Harry's POV

"Stop calling her," Niall says.

"Why?"

"Because you're acting like a desperate idiot and she clearly doesn't want to talk to you."

I roll my eyes and rub my hand over my eyes. "I have to get her to talk to me. I need to apologize and not on her voicemail."

"Then go see her so she can slam her door in your face and you can stop acting like a lunatic," he says. "Maybe take a video because I think it would be funny."

"You're the worst," I laugh, throwing some french fries at him. He runs up the stairs and I'm left sitting on my own with my phone on the table. The other night could not have gone any worse. First of all, that date with Nicole was not supposed to be a date. No way in hell am I ready to date someone else. Nicole is great, I'll give her that, but as soon as I saw Carmen it was like she didn't even exist and that's not fair to her. And Carmen's face when she saw us...I would rather be punched in the stomach.

Obviously I'm not over her. How could I be? And I don't really want to be, to be honest. I said I wanted to wait for her and I do. But she's pissed at me. She's really fucking pissed at me. I guess I was kind of an asshole...but you'd think by now she'd at least let me apologize. Maybe I should have asked Nicole to leave before I went to talk to her. Or tried to kiss her. Fuck.

It's literally been four days and I hate that. I hate feeling like I can't talk to her, like she doesn't want to talk me or see me or anything. I want to see her. Maybe I'll just go there and crawl through her window or something. She can't hate me that much, right?

"Don't do it!" Zayn yells from the couch. I stop halfway through putting my arm in my jacket and look at him with a guilty smile.

"Do what?"

"Harry."

"Yes."

He rolls his eyes. "Fine. But you realize how dumb this is after everyone has told you that it's a bad idea, right?"

"Sure."

When I step inside I practically fall back on my ass from being so scared. Carmen is already standing there with the most heartbreaking expression on her face and tears running down her cheeks. Before I can say anything she's wrapping her arms around me and sobbing against my chest. I'm bloody confused obviously but I don't say anything. I just let her cry. And shiver, because she's out here in February with just a t-shirt. I place one hand on the back of her head and try to do something to calm her down but nothing works. Maybe she came here looking for Liam but this works for me. But she's mad so I'm kind of scared to talk to her.

"Fuck," she says suddenly. She steps back a little and wipes under her eyes. "Sorry, I'm such a mess."

"Carmen, what happened?" I ask, my hands on either side of her face she looks up at me with the saddest eyes in the world. "Why are you so upset?"

"I- I talked to her," she stammers. "She c-came to the cafe."

"Come on, you're freezing." I put my arm around her shoulders and pull her inside. When Zayn sees us he stands and starts to ask what's wrong, but then I shake my head and he stops. When we're up in my room I make her sit on my bed before getting her the biggest sweater I can find. She mumbles a thank-you and pulls it over her head.

"Tell me what happened." I pull my desk chair in front of her and lean forward to put my hands over hers.

"I don't know how she found me," she mutters. "I was so careful..."

"Baby, tell me what she said."

"She said..." she closes her eyes. "She wants to fix things. She's sorry and she wants...she wants to have a- a relationship or something. How fucked up is that?"

"What did you say?"

She shrugs. "I didn't say a lot. I let her say what she wanted and then I pretty much..."

"What?" I prompt, leaning down a little so I can try to get her too look at me.

She looks down at our hands. "I came here. For Liam or...or for you, but I just needed to...I don't know."

At least she didn't just come looking for Liam. All I can do is nod; this is such a sensitive thing for her and I don't want to make her more upset than she already is.

"She tried to apologize," she continues quietly. "After fifteen years she thinks she can fix things by saying sorry. But it doesn't work that way, it's not as simple as that. I didn't have any parents for most of my life, how is she supposed to make up for that? She wants to now start acting like she's my mother but she...she's not. I wouldn't even call her that. She's Gale to me, she's not my mom. She's just not my mother."

"Okay." I sit next to her and wrap my arms around her again as she starts crying. "It's going to be fine, Carmen. Everything's going to be fine."

"How?" she whimpers. "I just...I can't...I don't want to deal with this, Harry. I can hardly even deal with you, never mind trying-"

"Wait, hold on." She fiddles with the arrow pendent she gave me for Christmas. "Deal with me? What do you mean?"

"That would be the part you fixate on," she says, managing to force a half-smile.

"You could just forgive me and not have to deal with anything," I suggest, tucking her hair behind her ear so I can see her beautiful eyes.

She sighs. "No."

"No?"

"That's what I said."

Okay then. But she doesn't seem like she wants to leave, so I guess that's a good sign. She's here so I'm going to try to use that to my advantage. She's talking to me, so that's always a good thing. It sucks that it's because she's upset, but I guess I'll take what I can get.

"What are you going to do?" I ask carefully. Her head his against my chest and I can't see her, so gaging a reaction isn't possible. After a minute she sighs again.

"I don't know." Carmen looks up at me, our faces quite close. "What do you think I should do?"

Tricky. Does she really want to know my opinion or does she just want me to support what she wants to do? It's always hard to say with this girl and I don't want her to leave. But this is her mother and I need to be honest.

"You really want to know?"

She nods. "Yeah, I do."

"I think you should see her again," I admit. "You don't owe her anything, but I think it'd be good for you. It's going to be hard to make up for all the years she was gone for but you deserve to have a family. It's not perfect, but it's definitely better than nothing."

"I'm going back and forth between that slapping her in the face."

I laugh and she smiles a little. "That could work, too."

"I don't know," she breathes. "I feel like either way I don't win."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, if I don't let her into my life then I'm left on my own again. If I do, then I'm the pathetic kid that lets her parent back after fifteen years of abandonment."

