Rage

I unlock the door with the key he’d given me and take a breath to stable myself before turning and entering. I’m so familiar with this place now that it was safe to say I lived here. A few steps in and I’m faced with a bottle of rum that’s just a few shots shy of empty on the counter. I feel that familiar cave in my chest and see him there shirtless and obviously hung over downing a bottled water. If there were ever a time I was disappointed in myself it was now. I felt like this whole situation was entirely my fault. I should not have lied to him…I wasn’t even sure if he believed a word I had expressed to him in the car last night. I go to brace myself before speaking to make my presence known.

Ally:
“Hi,”

He turns but immediately I can tell that he’s not very happy to see me here. My feelings become sore with the observation.

Ally:
“…I’m sorry, Harry.”

Harry:
“You should go.”

My face contorts with confusion because I thought we were closer than this. Still, I go on to say what I need to.

Ally:
“I-uh…I just wanted to tell you that I’ve found a few other jobs that are interested in me…so I’ll quit this one if that’s what you want. I will Monday, Harry I love you. I’m sorry.”

I was even willing to pretend that this period of weakness with him drinking hadn’t happened so long as it didn’t again. I was beginning to feel like a really bad person when he hadn’t responded but rather remained quiet and unable to look at me. Was I that bad?

“Harry, come back to bed.”

My entire demeanor shifts when she enters the room we share in nothing but her bra and underwear. She pretends as if I’m not there and when I look to him his eyes are squeezed shut slowly. I feel incredibly stupid as I back up slowly but without hesitancy. I feel my emotions shattering internally and I turn to walk quickly down the hall when the tears slip away from me. This wasn’t happening, I repeat in my head over and over but it doesn’t sink through. I notice the sudden tremor of my hands when I reach for the door from a mixture of anger and this emotional rollercoaster I was finally given courage enough to get off of. I drop the key on the floor to make my intentions known of never returning. He’s heard close behind me.

Harry:
“Allison, don’t.”

When he reaches for me my hand immediately goes to slap across his face as hard as I can. He’s still for a moment and I resume in pulling open the door.

“Harry?”

She calls to his annoyance from just behind us.

Harry:
“Harper. Leave. Now.”

I’m grateful for the fresh air once I’ve escaped successfully and press angrily at the button of my keys to unlock the car door. He speaks to get me to reason but I can’t comprehend how he could ask so much of me after this. He occupies the seat beside me before I can lock it back.

Harry:
“This was a mistake babe, you know that I wouldn’t- I just drank too much and…“

I get back out to avoid the bullshit polluting my ears and walk up the street in another direction when I’m not sure what else to do. I don’t look back though I know he follows and I answer my phone before reading the screen for who it is.

Ally:
“Yea?”
I wipe my face of the tears and look over the quiet neighborhood.

Taylor:
“Hey. I didn’t expect you to answer, you’ve been angry with me or something?”

Ally:
“No, of course not.”

He still speaks from behind me but really it was like him saying nothing at all to me.

Taylor:
“Then you’ll hang out today?”

Ally:
“Sure, but I need something. Will you come and get me now?”

Taylor:
“…sure, are you okay?”

Ally:
“If you come now, I will be…”
--
I know I probably shouldn’t have…I definitely shouldn’t have but I did anyways. There are things in my system now that seem to all clash with one another at once. I stumble up the steps from impaired vision and after a third time, work on taking them one by one. I don’t care if Lori’s here or even if I’m making a lot of noise at the hour…that’s how I know I’m past my limit. A ring of the door bell brings me back down and I begin toward where the noise is coming from. The peephole seems to be closed or filled with something tonight and I unlock it after a second of annoyance. It didn’t matter what I was going through at the moment there was no question about who it was. I move to shut the door immediately but I can’t seem to overpower him. That’s nothing new to us. It doesn’t matter because the room is spinning and I’m suddenly hugging closely to the floor. The voice is tuned out at will and I push the hands away sluggishly. Everything’s pretty slow and I know I’ll have to come up with something good for missing work the next day. He’s speaking but I don’t care what about. My brain has legs until I slip into a deep and unmemorable sleep. I just want the spinning to stop for a minute so I can lock myself in my room away from him.

--

I’m face-first in the mattress and I pull up my head that seems to have gotten heavier since yesterday. I’m thankful that I’m in my bedroom because truth be told I didn’t remember at all how I’d even gotten to the house. I peer over quickly to the clock that reads 1:30pm and begin repeatedly cursing to myself. My phone is grabbed and though he’s the last person I want to talk to- I can’t deny that it’s necessary.

Ally:
“Allen I’m sorry for missing work today, I wasn’t feeling too well. And I know I should have called but-“

He’s giggling from the other side of the line.

Allen:
“… It’s alright…Sure I would have liked a call ahead of time, but if you’re not feeling well, take as long as you need alright. Just promise you’ll make it up to me.”

Not sure how I expected him to respond but I’m sure it wasn’t the way that he had. I can almost see the grin on his lips but in a way I’m relieved to know I’m not in total trouble for this. I realize the circumstances have a large role in why that is.

Ally:
“O-Okay.”

Allen:
“Give me a call when you’re ready to come back?”
Ally:
“Yes sir,”

He sighs unhappily.

Allen:
“Try that again.”

