Rage

I sit up from beside him when my stomach feels a disturbance, holding my arm across my chest as I run off to the bathroom in nothing but a pair of underwear. The door is locked and I'm hovered over the toilet. I began involuntarily spilling out the contents of my stomach projectile style. Tears stain my face quickly with the sudden discomfort around my navel area and I quickly restrict my hair with the tie that dangles around my arm. I hear the doorknob being attempted in what seems like the distance now.

Harry:
"Ally open the door, what's wrong?"

I try breathing evenly and just focusing on not looking and intensifying my nausea. I flush quickly with the thought.

Ally:
"It's alright- I'm...I'm okay."

Harry:
"I said open it now,"

I move to dampen my face with cool water and reach for the handle of my toothbrush. I brush quickly and rinse my mouth thoroughly of the unpleasant taste.

Harry:
"So you're just going to ignore me?"

I then gargle and pull on a t-shirt of his that hangs near the towels nearby. The sink is rinsed once I'm finished and I open the door before he develops a temper.

Ally:
"I said I'm fine."

He grips my face in his palms to study and I notice the difference in how sluggish my lids have become. My forehead is felt as I take in how adorable he is right now. Only my mom did this sort of thing.

Harry:
"When will you learn that I'm your boyfriend and I need to know these things. Don't brush me off, it's not going to work. What happened just now?"

Ally:
"I just...got a little sick."

He does that thing where his eyebrows narrows with the sudden knowledge.

Ally:
"It's not that. I'm fine, just must have...eaten something."

I withdraw from his stare to leave the room for the kitchen. I ponder the shelves of the frig before checking the can for the bottle. I sigh, turning to see that I was still under his watch.

Ally:
"Great, you drank all of the gingerale. I'll just go for more, I'll be back."

Harry:
"Wait..."

He's just standing there in his briefs with the abs of his bare abdomen just there staring at me.

Harry:
"You're sure it was something you ate?"

I understood his need to ask the question. We had been carrying on quite a bit since I returned but somehow I felt I knew my body well enough to know at least what this wasn't. I couldn't get over the expression he was giving me now and didn't really know yet how to respond to it...or if I were a tad offended.

Ally:
"Don't worry...if it's anything else, I'll take care of it, okay. So just relax."

I head to get dressed but he doesn't allow me to pass him. He's pretty heavy with the controlling thing.

Harry:


He pecks my head and breaks the barrier between us.

Harry:
"You don't look well, Allison. Maybe you should go lie down and I'll get the gingerale. What kind of crackers do you like?"

Ally:
"I don't like crackers."

Harry:
"Well you need something solid,"

He goes on in the background as I just stare there at the garbage can containing the empty soda bottle. It's not until then that I see the empty pack there, sort of hidden by everything else around it. His words cease when he notices my attention drifting. I head over and grab it without giving it a second thought. I hold it up in front of him while I take detailed notes of his reaction.

Ally:
"What the hell is this?"

It was my first impulse but I was sure I knew a condom box when I saw one.

Harry:
"Well...I-"

Ally:
"Don't even with me Harry, when have you ever used these with me?"

I was referring to the brand, and wasn't an idiot. Watching him open the wrappers before our moments of passion was one of my favorite parts so I was more than familiar with them. I feel the nausea again but I'm not sure which is the reason for my tears. I throw it at him before heading for my clothes as originally intended.

Harry:
"Stop it. Come on Ally, don't."

Looking through my eyes is something like a smeared glass now but I ignore it until I'm successfully in my clothes. I feel like we always did this. Guys were just liars.

Harry:
"They're not mine."

Like I didn't here that one before...and what kind of sense did he expect that to make to me when it was in the personal garbage of his own place. It alarms me when I feel a sudden touch to my skin and I find myself shoving him forcefully despite my weak state. Callie's the first person that crosses my mind but I guess now whoever it was didn't matter.

Ally:
"That'll be the last time you touch me."

I turn to grab the little things I have that seem to add up around his bedroom.

