Fading.

If there was one thing that I couldn’t make sense of about Harry was that his fondness towards ripped jeans – not that I didn’t like seeing him in it – but somehow it still awed me that he had a lot of money yet he could still be found in a thrift shop. However, he wouldn’t mind spending his cash on people that he loved.

“It’s rude to stare,” he slurred with a smirk playing on his lips.

I snapped out of my stupor and instinctively, my hand dropped down to my side from the knob, followed by my feet which moved further enough to allow him to get inside. I felt him moving towards me and my heart started racing. I knew I needed to push him back, I just couldn’t think straight enough to remember why. I couldn’t move, either.

I closed my eyes as I felt him draw even nearer. I was hyperaware of how close his body was to mine – his boots touched my bare feet. He was breathing heavily as he looked straight into my eyes as if he was trying to read me. That knowledge, and the passionate noises from the TV, sent chills down my spine. After what felt like an eternity, he finally touched me, but not how I had been expecting him to. His forehead touched me and he rested his nose against mine. I could feel him breathing softly but intensely against me. Instinctually, I raised my chin to find his lips, a low noise escaping my throat.

A micro-second before our mouths fully touched, when I could feel the heat of his skin, the barest brush of a lip, he glided his nose down along my cheek. I gasped at the close, but no-contact. He exhaled heavily down my throat, an enticing noise escaping his lips, making me shudder. He stayed there, taking two ragged breaths, while I unconsciously melted even more against his body, my knees turning even more into him. I sucked in a deep breath; I could detect a whiff of alcohol from him but still, he smelled so good.

He smelled like home - a place that I used to turn to.

“Are you drunk?” I forced myself to break the unbearable silence. His head popped up to look into my eyes, his chest was heaving up and down as he struggled to breathe. Somehow, it was good to know that I wasn’t the only one who had trouble breathing right now.

“A little,” the corner of his lip turned up and when I frowned at him, it turned into a full smirk. “A little, promise.”

He was playful tonight and it was unorthodox.

“Why.. What are you doing here?” I gulped, hoping that he would step back to let me breathe.

He chuckled, knowing that I was trying to avoid whatever was about to happen from happening. “To talk, Sky. I came here to talk.” He smiled then cocked one of his eyebrows at me obviously challenging me.

I frowned, wondering what did he want to talk about but before I could respond to him with words, he was on me in a flash – hands, lips, tongue – I was practically shoved to the wall as he kicked the door to close it without breaking a contact. Despite the self-control that I had within me, a moan escaped my lips as his hand started unbuttoning the flannel shirt – I could feel his warm hand against my skin.

“What.. what are you.. doing?” I questioned although my hands were clutching his hair, pulling him towards me so his lips would be closer to my lips.

Harry pulled away slightly to answer me. “I.. don’t know but I don’t want to stop.” Then his fingers continued unbuttoning the shirt, one of the buttons popped out and dropped down to the floor. My eyes followed the button and Harry let out a small chuckle before he attached his lips back to me.

His warm lips moved to my earlobe, “Please don’t stop this.” He whispered, almost begged as he dragged his lips down to my neck from my earlobe.

I knew I had to stop it but every fiber of my body was enjoying it. His touch sent me into frenzy and I didn’t know how had I last this long without him – I needed him. I needed him like a baby weeping over their need of milk and attention, I needed him like a bee needed their honey and most importantly, I needed him like I needed oxygen to breath – to keep living.

His lips parted and his tongue brushed mine. I made a noise at the sensation, at the taste of him and eagerly sought him again. Through the mental fog of feeling my lips move against his and my fingers locking into his hair, I was vaguely aware that we were moving.

A small part of myself kept screaming at me, reminding me that whatever it was coming next, I should stop it.

“I can’t..” I somehow breathed out when he slipped the shirt off my shoulders. “We can’t do this.” I stated but it wasn’t firm enough to stop Harry. He planted kisses from my neck down to my shoulder and I moaned unconsciously. The sound only made him groan.

