Fading.

My mind was fuzzy, the last remnant of a dream being chased away by the realization that I wasn’t on my bed.

In books, when people wake up in a strange place, they always have that disoriented moment when they don’t know where they are or what happened the night before.

That had never happened to me unless I was smashed; I always fell asleep in my bed.

An alarm went off in my head as panic kicked in and I would have fallen off the couch that shouldn’t and couldn’t fit two people if only he didn’t clasp me in his arms. Craning my neck slightly, I noticed that he had slept on his side so there was a space for me. I watched the way his mouth hung open a little like they usually would when he was asleep, but his brows were furrowed as his arms clasped around me tightened like he didn’t want to let me go. I didn’t want him to but I had to remind myself of where we stood now.

I could vaguely remember what exactly happened last night but I could remember Harry asking me to stay – I remembered it very clearly. The way his lips formed those words very slowly, and he drawled it out so I could understand him.

“Stay.. Stay with me.”

I supposed a part of me would still cave in to his plea despite the sky-high and supposedly strong walls I’ve built around myself whenever he was around. I had trained myself to be strong around him but I guessed it wasn’t enough. The training, that is.

When Harry didn’t answer me the first time I called out his name, every single nerve in my system snapped to attention like I had been electrified from the tips of my toes all the way up to my widening eyes. The first thing that popped in my mind was that I wanted to help; I wanted the assurance that he was okay. I tried to ignore it, I tried to act nonchalant but I couldn’t.

I guessed people were right when they said: you don’t love someone for so long and then turn it off overnight. And you also don’t stop caring for someone and turn it off overnight.

The sound of Harry groaning startled me out of my reverie. I pushed his arms away from me and stood up almost immediately so he wouldn’t pull me back to him. I watched his eyes fluttered open slowly as he adjusted to the lights coming from the window.

“Sky?”

“H-How did I end up sleeping here?” I asked, backing away from the couch as he propped himself up with his elbows.

Frowning, he asked me, “You don’t remember what happened last night?”

As the back of my legs hit the coffee table, my heart raced like a runaway train, going faster and faster.

“You fell asleep on the floor so I picked you up to sleep next to me because I figured it’s uncomfortable down there.” He raked his fingers through his hair as he spoke, and shrugged when he was done talking.

Now that he had told me his version of what happened last night, everything came back in my mind. I remembered watching him fall back to sleep right after he asked me to stay with him in which I did. I remembered pushing his hair back when they fell down to his eyes, which was why his hair stood up here and there. I remembered tracing his soft and plump lips when I knew he was already deep in his sleep.

I remembered how safe I felt suddenly when warmth blanketed me but what I didn’t remember nor did I realize was that it was Harry.

“Are you okay?”

He was already standing in front of me, his forehead crinkled in confusion like he could read what was on my mind, what I was about to say. I knew he didn’t want me to say it, I knew he didn’t like what was about to come his way.

So I didn’t say anything. I watched as his face transitioned from confusion to relief when I nodded my head, biting my lips to stop myself from saying things that I didn’t nor would I want to say. Turning on my heels, I went straight to my room, leaving Harry alone in my living room.

I heard his sigh as I closed the door but I couldn’t figure out what kind of sigh it was.


“I didn’t know what the hell has gotten into you if you believe that bullshit!” He shouted from across the room as I shoved my clothes into my duffel bag.

I had to get away as soon as possible before his words could change my mind, before I started doubting my decision, before I break down in front of him. I had embarrassed myself enough when I walked into a room where him and Audrey was chilling out at which only proved the rumor was right.

With the tears blinding my vision, I shoved anything that I believed was mine and zipped up the bag.

“Where are you going, Sky?” He asked, standing in front of me. His eyes were frantic as he saw that I already had my bag on my shoulder.

“Away from you.” I said through my gritted teeth. “So you could spend more time with Audrey.”

His face changed from anger to defeat. “Out of everyone, I would always count on you not to believe that bullshit.”

“How is it a bullshit if I saw it with my own eyes?”

