Fading.

When I woke up, the sun was just about to make its appearance, which meant the room was still moderately dark.

I was pretty sure it was all a dream.

Last night didn’t feel like it was real at all because I didn’t think I would do that. I didn’t think I had that much courage to show up at his place, let alone kiss him. The taste of his lips felt real - too real however and so was the hold he had on my waist as we kissed. But then again, that could have been my mind having hallucinations; I had gone way too long without Harry’s touch and now I was fantasizing it.

I was also fantasizing that I was sleeping on his bed with him next to me because I could have sworn that I felt his breath fanning my neck just now.

God, I better stopped this illusion before it got out of control.

Although I was feeling drowsy, I tried to pull myself up so I could get out of my bed not Harry’s. Before I could figure out what was going on, a pair of arms that I assumed was already wrapped around my upper body pulled me back down onto the mattress and my back met his front within seconds.

Then it hit me. Last night wasn’t a dream. Everything that happened last night was real - I did showed up at his place and kissed him.

I did it.

Against my better judgment, I had gone out of my apartment in the middle of the night to profess what I really felt, what I had been meaning to say since ever. I had put aside my ego and put my happiness first.

“I was so stupid. And now I’ve lost the light.”

I turned over so I was face to face with Harry, sweeping his hair back through my fingers and smiled contentedly at his sleeping face – he really was my light. Even though he was sleeping, his hold on me didn’t loosen; it was like he didn’t want me to run away.

He should know that I wouldn’t leave, not again, for I was done running away from him. I was here to stay.

It still awed me to know that he was capable of loving a person like me with all of his heart; nobody had ever loved me as much as he did, nobody had ever told me that I was his or her happiness.

I knew beyond any doubt that he was my happiness too – forever.

I tried to conceal my laughter as I thought of the word forever. Back then I would have never thought I could love someone forever, but of course that was until Harry insinuated his way into my life. He turned my life upside down – in a good way.

“You’re awake,” he whispered as his eyes slowly fluttered open, revealing my favourite pair of eyes in the universe. Even in the darkness, I could see the lights in his mesmerizing emerald eyes.

I wondered if he had been awake before me, just waiting to see my reaction. He was probably waiting for me to regret my decision last night as he studied my face intently. His eyes moved along my face, from my eyes to my lips and back again.

Realizing that he was waiting for me to say something, I opened my mouth to speak. “I’m not running away, you know?”

His face gradually split into a genuine smile – it was the first genuine smile I had seen on his face since I’d messed up everything. It relaxed me to know that smile could still be found. That I hadn’t lost it forever.

He leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on my lips. Then he murmured softly, “I’m glad.” He kissed my lips once and before any of us could deepen the kiss, he pulled away slightly to look me in the eyes, “God, you have no idea how happy I am to hear that, Sky. I love you.”

The honesty and passion in his eyes brought tears into my eyes. How was I supposed to live without him, someday? How could I deny my feeling towards him for months? How could I trick myself into believing that I could love someone else as much as I loved him?

He’d ruined me, he definitely had ruined me but I didn’t mind.

With one of his hands on my cheek and the other one on my side, he pulled me closer until our fronts met each other and our lips touched again. This time, his kiss was slower but there was that eager edge in it too, which was something new. Harry tilted his head to one side so he could deepen the kiss and the hand that was on my side slipped under my t-shirt. I nearly moaned at the contrast of our temperature – his hand was warm whereas my body was cold.

I had to pull away because we still needed to do some talking. So, that’s what I did – no matter how hard it was to break the kiss, I eventually did.

“Sorry,” I mumbled breathily as I backed away from him.

Still breathing heavily, Harry shook his head. “Don’t be sorry. Just be honest, we at least owe that to each other.”

“I know,” I buried my face in the curve of his neck, breathing in the scent of him. “I love you, too, Harry. I’m not sure I ever stopped.”

His entire body seemed to sigh against me as he ran a hand over my hair, kissing my head every now and then. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank God.”

Tears filled my eyes again and I didn’t care. I wanted to cry. I was happy. I was loved.

“Don’t cry,” he said, hooking his finger under my chin and tilted my head up until he could see my face clearly. Then he began to kiss each tear from my face. “I can’t stand it when you cry. Please, don’t cry.”

