Rage

He held the ice pack to my shoulder quietly in a train of thought to himself. We'd managed to get most of them down, ridding them at least of the redness this time.

Ally:
"How is it?"

I asked quietly as I watched him. He lifted the pack to inspect it, placing his warm lips there to peck gently. I felt the contrast comfort me, the thumb of his other hand rubbing gently against my bare thighs beneath his shirt I'd been wearing.

Harry:
"It's better."

I could tell it broke him to see them and in that breath it did me as well. The subject was changed quickly.

Harry:
"Your sister told me you were hung over. What's that about?"

Ally:
"...You know what it was about."

No need to rehash it now that my anger at the situation had finally died.

Harry:
" I just wanted to surprise you with something that night. Everything was in place...and I was disappointed that you couldn't come."

He leaned over, burying his fingers in his dark hair in a tiring manner while he explained.

Harry:
"So I canceled everything and downed a bottle until I didn't care anymore...I know I shouldn't have and it was other ways to handle it...but that's what happened, okay."

I started to feel weird that I hadn't done more to spend that night with him, though I had no way of knowing his intentions.

Ally:
"I'm sorry..."

Harry:
"Why are you sorry, Allison? I'm like the worst boyfriend ever and you're apologizing to me."

I hated that he sounded so sure of himself. Like he'd already made up that decision about himself and there was no defending or changing it. I pulled his chin up to release my eye contact to him.

Ally:
"Don't ever say that."

Harry:
"Am I lying?"

Ally:
"I've had worse."

Harry:
"There is no worse."

I don't know why I hated to hear anyone ever speak bad about him. It mirrored the sound of claws against a chalkboard to me and I would never allow anyone to speak of him that way...not even himself.

Ally:
"God, will you stop it. I'm fine."

Harry:
"Ally... look what I did to you."

This honestly felt worse than his actually moments of rage...those I was use to by now. I looked downward, losing confidence.

Ally:
"...I know you don't mean to."

I sit on his lap in thought.

Ally:
"Just- no more other girls, Harry. Don't cheat on me. I swear, I'll do it back."

Harry:
"...Is that what you were up to the other night?"

Ally:
"I told you already."

He sighed placing back the chilled pack to my shoulder blades.

Harry:
"Alright."

Maybe I'd spare him the actual details for now. I mean anything I had done was because of him in the first place.

Ally:
"We need something to keep you from drinking. And you have to stop getting angry so quickly, I'm serious."

Harry:
"Okay...I'll try anything for you."

My body went into temporary shock at how sweet that was. Never had I heard him speak that way but could get to that... I wouldn't just yet.

--
Dr.Horan:
"He gets angry? Tell me more about that."

I sat statue-like...emotionless, though I'd been feeling the exact opposite. The sofa was comfortable. It held a great distraction from the things that spun about in my head now. I imagined the different people that had been seated here days...weeks...years before me. And even the ones that hadn't yet made it here. This was probably nothing new to him.

His voice was neutral. Nonjudgmental, if that were a word. But I couldn't find it within me to relax and open up to this person I'd only met a short time ago about something so sore to me. Someone who made me feel the deepest pleasures and thrilling side of things as well as the darkness and untraveled by.

Dr.Horan:
"Allison."

I lifted my head to take the attention away from the imperfections in my hands. His voice was smooth and patient, eyes blue and striking with the blonde presence of his hair. I tried focusing less on him and more of what he'd been asking. But the discomfort dug like knives.

Ally:
"Well..."

I heard the tick of the clock on the wall there. His pin and paper was clutched in his hands as he waited for me to continue. I'd kill Lori for making me do this.

Ally:
"When he drinks, he does it a lot and...he just blacks out-"

I tried ignoring the occurrences that popped into my head as my words searched there path.

Ally:
"When that happens I don't know him anymore... I meet this person that hurts me- That doesn't care about my feelings...or my tears."

I cleared my throat of the vulnerability I felt building. I hoped my words were reaching him, because I'd barely heard them myself. But he seemed completely engaged. He processed that for a second there in the chair just across from me.

Dr.Horan:
"And when he doesn't drink..."

Ally:
"It's almost perfect."

Dr.Horan:
"So you stay for those times, rather than leave him for the others."

I nodded as he began his quest in figuring me out.


Dr.Horan:
"Is it love? Do you love him?"

Ally:
"No."

He seemed surprised with the answer.

