Rage

My mind is repeating itself while I wait in the copy room for the machine to finish. I stand there against the wall with the hum of it in the background until I realize he’s there in the doorway. I jump, holding my chest to suppress my sudden state of fright. He smiles amusingly, checking the hallway before stepping in and closing the door quickly.

Allen:
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you love. I’ve missed you though, where have you been all day, huh?”

I wasn’t sure if one could ever get use to this. The sneaking around and excessive level of attention from an authority figure was definitely an adjustment for me.

Ally:
“Up to my neck in work since about 8 this morning. By the way, you know they’ll still try to get in here?”

I feel his long lashes on my cheeks as we kiss there against the bulletins for this week. I wonder if he’s listened to a word I’ve just said or just pretends to.

Allen:
“I flipped the ‘out of order’ sign.”

My arms go to rest around his neck when he presses me harder against it and takes an intimate bite at my bottom lip.

Allen:
“If you’re tired, you know you can just take some time off again. It’ll be on me.”

Ally:
“No, it’s alright. Really,”

Allen:
“Can we do dinner later? There’s this restaurant I really want you to try-“

He kisses over the marks against my neck that are still a little sore from the harsh contact with his teeth the other night.

Ally:
“That’s sweet, Allen. And I totally would, but I promised a friend I’d meet him later.”

He pulls back on the last of it.

Allen:
“Him? I hope you don’t mean-“

Ally:
“I don’t.”
The thought bothers me enough for me to pull away and grab the papers from the copier. I think to myself how I love the way they’re always warm and fresh to the touch as I reach for the door. His arm goes to block it.

Allen:
“I know…I shouldn’t have went there,”

Ally:
“It’s not that…it’s just that if I don’t get back to this now I’ll be all day.”

He goes to brush my cheek, pulling the stack of papers from my hold.

Allen:
“I’ll finish them. Just do what I’ve placed on your desk and you’re free to go, love.”

Ally:
“Sir -you don’t have to-“

Allen:
“Hey,”
And I’m lifted onto the printer where my co-workers’ work is being sent. I’m definitely the recessive one between us given I usually can barely get a word in edgewise. Now that I think about it, all of my relationships were usually that way.

Allen:
“I thought we were past that…especially after-“

It had just occurred to me that I had called him that again. Not sure if it were more of my fault or not, being that before it was an automatic thing.

Ally:
“I’m just still adjusting.”

He pulls out his phone when the notifications come in one after another.

Allen:
“Great. I have a meeting in like five,”

After awhile I’m let down and allowed to leave.

Allen:
“I should get to that. Now go… And answer when I call you tonight.”

His mouth makes contact with the back of my hand and I go to fix my clothes and hair before opening the door to leave first. He knows to wait awhile before departing after me.
--
Allen:
“Why don’t you want to talk about it?”

I’m faced the opposite way of him toward the glowing light that’s constant beneath the door of the bathroom. His fingers trail my back thoughtfully while I lay there completely bare beneath the bed’s covering and just give thought to my life.

Ally:
“My ex?”

Allen:
“So he’s your ex now?”

I take a deep breath, realizing that the wound was a little too fresh to talk about with him of all people. But maybe if I answered him this once, it’d be the last time he acquired about it.

Allen:
“Talk to me…”

There’s a clock somewhere present in the room that distracts me just enough from his voice. The tick of it paces my thoughts until I feel I’m ready to speak. He’s actually quite patient as I lie there in a mental battle with myself.

Allen:
“Was it a bad argument or..?”

Ally:
“He hooked up with this hot blonde.”
I manage to keep my voice steady under the darkness of the room. I feel him shift closer toward me and suddenly gentle hands rub sensitively through my hair to console.

Allen:
“Aw, Ally…I’m so sorry.”

I can tell now that he’s wishing that he hadn’t pushed me on the matter, but at least he knew not to ask about it again. I go to sit up when it weighs heavier on my mind than I had originally anticipated.
Ally:
“No big deal…”

I figured if I repeated that enough that maybe I would get the hang of it myself.

Ally:

“you mind if I have a drink?”