His breath heavier, he trailed one finger along the strap of my snow white bra. Achingly slow, he followed the strap down to the cup, twisting it, so I could feel his somehow cold fingertips on the same spot he had given me a love bite before. I gasped at the sensation and the memory, I attacked his mouth, my fingers traveled back up to that curly hair, wanting to feel him closer to me.

The taste of his lips felt so sinful, so heavenly across my own. I squeezed my eyes shut as I thought how his fingertips always draw circles on my skin – like he was doing right now on my abdomen – how he always smiled when a moan unconsciously escaped my lips, how his lips were always red after we kissed. All those thoughts were something that I would always keep in my memory. I wanted to be able to remember them forever.

But all of that didn’t belong to me anymore.

Under his powerful kiss, my shaking hands tried to push him away from me. My lips didn’t want that to happen, for he felt so good against my lips, but I had to. I shook my head through the kiss and Harry pulled away to look at me. He furrowed one of his eyebrows at me and I nearly pulled him back to my lips.

“We can’t do this, Harry.” I pleaded weakly. Even my voice betrayed me – I wanted this. I wanted it as much as Harry wanted it.

“You know you want it,” Harry murmured against my lips, teasing me with his warm breath. He pressed his plump lips against mine and he stayed like that for a couple of seconds – not moving at all.

The air was still; neither one of us knew what else to say. The only sound I could hear was the sound of our breaths.

“Your lips are cold,” he spoke softly, running his thumb against it. I watched his face as his eyes drooped down to my cold lips. “I miss you.” He removed his thumb from my lips and replaced it with his lips almost instantly, catching me off guard.

His fingers were on the waistband of my shorts next and that was when I knew I had to stop it before it got any further, before either one of us regretted it. But the question was, did I want him to stop? He was right; I knew I wanted it but I also knew I couldn’t want it. I hated how I wanted it. I hated how I wanted it when it was absolutely wrong of me to want it.

“Harry,” I breathed out. “S..Stop. We need to stop.” I managed to verbalize it after battling with a big part of myself that didn’t want to stop.

Harry took a step back from me abruptly, lightly shaking his head as if I had just told him really bad news, shocking news, even. I dropped my head to my hands, not even believing I’d just said that to him. When I looked back up at him, he had guiltiness written all over his face and also.. sadness. I was pretty sure I mirrored his look.

Both of us wanted what we had just now but we couldn’t.

I buttoned his flannel shirt back to cover the exposed skin as I tried to nonchalantly ask, “What do you want to talk about?” I cleared my throat and looked around the room, avoiding his gaze.

Harry moved back and forth as he struggled to regain his composure, after a while, he looked at me. “I have to go.”

“Wait Harry!” I tugged off his flannel shirt and held it out to him when he glanced back at me. “This is yours.”

“You can have it.” He rubbed his hand through his curls. “See you later.”

“I don’t want it,” I tried to shove it at him but he refused to take it.

Embarrassment flooded his face, “I can’t take it back. It will remind me of you and that would hurt too much. So you keep.”

With the look he gave to me before he turned around and left, I knew I had just sliced him open and dumped a trailer load of salt in his wounds.

I sort of hated myself.

My hands were still shaking as I slowly walked towards the couch and sat down. Taking the remote from the coffee table, I turned the TV off. I took a calming breath and forced myself not to cry. The tears were already at the brim of my eyes but I couldn’t let them win. What I had done just now was probably the best for both of us. Probably.

I couldn’t let myself trip into this hole where I believed everything would change to the way it was just because Harry and I had sex.

I dragged myself to the bathroom and went to the sink. The water was cool and refreshing; I splashed my face multiple times with it, something to snap reality back to me.

I felt like a rubber band that had been stretched too far and had finally broken apart, one half flutteringly uselessly behind the rest.

*

The next morning I stood under the showerhead for at least twenty minutes or probably more letting the hot water soak my sore muscles, contemplating what I should do for the day so I could stop thinking about what happened and almost happened last night. Even before I slept, I thought of what could have happened if I didn’t stop Harry.