Dr.Horan:
"So sure...you answered quickly. Why?"

Ally:
"I don't want to make things worse than they are."

Dr.Horan:
"And loving him will make things worse?"

I felt blocked...trapped in a corner until I could talk my way out of it. The quicker he asked the questions the quicker I answered them. Without thinking or allowing myself to place filters on whatever my answer would be. I spoke from nothing but my conscious.

Ally:
"We just aren't that serious...and I won't allow myself to go there with him."

Dr.Horan:
"Why not? You obviously feel something because you haven't left, yet still it's hard for you to become too attached."

I didn't feel attacked, but the questions were given in a way that caused me to think intensely. And that wasn't something I did in Harry and I's relationship.

Dr.Horan:
"Is it because he hurts you?"

Ally:
"No. I just can't."

I waited as he wrote, not knowing yet whether or not that were a bad thing. I rubbed awkwardly against my arms as I kept still with patience.

Dr.Horan:
"Were you ever in a relationship before him?"

Ally:
"Mm hm,"

Dr.Horan:
"Tell me about it."

Ally:
"Honestly...I'd rather not."

Dr.Horan:
"Why is that?"

I let the silence be answer enough as I lost his eyes to look toward something insignificant on the floor. He paused for awhile before setting aside his notes.

Dr.Horan:
"Do me a favor, alright."

He sighed understandingly.

Dr.Horan:
"I need you to take your time...preferably between now and next session, and think about why that topic is off-limits to me. If the reason's valid, meaning nothing's wrong, I'll drop it okay."

I found it interesting how much he'd made it a point to care but I didn't know if I we were up to that. I just rather not discuss things that didn't matter anymore...it was hard enough with the topic of Harry.


--

It had actually been about a week since I'd seen him last now. I buried myself intellectually between work and home until certain memories had faded. Since talking to a therapist I wasn't sure anymore about my feelings or even why I'd been having them.

Lori:
"Hey."

Her voice had cleared for the first time to me.

Lori:
"Something was just delivered for you."

She and her boyfriend were always together which could get quite annoying at times when you couldn't figure out your own. I pulled the blanket from my body as I left the couch. She always kept the AC at full blast and if I didn't cover up I'd be frozen within an hour.

Ally:
"I didn't order anything."

Lori:
"Just go."

I bypassed her to where she sat it on the table just by the door. A beautiful bundle of flowers sitting center-line in a detailed type of glass I'd never seen before.

Lori:
"I guess he misses you..."

She said from behind before I got a chance to ask where they'd come from. Somehow they felt from someplace else, given it just wasn't in Harry's nature to do things like this. I mean ever. But then swam over me a cloud of guilt for spending so much time apart from him. We usually went no more than a few hours apart, and I guess over a week was a bit much. I did answer calls and texts but always with an excuse not to see him. I wasn't proud of it but I needed time to think.

Lori:
"Did he do it again?"

Like I wanted that conversation with her of all people.

Ally:
"I'm going now...I'll be back soon."

--

A few hours had gone and I'd bathed quietly within the walls of his bathroom after. I don't know why I thought intimacy would always make things better. Well it definitely did for a little while. But this time was different...I usually didn't have these strings of thought regarding the things we'd been through up to this point. I knew it was the damn therapist. My eyes watched at the end of the tub as the water dripped once or twice every few seconds despite my turning it off. The presence in my skin could be felt with the soreness slowly diminishing into the warm water. At least this time it was the good kind of soreness.

Harry:
"How are you?"

His voice had interrupted my unhealthy stream of consciousness, but with that voice I never could mind. I looked over to where he'd been stood in the doorway, his eyes too discouraged to look at me. Instead they traveled through patterns of the floor as he awaited my answer quietly.

Ally:
"I'm okay. Thanks for running the bath...and for the flowers."

I wrapped my arms around myself with the draft as he entered. It was assumed that he noticed when he closed the door behind him and sat next to me on the floor. I wanted to touch his face and settle whatever mess had been brewing in his mind sense our fight. I realized that I was never really upset with him more than himself...because I knew the difference between my Harry and the alcohol. But candidly, it wasn't him. I was just organizing my own thoughts for awhile so that I'd be free of them when I was with him.

Harry:
"Are you going to leave again...?"

His words caused me pain then. I bunched up, pulling my legs into my chest as I faced him. I wish he would look up and show me the beautiful source of his vision...my reason for staying most times.

Ally:
"If you cheat on me again."

