Rage

I find myself staring blankly into the dark area of the room. I'm alone... but my thoughts serve as intense company. I focus rather on how the fabric of the bedding feels against my freshly showered skin and attempt finding comfort for awhile. It doesn't work of course and I'm left sitting up and reaching for my phone for something to pass the time. My fingers swipe over toward where she's texted me a few times today alone without my cooperation. It's been over a month now and I was down to about a week till I was finished up here and ready to see my family again. But I've been dreading the thought of even leaving my room lately. I want to be close to her the way that she wants but there’s no way I could do that and just abandon her here. The idea intimidates me.

Ally:
Hey

I finally get the courage to form a reply and just sit there like a lunatic awaiting the glowing light.

Claire:
Hi, Ally. I was starting to give up...

I smile at the voice I can hear in my head of her while reading along. It was probably best to just keep ignoring her after before only because I had enough people to say goodbye to. And so far Lori would be the easiest.

Claire:
Can't sleep?

I sigh, glancing over at the clock. It was a Friday night and I was supposed to catch up on all the sleep I'd been missing during the week but of course it would never happen like that.

Ally:
Not really, no. I didn't expect you to be up.

It feels nice to actually communicate with someone outside of my sister. I had admittedly become a little socially strained since putting space between I and Harry. My habits were terrible and usually unhealthy, but I guest a little silence was better than meeting up with Taylor every day.

Claire:
You want to talk? I'll come over if you want.

She was always really eager to see me...which only made me feel worse about blowing her off all of the time. I knew as I made my reply that this was likely a bad idea.

Ally:
Or I can come there?

I wonder what color she had on her nails tonight as I listen to Lori and her boyfriend up arguing for the third time today. I was really in no position to judge but at least when Harry and I fought it wasn't at her misfortune.

Claire:
Okay...I just don't want you changing your mind on the way over, okay?

It was official. I had way too many partners in this year alone so maybe I’d focus on myself for once when I moved back. I guess I’d soon test that out.

--

It isn't until I receive her that I realize how much I needed a hug these days.

Claire:
"I'm really pissed at you."

Ally:
"I'm sorry."

But I seem to be a little distracted by her pleasant aroma and the fact that there weren’t many times that I’d seen her with her hair down and full around her. The door is closed and she intertwines our fingers to better lead me up and to her bedroom. The house is dark but somewhat familiar. My jacket is taken and I'm overcome with the feeling that she wants to talk. I didn't mind it I guess but lately I was no good at it. She reaches into the first draw of the dresser and pulls an undershirt and shorts that resembles her own.

Claire:
"Let’s talk, yea?"

She watches me as if afraid I'd turn to leave if she chooses her words incorrectly. I try not to feel too offended because I've more than given her reason to think a lot of me. I slowly pull off my shirt and remove the jeans I'd slipped on quickly before heading over here. There's something about her personality that enables me to feel completely comfortable in my skin. Likely another reason I always had such a crush on her. She makes it no secret she’d prefer me without the clothing on by the look I’m given. I smile to myself while taking my time to put it on.

Claire:
“I should apologize about what I said before…”

I wonder briefly if she’d gotten an earful from Lori, but then again none of it really mattered anymore.

Ally:
“There’s no need. You were right.”

I feel whatever confidence I had draining away and I take a place on the bed to fill the silence after. Before I’m ready, she nears quite quickly. My hands are reached for and our faces are placed closely to one another.

Claire:
“I missed you. Are you done with him?”

I tended to hate how much he was being brought up in my life after him but figured it was something left better out of the way. I don’t reply but rather just nod up at her as she hovers above me and my bare legs on the bed. Her hands are to either side of my face now and though I feel it’s too soon for me to feel affection, I don’t regret it. Her lips are soft and really good at it. Our noses brush as her head turns slightly. I allow her to medicate me…The feeling of her hair against my face melts the volume of my thoughts for awhile. I don’t want her to stop but I know we will eventually. I’m sure that she’ll waste no time getting me over him…she never liked me in that relationship to begin with. When she pulls away the eye contact is intense and regret fills me for ignoring her for so long. I guess it was just me feeling a little insecure about how messy of a life I was leading a short time ago. It was better she didn’t know…I wish it were something I didn’t.