The sheets are held to my chest and immediately he moves to accommodate. I’m given a shirt to place over my body and he interlinks our fingers to lead me in the dimness. I tip toe after him until I’m picked up by the waist and sat in a kitchen chair. He does that a lot…There’s a glass taken from the china and a tall bottle from the frig that before I would have been intimidated by. It’s already open so he just unscrews the cap and pours a decent amount for me. I sip generously while under his watch. He doesn’t take a drink himself but rather offers apologetic eyes for bringing this on. I feel his hands rub in a back and forth motion against my legs silently. I guess he wasn’t as horrible of a guy as I thought.

Allen:
“I would never…”

When I down the rest I’m pleased to see that he adds a little more for the trouble. That’s finished quickly as well and he pulls the glass from my grip and wipes the corners of my mouth for spillage. I go to kiss him forcefully and he more than reciprocates the favor.

Allen:
“Again?”

He asks humorously in reference to my hungry behavior.

Ally:
“Please,”

He urges for me to wrap my legs around his waist and carries me back to the room while I cling closely.

Allen:
“We’ll do whatever you want,”

--
Ally:
“Is this a joke?”

I address to Taylor through the foggy glass called my eyes and over the rowdiness of his place.

Taylor:
“Relax, you’re next again.”

Ally:
“Not that Taylor, what’s he doing here?”

Great. Now this would be another place that I’d be avoiding after today. Taylor watches where my eyes are to Harry walking in the doorway and greeting his mates on the way over. I pull myself closer to Taylor when he takes a seat right beside me and removes his jacket. My eyes are immediately rolling and I reach for the pills that are there on the table in front of us. I hate knowing that I’m not exactly wired right now to make a successful escape from him. It bothers me more as he makes himself comfortable.

Ally:
“Can I have a sip of that?”

I ask Taylor in reference to his cup of a substance that’s strong and translucent. I’m trying my best to pretend he’s not there but the pills are taken from me to immediately dent my mood.

Harry:
“We’re going to talk now.”

Ally:
“No,”

I snatch weakly away but he doesn’t seem to like it one bit. A few seconds, and his lips are to my ear in frustration.

Harry:
“I swear I’ll smash his head into this fucking table if you don’t.”

In my heart I know he’s not kidding. I tense a bit and look up to his blurry figure, and the cup is taken as well and sat on the table. I’m pulled up and behind him through the hall. I'm stumbling over myself, but soon we’re in the nearest bedroom. Before I can object, he grabs me in and shuts the door.

Harry:
“What the hell are you doing here with all of these guys? You really trust Taylor to watch you when you’re passed out from whatever?”

Ally:
“Not your business.”

I slur. His back is to the door so there’s no way I’ll be getting out. I just stand there in place with my arms folded over my chest until I’m free to go.

Ally:
“What do you want? I’m busy.”

And a little misty between my eyes, which is why I’m taking the situation a little better than I would normally.

Ally:
“If this is about what I think it is, I don’t feel like this conversation.”

Harry:
“What will get you to just listen to me? Hey,”

He’s aggressive with pulling my face toward him.

Harry:
“And you changed your number?”

Ally:
“I just need a drink.”

He’s moving from the door to closer to where I’m stood.

Harry:
“I can’t get you one…I’m afraid Ally, because I don’t know what you’ve had already.”

At least the anger is from his voice and he’s speaking in a way that sooths rather than irritates my state.

Ally:
“Just alcohol…go get me one, Harry. I’m not a baby.”

He seems to have a stronger presence in the room because of how long it’s been since we actually held a decent conversation. He seems pretty torn but I think I’ve persuaded him.

Harry:
“…Just stay here. Don’t go anywhere without me.”

I sigh and fool around with my hair while he’s gone. When I begin to feel the floor is shifting I sit on Taylor’s bed until his return.

Harry:
“Here,”

He passes the cup to me, but I’m sure it’s nothing strong knowing the way he is about me. I take a sip and begin the process of tuning him out. I can tell this is hurting his feelings but I down the rest of the cup to prepare me for whatever this was.

Harry:
“You know it’s only you...”

I give him back the cup and wait for the rest of it, because technically if it were only me we wouldn’t be in this mess.
Harry:
“I need to apologize to you for everything I’ve ever done to make you this broken…I wish you would just understand how terrible I feel for sleeping with her-you have to know that I regret that Ally.”