“What you see was two friends hanging out. Completely harmless.”

I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms in front of my chest as if that gesture could protect myself. “That wasn’t what everyone saw.”

“Yeah because they assumed I’m a womanizer. You know me, baby. You’re not everyone, you’re my girlfriend.”

I knew how much that reputation bothered him because it wasn’t true at all. He wasn’t close to womanizer; sure women liked him but they had never seen them as more than friends. He was friendly, yes but a womanizer? No.

Seeing the look in his eyes made me realize just how wrong I was to believe the rumor. I shouldn’t have reacted on impulse. I should have trusted him.

“If you don’t want me to hangout with Audrey then I won’t. Just, just don’t leave, alright?”

I didn’t want to be seen as a controlling girlfriend; I didn’t mind whom he hung out with. It was just Audrey that I didn’t really like. First of all she was his ex girlfriend and second, she was better than me. I was afraid that she would snatch him away from me.

“No,” I shook my head, dropping down the duffel bag. “You can hang out with anyone you want.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I trusted you.”

A smile tugged the corner of his lips, “So you’re not leaving?”

I shook my head.

“God, I love you. Don’t scare me like that ever again.” He said, pulling me into his arms. Kissing the top of my head, he repeated, “I love you.”


I finally came out of my room twenty minutes later dressed in my grey sweater and a pair of jeans after having a war with myself under the showerhead. I knew I had Harry to face when I got out of shower however he was no longer in my living room the way I left him just now. I assumed he had left but when there were noises coming from the kitchen, I knew he was still here.

When my kitchen and his back came in view, I stopped at the doorway and saw that he was making himself a cup of tea using his cup – his cup that I hid behind my collection of cups in the cabinet.

“You didn’t throw this away,” he pointed to the cup he was holding with a small smile like he was actually glad I didn’t before he added softly, “but you hide it.”

I swallowed the growing lump in my throat and pulled myself together as I walked into the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee but he already did. His smile was weak as he passed me the cup I usually used for coffee in the morning and I thanked him.

From the corner of my eyes I could see that Harry was watching me as I took a sip of the coffee that he made just the way I liked it, and then he shook his head, looking away. “I missed making coffee for you. Sometimes I even found myself pouring a cup of coffee then I would either try to drink it or throw it away.”

When you’re around someone for so long, you would learn to anticipate their behavior, and in the past, Harry would have always smiled and extended a hand to me so I could stand in between his legs with his back against the counter and mine against his front as we enjoyed our preferred drinks in the quietness of the morning.

Him not doing it was a little jarring, and I instantly didn’t feel like I was reliving the past anymore.

“Sk-“

“That can’t happen again,” I blurted out before he could say something else, before I could say something else. “And it didn’t mean anything.” I added hastily.

It was too easy to fall back into this, into him, and it terrified me. We’re just friends, we’re just friends, I repeated the mantra until I eventually could believe it myself.

Harry moved around me and I thought that he was going to leave my apartment after what I have just told him. But when I tore my gaze away from the black coffee in my cup, I saw that Harry was setting down his cup on the counter, and sat on one of the stools that was facing me.

“Okay,” he said with a yielding shrug.

“Okay?” I repeated, the word felt weird on my tongue.

Harry nodded once as he took a sip of his tea. “You don’t want it to happen again, then it won’t. Plus, it didn’t mean anything, yeah?”

“Yes it won’t and yes it didn’t mean anything.” I hated how I could sense myself lying but I could only pray that he didn’t.

I watched him skeptically as he eyed my kitchen, looking at what had changed and what had stayed the same. His eyes lingered on the small notes that I had put on the fridge, smiling at the ones that seemed amusing to him but frowning at some that he couldn’t see clearly with my handwriting scribbled on the small paper.

Then his eyes went to the coffee table that had no letters on it.

“You did it,” he drawled. “You opened the letters.”

I nodded.

“Sky!” Daisy shouted from the hallway followed by the sound of the door closing behind, interrupting the silence in my apartment.

