Rage

I go to knock on the door but bring my fingers hesitantly to the knob when I see it’s slightly cracked. There’s mental nail-biting overrunning my brain as I clutch my bag a little closer and proceed in. I hated myself for even being here right now.

Ally:
“Harry?”

I call when I realize things are a little too quiet for me. I close the door and look about to where some of his things are placed in boxes and labeled with black marker. Momentarily I wonder whether or not she’s here with him and it bugs me with every step. I move up the pace when he doesn’t answer and head for the living room first.

Ally:
“Harr-“

I lose air in midsentence and let my bag slip from my fingers slowly to there beside me on the floor. It didn’t matter how many times we went through this, I couldn’t help that my reaction was always the same. I run over to where he’s lying on his stomach against the floor with the bottle clutched tightly. I feel myself panicking because I knew how excessive he could be with it, especially when things were bothering him. I rub his back and pry the bottle away, half-hoping that he’d give a response by stopping me.

Ally:
“Just show me that you’re okay.”

I say in his ear while rubbing my fingers through his dark head of hair the way I know soothes him. I feel overcome with worry about the size of the hangover he was going to have. I don’t know why I felt anything for him still when I wasn’t entitled to it anymore. My body dials back on the nervousness when his long eyelashes part to show me his tired green eyes.

Harry:
“Ally?”

He mumbles before shutting them again but I reject that.

Ally:
“No, come on. Let’s go to your bed.”

I pull him and it’s like lugging a sack of bricks with his incoherence. A smile is given and I warm at the sight of it…secretly I take note that he’s still so beautiful.

Harry:
“You promise?”

I was supposed to be angry but I wasn’t sure how I’d pull that off with him like this. He’s slurs playfully when I finally get him up right and lug his arm around my shoulders. This would be the longest walk ever.

Ally:
“Seriously, Harry. Try to walk, come on.”

I hold him successfully and we slowly make our way down the hall and to his room. There’s more boxes around us now and I can’t help but constantly wonder what’s going on.

Ally:
“Why the boxes?”

He falls onto the bed and I try removing his jacket. The alcohol scent is something I’m use to with him but seriously he’d gone well overboard this time.

Ally:
“Harry,”

I call again but he’s in and out of reality. The jacket’s finally pulled off and I managed to get him onto the pillows. I wait there for awhile as he refuses to release my fingers from his. I want to drill him about everything on my mind but realize it’d be the equivalent of talking to the white wall just there behind us. After awhile he appears to be asleep and I try again with prying my fingers away. I fright when he wakes.

Harry:
“No, where- where are you going?”

He pulls me further in and I’m silently impressed at how strong he is still while under the influence.

Ally:
“I have something, um- I have to go-“

Harry:
“No, Ally. Stay with me.”

There was a part of me that still held myself responsible for every drink he took with us being apart. I couldn’t wait until the day that I was through being guilty.

Ally:
“I can’t.”

Harry:
“Please-I’ll... I’ll behave. Don’t leave me.”

He’s consumed with fatigue but still manages to keep me locked in his hold. I feel guilty somehow and find myself sitting hesitantly there on the bed beside him.

Harry:
“It wasn’t here…”

My eyebrows crease as you may have guessed.

Ally:
“What wasn’t here?”

Harry:
“Where I was with her, it- um…wasn’t here it was on the couch, I threw it out.”

I feel gross with the thought and go to look away. I don’t snap with something back because I know he’s just belligerent from the boos. I’m happy when the topic turns.

Harry:
“I’m sorry for drinking again. I just can’t,”

I watch him again as he organizes his thoughts for me into coherent sentences. It’s not bad actually,

Harry:
“-get through a day sober anymore, I’m sorry Allison.”

There was something about the way my name left his tongue that seemed to get me every time. It was something I actively never told him in fear he’d always use it against me.

Ally:
“I want you to stop this…I’m afraid that one day- you’ll drink yourself to death, Harry.”

I mutter softly as I learn this new information for myself once it’s said aloud.

Harry:
“Anything’s better than-“

I’m pulled to rest on his chest and now I’m lying against him horizontally. This feels so much like déjà vu and though I get the impulse I don’t stop him from what he’s doing.

Harry:
“I need you.”

It seemed like forever ago that we were this close emotionally. My heart flutters to the beat of his and my eyes water a bit from his drunk rambling.

Harry:
“-don’t leave anymore. Don’t leave, I hate it.”

Ally:
“For now,”

It’s all I can promise until I can organize what’s going on up there in this messy head of mine.

Harry:
“And stop with the drugs-I know you just do that…to cope. But I need you to stop, it scares me.”

My mind shifts to the left lane…I knew that we both had a bit of a problem. And mine was arguably worst than his, but I knew more than anything that when I did them I was fully aware of the reasons why. I took them with clear eyes and a confused head but I knew better. I just pretended not to.

Ally:
“Me too,”

He holds me closer as if I’d try to slip away but I didn’t see how it was possible with his death grip.

Harry:
“I’ve been going to him- to Niall…you know I’ve never liked that but-I knew that even though you were mad, you would want me to.”

Shit. I was honestly breaking for him. This entire scene was sending me into a snowball effect and I find myself pulling away harshly when his hold mellows.

Ally:
“I can’t do this with you Harry, I just can’t. I’m sorry.”

But apparently I didn’t move fast enough because I’m stuck again. He moves sluggishly upright to hold my waist and look up at me from my stomach.

Harry:
“Come here,”

I know he means to his lips but I know if I do that I’m back in the core of his spell. His hands wonder and he urges me to them. Though he’s drunk it’s still an intimate thing. I couldn’t count how many times we went through this little scene after he’d gotten pissed and fought with me over something meaningless. Why was I here? I didn’t know anymore…I thought it was to tell him off, because I know he’d done those things to Allen. I had to be blind not to read it immediately but there was something about this asshole that made everything else seem so trivial when I was with him. He doesn’t allow me to stop until he’s convinced that I won’t leave when he turns me lose. My lips are caught in his teeth and he encourages me over his lap.

Ally:
“Forget it,”

Harry:
“I wasn’t even thinking that, just sit with me.”

I lose myself away from his eyes and get enough will to ask what I already know the answer to.

Ally:
“Were you in a fight with him?”

He looks away at first, but then I realize it’s to hide his smile.

Ally:
“Harry,”

I push at him in little disbelief.

Harry:
“Listen, I don’t even know why you’re mad at that. You can’t just tell me you’re sleeping with him and think that I’m not going to react.”

Ally:
“I never told you th-“

Harry:
“You were so high, Ally. You were telling me everything when I drove you to your house.”

I hold my tongue for a minute while I try piecing together the jagged puzzles that I couldn’t seem to remember.

Harry:
“I kicked his ass all across that parking lot-and I’d do it again. Don’t tempt me,”

I fall silent as his words echo in my head before evaporating into the air behind me. He had never hurt me that badly but more so emotionally than anything else, in my eyes.

Harry:
“Don’t even think it, I’m passed that.”

My stomachs a pillow he cuddles close and I just allow him.

Harry:
“Now take off your shoes and rest with me.”

I do as he asks like a puppet on his little strings and climb next to him on the bed. He buries himself in my neck and I can feel the lashes fall shut against the skin there.

Harry:
“I want you to be here when I wake, love. Can you do that for me?”

He pecks there before lying back down and slowly rubbing his thumb to the back side of my hand.

Ally:
“I will.”

Notes

Hope she doesn't leave anyway...

Btw, how do you guys feel about the news going on with them lately? Bummer, right.