lit with my thumb and I’d urged him to continue.

Ally:
“Well, we’ll work on that next.”

He puffed, taking the cigarette between his fingers and releasing the smoke from his lips to the side of us. I’d given one last kiss before getting up to head off to the kitchen, dragging him behind me.

--

He had been understanding about the entire thing which undeniably enhanced my self esteem about the whole matter. He now sat beside me on the long sofa while we waited for the counselor to enter and sit across from us. He’d done just that a few minutes in, after shaking Harry’s hand as they met for the first time. This was weird.

Harry:
“You didn’t tell me he was a guy.”

There was little disapproval there but I’d place my fingers in the spaces of his to suppress it.

Dr.Horan:
“Oh, I see you don’t talk about me much.”

He addressed me in irony. I smiled politely, letting the joke go as he pulled out the infamous writing pad that was always present with my visit. I leaned against Harry nervously, but the action of his thumb rubbing against my knuckles was beginning to help.

Dr.Horan:
“So…this is a big deal for you Ally, isn’t it? Have you crossed that off of your checklist yet?”

Cringe. He was referring to me telling Harry how I felt about him. And no I hadn’t. I shook my head slowly with a look that suggested that he shouldn’t go there. I could tell that Harry had instantly picked it up when he looked from him to me slowly.

Dr.Horan:
“Nevermind that. What’s important is that you’re both here.”

I was glad he’d interjected there before Harry had a chance to. He had began writing again which instantly led me to believe I’d answered incorrectly…He asked Harry a few questions that I had to admit I was a little surprised by. I didn’t exactly consider what we’d be discussing during this session but I thought it would be central to our relationship together; how we communicate, have either of us ever cheated, and so forth. He continued while I thought in the background, Harry’s hand still giving that attention to mine.

Dr.Horan:
“Do you argue?”

Harry:
“Only about little things. But for the most part not really, no.”

Dr.Horan:
“So not like before. Okay…”

He said jotting something down again. I instantly felt a little uncomfortable next to Harry when he said that.

Dr.Horan:
“What’s changed?”

Harry:
“Wait. What do you mean, “Not like before?”

Oh, God. I wish he didn’t go there. The tone in his voice was more than enough to tell me he wasn’t in the best mood now over that.

Dr.Horan:
“I just mean that there’s been progression, yea? No other people or…”

He cleared his voice to say what I really wish he had just let be.

Dr.Horan:
“…Episodes of rage.”

His eyebrows were together now as he looked at the blonde guy sat a short ways from us. And then it was my turn.

Harry:
“Ally?”

He turned to me letting my fingers go and saying my name with volume.

Harry:
“You fucking told him!?”

I tried reaching for contact again but he’d snatched away aggressively.

Harry:
“Is this what you do when you come here…the reason you didn’t tell me before?”

Ally:
“No, please Harry. I-I just tell him what’s bothering me.”

Boy did I regret not thinking that over first.

Ally:
“I mean- I had to open up. He doesn’t judge.”

Harry:
“Yea, and I bet you repeat everything I’ve ever said to you…”

He seemed hurt. His eyes had turned that green that usually only made entrance with the alcohol. I felt fear for a second that he’d carry on with me there and forget the doctor was still present in the room.

Harry:
“I take it back...all of it.”

He’d gotten up furiously leaving the room and slamming the door so wouldn’t dare follow. I stood there in front of it feeling broken and disconnected from the world around me. Frames on his wall swayed with the disturbance and I’d felt the warmth trickle down my cheek like it had been against the windowpanes of his office. I knew exactly what words he had been talking about. The ones I repeated with his voice in my head, and had replaced the nightmares with steamy dreams of him with. It took a wild to clear the doctor’s voice but eventually it had gotten through in a breach somewhere.

Dr.Horan:
“Ally, I-“

Ally:
“Why the hell did you tell him that?!”

I wiped them from my face as the anger encouraged.

Ally:
“I thought you were supposed to help! He hates me now.”

Apologies were given as I walked away to escape but my mind couldn’t distinct one word from the other. Harry had driven, so now I was left here…walking quietly through the halls minus his voice calling after me from where I had come. I pulled out my phone to dial Lori, but it had gone dead… Great.


--

I took one from a fresh pack and lit it into the air.

Lori:
“Do you want me to tell mom and dad?”

She asked getting up from the sofa beside Alex and heading to make dinner…it was never like Harry’s, but still she was the best. She’d snatched it from my lips on the way, taking the packaging from the table just in front of me.

Lori:
“And I better not see another ashtray around the house.”

He laughed as she exited but I was never in a laughing mood these days.

Alex:
“Are those new?”

He gestured to my inked arm trail that constantly reminded me of him.

Ally:
“Almost two months. You want a drink?”

I pulled the bottle of Everclear from underneath the sofa and unscrewed it quickly before she could return.

Alex:
“Sure.”

I knew he’d say that because it just seemed he always wanted to relate to me in some way when we spent any time around each other. I guess despite his crush, he just wanted to know me. I knew that feeling.

I’d gotten up, dumping the glass of water in the house plants and filling it back halfway. The same was done with his, and I’d quickly screwed back on the cap and placed it where it had been hidden. I ended up drinking it quickly anyways, as the burn was slowly becoming a thrill from day to day.

Alex:
“What’s wrong Allison?”

He’d pronounced after sipping and placing it on the table. He was the second guy that used my name that way. It was weird that I never seemed to mine.

Ally:
“Does something have to be wrong to have a drink?”

I asked sarcastically while wiping the corners of my mouth.

Alex:
“In your case…yes. I’ve seen it before, remember.”

I went to head for the stairs only to have him linger behind with his questions. It had nearly been three weeks since the last I saw Harry, so there was no way I’d have another parent to nag me about my feelings…I was so close to telling him how I felt, but now I realized it was purely for the best. Telling someone you loved them was giving them a reason to screw you over. To hang your feelings in the balance and disappoint you the way they never had. In a way I was grateful for what happened…because I had nearly made another mistake. The first was allowing someone so reckless to intellectually experience me in the first place. He continued with his questions of worry and overbearing protectiveness.

Ally:
“Look. What is it that you want, Alex?”

I stopped turning around to lean against my closed bedroom door there in the hallway. He faced me patiently. This was not the person you wanted company from in the event of a hangover.

Ally:
“Sex? We can do that. Just, please stop talking.”

He seemed a little surprised but I hadn’t much understood why. He obviously felt a little more for me than I did him, but honestly it wasn’t that big of a deal. And I was over the feelings part.

Alex:
“Are you drunk again?”

I opened the door to remove my shirt watching as he stepped in and closed the door behind him.

Ally:
“It was a half of a small glass, you saw me.”

My hands went for the pack of cigarettes on the nightstand table but he’d taken them away and pulled me close.

Alex:
“Come on.”

His eyes looked over my body. He kissed my lips, running his fingers over my skin of tattoos and through the scalp of my hair. I pulled back awkwardly, not wanting to kiss. Not wanting that affection. He pecked my neck without noticing, speaking slowly through them.

Alex:
“You obviously need it for your own reasons too. And I’m okay with that…”

Notes

Maybe she shouldn't have told him about the counseling thing. Lol.

Thanks for reading guys.