Ally:
"God, I'm so stupid."

I go to pull on my bag and I feel my stomach objecting to my harsh movements. I run off to the bathroom again where I'm trying to find relief against it for the second time. I'm not sure what's being pulled from it, given I haven't really eaten much but I feel his fingers holding my hair and soothing words falling on my ears in the background. My eyes sting with the salt and I flush before moving toward the sink again. I brush my teeth angrily at the situation, deciding whether to head home or for the nearest ER. He's rubbing my back now though I'm certain he heard my words before. I turn to leave when I'm finished hoping it'll behave until I'd reach my destination. The last thing I want is to be on the side of the road somewhere. I'm forced against the sink and he holds each side of it so I'm deferred from leaving.

Harry:
"Are you okay?"

Ally:
"Perfect,"

Harry:
"Will you let me talk now?"

I lack respect enough to even give him the proper eye contact he wants. I try again shoving but it's an unfair battle.

Harry:
"No -you're not well. Let me take care of you. Where are you going to go? You know what Lori will tell your mom if she sees you like this."

Ally:
"I don't care."

Harry:
"I do. Just let me talk."

Ally:
"What are you going to tell me? You had friends over?"

Harry:
"But that's exactly what happened, Ally."

Ally:
"Liar."

He leans against it, looking toward the floor for a moment as if finding the words
there.

Harry:
"...I talked to you every night...texted you every morning. I wanted to drink a few times but I didn't for you. I don't know what to say that you'd believe. I love you...I missed you. I wouldn't..."

My shoulder is pecked but I just hate that I've been listening to anything he has to say...because like always the shit seems to work.

Harry:
"And besides..."

He picks the empty pack up from the floor in a manner of pointing something out to me. It's shoved in my hand so I couldn't ignore him.

Harry:
"You know I'd never fit into those."

I read the pack through water eyes and begin to laugh outwardly at the comment. God, was he right about that to my usual advantage. It was definitely something that I couldn't argue with so I didn't try another way. I finally look into his eyes that seem like nothing less than fine marble and let my own offer an apology.

Harry:
"You'll be making this up to me."

I nod in agreement, feeling a wave of guilt now that things were sinking in.

Harry:
"Will you let me take care of you now?"

Another nod and I close my eyes with the dizziness.

Harry:
"You're so stubborn with me. You could have just listened, you know."

Ally:
"...I know, I just- I really love you Harry. And the thought of you with someone else that way...you should know why that unsettles me."

Harry:
"I know you don't trust me..."

I didn't much trust anyone but I still was given the urge to disagree with him.

Harry:
"I know I've given you reasons, but I'm trying. Don't do this again. I know your first instinct is to leave but that's not how relationships work."

Ally:
"Alright."

I give a sigh.

Harry:
"It's scary for me when you just leave like that. It’s every time we argue."

I humble myself in the crook of his neck and just ignore the current dizziness.

Ally:
"You never told me you had people over...or is it none of my business."

Harry:
"You would have thought I was drinking."

Ally:
"Point."

My eyes are closed and I'm just glad the argument didn't get to play out.

Ally:
"I need gingerale.”

Harry:
“I’m going,”

--

Ally:
“Why are you so tired?”

I tug at his hair after putting on my seatbelt. I had just come from work and he’d be picking me up for the week while I had work done to my car.

Ally:
“It’s the middle of the day.”

Harry:
“I don’t know, it’s weird.”

I wish he’d quit lying to me. There were certain things I just knew and lately something was off. I don’t say much after his reply but when we’re close to one of our favorite restaurants I squeeze at his hand in mine planted there on the armrest.

Ally:
“Go there, I’m hungry.”

He checks his rearview before switching lanes quickly to avoid missing the turn. Being a passenger in his car was an experience for me. It smelled heavily of him and somehow I always felt safe. There’s a number of his chains hung around the center mirror. Not sure of their importance but he never let me touch them.
--

Ally:
“Now, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

He takes a bite from my plate without even flinching as I ask my question seriously.

