Fading.

I was drowning in a sea of despair and pain as waves of regret kept pulling me down.

Few minutes after Harry had left me in utter shock, I found myself staring at my phone that was sitting on the coffee table for a long time. Why? I hadn’t a clue.

I knew that it was pointless of me to be waiting for something that would not come back, something that would likely not happen. Harry had made it very clear that he was done – done with me and there was no one except myself to blame. If only I had opened up to him, I wouldn’t be feeling weary and hopeless right now. I wouldn’t be digging through my fridge for a bottle of beer that I had kept from myself to keep myself companied.

This cycle was taking its toll on me and I felt worn out. I continued on telling myself that everything that happened was out of my control but the tiny voice in my mind told me that I could have changed it, that I could have stopped this cycle if I would have just said what I really felt to Harry instead of lying. For a start, I should have just told him how much I missed him because he needed to know that I wasn’t as strong as he and I thought.

However there was no use crying over spilled milk.

After my blood had turned into alcohol, I was no longer in a stew. I had my bare feet propped up on the coffee table as I watched the TV though I had no idea what I was watching. When the people in it laughed, I laughed but groaned when my bottle was empty. I was so absorbed in the show that I didn’t realize Daisy was in my apartment.

“What the hell is going on?” She asked, that shrill voice of hers made me cringe. Bending down, she picked up the empty bottle and sniffed it, crinkled her nose when she realized it was beer. “You’ve barely been through half of the day and you’re already drunk. What happened?”

I lolled my head to the right and Daisy was already looking at me, waiting not so patiently for my answer. I had two options: I could lie to the only person that had never judged me for my stupidity or I could tell her the truth and let her have a say on what the hell was wrong with me.

I chose the latter because I figured if I wanted to start telling the truth, I better start now.

“Harry was done with me.”

Her confusion clearly showed on her face, causing a frown. “What do you mean by that?”

“He’d been trying his best to fix everything so we could go back to the way we were but all I did was push him away. And now he was done trying, he was completely done with me. I’m such a fool, Daisy.” I waited for her to tell me that indeed I was a fool but she remained silent, an attentive frown appeared on her forehead, waiting for me to continue. “I wanted him back, so badly even. But I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.”

“You’re scared, that’s what the hell is wrong with you.” Daisy said as if she had known the answer from the beginning. “We’ve been friends for a long time, Sky. I was there when you and Bennett broke up; I saw how badly it crushed you and when Harry came, he healed you.” A smile appeared on her face like she was reminiscing something, “but no matter how happy you were when Harry’s around, I could see that you’re somehow still guarded. You’re always scared, Sky.”

She was right, as usual.

No matter how happy I was when Harry was around, a minor part of me would still feel the need to be guarded – I was constantly scared, like Daisy said. When he kissed me, even with full of passion, I was scared; I was scared that one day I wouldn’t be able to feel his lips on mine again, to taste that sinful lips of his. When he made love to me, I was scared that in the future, another girl would be able to see and know how vulnerable he was but she wouldn’t appreciate it as much as I did.

As I was lost in my own memory, Daisy went to get two bottles of water from the kitchen. “Here,” she handed one of it to me after she had cracked the water bottle open.

I took a long swig of the cold water, feeling like someone had just woken me up from a bad dream.

After what felt like an hour of silence, Daisy patted my knees. “It’s not your faults, Sky. Don’t be too hard on yourself.” She smiled slightly, her hand was still on my knees, “and I know I’m not whom you should listen to about this because I’m no expert but when it comes to a relationship, when something happened, the blame fall on both side.” She removed her hand from my knee, “so you and Harry need to find a time to sit down and talk it out because from the way I see it, your relationship is tangled; both of you aren’t completely done with each other. You need to say everything you felt – speak just the truth – and he needed to listen. Then, reverse the role.”

Everything she said and suggested made sense but it was too late.

“I really liked the two of you together, heck, I even ‘shipped’ you and Harry.” She laughed which caused me to join her too, “but if you’re not meant to be together, I guess I have to change my ship then and you have to move on. Preferably with Isaac.”

I felt sober now that Daisy was done talking. I was sure that everything she said today would remain in my mind for a long time, for a lifetime, even.

Taking her hand that wasn’t on her belly, I grasped it tight. “Thank you, D.”

“Hey, you would do and say the same thing, wouldn’t you?” I nodded. “I love you, Sky and I want you to be happy, with or without Harry. You’re a wonderful person, remember that.” She whispered the last part as she gave me a hug before she stood up and went to the front door. “Oh by the way, Isaac texted you.”