Claire:
“I won’t ask about any of it, okay? That’s something you’ll have to decide to tell me when you’re ready. But it’s obviously made you different. Something’s different…”

I didn’t understand what she meant exactly and a part of me wants to ask. The other half, well…the other half already knew. It had taken me awhile to feel anything but I was certain that here was where I wanted to be…with her. No drugs. No alcohol. No rebounds. Something told me that being with her would make me a better version of myself. And for now, I’d allow for that.
--

Another week and I had found myself spending a significant amount of time with her in it. It was hard to describe really. Sort of like having that best friend that you can tell anything to and just be yourself around. Girls were different. And sometimes that was for the worst, but she was amazing to me. She was always amazing to me.

Claire:
“Which flavor?”

I look up after digging around annoyingly in my bag for my wallet. It’s found and I scan the menu above us.

Ally:
“Anything you want.”

I’m made aware that as she speaks to him about the specifics his attention lingers elsewhere. I avoid his eye contact and just wait for her to finish, hoping that she doesn’t notice it.

Claire:
“I said the strawberry.”

I pay quickly and give her a smile, but I feel her mood shifting because of it.

Ally:
“Thanks,”

She grabs the cup of ice cream and I reach for the change with haste.

Ally:
“Come on.”

And we walk away a few steps in the other direction.

Claire:
“Wait. Let me see that,”

I open my hands to show her the change and she slips the receipt from between the bills. My eyes close when I see he’s scribbled his number on the back of it and I just wait for it. She looks back to where he is to see we still hold his attention. My hands are taken before she plants a slow and lingering kiss to my lips, and I can almost feel his reaction though I don’t look back in fear of further pissing her off. The receipts thrown in the garbage along with the ice cream and she leads us quickly back toward the car.

Claire:
“I’ll pay you for the ice cream.”

She says as I pull the car into drive.

Ally:
“It’s okay.”

I remember distinctly that we had met a similar way but refrain from bringing it up. I would have never called him but I didn’t think that was her reason for being so pissed.

Ally:
“You okay? You want to talk about it?”

I say in the mist of the quiet ride but she dismissing it quickly.

Claire:
“I’m fine, can we go to the café?”

My first thought is no because it’s such a common place and I wouldn’t want to run into anyone unfavorable.

Ally:
“Sure,”

I answer instead because hopefully I was just being paranoid, and I would rather keep her happy.

--

Claire:
“It’s just-“

We share a bowl of strawberry ice cream across from one another in the booth.

Claire:
“You may not have noticed before, but that’s not the first time that’s happened.”

Ally:
“What? With me?”

Claire:
“You didn’t notice earlier at the mall? That guy was totally hitting on you at that place you love.”

Ally:
“No Claire, I don’t really go looking for the attention. I don’t care about that.”

It was nice having her here seated with me for once rather than being the waitress. Although I did enjoy it either way.

Ally:
“Don’t get so angry, okay? I see them looking at you too… You’re flattering, I get it.”

She smiles and I know I’ve cured the bitter mood. Our spoons dip around together in the bowl and I just enjoy her company.

Claire:
“Thanks…I’ll try to see it that way, but I can’t help the-”

My eyes look up from the bowl when the last of her statement is sort of mumbled out.

Ally:
“Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Her eyes are fixed on something behind me but I don’t look in fear that my day has just been ruined.

Claire:
“Oh, it was nothing.”

When she heads back for the ice cream nervously I find myself looking curiously over to where she had a second ago. Immediately I begin the silent cursing.

Claire:
“Oh hey,”

Lori:
“Hi.”

She scoots in beside her and I give the most authentic smile I can give at the moment.

Lori:
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming here? I asked you earlier.”

Claire:
“I completely forgot, sorry. We were just passing through.”

I can feel that something’s changed already.

Lori:
“How did you manage to get Ally out? She won’t go anywhere with me, I didn’t know you were friends.”

I feel this going entirely downhill now so I fall completely silent as I watch them.

Lori:
“You too are sharing?”