Ally:
“Come on…it’ll hurt my feelings if you don’t.”

I sort of pout a little so he has no choice but to oblige to me. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he had been up to the activities he always banned me from. I pull at his chin for attention and just wait as the connection between our eyes are made.

I lean forward, glad that everyone’s minding their business around us.

Ally:
“Is it alcohol? You can tell me.”

I whisper and take notice as he takes a slow blink.

Harry:
“It’s…not alcohol Ally. I promised.”

Ally:
“So then what?”

Harry:
“Don’t be mad…I know it’s not good but-“

Ally:
“I won’t be mad. Just go,”

He looks around as if a little uncomfortable with whatever it was he was about to spill.

Harry:
“So you know how I was having a little trouble with sleeping- while you were away…”

Ally:
“Mm hm,”

I take another bite but only to cure my state of nervousness. One thing I could say about this relationship was that it was always kept interesting.

Harry:
“Well, I was put on sleeping pills.”

Ally:
“Okay…”

His eyes are really lazy as he maintains our eye contact and I’m already putting it together in my head. He stops there and I’m sure I know what this is.

Ally:
“No Harry,”

If there was one thing this was beginning to show me it was that we had serious issues.

Ally:
“You’re abusing them?”

I’m back in a state of whispering as I place the fork down.

Harry:
“I just- I don’t mean to. All I know is…there was times that I wanted to drink when you were- I mean I didn’t but-“

Ally:
“Are you trying to ruin your life? That’s too far Harry.”

Harry:
“I know…and that’s why I’m telling you.”

Ally:
“There is such a double standard. What if I did that?”

Harry:
“I would be really pissed with you.”

I fold my arms so our hands refrain from touching. I smile and give my thanks when the waiter approaches and refills the drinks. I’m glad she doesn’t stick around because I wasn’t quite sure how much longer I could be polite.

Ally:
“I’m taking them from you.”

Harry:
“Okay.”

Ally:
“Don’t “okay” me, I can’t believe you.”

He sits up and sips his drink sleepily.
Harry:
“I said I was sorry,”

Ally:
“No you didn’t, that was the last time you did something stupid.”

I’m fidgeting with things on the table while he listens quietly.

Ally:
“See, I’m trying to be good for you. And then you don’t even tell me this. We talked everyday when I was away.”

Harry:
“Look I-“

Ally:
“How many have you taken today?”

He shushes me before I hold the bridge of my nose thoughtfully once my eyes are closed.

Ally:
“Great. My boyfriends a drug addict now too,”

I mumble quietly to myself while my thoughts run laps around me.

Harry:
“Don’t say that. You know I’m not into that.”

The crease forms between his eyebrows at my lack of a filter. I didn’t know what he expected. I push back my hair and lean toward him again against the table.

Ally:
“No more okay,”

Harry:
“I promise.”

Ally:
“I’m serious. God, I must be so naive to things. You lie to me all of the time.”

He’s too busy in his state to even argue with whatever I’m saying. I reach for my purse to take care of the bill.

Harry:
“You know I’ve got it,”

No, you’re going to need it for rehab.

Ally:
“Just come on, I’m driving. Jesus,”

--

Ally:
“Claire?”

I take the last few steps down my stairs to better see her.

Ally:
“What are you doing he-“

Lori:
“Claire, what’s taking so long!?”

I hear her yell from up the stairs and my eyes narrow a little. I point toward the direction her voice comes from as it marinates. I feel like crap but it doesn’t waiver this shock factor.

Ally:
“Y-You’re Lori’s friend, “Claire?”

She nods with her arms folded around her middle.

Ally:
“Claire Morgan?”

Claire:
“Yes Ally.”
My brain slowly travels through the motions but I don’t think it’s sunk in how early it is still.

Ally:
“What? How did I not know that? And she talks about you all of the time. But I just thought…”

I muster and mumble to myself still trying to keep my eyes from shutting. Her name was something I heard a lot of when referenced by Lori which made this entire thing a tad more interesting. I walk closer so that I’m able to hear her correctly.