The only thing I liked more than his eyes was his hair, the only more than that were his dimples. He nodded in understanding clearly in a mental scuffle with himself. I hoped those words had reached him well because drunk or not, that was something I didn't like tolerating from him...or myself for that matter. In the past when things like this happened to me with boyfriends I was always likely to do it back. Deceive. Lie. Cheat...It wasn't something I was proud of but I had a un-confessed habit of redeeming myself when the one I trusted inflicted betrayal. Not much to explain there if you'd ever been cheated on.

Harry:
"You know she means nothing, right? You have to know that."

She'd obviously meant enough with the occurrences of before, but I acknowledged his wording.

Harry:
"I mean- I wish I could tell you how little...compared to you. You just won't have to worry about that."

I let it settle because there wasn't much else to say behind it. I had him go for my towel when my skin had started it's process of becoming crinkled beneath the water. I watched as he left, only to return shortly.

He held out his hand, helping me step out onto the rug and into his arms where the towel had been placed. The water could be heard in the background still from the disturbance I'd created. Even with the towel I knew I had been getting him wet from the lengthy moment of impact.

He pulled back after awhile to finally give the attention of his eyes to mine. He rubbed the smooth towel against the water on my skin as he watched me still. There was something about this that was difference from the other times. Still I wasn't sure what it was. He tied the fabric around me, securing it in a wrap as I always did. I felt his hands on the sides of my waist before he leaned into me. God, it was so scary how we could go through such things as before and like a light switch he'd caused me butterflies. I felt them tingling in my stomach as we kissed slowly in the middle of the bathroom. Maybe this was his apology, I don't know...but I accept.
I saddened when he pulled away finally but I guess he had to sometime. I couldn't decode what he was thinking in that moment by simple examining the look on his face.

Ally:
"You okay?"

It was something of surprise without the exciting aspect of it. Or a moment of realization that I hadn't caught on to.

Harry:
"...Yea- umm. I'm just going to go shut off the air...wouldn't want you getting sick."

I'm sure my face expressed the confusion. I mean Harry had his sweet moments but that minor conflict had never seem to be bothersome before. I felt my eyes narrow as he fell over his words before backing out of the bathroom. It wasn't that he was never kind to me, he just was in different ways. He usually wasn't the best at the whole affectionate thing but he'd let me see them every once in awhile. I don't know maybe this was that once. I snapped from that thought and left down the hall toward the room.

It took no time to get on my bra and underwear, but it wasn't until I began applying the lotion that I noticed his severe attention to me.

Ally:
"What?"

His eyelids closed and reopened quickly.

Harry:
"Nothing."

No it was definitely something.

Harry:
"I think, umm- ...I have to tell you something."

Sigh, what now?

Harry:
" But... you can't get mad."

Not exactly the direction I thought this would be headed,

Ally:
"Why would I get mad, what did you do?"

He leaned against the wall, taking a breath as if grateful for the support.

Ally:
"Harry, what this time?"

The longer he took to answer the more frustrated I'd gotten. He tensed a little with my impatience but I just wanted him to spill it already. I slipped on one of his large t-shirts and a pair of shorts to lounge in from the draw. My ears still waited...but nothing.

Ally:
"I won't get mad, okay?"

I was right in front of him now and I'd taken his hand to encourage him.

Harry:
"I know you will."

Ally:
"How are you so sure?"

Harry:
"...you told me- never to say it."

Oh god.

Harry:
"I won't. I mean- if you don't want me to...but -as long as you know."

My body put distance between us. I felt vulnerable all of a sudden. Cold and without company under lack of his touch. I chilled from the air invading in from the window even, though it had been a quite warm day. I didn't know what the hell had been getting into him within the past week or so but he needed to explain it to me.

Ally:
"Say it..."

I dared quietly in disbelief. This couldn't be what I thought this was, granted I'd given him a list of things to never do or speak of.

Ally:
"...the thing I told you not to say."

I'd been invading his personal space again so that there was no way I'd hear him wrong. His eyes fell to the floor with my closeness, like a small boy who had just done something wrong and was now in trouble with his parents.

I lifted his chin silently in preparation for it.

Ally:
"Tell me."

His lips made contact with mine in a way that I hadn't experienced in this relationship. His eyes were opened to me, dark lashes surrounding as he pulled back.

Harry:
"I love you, Allison."

Notes

Enjoyed writing this. Thanks for reading.