Rage

I squeezed snugly to his hand as the needle punctured my arm with repetition. The similar sound of a drill filled my inner ear seemingly with permanence. The tears from the pain had long since dried but formed a layer just around my eyes as his smooth voice encouraged me still.

Harry:
"Almost done. You're doing so good."

The last of the sleeve was about done now but it felt I had forever still. The artist had taken various tattoos I'd chosen from Harry's body and meshed them in a trail until the bare skin of my arm was filled. I peeked when his motions stopped and saw the flare and red irritation I'd be dealing with until it healed. He took his time finishing up while he and Harry spoke in the background. I couldn't exactly follow along, granted the headache that developed with me from the pain. I didn't move my arm until I was given permission and it shined of a sticky oil of a sort. I'd gotten several kisses from Harry as the artist bandaged me up and eventually sent me on my way. I never breathed better than those few minutes of air of the outside as we exited the shop. He stared for a bit as I pulled my hair from my face.

Harry:
"They're beautiful on you. You took that so well."

I wanted to say I've had worse but feared that may have rang a few bells.
He held my hand opposite of it as we made our way to the car quite close. I smiled to myself with his compliment.

Ally:
"Thanks... Wasn't so bad after awhile."

Wow that was a little overstated but I'd leave it. Though it was something about a tear between extreme discomfort and Harry's hair tickling the skin of my neck as he stood over me. He shuffled it just then and I'd taken a quick peak at the bandage covering the ink he'd just gotten added on his wrists. I definitely wouldn't have done this if it weren't for his slight influence on me.

Harry:
"What are you going to do about work?"

Ally:
"Long sleeves. It's always freezing at that office anyways."

I felt sappy with his affection. He opened the door of his car for me, helping me in, and closing it once I'd settled. His body appeared next to me shortly and I was helped with my buckle.

Harry:
"Are you hungry? We can stop wherever you want."

I was certainly having the most fun with him this past week than I'd ever had. And though I hadn't reciprocated those three words back to him, he made it more than clear that it was no pressure there.

Ally:
"I'll have anything. Your pick."

--

Harry:
"Come on, Ally. You never talk about it."

And he should have known that there was likely a reason for that. It wasn't pushy, I guess. Just a guy trying to get to know his girlfriend a bit...I didn't know why it was so hard for me. But as long as it wasn't about him, he was easier to talk to than the therapist. I looked down at the plate I'd partially finished but suddenly had became a little disinterested in. There weren't many people here at the hour so I felt our conversation was private enough. The lighting was dim and encouraging. I twirled the fork on the plate as we sat in the booths across from each other in the far left of the diner.

Ally:
"It wasn't the best. I didn't want to, but the guy didn't seem to care...He was pretty into it."

Moments had seemed to go by slowly with the mute segment after my statement. The twirling of the fork became repetitive to fill the void of revealing eye contact. It didn't matter long because my chin was lifted slowly in an invasion of thought. With that I noticed this was getting to him. I knew it would, which was another reason why I never cared to mention it before. But my skin was tougher than he thought.

Harry:
"Are you saying he..."

Ally:
"I'm alright. I mean, no one's first time is perfect right..."

I tried softening the blow, wishing I would have just avoided this as always. It was one thing for him to hate himself for the things he'd done to me in the past but another to hear I'd dealt a little of that from another before. Harry had hurt me...but anytime intimacy came into play it was always something I wanted...possible more so than he.

Harry:
"I'm so sorry, Ally."

I didn't want or need a pity party. So changing the subject became my goal for the next few minutes.

Ally:
"Don't be. It happened, it's done. Now answer my question."

I dabbled on his plate to take a few chips and turn the tables a little, metaphorically speaking.

Harry:
"Hmm..."

He was initially reluctant to drop it, but thought for a minute on that one for my sake. There had to be something I didn't know about him. And though I was mostly closed with him he seemed to have been the exact opposite in this relationship. I felt I knew quite a bit.

Harry:
"I can cook. Like really well."

A smile formed from me with a giggle thereafter.

Ally:
"No you can't."

Harry:
"...Is that a bet?"

Ally:
"No way, I would have known by now."