I nodded, trying to stop the tears from strolling down my cheeks. It was difficult. My chest swelled up with unspoken emotions and I didn’t know how to express it. “You love me,” I managed to say, smiling.

Harry pulled back enough to look at me, his brows furrowed. “Sky. That should have never been a question in your mind. You should have known that. If you didn’t know that you had my soul, then I’m doing something wrong.”

I reached up and grabbed his face and kissed him. With everything I had, I kissed him. I didn’t have the words to make any of this right. So I showed him how I felt. How much he meant to me. His arms wrapped around me and he met each stroke of my tongue with his own.

We laid there savoring and indulging in each other. It was perfect; I was home.

*

“I think it’s best for us if we just stay in,” Harry said, walking into the living room with two cups in one hand since the other hand was occupied with snacks – loads of them.

It was difficult to get out of Harry’s comfortable and warm bed just now, seeing the weather was dark and it was the kind of day that people usually spent on bed but we eventually did when my stomach started making an embarrassing noise.

“Get up,” he stood up and offered me his hand. “I’m not sure what I have in the kitchen but I think I have loads of snacks.”

Smiling, I accepted his hand and got out of his bed, my feet immediately met the cold floor. “Snacks for breakfast? Rebel.”

His smile was cheeky as he ushered me into the bathroom. “Shut up, Sky.”

When I got into his bathroom this morning, I realized that he had one spare toothbrush and he also had my toiletries in there – it was like I had never left this apartment at all. Every time I turned around, there was a trace of me in this place whether it was insignificant or not.

Like in the bedroom, he had my favourite pillows lined up on his bed although he didn’t like them that much; like in the living room, there was a couple pictures of us hung on the wall; and like in the kitchen, he had my favourite snacks kept in the fridge and drawer even though he didn’t eat some of them.

“Harry, why do you have my shampoo and shower gel in here?” I asked, glancing over my shoulder.

“So I would feel that you’re actually here.” He answered nonchalantly, shrugging and giving me a towel so I could get showered. “You can wear whatever you want in the closet.” He said once more, winked and closed the door to give me some privacy.

“What are you smiling at?” Harry’s amused tone brought me out of my trance and back into the moment. He handed me one of the cups – my favourite one of his – while he took a sip of his hot tea, not taking his gaze off of me.

I’ve always liked the way he paid full attention to me when I talked. For some odd reasons, he made me feel important.

I shrugged, feigning innocence although I knew he wouldn’t believe me. “Nothing.”

“Nothing?” He shook his head as he set his cup down onto the coffee table and propped his feet up on it. Smirking, he added. “Why were you smiling like an idiot just now?”

After the talk we had earlier this morning, I noticed that it had became easier for us to communicate with each other without falling into awkward silence every now and then. It was as if we had silently agreed to put everything behind us and focused on what was going to happen in the future.

Future. That word frightened me just the way love used to frighten me. I couldn’t help but wonder what did the future had in store for me, for us. And for Isaac. What was I going to say to him? God, he was going to hate me for the rest of his life.

“Hey, if you don’t want to talk about it.. It’s okay.” Harry said cautiously when he noticed my expression had changed. “We can just watch a movie and avoid talking.” He suggested.

I shook my head; I wasn’t going to ruin this moment we had just by overthinking, just by entertaining my mind that didn’t seem to know when to shut up.

“It’s fine.” I said, offering him a smile, which turned out to be a weak one. His frown deepened and he scooted closer to me, studying my face.

“What is it?”

“It’s just.. I’ve been terrible to you. And I’m so, so sorry.” And I’ve been terrible to Isaac too, but I wasn’t going to say that.

Harry brought one of his hands up to caress my cheek and I leaned into his palm instinctively, feeling the warmth of his skin against mine. “It’s not just you; it’s me too. Let’s just put that aside, is that okay with you?” He spoke to me with such carefulness and my heart was bursting with an emotion I couldn’t pinpoint.

Reluctantly, I nodded and he dropped his hand down to my knee, squeezing it gently. Then he kissed my forehead, whispering words like ‘it’s going to be alright’ ‘we’ll be fine’.