I grabbed my phone from the coffee table and sure enough, there was a text from him. Smiling, I thanked my best friend again then I read the text.

What a silly person I am to forget one of the most important things last night: ur number. Lunch, tomorrow?

I didn’t hesitate to reply.

Sounds nice, sure.

*

Since the lunch date I had with Isaac on Monday, we began to talk with each other more often. He would either text or call me at an appropriate time, mostly during lunch break since that was when he was free too. He had been nothing but wonderful and I appreciated the fact that he had never once made me feel awkward. Talking or texting with him put me at ease like we had known each other for so long.

Isaac might have filled in the vacant space in my heart but there would come a time when I would wonder what had he been doing or if he was fine. I wondered if he went through his day without a hitch, if he hadn’t thought of me not even once since he stepped out of my apartment. But as soon as the thoughts of Harry invaded my mind, I pushed them away into the back of my mind.

“So, you’re leaving to the wedding tomorrow morning?”

I put down the handful of letters on the coffee table and sat on the couch, “yeah, they have booked plenty of rooms for family and friends so I’ll be staying there for two nights.”

“That sounds nice,” he said.

I had politely declined the offer to stay the night before and after the wedding at the hotel and told them that I wouldn’t mind driving from my house to the hotel but Bennett had already booked one room for me. I wanted Daisy to come stay with me but she had already invited Ben to the wedding so they would be going to the wedding together.

“You know what? I do think it sounds nice too.” I paused as his chuckle filled the line, “What?”

“You weren’t thrilled about it the other day.”

Of course I wasn’t thrilled about it because it was Bennett’s wedding day. The guy that I was in love with back then but Isaac didn’t know about it.

“Yeah, but I am now.” I rolled my eyes like he could see me.

“Somehow, I think you have just rolled your eyes at me just now.”

“No I did not,” I suppressed my giggle and continued, “anyway, you’re coming?”

There was a silence from the other line like he was thinking of his response. I had invited him to the wedding on the day we went for a lunch together and he said he’d think of it. “If you wanted me to be there then yeah.”

“Of course I want you to be there,” I scoffed though I was relieved that he was not rejecting my invitation.

I leaned forward and took one of the letters from the coffee table. It had my address on it but it wasn’t for me – it was for Harry. My fingers froze on his name and I wondered how did it get here.

“Okay, I’ll be there.” When I didn’t say anything else, Isaac continued talking, “besides, I heard Daisy and Ben would be there so I’ll go with them.”

I couldn’t talk as my eyes were trained on the letter.

“Sky?”

Isaac’s voice interrupted my whirling thought and I put down the letter. It wasn’t mine and I shouldn’t open it. “Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll see you there?”

“Yes, I’ll see you there.”

We bid goodbyes and I set my phone aside, wondering what the hell should I do with Harry’s letter.

*

“I was so convinced that you wouldn’t have agreed to be my bridesmaid.”

I turned away from the long mirror and smiled at Lauren who was sitting on a white chair, two women were working on her hair and face. It was her special day and people once told me that on this day, the bride would glow. When I looked at her, I realized that they were right – she really was glowing. There was a positive vibe radiating from her and everyone in the room seemed to be in a good mood, including me.

“Why?” I asked.

She bit her bottom lip and I knew what her answer was – it was because I was Bennett’s ex girlfriend and she assumed I wouldn’t be okay about it. Granted, if she asked me to be her bridesmaid two or three years ago, I would have not agreed but things had changed, Bennett and I remained good friends after the break up and I would do anything for him. And for Lauren too, apparently.

When she noticed that I understood what her point was, she continued. “Anyway, I’m so happy when Bennett told me you agreed to be my bridesmaid. You see, I don’t have many friends and most of them are either busy today or they’re pregnant so they didn’t want to be my bridesmaid which is why I thought of you.”

I smiled slightly and sat on the empty chair next to her. Soon, a younger woman came up to me to style my hair like Lauren’s sister. “What about your cousins?”

Lauren grimaced. Lisa who was sitting on a chair in front of the mirror grimaced too. “We aren’t on a good term with our cousins.”

I nodded, not wanting to go further into the topic so I wouldn’t be seen like a busybody. Whatever happened between them in the past wasn’t my business.

“Well, I’m happy to be your bridesmaid.”

She took my hand in hers and squeezed it. “Thank you.” I looked into her eyes and saw the gratitude in it. Releasing my hand, her smile widened, “So, will Isaac be here today?”

Both Lauren and Bennett had known about Isaac since they found out that I had a date with him. Bennett said that he might have met Isaac’s father before in a business convention and said that Mr Miller was a well-known man in the business industry.

