Rage

The bed is divided. There are more things being said mentally between us than verbally. Backs are against the headboard as she scrolls around her phone while I finish up my last bit of paperwork. At least she knew the work thing wasn’t a lie I had just made up to avoid her.

Claire:
“So when were you going to tell me?”
The papers are put away and my phone set aside with the opening of the dialogue. The words she’d spoken just a little while ago at her entrance still buzzed around in my head in a maze-like manner.

Ally:
“Tell you what?”
Claire:
“…that you were leaving, Ally.”

The guilt is present there in my chest again but at least having her know already was better than seeing her face when I told her myself.

Claire:
“Lori told me.”

Of course she did.

Claire:
“Why are you leaving?”

Ally:
“I just- need to get away from here.”

Claire:
“To get away from here, or to get away from Harry?”

So she wanted to go there?

Ally:
“Why would you mention him? How does that matter?”

The response is delayed so I assume I’ve said the wrong thing. Didn’t I always,

Claire:
“It doesn’t…You don’t care right?”

I hated the feeling of disappointing her more than anything. It was like I had tainted something so good and pure to me. It was always my fault, no matter what the subject of “it” was. She sets her phone against the nightstand table and pulls at the lamp to switch off the light. Her head lies against the pillows as the room consumes with nothing but shadow. I know I’ve hurt her feelings by not being able to reciprocate the feelings she has towards me. I make sure to set my phone to air plane mode before dimming the light of the lamp closest to me as well. I can almost tell that her tears are staining the pillowcase now silently…dammit.

I touch lightly at her arm when I sense it.

Ally:
“Don’t. Please,”

I encourage her to her back after first unlatching the bra beneath the large t-shirt I’m wearing and throwing it off to the side to lie on the floor. I kiss the back of her hand before lowering myself to rest just between her legs. The kiss is salty and warm from where the tears run between us. My fingers trace beneath the shirt to her soft, hot skin and I just follow my impulses. I kiss at her neck and feel around the lace fabric of her underwear. The house seems to silence accept for the sound of her unsteady breath. I place kisses to her neck in apology and spend the rest of the night showing how sorry I was. Sorry that I was so guarded and ruined for her. Sorry that things were so complicated and that sometimes it was hard to communicate just what I wanted to. There were just some things that couldn’t be fixed or repaired easily. That would be me.

--

Daylight invades the room and she’s buried in my arms comfortably. I’m not sure if she’s awake until she actually speaks to break the morning silence.

Claire:
“Ally?”

I bury my face in her hair to let her know I’d been listening. Her fingers collapse in mine.

Claire:
“You can’t go.”

God, I wish she wouldn’t do this to me. This was a conversation that needed to be had and yet with each time it didn’t get easier to talk about. And I knew she wouldn’t let it go.

Ally:
“Claire I-”

Claire:
“No. I don’t want you to go. If it’s him you’re worried about, I promise I can take your mind off of that.”

And I’m receiving mental imagery of the look on his face when I told him I was leaving. I was beginning to scar easily and I didn’t know what I was to do about it. Things were confusing and hasty. I wasn’t leaving because I wanted to…I was because I needed to. Because there was nothing good going to come out of staying. It was unhealthy for me to feel so split.

Ally:
“…then…”

I contemplate before I finish and cradle into the corner that I’m backed into. All I can conjure is the sight of ran mascara and intense loneliness.

Ally:
“I guess I can…put it off for awhile.”

She rises up once I’ve answered to display those beautiful eyes that I’m so hypnotized by.

Claire:
“You’re serious?”

The boxes in the corner are given a scan before I nod for the final time. I see the marks trailing her neck and smile to myself as my hair is pushed back by her.

Ally:
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings before.”

I sit up as well and the hug is forceful and packaged with her scent.

Claire:
“Don’t you dare change your mind; I’ll handcuff you to this bed.”

Her morning voice is something to experience. I was slowly beginning to realize just how much of a sucker I was for her.

Ally:
“You promise?”

I get the laugh I want from her and feel my goal is accomplished. When she pulls back to stare downward at the duvet, I know the conversation isn’t yet finished.

Claire:
“So…Am I like- your girlfriend?”

I can see the shift where the shyness has overtaken her for the moment. I don’t know why this pleases me so much to see but I keep quiet about it. It seems to have gotten harder for her to do, and already I see what part I’d play if this were a relationship. She obliges and I fiddle my hair to rest over one shoulder.