And I believed him because: one, he had never lied to me or anyone in my concern and two, I loved him – so much.

“You’re not going to answer that?” I asked when I heard his phone rang for the third times. Harry had continuously ignored the calls, not wanting to entertain whoever it was on the line. A part of me was glad he did that, but another part of me wanted to know who was calling him.

After some time, his phone stopped ringing but soon enough it was followed by the sound of someone banging the door persistently.

“I know you’re in there, Harry!” The bang on the door continued, “I heard your phone ringing!”

It was Louis.

“Fuck,” Harry hissed in annoyance, standing up from the couch. He turned to me and sighed, “He’s probably here to check on me. If you’re not ready to meet him, you can go to my room. I’ll try to make him leave as soon as possible.”

I stood up from the couch as well, taking my cup of coffee with me as I had chosen to stay in his room rather than facing Louis. I wasn’t ready to meet him again - well at least not until I had settled everything with Isaac.

“I’m sorry,” Harry whispered before he walked down the hallway to reach for the door.

I stepped into his room and closed the door behind me, careful not to make any noise.

“Why didn’t you answer my calls?” Louis’ booming voice came into the house and I could only assume that he was already in the living room.

“I was sleeping.” Harry answered simply.

After a couple seconds of silence, Louis finally spoke again to point out Harry’s lies, which happened to be one of his good qualities. “Bullshit, you weren’t sleeping. Tell me, what are you doing?”

As Harry racked his brain to come up with a response, I decided not to eavesdrop. Instead, I walked around his room to distinguish if he had added anything new in this room in which he had. There was a new scented candle on his nightstand but what caught my eyes was the hard copy of the boys’ unreleased album.

I crossed the room to pick up the album and sit on the edge of his bed. While I was reading the title of the songs, I couldn’t help but be curious about which song did he write for me, about me. Then I flipped the next page of the small booklet and read their ‘thank you’s.

Finally, Skylar: I’m sorry if some of these songs made you cry, but they made me cry too - writing and singing them in the booth. We had a rough ride when it ended but I am glad for the amazing times we spent together. You will always be an amazing and special person to me. Thank you to you and your family for making me feel welcome. H .xx

As soon as I had finished reading it, the door opened and Harry perked his head through the slightly cracked door to find me. His eyes went down to the album that was in my hand and they widened for a split second.

“You found it,” he said as he stepped into his room, leaving the door open, which meant Louis had left.

I nodded, waving the album in front of me before I put it down. “Yeah.”

“You & I and Happily,” he suddenly said, rocking on his heels as his hands drifted into the pockets of his jeans. Upon detecting the confused expression I had on my face, he cleared his throat and added, “That’s the songs about.. us.”

I could almost feel the weight of silence burdening my shoulders if we continued this conversation so I changed the topic rather abruptly. “So, Louis..?”

Harry scratched the back of his neck, standing in that slightly pigeon toed stance. “Right, Louis.. He was just checking up on me to see if I’ve got plans or anything.” He shrugged, making his way back to the door. “You can come out now if you want.”

I stood up from his bed and followed him into the living room where he stood in front of the DVD shelf, searching for the right movie to watch.

“Do you have any particular movie that you want to watch?” He asked, glancing over his shoulder.

I shook my head, taking a seat on his couch and bringing the sole of my feet up as I watched Harry’s back muscles flexed under the t-shirt he was wearing.

Looking at the shelf of DVDs reminded me of the day when I officially lost my mind. Come to think of it, I couldn’t believe that I had actually alphabetized every DVD or CD that I found in my parents’ house.

“Tristan said I was losing it.” I suddenly said, resting my chin on my knees.

Harry inserted the DVD he had picked into the DVD player and strolled back to the couch, taking up the empty seat next to me. “What do you mean ‘losing it’?”

“Few days after we broke up, I sort of, uh.. you know, lost my mind. I alphabetized everything in the house, I colour-coded everyone’s closets and Tristan had to drench me in water to stop me.” When I turned to look at Harry, he was looking at me with a hard look on his face. “Then my Mum had to push me into the bathroom to take shower so I could calm down.”

I was expecting a ‘that bad, huh?’ or a ‘wow’ but he continued to look at me. But this time his face was etched with a pained expression. “I didn’t know that,” he finally said.

