Rage

I was cold in his arms. My head lay comfortably against his chest as I resisted the urge to feel out of place. His fingers were there in the spaces of mine, gripped securely as he slept. I wish I had closed the window to shut out the wariness of this odd day. The wind blew the curtains ever so often as the smell of Lori’s cooking came slowing creeping in from beneath the closed door. I was grateful for his fatigue so I could have this moment of collection. I seemed to like my way of feeling now but mostly because I felt nothing at all. I didn’t cry…I didn’t miss…I didn’t care. It was easy losing yourself when you weren’t exactly sure of your true person to begin with.

My thoughts changed as the wind blew in again, brushing against the areas of my skin that neglected to be covered in the thin sheet of the bedding. That’s when I felt his fingers brush in an up and down motion against my back affectionately. I didn’t feel affection.
‎
Alex:
“How long was I asleep?”
‎
He stirred a bit, removing himself of the exhaustion and planting a kiss on my forehead.

Ally:
“Awhile…”

And he didn’t snore so that had made my restlessness that much easier. I removed my head from him to sit up, and then slipped from the covers feeling the weight of my hair fall to my shoulders while I searched for my bathing essentials.

Ally:
“I’m going to shower. Lori’s cooking; you should probably go eat... Tell her I’ll be down.”

I felt my words escaped different paths of thought as I located my things.

My towel was around me as I made my way past where he now sat, lower half covered in sheets at the foot of the bed.
‎
Alex:
“Hey.”

My wrist was caught in his hand to pull me close. But I guess I expected that.

Alex:
“You okay?”

I didn’t know how this would now affect the dynamic of our relationship, but still I knew that it would. Maybe the hot shower would help me in deciphering that out. I nodded as his fingers brushed my face in thought.

Ally:
“Go. I’ll just be a few minutes.”

--

I was grateful she hadn’t much bothered us about our lengthy hours out of sight. I turned off the faucet after doing the remainder of the dishes and cleaning the area around the sink.

Lori:
“You ready?”

She scooped her keys from the kitchen table, pulling on her jacket one arm at a time.
‎
Alex:
“Sure.”

He’d done the same as we exited the kitchen and walked gradually to the door with conversation. I had completely forgotten what he told me about his car being in the shop, but I assumed that was where Lori was taking him now.

Lori:
“You need anything?”

She asked as she led out toward the car, Alex lingering back beside me. I wanted to say cigarettes and my brand of vodka, but decided I’d just avoid that argument.

Ally:
“I’m good. Thanks.”

He stood just outside of the door as I waited in the frame for his goodbye.

Alex:
“…You’re not going to stop answering my calls now, are you?”

He smiled down amusingly. I always liked his smile but I’d never tell him that. It was just easier not to.

Ally:
“Maybe.”

I replied back only half jokingly as his arms roamed my waist. Usually I would care about Lori seeing this sort of thing, but really I just didn’t. That’s how things were with me for awhile now. I didn’t expect the kiss… or the longevity of it. I felt still nothing as he pulled away until he’d given the smile again.

Alex:
“I’ll call tonight.”

Ally:
“…Okay.”

I didn’t know what I was doing… but at least now that the house was empty I’d have a little time to figure that out. I stood there in the doorframe until the car was out of sight. I then closed the door, pressing my back firmly to the inside. And allowed my lungs deep access to the air. I wasn't okay. ‎

--
‎
Ally:‎
“Another.”
‎
I had ended up at the bar somehow, staring at the bottom of an empty glass. It was dimly lit with small chat among it’s customers around the room as the bartender continued to better my day. I sat, tapping my fingers idly against the counter and watched as he filled the glass only halfway this time.

“I know you’re driving.”

We never formally met but I was more than sure he was use to seeing my face for the past few weeks. And that I wasn’t proud of. I didn’t dispute him as I sipped again from the glass, dialing back when the sound of an incoming call buzzed from my phone. I tapped quickly at the screen out of sheer curiosity.

Ally:
“Yea?”

Alex:
“I thought you were staying home, where are you?”

I really hoped he wasn’t one of those types of guys who had become really clingy just after the first time. To my recollection, we were still only friends so I didn’t see that I owed him much of an answer anyways. My eyes trailed my arm of dark ink in boredom.
‎
Ally:
“Out. I’ll be back in a bit.”

I didn’t mean to come off as snappy as I did, but he was cutting into my alone time. I’d apologize later. The line went numb for a moment before he continued.

Alex:
“Just wanted to see if you’d come to this party with me…only if you want.”

I was beginning to both feel bad, and a little like I held some responsibility to do as he asked now. A party was probably what I needed anyways. I didn’t know why I seemed to flock to things that usually had gotten me waisted but I was fully aware of the habit.