Ally:
“That doesn’t-…”

I draw myself a map for a second before opening up. I wished that life didn’t call for this so early in the morning.

Ally:
“so…the pregnancy test she accused me of…that was yours?”

At first I half-expect her to totally lose it with me in defense, but she doesn’t. She just stands there, losing all confidence to keep the glare going. Usually when people did that it was more than answer enough. My stomach does this weird thing for the prospect of the conversation.

Ally:
“Just tell me, was it yours?”

Another subtle nod and I’m feeling a little queasy here. We’d hung out so much before and she’d literally told me everything but this major detail.

Ally:
“Claire, you’re pregnant?”

I mimic the way she’s standing because I don’t know what else to do. She shifts on her feet a little and I begin to grow a little weary for whatever the answer will be presented to me as.

Claire:
“…no.”

And then I spas a little.

Ally:
“No? What do you mean no? What happened, I mean- You told me you had never been with guys before.”

I don’t allow myself to feel completely deceived yet. She looks downward to the floor and I can tell this isn’t her favorite topic. I’d welcome her to the club later.

Claire:
“…I haven’t. It- it was stupid, I...”

She starts but cuts herself short.

Claire:
“Can we talk about this later?”

Ally:
“No, now’s good.”

I hoped she would continue because so far this wasn’t explanation enough for me. I was so taken by this girl but apparently there was a lot I didn’t know about her. She collects herself and walks closer to me so her voice could lower between us.

Claire:
“Ally it’s not what you’re thinking. I got out of this bad relationship where- …My girlfriend constantly cheated on me and-”

I try to follow despite her unwillingness to have told me this before. She seemed somehow shy or uncomfortable and that was something I hadn’t yet seen in her. I didn’t know whether to feel pissed or in awe.

Claire:
“It was a drunken night with this guy- but it doesn’t even matter anymore. It’s taken care of…”

After her words there swam a bad feeling in my chest area. I’d received a lot of flak for that test but never in a millions years did I think it would belong to a girl I often fantasized about.

Claire:
“Now I can say I tried it, I guess. Funny though right, the first time I hook up with a guy and that happens.”

Actually no, it wasn’t funny at all but I assumed that was the point. I found myself suddenly feeling bad for her as if we’d been sharing that same emotion. She speaks to clear the air.

Claire:
“Do you see my differently… because of it?”

I immediately shake my head slowly but am unable to keep eye contact. I get closer, pulling her into me and burying my chin in her rich colored hair. I know she needs the hug.

Ally:
“I’m sorry…No, of course not. Things happen. I get it.”

I feel her arms on my waist as we enter the moment and she doesn’t hesitate to start.

Claire:
“It was awhile ago. I’m alright. But-“

I pull back to watch her and fill my own hunger. Nothing changes just how visibly pleasing she is to me.

Claire:
“Why don’t you answer me anymore? What did I do, why are you ignoring me? That’s why I’m here. I was hoping to run into you.”

Ally:
“I um, it’s Harry. He…doesn’t like this, you know. It bugs him so I had to back off a little, I’m sorry.”

Claire:
“You could have told me that,”

Ally:
“I don’t like hurting your feelings.”

Claire:
“And this doesn’t?”

She had a point, but I really tried to avoid it. A part of me also knew that she’d try to talk me out of it and…she was just so tempting to me.

Claire:
“I can be just friends for now…but I know he’ll hurt you again…”

That landed a little harshly than I had expected,

Ally:
“What did she tell you?”

Claire:
“What do you mean? Lori?”

Ally:
“You know what I mean.”

Claire:
“Nothing. What would she tell me?”

Even though the abuse was in the past, I still got a little defensive when I thought someone was judging him too closely. If anyone did that, it was going to be me.

Ally:
“I’m going to go.”

Claire:
“No, Ally.”

She calls but I head back to my bedroom to lock the door. And crawl back into bed next to him.

Notes

Sorry for the wait. Let me know if you see any errors.

Thanks for reading,