Carmen's POV

There hasn't been one minute of sleep for me, not one single break from the guilt I feel from ditching Harry. I know he wanted to talk and that it needs to happen, but for some reason I just couldn't make myself go there. I stood outside his house for about a half hour before I finally started walking back to my house. He has more reason to be upset than I do and that terrifies me; he could easily break up with me if he wanted to.

3:27 a.m.

The blinding red of my alarm clock makes my eyes burn; Harry is probably asleep by now, long given up on waiting for me. I wanted to go, I really did. Harry just scares the hell out of me. I don't know how to do this. He's so sure of himself and his feelings and I'm just...not. I have no idea how to even begin having these kinds of conversations with Harry. When the times comes to actually do it I just can't.

I hold into a sitting position with there's a loud pounding coming from the front of the house. My blankets are flung from my body, Harry's sweater pulled over my head while I run to the door. I'm already awake; no need to wake any of the other girls.

"Carmen!"

The pounding continues as a deep voice yells through the door. I'm running to the door before the person can wake the whole block, and when I swing it open Harry's hand almost hits my face.

"Harry?" He sways to the side and runs his long fingers through his hair. "What the hell?"

"Carmen," he drawls, gesturing towards me. "There you are."

"Yeah...what are you doing?"

Harry's eyes are half-closed and the laziest smile I've ever seen crosses his features. He reaches out to lean against the doorframe but only grazes it with his fingers, slipping forward and falling into me.

"Woah," he laughs, my hands around his back and my body almost crumpling with his weight. He slowly stands back up, his large hands resting on my shoulders. "The door is slippery."

"Are you drunk?" I ask in a high pitch voice. His hair falls in his eyes again, despite him constantly pushing it back. He shrugs and puts his hands out to either side of his body.

"Who knows?" He points to me. "Are you?"

"No, but you definitely are" He laughs and wraps his arms around my neck, his weight leaning into me again. "What are you doing here?"

"You blew me off," he says against my hair. My hands run up and down his back in a weak attempt at comfort, mostly focused on not toppling over. "I thought you'd come. I really did. Really, really, really thought."

"Okay." He keeps his arms around me as I drag him inside, shutting and locking the door. "Come on."

"Oh, now you want to talk?" he asks. He hands his head in front of my face so it's sideways but staring right at me. "Why now? Huh? Why, Carmen?"

"Harry, quit it."

"I want to...you have to know me. Tell me. Tell me why you never wanna talk t'me."

"Shh. You're going to wake up my roommates."

"Maybe they'll tell me!"

"Shh!"

He giggles and sits on my bed, bouncing up and down a few times on the mattress. His hair is so unruly and wild, his eyes hooded and bloodshot with dark circles underneath. His black jeans have a spot on them, probably from spilling whatever he drank tonight. He's only wearing a t-shirt despite how cold it is outside. Harry looks around and then his eyes land on me, his smile lighting up at first and then transforming to a pout. He folds his arms over his chest and pouts, like the most adorable child on the planet.

"What?" I ask, standing in front of him.

"You."

"Me?"

"Yes. I think maybe we're very, very, very, very bad for each other." His voice is huskier than usual, his speech slowed by the alcohol he consumed.

"You do?"

He nods. "Because mas..."

He mumbles something incoherently and I have to try not to laugh as he does. Harry slowly lays down to the side, curling up into a ball with his curly hair sprawled across my pillow. He mutters something else and then his breathing evens out. For a moment all I can do is watch him, this beautiful boy that I'm undoubtedly in love with, the one I can't seem to hold on to because of my own stupid irrational fears.

The lights flick off before I crawl over Harry to the other side of the bed. He'll probably wake up at some point and get under the covers himself, and while I lay on my back staring at the ceiling he's all I think about. Sleep still doesn't come, and when Harry starts moving around to tuck himself under the blankets I turn onto my side towards him, Harry also shifting so he's on his side and facing me.