Ally:
“I have issues…with trust and-“

Claire:
“I know you, Ally.”

Ally:
“And I can be distant if-“

Claire:
“I won’t hurt you.”

Then I find myself looking away and to the open window that shows the makings to a sunny day.

Ally:
“You’ve been my girlfriend for like a week now,”
The second hug is even better. I can’t help but give her everything she wants. She’d get me every time, I knew it already.

Ally:
“My mom’s going to kill me.”

Her nose brushes mine and we share another moment.

Claire:
“Does she know you’re into girls?”

The subject takes me off guard for a second but I adjust quickly.

Ally:
“Uh, yea she does.”

Claire:
“Have you ever brought a girl home?”

This seems to escalate quickly.

Ally:
“I’ve never taken anyone home,”

Claire:
“Harry?”

Ally:
“No, Claire.”

She had to stop mentioning him so casually if she wanted this to work.

Claire:
“…And the bruise on your ribcage…what’s that from?”

I feel suddenly self conscious and cover myself slowly with the bedding.

Claire:
“Ally…”

She moves closer and gently turns my face toward her eye contact. I don’t know if I’m mad or not yet.

Claire:
“I won’t hurt you…talk to me.”

It’s not that I didn’t want to talk. I just didn’t want to talk about him. That part of me that covered for him was still so private and I felt like I’d be betraying him if I obliged to her. There was no loyalty to him anymore so I needed to shake this.

Ally:
“It was an argument.”

Claire:
“With Harry?”

The name again.

Ally:
“Yea, it’s nothing.”

She covers her face partially as if what I’d said had just inflicted pain on her.

Claire:
“Oh god,”

Ally:
“Claire please, it doesn’t hurt. It’s not a big deal.”

Claire:
“That’s how I know you’re in love with him still Ally. Listen to yourself, why are you making excuses. There’s nothing you can say to me to make me okay with him hitting you.”

Ally:
“I’m going out for awhile.”

She reaches for my arm as I head for the bathroom.

Ally:
“I just need some air alright, I’ll be back.”
--
I'm back in the mist of trouble. I couldn't count on my fingers how many times I'd managed to end up here with Taylor when things had gone sour in my life. I feel unusually heavy as I pull myself upward from the couch only to have fog rush toward my head. I was always on this damn couch.

Taylor:
"Finally. Gosh, you've been asleep for hours."

It felt like only minutes to me and still the nap had no effect on the intensity of my state right now.

Taylor:
"I'm getting a beer, you want one?"

I give him a subtle nod as he leaves the common area for the kitchen. My head turns to study the room and I realize he's sitting there beside me. A cigarette rests between his lips as he inhales and blows out before looking in my direction.

Harry:
"Hi,"

I feel a little like I'm dreaming but I don't know if that's because I am or because I had a problem with saying no to the impurities.

Ally:
"Hey,"

I speak reaching for my head as I go through another phase. I just want to sleep again.

Harry:
"You okay?"

He holds my face to study my eyes but I can't keep them open for long enough. Was he here before I’d fallen asleep? That was a scary thought only because I hadn’t remembered him being here. Or what I had said. Or done. His scent is familiar but I could be conjuring this entire thing from a distance memory.

Harry:
"What did you give her?"

I hear them conversing in the background as I lean toward him to rest comfortably in the side of his neck. His voice comforts me in a way that my body is begging me to give in to. Time is going by slowly. I figured if I was dreaming I may as well break all of the rules for old time sake. Taylor's mumbling in and out but I can only here the voice closest to me.

Harry:
"No, she doesn't need the beer. And don't give her that anymore, I'm serious."

There's a temper in his voice but I'm just glad it's not towards me. Arms rub against my back and in my hair as we lie back into the couch and I drift again.


--
I feel a gently shake and I peel myself up from the mattress to see the source of disturbance.

Claire:
"You okay?"

I feel pecks to my cheek and pull myself up and away from her.

I realize I'm in the room of my home now and relax a little mentally.

Ally:
"What's today again?"

She gives a confusing smile while running her fingers through my hair.

Claire:
"It's Friday, Ally. Are you not feeling well?"

I take no time stripping myself from my clothes and entering the warm shower quickly. The door is heard and I sigh with lack of contentment.

Claire:
"I'm sorry about before...I just feel protective of you."

Ally:
"It's okay,"

I don't think I've ever been in a healthy relationship of any kind.


Claire:
"Ally...where'd you go yesterday?"

