Rage

Somehow I break away from an unconscious sleep to an empty bed. I hold my head and look about the room until I’m leveled enough to get up. Upon passing the mirror I quickly look down to where my arms are covered in scattered dark-purple bruising from where his fingers had seeped. I sigh before grabbing one of his long sleeved shirts and pulling it over my head to avoid any conversation on the topic. I’m in the hallway, heading toward the direction I hear the noise renouncing from. I stand there in the large doorway quietly as I watch him in an imperative moment. There’s a variety of bottles across the counter that he’d likely had stashed all about the place. The caps are being unscrewed and the contents poured down the drain of the sink. I can tell it’s doing something to his mind by the way his demeanor darkens the room. I just remain quiet as he battles internally until eventually he turns to acknowledge my presence. My heart feels proud of him, but I can almost feel his hangover myself…and this didn’t change what happened.

Harry:
“That’s all of them…”

I can tell he’s ashamed of his habit. I guess it was a beautiful start to kicking it all together.

Ally:
“Have a seat.”

I feel like his mother or something saying it but there were things that needed to be addressed now that he was coherent enough to fully understand. He listens immediately and I follow to sit right across from him at the bar-styled countertop. I organize my thoughts until I’m ready to say what’s needed.

Ally:
“That wasn’t okay,”

He doesn’t look me in the eyes but I understand why. Without going into detail it’s crystal clear what I mean by that so he doesn’t bother to ask.

Ally:
“You do understand that?”

He nods slowly and when his arms extend to reach for me I move my fingers away quickly.

Ally:
“I can’t believe you did that to him, Harry. It wasn’t his fault. You have to realize that I was sleeping with him because I wanted to. So maybe you should have taken that anger out on me.”

In that moment I become the object of his attention rather than the patterning of the counter.

Ally:
“I’m going away.”

The crease settles between his eyebrows and I continue before an argument is able to begin.

Ally:
“-to stay with my parents…for good, Harry. I decided it yesterday… I have to get away from you.”

Harry:
“You don’t have to do that, I-“

Nothing he says will fix me. I feel myself getting angry already but resist the urge to leave in order to avoid the loose ends.

Ally:
“I don’t think you understand just how much you’ve been controlling me. No matter what happens between us I can’t seem to stay the hell away from you Harry, do you get that? I can’t keep going through this with you. I love you, but I’m realizing that’s the problem.”

It feels amazing to just talk without his interjection. I guess this was just another thing that Dr.Horan was right about.

Ally:
“I always will, but we can’t be together anymore. I’m sorry, but I’m always sad and-I know it’s partially my fault. I thought that if I could get you away from the alcohol, we’d be okay…but you just keep drinking despite what I say. And you get so angry...”

I don’t know who my rambling is hurting more but I won’t stop until my head is clear of him.

Ally:
“-If my mother knew about this…she’d never forgive me for staying. She wanted to meet you this weekend but I don’t see that ever happening now…I didn’t even know how to tell her about what’s been going on in my life lately… I can’t come back, I’m sorry. I won’t.”

He’s been solid and seemingly indifferent, like staring through glass. I wait for him but he doesn’t speak a word of whatever he’s thinking.

Ally:
“I have things that are still here but-you can just through them away, okay?”

I lower my tone to something I can think above and when I feel it’s nothing left to be said I go to leave him there alone and head for my keys in the bedroom. I’m into my shoes realizing that though I’m done, I don’t yet feel a weight being lifted. I should feel unattached and happy but I inside I just feel guilt for doing this to him. My heart aches as I pass him again to leave, but when I look back the pain consumes me heavily. Dammit, I shouldn’t have looked back. His eyes are fixed ahead as if seeing something in the distance. The tears pour at a constant though his expression doesn’t shift. There was only one other time that I had ever saw him cry so this crushed me harshly from the inside out. My hand is on the door but I can’t seem to turn away from him. FUCK, FUCK, fuck. I think over and over in my head the things we’ve been through up until this point, and this moment of departing him indefinitely hurt ten times worst than any blow I’d taken from him. He continues without a word and I find myself releasing the bag to the floor and walking over to hold him quickly. His arms don’t immediately receive it but the breakdown occurs in full effect now. I allow him to vent out his emotions and fully take it in because this was something he’d never allow me to see.

Ally:
“It’s okay..”

That’s when I feel his arms around me. I know he’s broken but honestly he needed to be. He needed to hit rock bottom. I lean downward to kiss him overpoweringly and distract him away from what now taints his mind. In slowly being restored to something that had brought me back from the pain of touching that doorknob. When I’m done I just linger there with my eyes closed and our noses pressed. I feel the tears that are damp on his face and I knew that I would never feel this way while sharing a kiss with anyone ever again in my life. Even if I led a happy one after him with a huge house, a husband and three children… I knew it’d always be him. And God, that was scary. I speak my next words rather hesitantly.

Ally:
“…this is the last time.”