Harry is perfect. For me and in general. He tells me exactly what I need to hear, but not because he knows I need to hear it. He has this incredible way of calming me even when he doesn't realize that it's what I need. Laying here next to him is the safest place I could ever be; this kind of comfort and stillness is unlike anything I've experienced before and it's all because of Harry. Why is it so hard for me then? I know all of this by now but I still can't just push aside the irrational part of my brain that makes me push him away.

My fingertips lightly trail over his jaw, lifting to brush gently through his curls. There's no way I can let him slip away from me, I know that. How to prevent it is a whole other story. My old habits always kick in before I have a chance to change something. Harry is the last person that deserves the way I treat him.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I just don't know how to do this."

He sighs and his face scrunches up for a moment before all the lines fade away and the peaceful slumber he was in before returns. His hand slides across the bed and hits my stomach, then lifting to my waist and encouraging me closer. Even in his sleep he's too good for me. When my body is lined up against his he sighs again, and after a minute or two my eyes finally begin to fall closed. He's all I ever needed.

---

My body is lined in sweat when I wake up, blankets tucked tightly around me and heat from behind me providing more than a small space heater would. Things i can written near an elbow remind me that Harry slept here last night. I don't want to move or wake him up, but I feel disgusting.

"Harry?" I try to turn to see his face. "Are you awake?"

"No," he grunts. He pulls me tighter against him. "Neither are you."

"Oh," I laugh. He sighs against the back of my neck and I feel the tip of his nose against my head. I'm glad he didn't leave before I woke up; that's what I would have done. But Harry is nothing like me, thank goodness.

For a while it's just silent, and for once my brain isn't on overdrive wondering what's going to happen next. Even though we're technically fighting right now, it's nice to just be near him. There's plenty of time for us to be fighting, but I miss this. It's only been a few days, but it feels like much longer than that.

"I'm sorry," he rasps. My flingers line up with his in front of me.

"It's fine."

"No, it's not. I don't know why I did that, it's not...it was dumb."

"Drinking on a Wednesday isn't exactly unheard of for college students," I remind him. He lets out a breathy laugh and a weight lifts off my chest. He kisses the back of my head and begins getting up. "What are you doing?"

"I'll be right back, just using the facilities."

"You're a dork," I tease. He smiles and walks out of my room, and my stomach knots with nerves. Probably partially from the conversation that's inevitably coming, but also because having him so close to me does strange things to my sanity. While he's in the bathroom I quickly adjust my appearance so I don't look so much of a mess, but without being able to actually go inside the bathroom that's not very effective.

When Harry walks back in he lays down next to me again, on his side with his arm around my waist like nothing ever happened. My expression is confused times ten, and when he tries to pull me closer I can't think about anything else and the guilt from blowing him off last night overrides everything. Also, when did he take his shirt off?

"Harry, aren't you mad at me?"

He smiles, his eyes still closed. "Yeah."

What? "Umm...I'm confused." If he's upset with me then why does he look so damn happy?

He chuckles and I feel his fingers begin to play with the bottom hem of my top. "Welcome to my life. You're as confusing as they come."

"I'm sorry about last night," I whisper, fiddling with my fingers on my stomach. He sighs and lifts his head up, propping it up with his elbow bent.

"So we're going to get right into this."

"Well, I just think..." I sit up and his arm falls from my body, my legs scrambling to bring me to the edge of the bed so I can stand. "If you're going to break up with me you might as well do it now."

"Break up with you?" I walk to the centre of the room and Harry turns around again, propped up so the blankets fall down more to reveal more of this torso. "You think I'm going to break up with you?"

"Well...aren't you?"

"No, Carmen. It's just..." He sighs and moves into a sitting position, legs hanging off the bed and thankfully still covered by black denim. "It shouldn't be this hard, you and me. It seems like all I do is second guess and it shouldn't be that way."

"What do you mean?" I thought I was the only one that always questioned this.

"You're so unpredictable," he explains. "I never know how you're going to react to things and I'm always on edge waiting for you to try to push me away again. Every time I feel like we're getting to some sort of stable ground something sets you off and I'm back where I started, trying to fight for you and prove that this can work."