Lauren on the other hand was eager to meet him and when I told her that he was coming, she was probably even more excited than I was.

“If I’m not marrying you, I’d be jealous.” That was what Bennett said to her as he kissed the top of her head. Lauren and I rolled our eyes because we knew Bennett wasn’t a jealous type of man unless it was necessary.

“Yeah, he will.” I smiled.

“I can’t wait to see her. Oh, and you better keep Lisa away from him.”

Lisa let out a snicker. “I’m not that much of a bitch.”

“Yeah right, remember when you had a crush on Jeremy?”

I watched in fascination as the siblings continued to bicker. Tristan and I had never bicker about boys; he would always turn into a protective brother mode whenever he found out that I had been hanging out with boys from my school hence I kept it as a secret. However there was once when he found about it and waited outside my class just to meet my friends and told them not to mess with me. Since then, I had pretty much stayed away from boys and hung out with them only when there were another girls.

“You okay, Sky?” Lauren asked when she was done bickering with her little sister.

I nodded, “yeah, just thinking about my brother.”

Lisa’s ears perked up, her eyes were full of curiosity and interest. “You have a brother?”

“He’s married.”

Lauren burst into loud laughter, giving me a thumb up and I smiled. “Sorry, pet. You have to find someone your age.”

Lisa rolled her eyes at her sister and ignored her remark as she walked around the room searching for her pair of heels.

“Are you girls ready?” An older version of Lauren and Lisa came into the room but stopped when she saw the bride. Her lips quivered as she watched her older daughter in front of her. “You look beautiful, Lo.” Her brown eyes glistened with unshed tears and Lisa stood next to her mother, looking at her older sister.

Suddenly I felt like I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t interrupt this intimate moment they had with one another but when Lisa turned to me, smiling, I knew that I was welcomed in the room.

Smiling sheepishly, she stood up from the chair when the women told her that she was done. “Thank you, mum.”

Pulling her daughter into her arms, she planted a kiss on her cheek, careful not to ruin her makeup. “Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re getting married.”

“Me too.” Lauren gushed, excitement twinkled in her brown eyes that matched her mother’s and sister’s.

Dabbing her eyes with a tissue, she sniffed. “Come on, your father’s waiting outside and Bennett seems eager too.”

As Lauren took a deep breath, I did the same.

*

The photographer seemed to acquire enjoyment from other thing besides snapping pictures such as making the wedding party pose outside in the cold. Luckily, my role was over sooner than everyone else and I could get away which was a relief since I didn’t know any of them. As the bride and groom were whisked away for more photos, the rest of the wedding party headed into the club and out of the chilly air.

As I walked into the club and took a glass of cocktail, I started thinking about the wedding reception just now. The whole time I was walking down the aisle, I could feel everyone’s eyes on me like they were questioning whom the hell I was, why was I here and where did Lauren find me. But fortunately, no one shouted that questions to me. They were all smiling when I had reached the altar and stood on the left, holding the white roses rather awkwardly.

Before I could walk away from the open bar, a hand caught me. “You look gorgeous,” a voice whispered in my ear and I instantly knew who it belonged to.

Turning around, I was faced with Isaac who was wearing a suit and was smiling down at me. He stood at least few feet taller than me although I was wearing a pair of heels. His hair styled in perfection like usual, and his dimples made a welcomed appearance on both side of his cheeks.

“Though I think I might have caught you sweating.” He arched his eyebrow at me, obviously taking his chance to tease me since he knew I was nervous about walking down the aisle. Smacking his arms lightly, I rolled my eyes, which caused him to add, “That was a joke, of course.”

“Nice save,” I pointed out, taking a sip of the cocktail. Isaac took one glass of champagne and took a sip of it.

“You were perfect.” He said, his eyes not leaving mine.

Suddenly nervous from both of his compliment and stare, I muttered a thank you.

“Still not used to getting compliments, I see.” He chuckled and I gave him a shrug as I looked around the club.

There were some people in this club that I knew, such as Bennett’s old friends that I had met before. But other than that, I knew no one, which made it awkward. I felt out of place like once again I shouldn’t be here. However when I looked at Isaac, he looked like he knew everyone. He could converse with anyone he wanted pretty well like he was born to do this. Maybe he was.

Catching me staring at him put a slight quirk in his mouth. “What?” He asked, amusement was clear in his deep voice.

I shook my head, “Nothing.” I took another sip of my drink to ease down the nervousness. “You look like you belong in this place.”

“And you don’t?” He asked, completely confused. There were so many things that he hadn’t known about me and I’d like to keep it that way. Or he’d run away from me.