I’m really feeling the effects of everything I haven’t told him about flood through my head, so his words mean more than they would have with a sober mind. The fact that I’m conscious of this helps a bit.

Ally:
“It doesn’t matter if you do or not. You still did it. That’s the part I’m having a hard time with.”

Harry:
“Babe, I downed a bottle of rum.”

His tone is calm as he tries touching me again. I don’t exactly snap this time but it may or may not be the confusion I’m experiencing. I go to hug my arms around myself when I feel a random draft.

Ally:
“I’m cold Harry,”

When it sits with him, he removes the jacket he’s wearing again to place around me and hug me in. I’d tell him to stop but I forget momentarily what we’re mad about.

Ally:
“Why did you drink? You promised me you wouldn’t. Then you find the prettiest girl to cheat on me with. I hate you.”
I feel like a drunk now as the words fumble out of my mouth against my will.

Harry:
“Don’t say it like you don’t know how gorgeous you are…You may think you hate me now…I deserve to hear it, but I love you anyway.”

His face nears intimately with mine and I reject the urge to kiss him.

Ally:
“Still hate you.”
He’s closer and his next few words are said practically against my lips.

Harry:
“I love you, Ally.”

I bet he’s glad that I’m a little out of it because this would never happen if I weren’t.

Ally:
“Don’t.”

Harry:
“Don’t kiss you? You want me to,”

I allow him against my lips without fighting it this time. I’m not sure why but I do... This so wasn’t fair.

Harry:
“And you have to stop using whatever he’s been giving you. It makes me worry all the time. I don’t sleep.”

Ally:
“Well, this is the only way I sleep so…”

It goes silent for a moment.

Harry:
“I could help you with that, you know. If you can stay away from your boss long enough.”

That’s when I force space between us.

Harry:
“What’s going on with that anyways?”

Ally:
“It’s better if you don’t ask.”
I mutter with eyes partially closed. When he doesn’t respond I look up to see an expression that I’ve before been familiar to. I realize then that I had probably said too much and go to slap my palm to my forehead slowly.

Harry:
“Come on, you should get home to bed.”

--
I exit the car and head up the driveway for a better look. My hands reach for my face in disbelief and immediately I look over the neighborhood around me. It's so quiet and well kept that I couldn't imagine someone doing this here and more importantly, who would want to do this to him? I go for the door to ring at the bell repeated until I get an answer. As soon as I feel the pull I start with my questioning.

Ally:
"Allen, what the hell happened to your car-"

When it's opened fully I get a clear view of his face and the gasping continues.

Allen:
"Everything's fine."

Ally:
"Fine? What happened to your face?"

There's a dark circle beneath his eye and his lip is stained with dried blood that's seem to have been there for awhile. His appearance reminds me of his car I've just seen.

Allen:
"I don't want you to worry. I just-...got in a bar fight last night that's all. It's nothing."

Ally:
"Nothing?! Is this the same person who wrecked your car? If so Allen, you need to call the police, I’m serious."

Allen:
"Ally, no. Just leave it. And don't worry about the car, I wanted another one anyways. No big deal."

I'm kind of angry that he's taking this so lightly but give a slow nod when he dismisses my words.

Ally:
"Is this why you weren't at work today?"

He pulls me and closes the door so I know that he wants me to stay.

Allen:
"I didn't want to get through the entire work day on pain killers..so,"

I don't know why I feel so entitled to him and his safety but things definitely didn't sit right with me. I couldn’t quite understand how he could be so calm about this, it was unsettling really. I know how bad it is from the way he holds his ribcage when he walks.

Ally:
"Can I get you anything? You should probably lie down."

He pecks gently to my lips but I don't back to avoid hurting him further.

Allen:
"Actually there is one thing...do you mind getting me more meds. I've just run out,"

Ally:
"Sure, yea of course."

I follow him while he gives me instructions on where to go and what to say and it's just like the normal work day. I grab my bag and head for the door just afraid the pain meds would wear off before I was able to return. On the way to my car I study his own a little more for a second. I try to remember exactly where I was and what I was doing for the entire night at Taylors when this could have happened but it’s like staring through poked holes. I did wake up this morning in my bed again with a number of missed calls from him, but honestly that was slowly becoming normal for us. The more I stare at it, the more I realize there's a stop I should probably make before the pharmacy.

Notes

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