Fading.

It’s funny how you didn’t notice change when it was happening. Unless you stopped one day and took a look around, and realized that everything in your world had changed, that nothing remained the same. About a year ago, I was so happy with whatever that was going on with my life – I’ve got the job I had been dreaming of, I’ve got a chivalrous boyfriend who made me see life in a new perspective, and I’ve got a group of friends that I wouldn’t think twice to consider as my family.

Today, I spent my days putting up a good facade in front of everyone, smiling when I was required to, laughing when it was necessary. And when the nighttime rolled in, my nights were spent in the arms of someone who was supposed to be the reason that I moved on, someone who was supposed to make me happy again.

I remembered how they used to tell me that if I made myself believe that I was happy, I would eventually be happy; they said mindset was the root of everything. Even so, nothing seemed to work - at least not for me.

That one decision made on the spur of the moment changed my life upside down.

“I am going to walk out of your life and allow you to heal and find someone that is worthy of you. Someone who can give you more than I can give.”

I could scarcely fathom the idea that one day I would eventually found someone that was worthy of me and could give me more when he could – he could have given me more than enough, more than one could ever ask for. I knew without a doubt that there was not a single person walking on this earth right now could love a person like he did because it wasn’t like there were millions of Harry Styles out there.

He’d ruined everybody else for me.. Or maybe he’d just ruined me.

Everyone thought I had moved on. Actually that was what I thought too. Until Harry was standing in front of me, reminding me that he was real. It was easier to lead myself to believe that I had moved on if I didn’t see him at all but that was impossible - he was literally everywhere.

Just when I thought I had moved on, he appeared in front of me, and his appearance prompted me that I could never move on from him. It was pathetic, but that’s what my life was all about – it revolved around him. Once in, there was no out.

“Sky?”

I turned my head to the left and saw that Isaac was staring carefully at me. I had to blink my eyes twice when I thought I saw Harry’s face instead of Isaac’s. His thumb that was grazing my shoulder just now had stopped moving, a concerned frown imprinted his forehead. He was talking to me and I was sucked deep into my own bubble not to pay attention to any of his words.

“Hmm?” I brought the sole of my feet up to the couch and wrapped my arms around my knees. I didn’t know if it was just I or it really was cold tonight.

“You weren’t listening, were you?” I thought I heard bitterness in his voice but bitterness and Isaac didn’t go well. He had never been bitter to me though I pretty much deserved that from him.

Whenever we communicated he always listened to me intently, whereas I had the tendency not to pay enough attention to him.

I shook my head, slapping on an innocent smile across my face – that usually worked. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m guessing you’re not coming with me to Manhattan seeing you haven’t packed anything?” He arched his eyebrow questioningly at me before he looked around the living room.

I had been dodging his question about the trip to Manhattan loads of times before by telling him that I still hadn’t made up my mind but I couldn’t avoid this question tonight. He was leaving first thing in the morning tomorrow and I couldn’t tell him that I was still thinking about it. It was a little too late for that now.

“Uh, no.” I answered simply, biting my bottom lip.

He nodded his head halfheartedly, while staring at his clasped hands and guiltiness made its way into my blood as I caught a glimpse of dejection in his deep blue eyes. He must have thought I would have given a different answer.

With his head hung low, he continued. “There’s nothing I could do that could change your mind about it, isn’t it?” I shivered involuntarily at how low and quiet his voice was. He sounded and looked so serious and.. upset - the contrast to the Isaac that I was used to.

When I thought hard about it, his question might have different meaning behind it – maybe he wasn’t referring to the trip after all. Maybe he was referring to something else.

Straightening my posture, I turned to my side until I was facing him. “Isaac..”

“No,” he cut in, waving his hand dismissively at me. “It’s alright. I get it.” He shot me a weak smile before he returned his gaze back to the TV. His jaw was clenched tightly and his eyes were hard as he tried to pretend that he was actually paying attention to what was going on with the woman in the TV show.