I was about to stop her from entering the kitchen when she had already appeared in front of the kitchen’s doorway. Her eyes widened when she saw that Harry was sitting on one of my stools. Sensing that my best friend was standing behind him, Harry turned around and waved at her like they were old friends that hadn’t met in so long.

That was when I realized that I shouldn’t have given the extra key to Daisy and I should have told Harry to leave the second he woke up. But I knew I couldn’t do the latter.

“Daisy, what are you doing here?” I set down my cup and pushed myself from the counter to walk up to her and tell her to come back later. Whatever she had to say right now could wait. I needed to face Harry first.

However Harry had another plan in his head. “How are you, D?” He asked with a smile, using the nickname we had given to her.

Her eyes darted from me to Harry; I knew for a fact that she was really confused as to what was going on and I also knew that she would be asking a lot of questions to me later. “I.. I’m good.”

Harry nodded his head as if he was glad that she was good. “You’re.. You’re pregnant.” His eyes went down to her protruding belly that looked cute underneath her white blouse and smiled softly. “Congratulations, he or she will be a cute baby.”

“Thanks, Harry.” Daisy said, rubbing her belly with a smile lighting up her face. “I hope so.”

Trying to interrupt their conversation from starting again, I asked Daisy what was she doing here.

“Oh. Right, I tried to call you this morning but it went to your voicemail. Anyway,” She turned to me, “Isaac texted me last night.”

It surprised me that Isaac had texted Daisy instead of me when he literally promised to text me. When I knew I had braced myself for what Daisy was about to say to me, I asked her. “And?”

I knew that Harry was watching us intently as we spoke and usually I would have filled him in with our gossips and he would tell us whether it was true or not, but this talk about Isaac wasn’t something that I wanted to tell him – I didn’t want to fill him in on our date. I wouldn’t want him to know that I felt what he felt when he went on his first date with Olivia.

“He said thanks.” Her grin broadened as if what she was about to say was really good news, “and he realized that he forgot to ask for your number so I gave it to him. Soooo, how was the date?” When the word date escaped her mouth, she turned to Harry who immediately looked down to his cup like he wasn’t listening to us.

I felt the need to choose my words carefully since Harry was around, so I settled for an answer that wouldn’t hurt both sides. “It was nice.”

Daisy let out what sounded like a squeal and I winced as she gripped my arms tighter, “So there’ll be a double date, then?”

She had never been on a double date since high school and when Harry and I were together, she was single so we didn’t get the chance to go on a double date. However when Ben and Daisy settled down to become a couple, we had already broken up.

Dragging Daisy to the living room, I told her to come back later in which she moaned in disapproval but a few seconds later, she eventually left but not before telling me that I had a lot to explain.

When I went back to the kitchen, Harry had finished his tea and he was washing his cup. With his back on me, he asked, “So, how was the date, Sky?”

I tried to detect any hint of sarcasm in his voice but I could only find curiosity – he was curious about my date.

“It was nice,” I repeated my answer that I had given to Daisy before as I brought the brim of the cup up to my lips and took a sip of my already cold coffee. It really was a nice date; Isaac was a good man who had accomplished a lot in life and I had more fun that I thought I would. “Isaac is a good man.”

“That’s a rather boring answer,” he arched his eyebrow at me while I shot him a glare. He took my empty cup from my hand, and our fingers brushed briefly before he turned back to the sink to wash it. “But I’m pretty sure he’s a really good man, Skylar. Every guy is on the first date.”

His nonchalant behavior was somehow unnerving; something didn’t feel right either. It was like I was actually waiting for something to be thrown at me, like any second from now something bad would happen.

“What are you doing here?”

Instead of giving me an answer, he gave me a question - a bloody question. From what I could perceive, he was trying to avoid the topic of last night. “Do you have a plan today?”

“Seriously?” I muttered under my breath, throwing my hands in the air. His calm, cool and collected demeanor was getting at me because I knew that it was just an act; he wanted me to reach my breaking point first. “Are you seriously going to act like last night was nothing?”