I say to fill the whole that craters my chest. I feel so entitled to taking care of him sometimes that it overshadowed my better judgment. He looks upward from his seat at my words as if daring to have heard me incorrectly. His lashes appear thicker when wet and I take note that they may have been my first time noticing that. More hesitancy follows.
Ally:
“The alcohol is done. I swear to God, Harry if you touch another bottle…if I even suspect that you’re drinking again-“

Harry:
“It’s done.”

He doesn’t let go but I didn’t expect him to after what I’d just done. I pray silently that he takes this wholeheartedly because though I don’t want to abandon him like that…I will if I have to. He mutters it softly and thoughtfully this time.

Harry:
“…it’s done.”
--

Ally:
“I got you some coffee, and I finished everything up for this week.”

I sit the cup on the desk of his home office and slid the files across to him. He gets up for the usually hug and peck to my lips but I dodge both rather skillfully. There’s a questioning expression that’s attached to him now because of it.

Ally:
“I’m sorry about the other day, but I just wanted to give you a heads up that I’ll be leaving the office after this week.”

He draws closer but I step back in impulse.
Ally:
“I just would rather tell you in person than leave a note, or send an email.”

Allen:
“What’s going on, Allison? Where is this coming from?”

I avoid his eyes so I don’t feel the guilt cloud that I’m so use to accompanying me.

Ally:
“I’m sorry, okay? …I’m going now.”

Allen:
“No. Just tell me what happened. Just talk to me, you can tell me anything.”

He rubs my cheek but I forbid it immediately by stepping away again.

Allen:
“Okay. I won’t touch you, I’m sorry.”

He withdraws and sits himself on the end of the desk, seemingly waiting for me to start. I’m still not sure if I want to.

Ally:
“…why didn’t you tell me it was him?”

I take note of the pause because I hated being lied to.

Allen:
“I didn’t want you to worry about it. It’s normal, he’s obviously still into you. And we’d both been drinking a bit.”

In a way I’d rather not even here the details.

Allen:
“You’re not exactly a person one can just get over, so I understood. Is this why you’re leaving?”

Ally:
“No,”

Allen:
“I thought you were done with him.”

When I stay silent for awhile he somehow manages to get close enough to remove my jacket before I’m able to object.

Allen:
“Just relax and I’ll listen, okay?”
If he weren’t so nice maybe this would be easier but for now I’d play along by allowing him to take it and hang it up there on the rack. I go to push my hair backward behind my ears and he stops me to hold my wrists in his hold for an obvious inspection. I try to pull away when I realize what he’s doing but the damage is done.

Allen:
“Who..-?“
He pulls the sleeve further up to lead to the continuing trail of fingerprints on my skin until he nearly reaches my shoulder.

Allen:
“Did he do this to you?”

Ally:
“Don’t Allen, it’s nothing.”
I pull away successful and snatch the sleeve back down and over my hands.

Allen:
“Does he …does he hurt you still?”

I hold the space between my eyes when he doesn’t just let it go.

Allen:
“Answer me Ally, is he abusing you again?”

Ally:
“No-“
Another sigh and I already know he’s preparing me for another lecture.

Allen:
“I won’t comment okay? You’re a smart girl and I don’t need to tell you things you know for yourself, but I’m going to ask you something.”

I was never really good at answering questions even those that I knew the answers to.

Allen:
“Scared…do I make you feel that way?”

I look away to deflect the mental images I was given with the prompt. Maybe before it was debatable but since I’d become willing and a little more understanding of him he’d been wonderful to me. Still, I didn’t see how that changed anything.

Ally:
“No Allen, but-“

Allen:
“But what? It should be that simple Allison, why would you want to be with someone that would even think about doing that you? “
I feel weird even discussing this with him.

Allen:
“You’re such a sweet person. I can’t even imagine him putting his hands o-.”

Ally:
“I get that you don’t want me to leave, so I should tell you that talking about him is the quickest way to get me to do that.”

He nods but somehow I don’t feel reassured that he’ll drop it completely.

Allen:
“You don’t have to quit, alright. I’ll assign you to a different department if getting away from me is what you want.”

I’m a little taken off guard in why he’d do that for me.
Ally:
“You’d still be my boss,”

Allen:
“You would see me once a month, tops.”

I’m denying him but still he seems to only care about helping me even if it means getting rid of him for Harry. I didn’t understand but I had a feeling that I would soon.

Allen:
“Okay?”

I twirl my thumbs in thought before I’m able to nod in his direction.

Allen:
“Then it’s done. Thanks for the work, you’re free to go.”

I feel I at least owe him a hug but decide quickly against it. I just take the cue and reach for my jacket when he draws his attention back to the computer screen.

Allen:
“I’m always here okay? If you need anything at all, don’t hesitate.”

Ally:
“Thank you,”

Another nod and I’m gone from the house. Hopefully I wouldn’t be needing that.

Notes

I am so looking forward to your comments.
Thanks for readinggggg