I was reaching for my shampoo when something caught my eyes. Behind empty bottles of shampoos and body washes that I didn’t bother to throw away was Harry’s shampoo. I put back my shampoo and took the blue bottle instead. I opened the cap and inhaled the scent that I had grown accustomed to.

I recalled the night when I hid everything that belonged to Harry: from his cup that was in the cabinet in my kitchen to his sweats that were in the bottom drawer that I hadn’t opened up until now to this bottle of shampoo that I had hid behind empty bottles.

I hadn’t gotten rid of anything that belonged to him. All this while it was kept hidden because I still couldn’t make up my mind whether I want to keep them or throw them away.

I set the bottle back, got out of shower and toweled off.

I crossed the room and wondered what else would I find in this room that I had absentmindedly hidden when I was grieving. As I put on my black sweater, something caught my eye from the corner of the room. It was my necklace – the one that I had thrown away. I bent down and picked it up.

I remembered how I had never taken it off when I first got it from Harry. I didn’t plan on taking it off either. But things changed and I eventually took it off.

I placed the delicate necklace on the nightstand and stared at it for a moment.

Then I picked up my phone and started going through the gallery which was filled with pictures of Harry and I, pictures that Harry had sent to me when he was on tour, pictures that the boys sent to me – mostly of Harry sleeping – and pictures of Harry that I had saved or taken when he wasn’t aware of it.

Harry used to send me pictures of him standing next to a lamppost, his excited face next to a fountain, or even pictures of him standing in front of
big buildings. I liked seeing his excited faces but there were several pictures of him pouting with a caption 'i miss you', 'why aren't you here?' 'i need you here with me'. I would usually text him back saying: you are so lame, how are you even my boyfriend? or why do i even love you? But I couldn't fight the grin as I sent those sort of replies to him.

I stayed longer on a picture of Harry and I when we were in his hometown. We were feeding birds – Harry looked happy, smiling even as he let the birds perched on his right hand and arm meanwhile I looked terrified as one of the birds tried to eat his food on my palm. The memory somewhat brought a smile upon my face and for a moment I was glad that not all memory gave me pain.

The next picture was another one of Harry and I but I didn’t remember taking it. I recognized that it was from the night we slept at Niall’s apartment, due to the fact that Harry’s car was being fixed in the workshop nearby his mate’s place. I was wearing Harry’s chunky white sweater. I was curled into him, my bare legs tangling with his. He had his arms around me and my head was on his chest. There was a slight smile on my face as I slept. It would have been impossible for the two of us to get any closer.

This picture definitely caused my heart to ache.

I guessed I spoke too soon.


Long distance relationship kind of sucks and this was my first long distance relationship. Harry had assured me that he would make this work we would make this work. So, I believed him though it was starting to take its toll on me.

I crashed on my couch and rested my head on the back of the couch. As soon as I closed my eyes, a pair of hands covered my face.

I let out a groan, “stop it, D.”

“Long day?” a familiar voice questioned.

I turned around and there he stood towering over me with a smile perfecting his face. I hoped off the couch and went straight into his arms. I missed the way his body molded with mine and how he was warmer than me.

“I thought you won’t be here not until next week,” I mumbled into his chest, breathing in his familiar scent.

“I left earlier,” Harry stated as he leaned in to kiss the top of my head. That wasn’t enough for me so I tipped my head back and brought his face down so my lips could meet his.

I missed the way his lips formed together with mine. He was quite possibly a slow kisser but I liked how he took his time to work his way into something more passionate.

“I missed you,” I mumbled as I kissed down his ear and towards the corner of his lips.

“You can’t even imagine how much I missed you,” Harry nearly moaned against my lips, “I love you,” he confessed into my ear.

It was so much better than hearing him say those three words over the phone or through a computer screen. There was no static or distortion to the purity of the words.

“I love you so much,” I responded.

Harry gave me one of his smiles that could always tug at my heart, “but not nearly as much as I love you.”

I laughed, “oh is that so?”

“Yep, there’s no way you could compete with me.” He stated rather boldly.

I poked his nose and smiled, “alright then, whatever makes you happy.”

Notes