Rage

I remove my chain thoughtfully and set it on the tallest dresser of my room. It’s the one I use the least so I guess that kind of explains itself. I turn away to face the mirror and rub the place it once lie. It’s been a few weeks since I’d saw him last and until now it seemed impossible to remove it from my empty body…That’s how I felt lately but things were slowly changing. Lori says at some point I’d realize that this something that I consider a heartache was just a favor in disguise…I still didn’t much like her.

I leave the house and allow myself to drive in silence so that I develop an idea of how I’m feeling. Nothing. But that wasn’t much of an answer at all and I doubt if he’d let me get away with it for two weeks in a row. Too soon, and I’m in the parking lot of my destination. I place the vehicle in park and shut off the engine before I become late.

Dr.Horan:
"Like what exactly?"

I'm never really prepared for when he says that even when I know it's coming. There's always this part of me that delays before responding because I'm still not good at this.

Ally:
"...I don't know. I just- find myself doing things that I'm not exactly use to...lately I'm- this person that I know isn't me."

Thirty minutes in and I’m still trying to figure out where I went wrong with this.

Dr.Horan:
"Because of him?"

I wish he'd stop mentioning him in my sessions because it only made things harder to forget. I never thought I could grow to hate someone as much as I had Harry now and he was the last thing I needed on my mind when I was trying to figure out my current life. To me he was nothing more than a form of self harm that I seemed quite addicted to. Now that things were off I should feel better. But I didn't know how I felt anymore.

Ally:
"No. This isn't about him."

He begins writing again and it's kind of ticking me off that I don't know the contents of it. I didn’t know there was a right or wrong answer here.

Dr.Horan:
"...Was this a norm for you before things went bad?"

I had vision of the point already.

Ally:
"No but-"

Dr.Horan:
"Well then, as far as I'm concerned this is very much about him. You're numbing yourself. That wouldn't be necessary if you’d just find a medium and talk about it."

I look down to my fingers to escape his never ending glare. My lips are together as I try thinking of something else like where I'll be headed after this. He sighs when I don't respond but it's patient. Opening up was hard enough for me but maybe time would assist me.

Dr.Horan:
"Next time then, okay?"

--
I’m on the couch of a foggy room with a number of friends I hadn’t seen in awhile. My vision is a tad obscured by now but I’m just content with being relaxed. I had to admit I’d felt ashamed of this the first few times but then again anything was better than alcohol, Lori says.

Taylor:
“You still there Ally?”

He jokes from beside me. I knew that I was never able to fit in with them unless my life was a little on the rocks and they were always okay with that. I guess everyone was entitled to a few off days. I lean my head back into the couch as the effect runs its course. I’m feeling like I could use a nap now as my eyes fall shut by themselves.

Taylor:
“I can take you home if you’re tired.”

I open them again about as much as they’ll go and grab my keys from the table in front of me.

Ally:
“I can drive, it’s fine.”

I get up slowly and dispatch myself from the group.

Ally:
“Bye guys,”

I spill sluggishly and take in their replies individually as I open the door.

Ally:
“I had fun, Taylor. I’ll call you later.”

--


Jace:
“Hey…”

There’s gently fingertips moving in a back and forth motion against my back from beneath the covers. I can’t remember the last I’d waken up to him so the voice is initially quite alarming. I sit up slowly.

Jace:
“Sorry. I didn’t want to wake you, but I have work and didn’t want to just leave.”

Ally:
“No. It’s fine, thanks.”

I rub his face realizing that he’s fully dressed. I slip on a large shirt quickly.

Ally:
“I’ll walk you down. I really need a tea anyways.”

He’s still affectionate with the touching as we approach the door. The hug takes a few seconds and I’m still half asleep until something frightens me from behind.

Lori:
“Oh hey Jason.”

And I can already tell she’s judging. He promises to call and leaves politely but I’m just bummed to be alone with her again.



I'm out and ready quickly. The ride is quiet for the most part but the hum of the engine keeps us from dwelling in complete silence. I'm dropping her off at work before I make my way to my own at 10.

Claire:
“Are you mad again?”

Ally:
“I wasn’t mad before.”

Claire:
“Well you’re not talking to me.”

Ally:
“…I just thought you liked the quiet. I'm sorry.”

The truth was I wasn’t feeling the brightest thanks to this hangover and it was kind of difficult to hide it at the moment. It was also hard to enjoy how adorable she was today but I hoped she wouldn't take the lack of attention personally. I park and just being there sets the memories in place.

Claire:
“Don’t be so grumpy. Come on I can get you another tea, it seems you could use one.”

I sigh and unfasten the seatbelt. It’s not until I’m inside that I realize why that was such a bad idea...

Two steps in and already I see the hair, skin, and dimples on the other side from where we are. He’s in the booth that we usually share together with a female that isn’t familiar to me. She’s smiling back and the happiness seems to gleam the opposite emotion in my direction. I look away when her hand grazes mine.

Claire:
“…You okay? You can go, or I can be quick.”

She says to address my discomfort. I watch her eyes to keep me from looking elsewhere.

Ally:
“I uh…I think I’m going to go. I’ll see you later, alright?”

I try not to feel anything…but since when did that ever work? And I go to leave before I'm noticed.

--

The windows are dark now so I guess I’ve successfully stayed long enough. The extra hours will prevent me from having to come in too early tomorrow and that was always a good thing. I rub against my arms for a moment in reaction to chilly office and grab my blazer from the back of my chair. The desk is organized a little and I paper clip the work where necessary. My coat is slung over my arm after grabbing my bag and checking it for my phone. I leave when I see it’s there and say my goodbyes to the doormen. The cold is bitter once I’m met with the night for the first time today. Streets lights hover around to give me a sense of security while I make my way quickly to my car.