He drank a bit of my beverage, neglecting his own with a smirk gracing his face as he watched me.

Ally:
"Make me dinner tomorrow, Styles."

Harry:
"Done."

Oh, this would be good. And if this came to be true he'd better have a good reason for always making me cook.

Ally:
"So..."

I leaned more into the table careful to keep my arm beneath it to avoid contact.

Ally:
"Where are you with you're little problem?"

He pulled his wallet from his pocket and took a bill from it, placing it in the center of the table.

Harry:
"I haven't been drinking. And I haven't much been thinking about it till now, so you mind if we leave it?"

I'd placed a border back between us at his tone, wishing I wouldn't have said anything.

My eyes fell to my lap as the waiter approached with the bill, putting a draft in the tone between us. It didn't take her long to leave though and soon we were headed out.

I reached for the car door when he stopped me, stepping in slowly until I was pressed between him and it.

Harry:
"I don't mean to hurt your feelings, alright."

He brushed at my jaw line with his fingers before tucking my hair behind my ear. His nose was to mine and his gorgeous eyes close with beautifully thick eye lashes all around. I loved this gesture under the darkness of the sky.

Harry:
"It's just not a weakness I'm proud of. You, on the other hand...are one that I am."

He bit my lip just enough to weaken my knees. I closed my eyes to fall into the kiss, enjoying the pressure of him against my body. His lips were soft and plumped against mine. They moved like a dance between mine as tongues collided there in the darkness.

Harry:
"You want to go home?"

I shook my head slowly as his hands felt around my bum to my back thigh. I knew I probably should, given the fact that I hadn't spent the night home in what seemed ages, just from spending so much time with him.

Ally:
"To yours."

--

Harry:
"I'm starting to think that as long as I'm with you, I won't have that problem anymore."

He was gentle as he slowly undressed me. His tongue dipped in places of my skin setting in the burn that I loved.

Harry:
"I'm realizing my new addiction."

He motioned me to lift a bit before unlatching my bra and throwing it to the side. His tongue again trailed my chest into the sensitive areas of it. I felt so helpless beneath him as I waited in a whimper. It was clear he enjoyed our intimacy for my reaction.

I was grateful he'd been avoiding my arm, given it still throbbed from earlier in the night. The thought went when he rubbed his thumb to the front of my undies as he teased me.

Harry:
"And I have to admit something...I love the way you taste."

Oh God. I couldn't take the build that had been preventing me from keeping still. Holding my breath didn't work but gripping the sheets of his bed seem to give me leverage.

The moans became louder when his warm, pink tongue had finally made contact with me there. His kisses were close before moving his tongue slowly in an up and down motion. I felt him smile against me as if pleased with the feedback.

Harry:
"Play in my hair, will you? I like it."

Really what he liked was driving my insane this way. My legs seemed to want me to wiggle away but that wouldn't happen with his grip on me. I rubbed my fingers through his perfect head of hair, though they were slightly unsteady the more he gave attention to the spot. The one thing I loved more than this was being taken by him in this bed. I didn't want to fall apart before he had a chance to so I tugged his chin upward for him to stop.

Ally:
"If you don't stop, I'm going to finish Harry."

Harry:
"Promise?"

He showed off his dimples before lowering again. Come to think of it he rarely ever listened to me when I said this. Usually because he already had his agenda when starting. He sucked and it had gotten even harder for me to remain in place. It was quiet except for me and the sound of his lips against me. His scalp was soft on my fingers when I came to an end. He didn't allow time for the feelings of pleasure to cease shooting to my brain, keeping his mouth there until I was completely ridden out. He kissed around for a moment as I caught my breath, his pecks moving to my inner thigh as he slid the fabric back in place.

I received his lips against mine once more as fatigue fell over me.

Harry:
"Go to sleep."

I heard over closed eyelids and I was gently cradle into him.

--

It was the next morning and I had been under one of his large shirts again after my shower.

Harry:
"Just keep still. I'll be easy."

He removed the bandage covering my arm entirely so that he could clean it properly. I sat on the counter of the sink in the bathroom as I watched him more so than what he was doing. It helped.

Ally:
"You're so careful with me lately. What's that about? I'm not going to break, you know."