Ally:
“Sure.”

I downed the rest of the glass, being sure not to slam it so I wouldn’t immediately give myself away.
‎
Alex:
“Well, it’s in a couple of hours so-“

Ally:
“Alright, alright. I’m coming now.”

I’d gotten off of the phone before much else could be said. The keys were grabbed quickly and I headed for the direction of the door when I saw him.
‎
Oh.

I didn’t know whether to feel hurt or anger as she clung to him closely. I immediately noticed her decision to where next to nothing for him as they looked about for a place to be seated. Their faces touched as she talked with him playfully, her hands guiding his up against the back of her bare thighs in the short skirt. I felt that the person I was becoming densely grew even more lost than before. I should have been content that happiness seemed to find him well…but I wasn’t. My eyes looked away and I’d rapidly removed myself from the situation before I could be seen.

--
‎
It was four shots and a beer away as I tried enjoying myself. We were at one of his mate’s place with some friends of my own that I’d insisted on bringing along. It was pretty crowded by this hour and the music had seemed to get louder with every drink I took back. God, and the headache. It was my own fault, but honestly I couldn’t find a fuck to give right now so I’d just deal with it in the morning.
‎
Alex:‎
“No more drinks for you.”

He hugged me while communicating closely in my ear. Sober or not, I was fully aware of how his touch had become very possessive of me against my waist. But at this point he could do whatever he wanted and I wouldn’t care. Not tonight.
‎
Ally:
“Last one. I promise.”

Alex:
“No, come on. You said that before.”

His lips trailed my face as I processed each word he’d spoken rather slowly. He tugged at my fingers, urging me up the stairs and away from the noise to a bedroom just down the hall. Not that it would have taken a miracle to get there on my own but he definitely helped speed things up a bit. I was picked up and sat on the bed gently as my personality became consumed by the alcohol.

Ally:
“Again already? We just got here.”

I felt really giggly but there was little I could do to control it. My hands lingered just at the hem of his shirt while he laughed into contact with my lips.

Alex:
“No. I thought you should lie down. You’re going to be sick if you keep it up.”

He sighed, backing away toward the door.

Alex:
“This wouldn’t happen if you’d just listen to me, Allison. Just stay there while I check for aspirin. I’ll be right back.”

The migraine seemed to have a pulse as I waited for his return. I focused away from it as I heard footsteps making their way down the hall… or up, I don’t know. What I wanted most was to remove my short fitting clothes; maybe I’d actually do that when he returned.‎
‎
Ally:
“H-hurry up. I’m getting bored.”
‎
I was more than certain that he hadn’t heard me or even understood if he had. I brushed my hair away that seemed to get heavier by the hour as I turned toward the door in search for him. I slammed my eyes shut immediately after, thinking maybe the affects of the alcohol was taken a bit of an extreme now.

Harry:
“Come with me.”

His voice had made it clear that it hadn’t as I sat myself up, feeling waves of indifference. The first thing I’d taken notice to was the way he dressed. Either this was different from before at the bar, or I’d just been too surprised to notice. He was attractive, with dark jeans that hugged his lower half perfectly and a curly head the way I’d saw him last. But none of this changed things. His tone was serious. No surprise there. My brain had begun to reflect when he’d left me alone that day. And again by his new girlfriend, or whatever he was calling the women in his life these days. I wondered if I missed the temper, the yelling, and drunken rages. And though there was always plenty of that in our past relationship I still missed the other times. The times that stuck out even more than just the negatives. His lips and smooth skin. Waking up and falling asleep to him. It was that intense feeling my life had been missing now... and I knew I would never get that from being with Alex or anyone else for that matter.

Ally:
“Go away.”

I replied still. I felt so alien as my words made their debut, reaching for my head in the hopes that it would give me a break this one time.

Harry:
“Now. We need to talk.”

Ally:
“Go to hell.”

With your girlfriend. ‎

Harry:
“Allison…get the fuck over here.”

He warned seemingly for the last time. My goal wasn’t to test him but he needed to know I wouldn’t just run into his arms after the things that transpired between us. I didn’t know what I wanted right now so it was best I didn’t do anything until I held a tad bit more clarity.

Ally:
“Or what?”

I didn’t know whether he’d been drinking himself but I probably should have pondered that before responding. He walked in until he stood only inches away. His green eyes were in full affect as he held back his anger for my stubborn behavior. Whatever. I didn’t feel scared…but that could have been the liquid courage.

I’d only felt fear when Alex entered the doorway in silence as he watched, waiting for the situation to explain itself. Harry had turned to acknowledge him as if he’d expected it, before turning back to me to repeat the quesiton.

Harry:
“Or what, right?