I had forgotten that now I had her to answer to, and I had to get back into the swing of being okay with that.

Ally:
"I went to Taylor's. He's uh-my best friend."

There's nothing but silence beneath the sound of the shower tapping against the bottom of the tub for awhile.

Claire:
"And you were there all night?"

Here we go.

I get out and grab the towel quickly to conceal myself from the draft.

Ally:
"I came back right? Am I in trouble?"

I ask in a teasing manner when she gets an incoming call.

Claire:
"Oh course not. Listen, I'm going to take this and head out to work with Lori. Pick me up later?"

She's out before I can say much else and I continue to dry my damped head.


--
I get out of the car and scan my tattoos idly before walking toward the café. It’s kind of late and for whatever reason I didn’t want her walking across the parking lot alone. When I’ve reached it, I make the mistake of peering into the window before heading further forward. She's sat in one of the booths with someone that I can't say I'm familiar with. It's a girl whose resemblance I had to admit was quite similar to mine. I don't feel anything about what’s happening until she reaches across for Claire's hand. There's something sickening in my stomach though much hasn't happened to explain itself. Those same fingers go across to reach for her face. They're talking about something that seems to bother her or cause confused emotion. I'm getting the hint that whatever it is that's being discussed isn't entirely innocent the way I'd been hoping this whole time. I look away when there's longevity in a subtle peck to the lips shared between them. I walk back in the direction of my car as I always seem to do these days. The wind has seemingly grown chillier. Why was I so naive?

She enters the car with a different air about her personality. I don’t look over but become statue-like when she reaches over to place a peck to my cheek.
Claire:
“Sorry, were you waiting long?”

I stare straight ahead then pull the car into reverse quickly to pull from the park.
Ally:
“You’re going home right?”

I needed a fucking drink. I knew that I should probably continue with Dr. Horan soon because I was beginning to self medicate. And I knew it was bad.

Claire:
“That depends, are you spending the night?”

Ally:
“I actually have to be somewhere,”

Claire:
“I kind of wanted us to talk, Ally.”

Ally:
“Are you going home or back to be with Lori?”

I stop the car before I make the turn for a different route.

Claire:
“…uh, Lori. Is everything alright? Did something happen?”

Ally:
“I don’t know, did it?”
I figure she puts it all together when she mutes herself for a moment. I’m in front of the house in no time at all and now I’m just counting the seconds till she exits. Her hand reaches for mine but I move it quickly.
Claire:
“That’s what I wanted to talk about.”

Ally:
“About cheating on me? That was quick.”

Claire:
“Don’t say that. That’s not what happened, Ally. She’s my-“
I hated the pause because anything reckless could potentially come after it.

Claire:
“She’s my ex. I didn’t know she would come by.”

Ally:
“I’m not pissed that she came by, you were kissing her.”
Claire:
“No, Allison. I told her off. She wants to work on things, but I told her off. And she just asked for a goodbye. You weren’t supposed to see that, but I swear I was going to tell you.”
It was like I heard it but I didn’t. A part of me always felt like she was so innocent but I had to rid myself of that thought.
Ally:
“So it’s okay if I do that with Harry?”

I test with a little bit of an attitude.

Claire:
“I don’t love her like you love Harry.”

The words are spoken slowly but they still catch me completely off guard. It wasn’t fair to hear that from her. She was turning this completely around and I refused to be sucked in by it right now.

Claire:
“Go out. Get some air and when you cool off come back tonight, alright? We’re not going to start off this relationship arguing. You know I don’t want her…I’ve made it clear what I want, and I want it.”

She touches my hair affectionately and urges me to kiss her. I don’t take the cue.

Claire:
“Come on, Ally. I love you, don’t do that.”

I look down to my lap as the words unthaw me from the inside. She tucks the hair behind my ear and waits patiently in the mute. I lean over to give her what she wants and ponder how she always treated me like I was her favorite person… I still held question at times.

Claire:
“You’re so hot. When did you get this?”

She motions to the tragus piercing I had gotten one night with Harry at the tattoo parlor. I’ve never even thought about tattoos or piercings until him because of my business occupation. I was always smart in getting them so they covered easily.

Ally:
“It’s been awhile.”

Claire:
“…I’m going to wait for you. I think I’ll tell Lori tonight, so she’ll hate me by the time you get back.”

I nod and she exits with her bag. I wait for her to reach the house before placing my seatbelt back on and pulling out of the driveway...

Notes