Claire:
“Oh. Uh- yea, it was a large serving so…”

Though our hands didn’t touch before, still I notice that she becomes really distant with Lori’s presence.

Lori:
“Do you mind?”

And I refrain from eating when she starts with Claire’s spoon. They’re catching up on something involving their other friends and at some point I feel like the third wheel.

I grab my phone and leave my portion of the bill on the table.

Claire:
“Are you going?”

Lori:
“Stay and hang out with us. Claire, we have to show her that store we love.”

Ally:
“Actually, I think I’m just going to head home. I have some work stuff.”

Claire:
“Are you sure, we just got here.”

I don’t give eye contact or say anything else, but rather just head promptly for the exit and out to my car. Maybe it was just better not to complicate things anyway when I was so close to heading away soon.

Claire:
“Ally,”

When I hear her voice I just pull off. It was stupid to get involved with her in the first place, I guess. Unrealistic even. I was too fresh out of one situation to throw myself in another where I’d have to lie about being with the person I cared for. If it wasn’t one thing it was another I suppose. Silly me for thinking finally I could be a part of something that wasn’t toxic to my emotional state…silly me.

--

I lie on my bed stomach down and go over the accounts again for work. It’s so involved that it’ll literally take my mind off of anything. And that was why this was perfect for me. I hear a knock on the door that frightens me a little more than it would have if I were just watching TV. I’m grateful to myself for putting the lock on before lying down so that’s one less thing to worry about.

Ally:
“I’m finishing up some work Lori, I can’t talk now.”

When she doesn’t reply immediately in her usually way I bring my eyes up from the spreadsheet.

Claire:
“It’s me. Will you open it…please?”

Ally:
“I can’t right now. I’m really busy with this.”

I flip the page in an attempt to get myself lost again in what I was doing.

Claire:
“Too busy for me, Ally?”

I bury my face in the mattress in a deep sigh before getting up to answer the door. She’s stood there on the other side of it with sympathy in her eyes but I couldn’t imagine why.

Ally:
“No, I just really need to finish this now.”

Claire:
“…don’t do that. Don’t do that to me, Allison. I’m sorry about today. I just didn’t know how I should act when I know she doesn’t want me with you.”

Ally:
“It’s fine, I don’t care.”

She wipes her eyes of the falling tears and I feel overcome with guilt about something I did no wrong in.

Claire:
“You don’t care?”

Ally:
“Don’t cry alright. I just meant that it doesn’t matter. I’m not upset with you.”

Claire:
“You obviously are. I called a million times.”

Ally:
“I’m upset with myself. I shouldn’t have done this with you. I know you’re her best friend, I’m way out of line.”

Claire:
“Too late.”

I tuck the hair behind my ear and fiddle with the pen between my thumb and index.

Ally:
“No it isn’t. She doesn’t hate you yet.”

Claire:
“No, Ally. It’s too late. Because I love you.”

Holy shit. My eyes widen with this blind spot I was obviously completely oblivious to. Wait. That couldn’t be right. Maybe she was just confused. Why would she tell me this? She had to know that I was entirely incapable of doing this with anyone right now. It was just too soon. Dammit, I adored her to pieces. But love? I had to have known Harry about twenty times longer than I had her and still it had taken me forever to say that to him. I just wasn’t that girl. I was broken. And I was certain that this was no secret to anyone I came in contact with.

Claire:
“I know you can’t say it back. I just don’t want you cutting me off now when I’ve become so attached to you. I’ll tell her everything if you want.”

I find myself indulging her in the biggest hug I could give with my small arms. She continues to cry and I feel like shit at the fact that I still hadn’t told her about going away. This wouldn’t even count as our first argument and yet she was balling like a baby in front of me. I had been with a few girls before, but was this what it was like to date one? Jesus.

Ally:
“I don’t mind if you come in okay. Just don’t cry, it kills me.”

I peck her cheeks where the tears lie and just hope that I know what I’m doing. Yea, probably not.

And after the thought my phone begins the buzzing and I assume it’s my boss calling about the details for what I’d been working on. My hands grip the area between my eyes just above the bridge of my nose when I see who it really is...Harry. Just great. Life was the best with timing...

Notes