And then suddenly I was watching a madman. I felt like I couldn’t blink as he threw him to the ground, repeatedly striking blows to his face. Though he’d never handled me to this extreme it still brought on memories of his modes of darkness. My tears were present with the sound and I pushed myself quickly from the bed to put myself between the situation. Damn it, I was too drunk to deal with this shit right now. ‎

Ally:
“Harry, no!”

I cringed with the resonance, knocking like broken bones against my ear drums. I knew that he had an anger problem. But the alcohol was what brought it out the most and he had definitely been drinking tonight. He didn’t seem to mind my tears as I pulled at his torso from behind. The headache grew worst. It honestly held the feeling of a dream I couldn’t find myself out of in time before the fall occurred.

Ally:
“Harry, I’ll go with you! Just please, stop!”

It was like I’d fed the correct password to my computer as I observed him push his fingers through his hair to encourage it from his forehead, watching Alex as if daring him to get up from the floor.

Harry:
“Touch her again and I’ll fucking kill you.”

The room was suddenly chilly at his words...I'd never saw him act in such a way.

I was on my knees against the carpet beside him, studying the bruising that formed on his face. My finger’s gripped him in sympathy.

Ally:
“I’m so sorry Alex.”

I communicated through tears before being yanked from the floor and carried out.

--

The car ride was long and quiet as he drove past the speed limit. The color of night spun past the windows as we progressed forward. He held that look as often he did when I’d been in trouble but obviously hadn’t drank to the point of intoxication. I didn’t say anything in fear he’d lash out again but mentally I demanded the right to know where we were going so far away this time of night.

Harry:
“There’s aspirin in the glove compartment.”

His tone was calm to my surprise. I reached for it just in front of me on the passenger side, taking two pills from the small bottle and closing it back. I grabbed the cup containing ice and whatever beverage he’d been drinking without his permission and consumed each in union. It seemed to scrape my throat harshly on the way down but at least it would rid me of the headache. He stopped the car, and it wasn’t until then that I’d realized we didn’t have a destination. The drive was likely giving him time to think or process me being this close to him again. He turned off the engine getting out of the car in a dark, quiet, neighborhood with trees that set the mood. He paced in front of the car as he took quick breathes of air and removed his jacket from his torso. I watched from inside the car with the alcohol still intense in my blood stream, giving me a feeling of sluggishness. I debated whether or not exiting the car was the best solution, but it wasn’t like I’d be escaping him anyways. I felt anger for what he’d done to Alex back there when he knew nothing about us. He was just a good friend who seemed to care too much…and he didn’t deserve that. I got out of the car on that note and slammed it as I approached him.

Ally:
“Now tell me why you did that.”

He approached almost immediately, raising my hips to sit me on the hood of his car and slip his jacket around my shoulders. It was getting chilly now I didn’t have much on.

Harry:
“Did what?”

The pacing continued as he watched the sky and then the ground at different points in the conversation.

Ally:
“Hurt Alex that way. You don’t even know him, Harry. I don’t care if you hurt me, but you can’t hurt my friends.”

And then he faced me as if I’d struck a nerve. The chill of his eyes in the darkness was something to experience.

Harry:
“Friends? No. I saw how he was with you at the party. I'll do it again if I ever see him...‎ I’m not an idiot; I know you’re sleeping with him...”

That’s when I lost touch with his eyes, letting my own fall to examine the solid ground. He stepped close, putting his hands on both sides of me against the car and pulling my eyes back up to him.

Harry:
“Tell me you didn’t.”

I didn’t want to tell him because he would never believe what I had to say about it; that I felt nothing. Sure it was sex but that was all there was. Something to keep my mind off of things, I guess. But I had the alcohol for that. Alex was a sweet guy but I simply didn’t feel the things I always felt with Harry. Even through the arguments, I felt so alive and safe with him. And intimacy the way it was with Harry wasn’t interchangeable.

Ally:
“…It was once.”

I felt like I’d break when he looked away from me in disappointment. I knew he was hurt because I knew I would be. I already was.

Ally:
“How could you even be mad at that Harry, when I saw you at the bar wearing that blonde?”

He withdrew himself from near me to begin with the pacing again, obviously with more of a temper than before.

Harry:
“I’ve never even kissed her.”

With the way she clung around him you'd think they just finished in the bathroom. ‎

Ally:
“Whatever.”

His next words were louder. ‎

Harry:
“Allison, I haven’t. She’s just a huge flirt. I haven’t cheated on you...I told you already, I love you. But I guess I’m an idiot for that.”

I felt really confused and overemotional the more that dialogue went on between us. Because he sounded so certain in our last argument to each other that still left broken pieces to my heart. I honestly thought then that he wanted nothing to do with me.‎

Harry:
“I would never do that to you. That’s why he took you upstairs isn’t it?”