“Not at all. I don’t even know half of these people here.” I cried out. “I knew you, Daisy and Ben whom I haven’t met yet and Bennett and Lauren. And Lisa,” I stopped before I added their parents. “The point is, I wasn’t supposed to be here.”

Chuckling, Isaac bent down so his lips were next to my ear then he whispered in a voice that could have melted every girl in this room. “I know one thing for sure. You see, there’s this group of men gawking over you. They’re thanking the lord for bringing you here.” He straightened his posture, a satisfied smirk plastered on his face and I knew it was because of the flush he caused to appear on my face. “And right now they’re giving me a murderous look because I’m standing dangerously close to you.”

I turned around and true to his words, there really was a group of men looking at us. One of them had his eyes on Isaac; his eyes flashed with something that looked like he was angry. Angry that Isaac was talking to me.

Turning around, my lips curved into a smile as I took a step closer to him. “What if I say I don’t care?”

“Then I’m glad you don’t.” Isaac put down his glass and tucked a strand of hair that fell down in front of my eyes behind my ear, smiling when he realized he had caught me by surprise. “I mean it, Sky, you do look gorgeous.”

Sucking in a deep breath, I replied, “You look dapper in your suit.” He let out a chuckle like what I had just told him was a joke. But I didn’t care because I like his chuckle – I liked the sound of it. I liked how it could put a smile on my face so effortlessly.

“Sky!”

Snapping into reality, I backed away from Isaac; I turned around to see that Lauren and Bennett were coming towards us. Her smile was big as she waved excitedly, her eyes darting from Isaac to me then she pulled me in for a hug when she was in front of me.

“Isaac?”

“That’s me.” He said rather charmingly. “You look wonderful. Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” she blushed, still new to his charm. “I’ve heard lots about you from Sky.”

Isaac looked at me, the corner of his lips turned upwards, “Is that so?”

Bennett stood next to his wife, his arm secured on her waist. “Isaac.” He shook hand with him and smiled.

“Ah, Bennett. I believed my dad talked about you before.”

Smiling, he nodded. “Yes, I’ve met him several times before. How’s he doing?”

“Brilliant.”

The guys exchanged a few words as Lauren looked at me; her eyes suddenly screamed that she was worried about something.

“What’s wrong?”

“Bennett may or may not have invited Harry to this wedding and he may or may not have just walked in.” She said, biting her bottom lip.

Almost immediately, I turned around but I saw no one that resembled Harry. My eyes wandered around the club to find him but I failed. Maybe Lauren had seen someone that looked like Harry and assumed it was him when it was somebody else.

“Are you okay?” Isaac asked, pulling me closer to his side, his hand brushing up and down my arm to keep me warm.

I nodded and returned my attention back to him, smiling at him to assure that I was okay. “I’m fine.”

Isaac looked at me, searching for another answer but when he didn't find any, he gave up.

Bennett looked at me like he knew what I had in mind then a sad smile ghosted his face, confirming the fact that he did invite Harry to his wedding but he didn't know if he would make an appearance or not.

Music started playing in the background and a man called out Bennett and Lauren’s name, saving all of us from talking about it.

*

“He’s my friend.”

“No, he’s not.” Bennett and I moved, swaying easily to the calm music. Lauren had told me that she wanted the DJ to play only slow songs during the dance hence everyone was slow dancing right now.

“I want him here.” He said firmly.

“Why?” I cried out, receiving looks from people dancing around us.

“I know everything that happened between the two of you,” he pointed out.

Eyes widened, I asked, “How?”

His eyes immediately went to the person dancing next to us, and I caught a sight of Daisy tipping her head back laughing as Ben held her tightly in his arms. The way they moved showed that they had danced together a lot of times before.

“Daisy?”

Bennett nodded. “Yeah, we still talk, you know?” I was surprised that Daisy went behind my back and told Bennett everything that happened between Harry and I. “Hey, don’t blame her. I asked, she answered.”

“I can’t believe it.” I shook my head. “The two of you discussed about my love life behind my back.”

Rolling his eyes, Bennett twirled me around and when I was face to face with him, he sighed. “We care about you, Sky, you know that.”

I did know that they cared about me but I didn’t know they would go this far for me. “Are you trying to force Harry and I to realize that we need each other by putting us under the same roof?” Bennett appeared appalled at my thought.

“What? N-“

“May I have the next dance?” A deep and raspy voice interrupted our talk. Stopping immediately, both of our heads turned around to the source of the voice. Bennett released my hand and backed away from me, clapping him in the back.