"This all stemmed from me not wanting to talk to my mother?" I ask, my hands folding over my chest. Harry pushes his fingers through his hair.

"No, Carmen, it's always been the problem. I want you more than you want me. I'm tired of trying to convince you that we can work."

"That's what you think? That I don't want you as much?"

He shrugs. "Seems like it. And I hate this, feeling like I'm more invested or whatever. We're always at such extremes with each other."

"We're either ignoring each other or together all the time," I realize quietly. He nods and leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees. Both of us seem tired and lacking the motivation to fix this right now as I move to sit next to him. "What do we do?"

"I thought after everything that happened in Holmes Chapel that we...that things were moving forward with us. I thought we'd moved past the uncertainty and you'd gotten to a place where you can trust me."

"I do trust you," I tell him.

"Not enough," he says quietly, sighing as he does. "You still keep things from me. You're still pushing me away."

"I can't change overnight. There isn't just a flip I can switch where the last nineteen years of my life have no impact on me. People always leave, Harry. That's the world I know and I love that you want me to change, that you make me want to trust people, but it's not that simple."

"I know." He smiles sadly and folds his hands between his legs. "I expected too much too soon."

"I'm trying," I say quietly. "I want to...I want to be with you without all of my issues getting in the way."

"I want that too."

But. There always seems to be one with us and this time I don't know how to get past it. The obstacle here is me, quite simply, but it's the biggest one there ever could be. Harry deserves what he's expecting but for me it's just too much, it's not something I can give him at this point. He has no idea how much I want to, but it's quite obvious that I'm not ready.

"Do you think...did we move too fast?" he asks quietly. "Did I do something wrong? I thought...I thought it was...that you were okay."

"I thought so too." I swallow to rid my throat of how tight it's becoming.

"I think I'm going to go," he says, pushing himself up. My eyes remain level, not willing to meet his.

"And what...what about us?" I ask quietly.

The last few months suddenly flash through my mind, every word and touch and moment with Harry dancing through my thoughts like particles of dust in the sunlight. So beautiful and confusing all at the same time; something that seems so insignificant at the time but really could change everything. Things have changed, I've changed, and I know that. But I haven't changed enough and until I'm ready for what Harry wants, for what he deserves, then maybe us being together just doesn't make sense anymore.

"I don't know," he says finally, his voice breaking. His fingers run through his hair and I can see how much I've hurt him without even trying. "It's...I don't want to..."

"I get it," I mutter, wiping tears from under my eyes while I stand up. "You don't have to say it."

"Carmen," he says softly. My hand rests on the doorknob, bringing it open. "I'm not giving up on us, it's just not...this doesn't work."

"Because of me. I know." His eyes close briefly and by the look on his face he's going to try to comfort me. That's not going to happen. "Goodbye, Harry."

"We can...we're still friends, right?" he asks, walking closer. "I don't want to lose you, not-"

"Harry, we have the same friends, we go to the same school. We're going to see each other," I say quietly, trying not to let the crying start while he's still here. "But you're going to be fine. I promise."

He smiles sadly and shrugs, his hands sliding into his pockets. "Maybe."

After a moment of just staring at each other he steps forward again, and the smell of him overwhelming every part of my brain while my whole body turns to jello. His fingertips lightly trail along my jaw and my eyes roam his face, memorizing everything like it's the last time I'll see him. It's not, I know that, but this just feels so final for some reason.

Suddenly his lips are against mine, and as fast as they're there they're gone, and so is he. My whole body feels frozen in place, one side of my mind screaming to chase after him while the other one is saying this is the way things are supposed to work out. And maybe this is a good thing.

Or maybe I let the best thing that ever happened to me slip through my fingers.

Notes

i hated that chapter. i had NO IDEA what to do and this just happened...i dont even know. noooooooo idea.

im sorry if it sucks :( i sorta have ideas now but we'll see how it goes i guess.

please tell me what you think :( if everyone hates it im going to delete it. cuz this is redonc.

wah.