I felt the tears coming along as I glared off into the night.

Ally:
“No. That was because I was drinking too much. Don’t make me feel like a horrible person, when you’re the one who broke up with me.”

He was pissed as I sobbed through the alcohol.

Harry:
“Get off of my car.”

It was just like the last time. The scene played in my head like déjà vu all over again. I didn’t know what to say to make things better or how to think without my brain becoming dense.

Harry:
“I said, get the fuck off of my car.”

I did so quickly as his voice raised and tears fell like rain from the sky. He’d gotten in the car, starting it up and driving off around me into the night. The sound of tire harshly meeting the road echoed throughout the neighborhood and I stood there with my face buried into the palms of my hands. I was scared to walk in fear of what the darkness held. I just wanted to stand there until morning and cry until the tank had emptied. There was nothing but silence and I was drunk and alone. No phone. No cigarettes. Just me and Harry’s jacket. I tugged it close as the wind blew; walking over off the side of the road to lean behind a tree I’d been somewhat familiar with. It was a weeping willow, the kind my parents used to have in the front yard when we were kids. It wasn’t hard to recognize if you ever saw one. It just looked glum, or distressing…a lot like me right now. Awhile had gone by and I’d heard the engine of a car driving up the road where he had originally come. I just stood there against the tree and felt as I slowly began to sober up. That’s how I knew it’d been awhile. It wasn’t until I heard the car door slam that I knew who it was.

Harry:
“Ally!”

He called, but I didn’t reveal myself or come to him. Still I held my hands palm side down to my face as he called again and searched around the area he’d initially left me. Soon after, I felt his hands against my wrists to pull away the guard from my face.

Harry:
“Come on.”

Ally:
“No, just leave me…again.”

He sighed in a manner of giving up. I wished he would.

Harry:
“Look…I’m pissed at you. I can’t even stand to look at you right now, but I’m not leaving you out here. You can forget it, so let’s go.”

‎


The warmness of the car was encouraging me towards unconciousness. He didn’t say much but I knew a lot still ran through his mind. At least he was doing the speed limit now and being pulled over was one less thing for me to worry about.

Harry:
“Don’t go to sleep yet.”

It wasn’t exactly like I’d been given a choice on that.

Harry:
“Why are you getting drunk now, Ally?”

There was a rhythm to the way the engine ran. It seemed looped almost as he made his way back into our area. It’d be awhile.

Ally:
“…I missed you. It helped.”

My head was laid against the door as I waited for his voice. I tried hanging onto it so I wouldn’t fall asleep.

Harry:
“I’m right here so don’t do it anymore, okay?”

It was stern so I knew disagreeing wasn't an option. ‎

Ally:
“Okay.”

I pulled his jacket up further so that my nose could enjoy the scent of him. ‎I knew he wouldn't allow me to get this close to his actual skin for awhile.

Harry:
“…How was it?”

That’s when my eyes had opened sluggishly to stare at the glove compartment just in front of me. Immediately I knew where he was going with that.

Ally:
“Don’t.”

Harry:
“No, I want you to tell me. Everything…and don’t leave anything out.”

I kept silent for a moment while my brain took me back to something I’d since forgotten. I didn’t know how this would help the situation but my best bet was being honest. And honestly there was nothing significant to tell.

Ally:
“I didn’t like it, Harry...at all. This being without you thing was new to me. And I didn’t feel like myself, I'm sorry.”‎
‎
I was grateful that the aspirins were in effect now and I could conjure things to thought at will.

Ally:
“I’ve had a drink every day since the last time I saw you…I just thought it would help forget you. Or at least move me onto something that would keep me from drinking. But I just wanted to drink more afterward…It was stupid because I’m just not into Alex that way. I'm not into anyone.”

I felt as if I’d only been half awake. But if it weren't for those back to back vodka shots I probably would still be avoiding this conversation. ‎

Ally:
“I wanted to tell him to stop. But I just didn’t... Emotionally, I just went numb. I don’t think anyone can ever really appreciate the act unless they’re in love…”
‎
I stopped when my throat had become dry with dehydration. My words lingered around in the small space of the car as he listened attentively.

Ally:
“It’s funny because…I’ve never loved anyone. So it’s kind of like you’re my first in a way…you know.”
‎
I had fully understood what I’d just admitted to him and that I hadn’t opened up this much to him throughout our entire relationship. I didn’t know if this was some sort of epiphany or if my alcohol consumption had been in his favor. I didn’t know, but may it always be.

Ally:
“So do you understand now... why you can’t hate me? I'll never talk to him again, just don't hate me okay?”

I reached to rub my fingers up and down against his arm calmingly. I was grateful that he hadn’t snapped at me or brushed it away.

Harry:
“...Okay.”‎
‎

Notes