“Isaac,” I began again, scooting closer to him. We needed to talk about this. Sooner was better than later. “Look—“

“No, Sky. Don’t say it.” He stopped me again, shaking his head as if he already disapproved of what I was going to say next. “You know what? I’m gonna leave now.” He rubbed his palms on his jeans and got up from the couch. Shooting me a look that I couldn’t pinpoint, he said. “It’s getting late, anyway.”

I glanced over the watch that was hung on the wall; it was only 10.30 pm. He was walking away from me, no, he was running away from me.

I reluctantly got up from my couch, and followed behind him to the front door. He didn’t make a small talk like he usually did – he was completely quiet and his shoulders was slumped forward when he stepped out of my apartment. With a heavy sigh, he turned to me.

There was a myriad of emotions going through his feature at once as he looked at me but somehow it didn’t feel like he was looking at me.

“We’ll talk about it when I get back from Manhattan.” He ran his fingers through his unkempt hair; another sigh was itching to escape his lips.

I nodded my head at his request – I could do that, I could wait. He probably didn’t want to think about us when he was in Manhattan for the business trip. He probably wanted his weekend to be a problem-free weekend.

“Okay.”

“I’ll see you on Monday,” he leaned down, and then paused for a second like he was thinking if it was a good idea for him to kiss me. After what seemed like 10 seconds, he changed the direction of his lips and kissed my cheek instead. “Good night, Sky.”

When I said my world had turned upside down, I wasn’t lying. It really did turn upside down; one second, everything was fine, the next, everything was the complete opposite of fine.

Half the time I wanted to try to fix things, but the other half, I just felt like giving up because I knew I couldn’t do anything about it.

*

“Why don’t you just get back with him and get your happily ever after?” Allison asked, setting down her already empty glass. Turning to the bar, she raised her hand for another glass of beer.

I traced the brim of the glass with my fingertips, staring at the untouched beer in it. I wasn’t planning on drinking tonight although the idea sounded pretty good to me. Drinking definitely didn’t solve my problems but it did make me forget about it at least for the whole night. So I took a sip of it and sighed in relief before I remembered that Allison was waiting for an answer to her question.

“It’s not that easy, Al. Besides, I doubt happily ever after exists.”

I didn’t know how did I end up in this familiar dimly lit bar with Allison instead of being alone at 12 in the morning but what I did know was that I had to get out of my apartment before my head exploded – it had happened multiple times before so my only solution was to come here where everyone else was probably going through the same thing as I was.

After Isaac left, I just couldn’t breathe – I felt like everything I did afterwards was wrong. Even trying to go to sleep felt wrong.

She nodded, pointing her index finger at me. “Yeah you’re right.” Then she giggled before her brows puckered up in puzzlement. “I read too much romance books that I think you can fix your relationship by just making up.” She waved her hand around and sighed, “All you gotta do is admit that you fucked up and then just like that you’re back together. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.”

I sighed; I really did wish in reality – in my life especially – those things could happen. You make up and then just like nothing had happened before, everything went back to normal, as if you hadn’t just had a big row with your ex boyfriend. Harry and I had admitted that we were fucked up but still, that didn’t solve anything. As a matter of fact, look at us now. We were nowhere near to getting back together.

Suddenly it occurred to me.

Maybe Harry and I weren’t meant to get back together. Maybe we were meant to be just friends or even worse, strangers. Perhaps, that was why each time we tried to mend our fences something was bound to happen. God was going against the idea of us getting back together.

“Hey Al?”

“Yeah?” She snapped her eyes up from looking down at her feet, tilting her head to the right while looking at me questioningly.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” I inquired after clearing my throat. I didn’t know why did it take so much effort to ask that question. Perhaps I didn’t want to hear the following lovely stories about her boyfriend if the answer was yes. But I just wanted to distract my mind from thinking about how disastrous I was when it came to a relationship.