I smiled, the view up at him was a great one with the well lit room.

Harry:
"...I should always be."

I liked watching him while he took care of me, his green eyes were something to get lost in.

Harry:
"I need to ask something..."

Ally:
"Alright."

What could that be? I hope I hadn't done anything.

Harry:
"Did Lori know about before?"

I shifted a bit, looking away for a moment.

Ally:
"Yea...I never really told her. She just...figures it out. It's actually quite annoying, she figures everything out."

He stopped, thinking and sighing out his thoughts before continuing. I remembered briefly coming home several times and having her interrogate me about the bruises. But that was then.

Harry:
"Yea, I figured that's why she hates me."

Ally:
"She doesn't, she was like that with most of my boyfriends."

I tried making him feel better but wasn't sure if that had worked. He stayed quiet for the remainder of his task before helping me down from the counter.

Harry:
"We'll have to do that three more times today, alright."

A peck was placed to my forehead before he went for the door. He stayed for a second in the frame seemingly in admiration of the ink now stained to me.

Harry:
"What'd you dream about?"

I didn't remember telling him I dreamt of anything.

Ally:
"Pardon?"

Harry:
"...Last night, you were freaking out a little in your sleep. I pulled you close and it seemed to go away but what was it?"

I looked downward to the floor just then, not knowing of the actions he just spoke of until now. But the thoughts ran deep.

Ally:
"We were just arguing..."

I hoped he wouldn't question it further but I was naive to hope that.

Harry:
"And by arguing...you mean me hitting you."

I didn't answer immediately but I realized I should have.

Ally:
"It was just a dream."

Harry:
"Yea, but it wasn't Allison. I've already scarred you mentally."

I stepped closer and pass the wall he was placing around himself.

Ally:
"...then why did I feel so safe with you last night..."

My fingers filled the spaces between his while I stood on my tippy toes to place my lips briefly to his.

Ally:
"Just stay like this for me. And in time I'll forget it, okay."

He leaned down burying his head in my neck as I hugged him in. His hands lingered around me and I'd felt accomplished with opening up to him.

Harry:
"Your hugs are the best."

--

Dr.Horan:
"Why couldn't you tell me that before?"


Ally:
"...I hadn't yet told Harry."

Dr.Horan:
"But you have now?"

Ally:
"Yes. I've been opening up a bit. We're better."

Dr.Horan:
"Better as in he's no longer abusing you?"

Why so forward.

Ally:
"As in, I'm getting to know him minus the alcohol...He's actually pretty sweet, but I never knew how much before."

There he was again with the writing. I wondered if I asked what that was about if he'd really tell me.

Dr.Horan:
"Go on..."

Ally:
"Even though he's been amazing...I still get the nightmares. And he never knew about them until just yesterday."

Dr.Horan:
"I'm glad that you told him. It's progress."

Not exactly.

Ally:
"Well...he figured it out, I guess he noticed one night. It hurts him more than it does me and I hate to see that."

Dr.Horan:
"Why?"

What did he mean, why? That question seemed to follow every statement with these counselors.

Ally:
"Because, I care a lot for him."

Dr.Horan:
"Because you care for him, or because you love him?"

Silence kept me quiet for a second while I found interesting again with the pattern of the floor.

Ally:
"I don't love Harry."

Dr.Horan:
"Are you telling me or yourself?"

Ally:
"You think that I do?"

Dr.Horan:
"Doesn't matter what I think, now does it?"

Then why the hell am I here.

Ally:
"What does it seem?"

Dr.Horan:
"That you'll never say it because of what you've been through...no matter how much he changes."

Dr.Horan:
"Because saying it means vulnerability and it's easier to face abuse from someone you don't love...so that's what you tell yourself."

I listened with an open ear. Not that I enjoyed having my brain picked but it definitely helped me put things into perspective.

Dr.Horan:
"If I'm reading it wrong, let me know."

I'd rather not say anything because I wasn't sure myself. He took it as answer enough and continued as our hour together had come to an end.

Dr.Horan:
"Twice a week from now on, okay?"

I thought I was a lot better than our first visit but I guess not.

Notes

Thanks for the comments. I'm glad you all like the story.