Though my head bangs with a migraine of a sort, it’s better than not recognizing myself in the mirror.

Ally:
“Okay Allen,”

Allen:
“Better.”
I hang up, reach for the aspirin and head downstairs to the kitchen for a water. She’s cutting vegetables on the chopping block but all I can think about is how the sound rumbles with something in the back of my brain.

Lori:
“You received flowers today…”

Yay.

Ally:
“From?”

I unscrew the cap and chase the pills with water quickly to avoid the taste.

Lori:
“Harry. Well he actually brought them here. He was waiting for you to wakeup or something but said he’d be back in a half-hour.”

The doorbell rings just as the words leave her and I chuck the flowers in the garbage.

Ally:
“Don’t get it okay…not if it’s him, don’t ever.”
--

I decided on taking a few days to myself. I didn’t see why I wouldn’t take advantage of the fact that my boss loved taking advantage of me. I had changed my number a few days back so that I wouldn’t go through the problem of seeing an array of missed calls all of the time and be constantly reminded…

It would always be a reason for my mind to keep me awake at night, even now when I had some decent amount of time away from the office. I guess that was just how life was. I set there in the bath in my state of fog again. It’s a tad less extreme than before because I can actually recall where I am and what my name is. There’s a creak at the door and my head turns to acknowledge it slowly. I’m swearing a lot lately but I turn my vision back to the steady but slow drop of the faucet that I had shut off about twenty minutes ago. She had probably let him in specifically because I asked her not to. I hold my temple and stare into the sudsy water where my legs can barely be seen. His hand is brought to my face to pull my eyes toward his.

Harry:
“Not again, Ally.”

He whispers in a sad manner and rubs back and forth to my jawline in thought. My sluggish eyes fall shut and I feel like I’m not at all in control of the situation. What I want is him gone but I’m not able to insure that now. I push his hands away and he removes his shirt patiently to dip in and pick me up bridal style from the water. I kick and scream internally but on the outside I just allow him. The room is too hazy for me to do what I need to. I lie there while I’m dried and dressed in lounge wear. Lotion is rubbed against my skin and I’m placed beneath the covers where it’s warm and comfortable.

Harry:
“Promise me you’ll stop this…this isn’t you, Ally. Please, I’d rather you yell at me than hurt yourself.”

He communicates slowly as if speaking to a fragile mind. It’s patient and smooth, making me drowsier.

Harry:
“Was it Taylor? …that you were with?”

He caresses my hair against the pillow as if ridding me of the nightmares but I don’t answer.

Harry:
“Ally?”

Still I remain quiet because I didn’t want to fuss with him. Didn’t he get it?…I hated him.

--
My mind is elsewhere while I update the spreadsheet in the office of his home. I didn’t at all feel like dealing with this today but I figured going to work would be a great distraction. It’s well after our usually work day and I’m stuck doing overtime as per usually.

Allen:
“How’s it going?”

He places two cups of tea on the desk beside me and pulls up a chair. This was a lovely home and honestly it was hard to believe he didn’t have someone here to share it with.

Ally:
“Pretty good, I’m done actually.”

I continue typing the last of it while I wait for his reply.

Allen:
“That’s too bad.”

I look to him when his hand goes to rest just above my knee and I’m overcome with the impression that this will never stop. I’m motionless, and for whatever reason my first impulse is to think of how pissed Harry would be about this. But then every other recent memory of him pushes forward and I feel stupid that I ever loved that asshole.

Something triggers me and I find myself leaning in to kiss him voluntarily. I can tell that he’s obviously surprised with this but he’s more than receptive. I just want this pain in my heart area to subside and give me peace at night so I wouldn’t have to give in to Taylor’s requests to “hang out”. I just wanted to be happy. But until then I’d find other things to keep me distracted.

Allen:
“You want to go upstairs?”

His fingers rub at my cheek in a manner that I need right now. I think for a moment, staring at the buttons of his shirt before I give a certain nod. He pecks at my lips again before reaching for my hand and leading me there.

Allen:
“What did he do?”

I’m lying on top of the duvet as he removes my shoes and lower clothing while making conversation.

Ally:
“I don’t want to talk about it.”

I stay still while he “makes me comfortable” and just hold onto his voice to keep me from over-thinking things. He seemingly takes note of this.

Allen:
“…I don’t want you to think about him when you’re with me.”

He’s trailing further up my legs to where my thighs are sensitive to his touch. I wait for direction because he seems like that sort of guy.

Allen:
“Close your eyes.”

I oblige. His gentle fingers touch over my arms and he moves his lips across my neck line. Until now I didn’t think of his touch as something I wanted or desired for. It was always a part of me that repelled this because of the other commitments I was faithful to. I didn’t have those now.

Allen:
“Tell me your favorite color, Ally.”

He intertwines our fingers and un-does the buttons of my shirt slowly to reveal my bra to himself. His tone is helping me to relax.

Ally:
“I like green.”

Allen:
“No way,”

I smile with the reaction.

Ally:
“Thought I’d say pink?”

His tongue invades my lips and I adapt to the difference I’m use to. He smells of expensive cologne and fresh laundry detergent.

Allen:
“That’s one thing we have in common… Lets keep going,”

Notes

Yikes, I think he really messed up this time. THANKS FOR READINGGGGGG.