She frowned, shaking her head. “Used to have one but we broken up last summer.”

“What happened?” I rested my elbow on the wooden table, suddenly curious to find out what happened between Allison and her ex boyfriend. She never really talked about her love life, I guessed tonight would be it. It was nice to do the listening instead of talking.

She shrugged, staring at the half full glass in front of her. “It wasn’t our first break up, anyway. We broke up before but decided to give it a try again and see how it goes.” She paused to drink her beer, “And I supposed you can guess what happened next.”

I frowned. “It didn’t work?”

Allison nodded, confirming my guess. “As a matter of fact, it ended terribly. We sort of blamed each other for coming up with such stupid idea to give our relationship a try one more time.” She swigged the beer in five gulps and added, “Oh and we didn’t talk since then.”

I cringed. For some odd reasons, I pictured Harry and myself in her situation. What if we were to give our relationship a try again and it ended terribly just like Allison’s relationship? I couldn’t stomach the thoughts of Harry and I never speaking to each other again – sure it was for the best, but I didn’t like the idea of it.

When she noticed the look of horror on my face, she added hastily. “But don’t fret. You and Harry won’t turn out like us. We were never compatible; you and Harry ar- were.”

I gave her a skeptical look, not believing the words that came out of her lips. She basically didn’t know much about my relationship with Harry so how could she be so sure about it? Could she see the future? Could she predict them, at least?

Realizing how ridiculous I sounded like in my mind, I laughed.

“I don’t know much about you and him but I’m just saying, Sky.. It doesn’t hurt to give it a try. If you still love him, then what are you waiting for?”

Each time I thought of going back to Harry, a pair of deep blue eyes came into my mind. The way his dimples made an appearance when he smiled, the way he laughed, the way he looked at me, the way he absentmindedly touched me – they were all haunting me. And that was why I couldn’t do it.

“I can’t.” I closed my eyes, hunching over the table.

Allison curved her eyebrow, waiting for me to proceed while she finished her second glass of beer.

“There’s someone else in the picture. I can’t simply throw him away to appease my selfish self.” I shook my head repeatedly, trying to get the images of Isaac’s upset face out of my head.

I wasn’t sure of my feeling towards him but I knew without questions that I cared for him and I didn’t want to hurt him.

“I can’t do that to Isaac, to you.”

“If I was my sister, I’d tell you to sleep with both of them and settle with the one that is the best.” She laughed upon seeing my mortified look, yet much to my relief, she continued, “but I’m not my sister. I’d say you should follow your heart. I know it sounds cliché but that’s the best and right thing to do. Put aside the need to feel sorry at any one of them and just listen to your heart.”

“You don’t think that’s selfish?”

She shook her head; an honest smile appeared on her face. “No, it’s called putting your happiness first.”

*

Before I could stop myself, I clicked his name that appeared on my screen after staring at it for approximately five minutes and put my phone close to my ear. I waited patiently for him to pick up my call although it was late and he was probably asleep.

After the third ring, his voice answered through the phone. “Sky?”

“Um, hi.” I whispered, getting under my blanket. “I’m sorry for calling you at this hour.”

“It’s alright. What’s wrong?”

I played with the hem of my t-shirt and sighed inwardly. Why did I call him? “I just needed to talk.”

There was silence before I heard the sound of a door clicking shut. “O..kay. What do you want to talk about?”

Okay, I was just going to say it. “I was talking to my friend and.. Bennett, what do you think would happen if we give our relationship a second chance back then?”

I counted to three and he still hadn’t answered my question. I was about to tell him to forget about it when he finally spoke.

“I think you wouldn’t meet Harry and I wouldn’t meet Lauren.”

That wasn’t the answer I was looking for.

“Do you think it would turn out differently?” I inquired.

He sighed. “Maybe.. Yeah. Because we learn from mistakes, don’t we? And then we grow up from it. I think.. If we gave our relationship a second chance, we would know what to do and just, you know, try to make things work.” Even if I wasn’t there, I knew he was running his hand down his face, “I don’t make sense, do I?”