“Of course you didn’t. Nobody told you that.” I replied quietly.

“It’s not about that.. it’s just, I didn’t know my rash decision caused you.. that.” I could see in his eyes that he had a lot more to say but he stopped himself, shaking his head. “I was so selfish.”

“No you’re not. You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever met.” I admitted, placing a hand on top of his and squeezing it so he would look at me. After a bit, he looked up at me through his lashes, a debate in his eyes – he wanted to point me wrong but he wanted to hear me talk too. “Yes, it was a rash decision but no, you’re not selfish. You’re not real, Harry.”

His brows puckered up in confusion, trying to understand what I really meant.

“I’ve never met anyone with a heart like yours. When you love someone or something, you love them with all your heart, Harry. Nobody could do that, I couldn’t do that.” I explained. His eyes lingered on my lips as I spoke then I added in an undertone, “You’ve ruined everybody else for me.”

I managed to give him a smile although my bottom lip was quivering. This conversation was overdue – we should have had this talk long ago.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was thick with emotion as he spoke; he looked at anywhere but me. “You deserved better. I should have let you go but I’m too selfish to do that. I want you all to myself.”

“You have no idea, don’t you, Harry?” I asked. I was getting bored of this nonsensical logic of his – he didn’t give himself enough credit. I thought I had proven to him that there was no one better than him. “You are better – those people out there, they got nothing on you. You’re the one who deserved better, not me because you’re perfect and I don’t deserve you.”

My voice eventually cracked at the end and I concealed it by clearing my throat, hoping that he didn’t hear that.

“Sad, isn’t it?” I added feebly.

Harry looked at me, his brows descended, frowning. He opened his mouth to speak but I quickly picked the remote control from the coffee table and turned up the volume so we didn’t have to carry on with this conversation.

“Come here,” he opened his arm, urging me to come closer.

I let myself be afraid for a second, but then the need to touch him overpowered even my fear. I pushed the pillow out of my lap, and slid toward him. He closed his eyes, and the simple touch soaked into my body, soothing my anxiety.

“This is why we belong together, Sky. We think we don’t deserve each other hence we constantly tried to be the best.” He let his words hung in the air but I completely understood it.

“You’re right.”

Like a key into a lock, my body fell into his, fitting perfectly. With my head on his chest, and his arm around my shoulder, I took a deep breath and knew there was no going back. This was what I wanted.

*

The day consisted of movies, snacks and countless cups of coffee for me, tea for Harry. However somewhere along the line – probably when we were watching the fourth movie – I fell asleep on Harry’s lap while he was aimlessly playing with my hair.

“What?! Yeah… She’s with me… All right… I’ll tell her that.. Okay thanks.”

By the time Harry had ended the call, I was wide awake. Removing my head from his lap, I looked at him through my squinted eyes and asked, “Who’s that?”

Harry let out a deep sigh like he had been holding it back for a long time. Something told me that what I was about to hear wasn’t a good news.

“Harry…”

“Bennett.” He stood up from the couch, pulling me up with him as well and I nearly stumbled if he didn’t put his hand on my waist. “He tried to call you but it went to your mailbox-“

“Right, of course.. I left it in my car.. What happened?” I asked, stepping away from Harry who seemed nervous about something. “What did he tell you?”

“Daisy’s in the hospital.” He said, walking toward his room, “we’re going there now. Let me grab some stuffs first.”

Those simple four words stunned me. I stopped breathing for approximately 10 seconds before Harry came back to me with a car key in one hand and a hoodie in another.

“Put this on. It’s getting cold out there.”

I complied and followed him out of his apartment. He clicked the down button for the elevator and interlaced our fingers before we stepped into the empty elevator. “She’s going to be okay,” he assured, squeezing my hand tenderly. The next thing I knew, I was in Harry’s car as he drove as fast as he could to reach the hospital.

Once we were there, the first person that I saw was Bennett. He was pacing back and forth, checking his phone every five seconds. When he caught me from the corner of his eyes, he stopped pacing and walked toward me, pulling me into his arms.

“W-What happened?” My voice was shaky as I asked the question. I hated hospital; it was a horrible place to be in. “Bennett?”