Stepping in front of me, the fingers of my right hand and his left hand intertwined and I placed my left hand on the shoulder of his tux while he rested his other hand on the small of my back. I was glad we were surrounded by other dancing couples and there was little chance that anyone noticed my sharp intake of breath when he touched me there.

We began to move, swaying easily to the soft and calm music and I mused at how warm he was. I tilted my head to look him in the eyes, asking with a nervous smile, “why are you dancing with me, Harry?”

He shrugged. “It’s a tough question. I just found myself coming towards you and next thing I know I was asking for a dance.” The smell of his breath hinted that he had been drinking – maybe not much but he had a drink before he came up to me.

“Interesting.”

“I came with Olivia.”

“Oh. Where is she?”

His eyes looked around the dance floor. With his eyes glued to my right, he answered, “with your date.”

I turned to my right and saw that Isaac was dancing with Olivia. They were engrossed in a talk that no one could hear. “She looks gorgeous.” She really was. I took another look at her and immediately, a surge of envy took over me.

Olivia was wearing a green dress that fit her body perfectly and brought out the colour of her eyes.

“We need to talk.”

Harry rolled his eyes at my attempt to start a serious conversation with him. “I thought we’ve done that plenty of times before and it never worked.”

I figured maybe I shouldn’t have said anything then.

We continued to move in a slow circle, a wave of silence engulfing us. I rubbed my lips together, allowing my eyes to stray across the hall. From the corner of the dance floor, Lisa was in a flirty conversation with a man that was looking at me before, smiling sweetly as she listened to him.

Apparently Harry had changed his mind as he broke the silence, adding low in my ear, his smooth voice sent shivers down my spine. “If you want to talk, then talk.”

If he weren’t speaking so low in my ear, I would have assumed he was being sarcastic to me but he wasn’t. When I tilted my head back to look at him, he was frowning like he was waiting for me to start speaking.

“Fine,” I huffed. “I’m sorry I’ve been lying to you,” I began. Harry stopped moving in circles but I forced him to continue going in slow circle as I talked so it wouldn’t be too obvious that we were having a serious conversation.

“I’m just going to straight-out say this.” I muttered under my breath.

“What is it, Sky?” His voice sounded anxious.

With our fingers interlocked, we were closed against each other and I knew that no one around us could hear me, for they were engrossed in their own conversations. This was the perfect time for me to talk.

“Please don’t say anything while I talk.” I took a deep breath and arranged the words in my mind. “I lied to you about so many things. I lied to you when I said I have moved on because I haven’t. That night, when I found out that you went out on a date with Olivia, I was happy for you. I wanted you to find someone better and Olivia sounds perfect hence the lie. Then I lied to you when I said we could be friends because,” I gulped, trying to balance my focus on my steps so I wouldn’t step on him and on my words so I wouldn’t say the wrong things. “Let’s face it, we’ve never been friends, Harry. When we first met, we knew we were attracted to each other; it was just me who tried so hard to deny the attraction but eventually my walls crumbled and I fall for you.”

When I saw that Harry opened his mouth to say something, I reached my hand up to cover his mouth. “Please, don’t say anything.” He nodded and my hand returned to his shoulder.

“I lied to you and myself ever since we broke up. I was never strong like you and I thought, Harry. I was always scared. Even when we’re together, I was scared that you would be stolen away from me anytime anywhere, I was scared that you would realize I didn’t deserve you and I was scared that one day I won’t be the girl you said I love you to anymore but Harry,” I sighed and he looked down at me, waiting for me to finish my sentence, “you would always be the one for me even if I’m not, for you.“

Harry’s grip tightened and he pursed his lips as he listened to me. I was glad that he complied with my plea for him to keep quiet.

“I lied to myself when I said that I don’t need you anymore, that I don’t mind sleeping alone, that I don’t wish we could go back to the way we were back then, that I don’t miss you, that I don’t love you anymore.” I rested my head on his shoulder, as our feet moved slowly which matched the music playing softly in the background.

Everything that I would utter next would cut me open and show how much of a vulnerable person I was, “because Harry, I still need you, I don’t want to sleep alone – I hated how cold the bed was without you – I wish we could magically skip this mess we’ve created, I missed you so much and..” I let out the breath I had been holding and looked up at him, “I love you. I still do, and I don’t know how to turn that feeling off. It’s a shame that we broke up.”

There, I had said everything I wanted to say to him.

Just when Harry opened his mouth to speak, he was interrupted again but this time, it was Isaac who interrupted him, asking me for a dance. I took a step back and with a nod of my head and small smile to Harry, I took Isaac’s hand and walked away, feeling like I had just given a part of me back to Harry.

And I didn’t think there was a way I could get it back.

Notes

Double-update♥
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