"Carmen, that is not true." She scoffs quietly and I put my hands on either side of her face to make her look at me. "I'm serious. You'll never be alone because I'm not going anywhere. And letting her back in doesn't make you pathetic or weak, it makes you the most amazing person on the planet."

She smiles sadly and another tear rolls down her cheek as she moves closer to me again, her arms around my waist and her face against my chest again. I can't imagine how she's feeling right now, because she's never been this affectionate with me. The circumstances suck, but I love having her so close to me.

I have no idea how long we sit like that for, but she doesn't seem to want to talk anymore. My hand runs up and down her back and her breathing slows out, her crying stopped judging by the newly dry feeling of my shirt.

"Carmen," I whisper. She sighs. "Do you want to stay here tonight?"

"I don't know."

"I'll sleep on the couch, I don't mind. But I don't want you to be alone."

"I can't ask you to do that." But her grip on me tightens so I'm not really sure how to take that.

"You didn't. I offered."

She sighs and sits up, my arm still around her shoulders, her body still facing mine. When our eyes lock my heart starts beating really fast. She just stares at me for a few minutes- at least I'm assuming that's all it was, it felt like hours for me- and slowly but surely I can feel her getting closer to me.

"Carmen," I breathe, my voice shaky. She looks up at me and my voice is lost completely. This is probably really a bad idea...

All of a sudden her arms are around my neck and her lips are on mine and my body feels frozen because I really wasn't expecting this. I want to kiss her, fuck do I ever want to kiss her, but not like this. But apparently I don't have much of a choice because despite what my mind is saying my lips are already moving with hers and I'm on my back and she's laying on top of me. And it feels so good.

But fuck, this isn't good.

This is what I wanted, though.

But not like this.

Who cares?!

"Carmen," I manage to get out. I place my hands on her shoulders and push her back a little, finally separating our lips. "Hang on."

"Why?"

"This isn't...it's not...I can't do this, not like this."

"Like what?" she asks. She sits up on my waist. "We're kissing, what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is you're upset and vulnerable and I don't want to get back together like this," I explain. She raises her eyebrows.

"Get back together? Harry, we're just kissing."

"Yeah, well, it's not just kissing to me. Not with you."

She rolls her eyes. "Come on. The other day you tried to kiss me and now you don't want to?"

"I didn't say I don't want to, but you're doing this for the wrong reasons."

"And what reasons would that be?" she asks in a challenging tone. I don't see this ending well for me.

"You...you're looking for comfort and a distraction," I say nervously. "I don't want to be your distraction, I want you to just want me. And right now-"

"Fuck, fine!" she climbs off me and sits on the edge of the bed and I can finally sit up. "I don't know any guy that would turn down some no strings attached sex, but whatever."

"Carmen-"

"It's fine," she says, holding up her hand. But it clearly is not fine.

"Okay..." I stand up and rub my hands together. "I'm going to go sleep on the couch."

"Fine," she says, not looking up at me. Great, now she's pissed! I think I was being a good guy, not taking advantage of her and doing the right thing. But I guess that was wrong?

"Okay. Let me know if you need anything." She doesn't respond so I get my phone and some sweats to change into. "Goodnight, Carmen."

She nods and picks at her fingernails. I guess I'm not getting any more words so that would be my cue to leave. When the door is closed behind me I lean against the wall next to it, closing my eyes and tugging at the roots of my hair. If I hadn't stopped that I'd be having sex right now.

Well that fucking sucks. I go downstairs anyway and get a blanket from the closet so I can sleep on the couch. We must have been in there for longer than I thought because everyone is already in their own rooms. Our couch sucks to sleep on, but I don't want Carmen to leave tonight. Plus we need to talk about what just happened.

---

Sleep seems impossible. I don't even feel tired, but I need to stop my mind from racing. And I need to stop thinking about the fact that Carmen is upstairs in my bed right now. I want to be up there with her but...no. No, I'm staying right here. Right...right here.

Fuck my life.

I turn onto my stomach and bury my face in the pillow I'm using, trying to shut my mind right the fuck up. Because I'm literally going to go insane. Carmen is so bloody confusing and I know that I haven't exactly acted perfectly, but we could both do a lot to make this so much easier. And then I could actually be up there with her instead of down here on this damn couch.

"Harry?"

I jump a little and prop myself up on my elbows. When I look around I find Carmen standing at the end of the couch, only wearing my sweater. Why. Why does she have to make this so damn difficult on me. She's trying to kill me.

"Everything okay?" I ask, sitting up so I can see her. She fiddles with her fingers and shrugs. "Carmen."

"I'm sorry," she whispers. She lets her hands fall to her sides but refuses to look at me. "I don't know why I did that."

"No, don't worry about it." I stand up and walk over to her, putting my arms around her again. "I'm not mad."

"I know it's stupid but...I was hoping..."

"What?" I prompt. She sighs and I look down at her. "Carmen, what?"

"Can you come back upstairs?" she whispers.

"I-"

"Please, I won't try anything. I just, I really don't want to be alone."

"Of course," I tell her, putting my arms around her again. She fists the back of my shirt and we just stand there for a minute. Carmen is never this vulnerable with people and I wish I could make her feel better. If this is what she needs then this is what I'll do.

When we get back upstairs she crawls into my bed as close to the wall as possible. I guess she meant in the bed with her...I assumed I'd be on the floor. But I get in next to her anyway and lay on my back staring at the ceiling. What the fuck is the protocol in this situation? I have no idea.

"Thank you," Carmen whispers. I turn my head towards her and she smiles a little.

"You know I'm here for you," I whisper back. She sighs and moves a little closer to me.

"Yeah." She closes her eyes. "I know."

Notes

oh these two.

i really shouldnt have done this but i did so oh well.

hope you like it :) i think i only got one comment last time...it makes me sad :(