He pulled away from me, casting Harry a grateful glance. “Thanks, man.”

“Bennett, answer me.” I persisted.

“I.. We don’t know. They’re still checking on her. She had this.. pregnancy complication.” He ran his hand down his face; his eyes were red from the lack of sleep.

Looking around, I hadn’t seen Ben at all. “Where’s Ben?”

“He’s talking to the doctor. God.. I hope she’s fine.”

“She’s going to be.” Harry insisted, taking my hand in his when he noticed I was faintly shaking. He pulled me closer to his side, wrapping his arm around my shoulder to keep me warm in this cold hospital. His touch somewhat calmed my nerves so I leaned closer.

“Yeah, you’re right. She’s going to be.” Bennett confirmed more to himself rather than to us. Daisy had been in a large part of his life and so was mine, thus this news stunned us equally. “I’m going to get some coffee, do you want some?” He offered, checking his phone for something.

Both Harry and I politely turned down his offer and Bennett walked away, heading to the hospital’s cafeteria.

As soon as he was out of sight, I sighed. “I’m scared.”

“She’s going to be fine.” He assured me one more time as he ran his hand up and down my arm, leading me to the waiting room.

There were very few people in the waiting room since it was getting quite late; most of them were engaged with their mobiles, which caused the room to be eerily quiet.

“You can lie down if you want to.”

I shook my head; I didn’t think I could sleep unless someone had reassured me that Daisy was indeed fine.

Harry took his phone out of his pocket and composed a text message to someone.

After a while, Ben walked in, looking completely exhausted as if he hadn’t gotten a sleep at all. He walked up to me with his hands clasped behind his head; he seemed to be on edge.

“She was bleeding heavily.” He stated, not leaving his gaze that was fixed on the wall behind me. “I swear to God I thought I was going to lose both of them..”

“But?” I was pretty sure there was a ‘but’ – there had to be a ‘but’. Daisy couldn’t lose her baby, whereas I couldn’t lose Daisy, my one and only best friend. Either way, both of them had to be saved.

“The doctor said it was a placental abruption.” He paused, trying to remember what he had been told. “Which occurs when the placenta separated from the uterus lining-“

“I don’t want to know that, I want to know what happened to them.” I bellowed, attracting a number of people’s attentions in the room. Harry ran his hand on my back, whispering comforting words in my ear but I couldn’t pay attention to any of those.

“It was either Daisy or the baby..” He paused rather dramatically before he added, “and I chose her.”

“What?! You can’t do that to Daisy!” I got up from the chair, standing in front of Ben who immediately coiled away from me. I didn’t care if people were looking at us now; I was so mad that I couldn’t form a coherent thought.

“It was either Daisy or the baby for fuck’s sake. I can’t lose her, I love her!” he shouted back, and I was taken aback by what he had just told me. He loved her. But that didn’t give him the chance to give up on the baby – Daisy loved her baby. This news was going to shatter her.

“Relax baby, if I were him I would have done the same.” Harry said from behind me, placing one of his hands on my shoulder.

Ben’s eyes darted from me to Harry then to his hand on my shoulder, finally acknowledging his presence in this small room. “Why are you here with him?”

I glanced over my shoulder to look at Harry who didn’t seem offended at all by his harsh and unfriendly tone. He was focusing on me instead.

“You’re going to crush Isaac.” He added in a murmur but I heard it. “He’s on his way here, by the way. So if you don’t want to break his heart tonight, tell that boy of yours to leave now.” He directed at me so Harry wouldn’t have heard him.

I considered on doing what he told me to do – I was going to make up a reason for Harry to leave me here and come back later but it was all a little too late.

Isaac walked into the waiting room, his eyes wandered around until they landed on his cousin and I. He didn’t look different except for his deep blue eyes that appeared more tired than usual and his pace toward us was slower second by second.

“How is she?” He asked, stopping a few feet away from us. I couldn’t perceive whom he was talking to because he wasn’t looking at either one of us; his eyes were fixated on a poster behind Ben.

There were two things that I realized shortly after that. One: Isaac was actually avoiding my gaze and two: Harry had detached his hand from my shoulder.

Notes

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