I understood him completely – if we gave us a second chance, we would work better as a pair, for we had learned from our mistakes. “You make sense, Ben.” He always did. No matter what he said, they always made sense to me.

Then the role was reversed, it was his turn to ask me a question. “Does this have something to do with you and Harry?”

I stayed silent on the line, nibbling on my bottom lip. “Y-Yeah. Maybe..”

“Go for it.” His answer was instantaneous and I wondered what did he mean by that? What was his ‘go for it’ supposed to mean?

“What?”

“You and Harry should get back together. I know it’s not my place to say this but you two need each other. I’ve seen the way you looked at him at my wedding and that’s enough to convince me that you still love him.” He paused like he was giving me an opportunity to prove him wrong but I couldn’t come up with anything to disagree with him, “Sky, I know you’re probably feeling sorry for Isaac but you’re holding yourself back from happiness. Remember how I used to tell you that you should go for what makes you happy?”


“I.. I’m moving to London,” I stated shakily, my hands were shaking too. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him although he was just sitting next to me. “I’ve got the job.”

“Really? That’s amazing, Sky!” Bennett’s cheerful voice said. “I know you’d get the job.” However upon seeing my face that was nowhere near happy or glad, his face dropped too. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t think I could do long distance relationship.” I bowed my head, letting my hair became a curtain between us. I didn’t want to see his sad face; I didn’t think I could sleep if I saw that face. “I’m sorry, Ben, but I just.. I don’t think it would work.”

When I looked up, I was surprised. Instead of putting on a sad face like I had expected, he was smiling – although it didn’t reach his eyes – which made me frowned.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

He shrugged, “I’m sad that we’re over but if this job makes you happy, then go for it. I’m not going to be an anchor and drag you down, stopping you from doing what you love.”

“You won’t?”

He chuckled softly, brushing a strand of hair away from my eyes. “No I won’t. If it makes you happy, then I’m happy for you. Always go for the things that make you happy, Sky.”

I sighed, feeling terrible that I had just broken up with him but he could still remain positive – he saw positivity in everything. “I’m sorry, Ben.”

He pulled me into his arm and kissed my head, “It’s alright, Sky. I’ll always be here for you.”


“Yeah.” I answered. I did remember how he used to tell me that I should go for what made me happy. Which brought me here. But could I apply that to my current situation?

“Don’t overthink.” He stressed out like he could read me, “If Harry is the source of your happiness, then be with him.”

“You think so?”

“Yes,” he answered without taking his time to think about my question. “Isaac’s a good man but Harry’s good for you. I’ve seen how much you’ve changed over the time, Sky. When you’re with him, you’re you.”

Being with Harry was effortless. I didn’t need to play the pretending game around him because regardless of how broken or bitter I was, he could still find a reason to like me, to love me even. He could choose someone else but he chose me to love. Still, we didn’t work out. What a shame.

And then Isaac came into the picture to mend what Harry did. He gave me all his time; he could be my hero, if only I could let go of the past. He tried to fix me, give me back the pieces that I was missing when I got my heart broken but what Isaac didn’t know was that Harry’s the part that was missing.

“I want you to be happy, Sky. With Harry, you are.”

His words echoed in my mind as I got out of my bed instinctively, put on my jacket and shoes and before I could comprehend what I was going to do, I was out of my apartment and in my car.

A chuckle rang through the phone, “I’d say you’re on your way to Harry’s?”

“It’s not a good idea?” I stepped on the brake and stopped in the middle of the road. Good thing was, there’s no car around at this hour so I wasn’t blocking the road. “Do you think I should wait?”

“No, it’s not a bad idea at all. I’m pretty sure he’s not sleeping.” He replied, sounding far too confident. “Remember Sky, don’t overthink. Call me if you need anything.”