The frown on his face matched his eyes. Thousand of questions were written all over his face as the end of his smile dragged downward. I was half expecting that he would fire me with another question, but he didn’t.

“You’re the one who acted like it was nothing.” He said in a clipped tone, standing a couple of feet away from me. We knew it was best if we kept our distance so anything that we didn’t want to happen would happen. “You told me that whatever happened on that couch,” his finger and eyes pointed to the couch we fell asleep on last night and then he looked back at me, “couldn’t happen again and it didn’t mean anything.”

In my defense, I didn’t want him to think that just because I stayed with him, things could go back to the way it was. Because it couldn’t, as much as I wished it could, I knew how things work between us and where we stood now. I had to constantly remind myself that we were friends, Harry was seeing Olivia and I, Isaac.

“But..”

“It didn’t mean nothing to me, Sky. As a matter of fact, it means everything to me – being able to warm you up while you thoughtlessly run your fingers through my hair when you’re sleeping,” he paused, taking a deep breath before he slumped his shoulders forward like he was admitting defeat. “It feels so fucking good and I’d do anything to sleep next to you again everyday, you know that.”

I did know that because that was exactly what I felt – I’d do anything to be able to have him next to me every night.

When I didn’t say anything – I couldn’t form a word – he continued talking. “I came here because you’re the only person that was on my mind when I’m drunk.”

I was about to ask him if I was the reason he was drunk but he beat me to it.

“I.. I was recording the song that I wrote for you and in the middle of the song, I just, I couldn’t take it.” I focused my attention on his hand, which he brought up to muss his hair and let it fell limp to his side next. I could still remember how soft it was. “I don’t know if they’ll put it in the new album but I hope they would. I want you to listen to it.”

I swallowed, knowing that if he wanted me to listen to a song, it meant a lot. Like when the boys and him wrote some songs for the album, which was dedicated to their girlfriends, he was really excited for me to listen to it. Or like when he made a CD full of songs that he liked and were meant for me.

Harry was a really thoughtful person and he would always put people first which could be a good thing but sometimes it was the opposite – he didn’t give himself enough credit.

“I hope they would too.” I finally said after the long silence.

“I tried to forget you; it didn’t work. God, I’ve missed you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I made it look like you were making our relationship hard. I’m sorry I said awful things to you. I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you. Every girl is you to me. You’re all I see, you’re all I want. I want you so much. I want you forever. Forgive me, Sky.” He stopped because I knew what was coming next if he didn’t. I was glad he did.

I still couldn’t process what he was saying, the look of fear and hope in his eyes. It made me want him even more though. It made my breath heavy and ragged. It made everything even more complicated. I knew it wasn’t fair how it was always him who opened up his feelings to me, poured out everything that he had and I didn’t reciprocate the action. I was selfish, I knew.

“I couldn’t stop myself from reaching out because somehow I think that there is something underneath your strong demeanor, Sky. I know that you want to come out as a stronger person out of this.”

Harry was good with words whereas I wasn’t hence I kept quiet.

“I guess today made me realize that I’ve been reaching out for nothing.”

If I thought I was terrified before, his defeated tone terrified me even more. Harry Styles didn’t give up too easily but from the way he stood in front of me, the language of his body proved to me that he was giving up.

“I’m not giving up, Sky.” He said. “I’ve said everything I wanted to say to you but if you still want to appear strong and don’t want me to reach out, if you don’t want me to try to fix it, then I guess that’s the only option I have: giving up.”

The way he spoke made my blood run cold. I wasn’t used to this side of Harry frankly because he was always wonderful to me and I, on the other hand was the complete opposite. I hadn’t been a wonderful person to him this lately but seeing that he still came back after all of that made me realize that I didn’t deserve him.

“You’re better off without me.”

With a click of his tongue, he didn’t deny my statement – he confirmed it. “That’s what everyone been telling me. I might have to believe it.”

Notes

Dun, dun, dunnnnnn!! Sorry if this chapter doesn't meet your expectation :(
Subscribe,vote and comment!♥
Love You♥