The night brings me déjà vu when I see him standing there against it. He has his hands in the pockets of his peacoat as the wind blows his hair just slightly. It’s silent except for the workings of nature in the trees around us.

Harry:
“…I thought you got off at 4:30?”

It was now nearly seven but work kept my mind off of things. I don’t speak but rather wish I would have put on my coat before leaving though it was always a hassle taking it off at the wheel.

Harry:
“I need to talk to you for a moment... Just a moment.”

I’m still a little surprised to see him but nothing good could come of this. I’m somehow reasoned into following him to his car just across from mine and he opens the passenger side door for me.

Ally:
“Thanks.”

But I could have done it myself. He’s seated next to me shortly after and I’m subjected to his scent for the first time in awhile.

Harry:
“I was keeping it warm for you. I know you’re always cold in there…”

My eyes keep watch at the glove compartment while my mind revisits the night of the long drive we had.

Ally:
“What’s this about?”

I don’t pretend everything is fine because it’s not. I’d much rather be on my way home then doing this with him now.

Harry:
“I worry about you Ally.”

I know he’s looking at me but I don’t give him the attention he wants. My mind feels a little hazed like I’ve fallen asleep at the desk and dreamed this entire thing.

Ally:
“Why’s that?”

Harry:
“Come on, you know why.”

I didn’t actually but he seems to have it figured out for himself.

Harry:
“This was supposed to be a good thing…the break up.”

Maybe for him but to me that was a contradiction.

Harry:
“But…I hear a lot is going on with you now that I know is not my Ally, and you’re making me worry.”

So that’s why he was here.

Ally:
“…And where are you hearing that?”

Harry:
“We have a lot of the same friends. You really think that you could get away with anything without it getting back to me?”

I sigh ridding myself of the headache.

Ally:
“Well, I’m not you’re Ally anymore or your problem so this conversation is done.”

I go to pull at the door but he doesn’t allow it.

Harry:
“Three weeks or three years, you’re always going to be my problem. Do you understand that?”

So he's been counting? The scent is hypnotizing almost and my ears are holding onto his voice. It keeps me from leaving just yet.

Harry:
“Drugs? Are you insane Ally?”

Someone was definitely going to hear from me later. I rub between my eyes to relax the crease.

Ally:
“…Relax, it wasn’t like ...pills or anything-”

Harry:
“That's supposed to make me feel better? Then you’re drinking and hooking up with guys already. It’s only been a few weeks.”

Ally:
“I haven’t hooked up with anyone.”

Harry:
“So you’re going to lie to me on top of everything. There’s no way you haven’t with Claire by now.”

Ally:
“I was just dropping her off at work…you don’t have to believe me, but I haven’t.”

And then glimpses of the café today make their way in.

Ally:
“It’s not like you haven’t anyways. I saw you with her this morning.”

He sighs and squeezes against the steering wheel.

Harry:
“- she’s just a good friend. I’ve known her for awhile, you could have come over.”

Like that was going to happen.

Harry:
“That’s why I tried catching up with you, I knew what you probably thought when you saw that. That’s why I’m here…”

Ally:
“I’m not a child Harry, I can take it. We're not together.”

I listened to the sound of the engine since he chooses to stay quiet for awhile. I couldn’t believe this was playing out like this and I didn’t know if I were upset or thrilled to see him.

Harry:
“I think I need to spend time with you for awhile.”

Ally:
“Why so you can watch me? I don’t need the sympathy, getting dumped is enough.”

Harry:
“…I see now that I was wrong to do that. I'm sorry. I just thought you’d be better off without me constantly hurting you. But now you’re hurting yourself. And I don't like it..”

He was older than me and I could definitely always feel that present in his attitude about things .

Harry:
“Will you look at me Allison?”

My concentration was still on the glove compartment which was barely seen under the dark of night. It looked to be around eleven o’clock but things were shifting thanks to winter. I feel disconnected with myself and with him so much that I don’t even know my place anymore.

Harry:
“Please…I really want to kiss you.”

I look up and out of the windshield before helping myself to his eyes. In doing so I’ve given him the control and seemingly realize all over again just how attractive he is. He waits for my permission but I feel I’ve already given it.

Ally:
“I’m waiting...”

And he moves in until our faces are pressed with the armrest between us. I was actually more than thankful for him keeping the car warmed because slowly I can relax. And as I calm I begin to feel less frozen. I let the things that kept us from one another just slip away from me. I’d almost forgotten how this could feel. He had this way of making me feel like nothing else mattered to him. And I’d missed that.

When the kiss stops slowly he continues around my face with quick pecks.

Harry:
“I’m sorry. I’m such an asshole for all of this.”

I wasn’t going to disagree there. But there were still things to discuss.
Harry:
“And since we’re being honest, I’m going to say right away that I’m a little intimidated by you and Claire.”

Back to the serious talk and I fold my hands into each other.

Ally:
“See ...that wasn’t so hard.”

Harry:
“So you’ll leave her alone?”

I’m placed on the spot and I feel obligated to immediately give a black or white answer. There was something about her that drew me to her as well and that was something I’d really hate losing.

Ally:
“…if that’s what you want.”

I guess it came down to who I wanted and who I needed. I strongly doubted that losing her would have the same effect as living without him. And that’s what I had to think about.

Ally:
“And you’re going to see Dr.Horan.”

He gives me this look that suggests otherwise but surely I’m not having it.

Ally:
“You can go with me or on your own. But if you argue with me about it, I’m leaving this car.”

He obviously had problems of his own that he needed to deal with and if this was going to work I needed some help this time. He looked away and down to the steering wheel but I already know the answer.

Harry:
“…If that’s what you want.”

Notes

He can never stay away right? Thanks for reading and rate if you like the story.