With that being said, Bennett ended the call. I tossed my phone onto the passenger seat and continued making my way to Primrose Hill. The car ride to his house felt so much like the other night; my heart was beating so fast that I thought in a matter of seconds it would jump out of my chest.

Don’t overthink, don’t overthink, I repeated the mantra in my head all at while making my way up to his apartment.


On the rare mornings I was lucky enough to wake up next to Harry were usually spent talking lazily on bed. We didn’t like the rush to start the day because God knew how many times Harry had to rush when he was on tour.

“You’re so beautiful, do you know that?” He whispered, and I closed my eyes on instinct as his fingers brushed along my jaw, sending an earthquake of shivers across my skin from where we touched.

“No, I’m not.” I shook my head. “There are plenty of beautiful girls out there and I’m not one of them.”

His brows puckered up, his lips were set into a thin line. “Yes, you are, Sky.” He emphasized.

I shook my head again. “In this relationship, you are the beautiful one, I’m not.”

My statement appeared to upset him, for he let out a sigh and removed his fingers that was on my collarbone. “You have no idea how beautiful you are, Sky. I can barely keep my eyes off of you if you walk into a room let alone when you’re in front of me.”

I stayed silent mostly because I didn’t know what to say to him.

“Do you want to know what’s my favourite time of the day?” He suddenly asked, shifting around so he was on his side too.

Frowning at his sudden change of the topic, I shook my head but I was glad he had let go of the previous topic. “What?”

“Late at night when you’re asleep, and curled up to me. I could hear your slow even breathing which was somewhat calming and I could look at you for as long as I want because you won’t be hiding your face from me.” He smiled, reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind my ears. “You’re effortlessly beautiful, you don’t even have to try.”

I hated it when he say such words to me because his words were wonderful, and I couldn’t even come up with something that could beat him.

“Thank you, Harry.” I replied, smiling at him as he leaned down to give me a chaste kiss on the lips. “I just think-“

“Stop thinking too much, Sky. You’re beautiful. End of story.” He finalised with another tender kiss on the lips.


The door opened, revealing a sleepy looking Harry in his boxer, scratching his head as he squinted his eyes at me. I peeked through his shoulder and noticed that all of the lights were off except for the ones in the kitchen.

A whispered, “Harry…” was all the warning I gave to him before my lips were on his.

As if a tightly closed door opened under a sharp kick, I almost heard the shatter as our control broke.

I thought of how bad of an idea the kiss was for exactly three seconds before I stopped thinking all together. His tongue swept into my mouth, searching and furious and demanding; it was passion in its most raw form. If I thought he was sleepy just now, I didn’t think he was now.

His lips didn’t feel foreign at all. As a matter of fact, his kiss made me feel like we had never separated.

Whatever happened when he touched me was like a chemical reaction – molecules changing, shifting, and giving off heat.

I didn’t realize we had proceeded into his apartment until I felt the warmth tugging at my skin. I didn’t think I ever wanted to let go of him and judging the way he was clasping his hand tightly around my waist, I knew he probably had read my mind –don’t let go.

When I looked up, and there he was, perhaps even more perfect in the real life than in my dream state. He was the sun. He had always been the sun – shining and brilliant.

This was too much. I was hurting inside and out.

“I miss you,” I told my sun. “I was so stupid. And now I’ve lost the light.”

Harry didn’t say he missed me back. He didn’t say any of the things I would want from him. He ran his fingers through his tousled hair, looking at the wall behind me.

For a second I thought he was going to kick me out of his apartment for my hasty action, but when he dipped his head down and kissed my lips again, I knew we were done resisting our urge to mend the fences. We were done putting someone else’s happiness before ours. We were done pretending that we didn’t need each other. We were done pretending that we weren’t still hopelessly in love with each other.

“God Sky, what have you done to me?” He whispered.

Notes

Wow it takes longer than i expected to write this chapter although it isn't that long.
I hope you like this episode, and uh, i don't have much to say:
Tell me what you think! xx