Fading.

It was Wednesday night and I was enjoying a bowl of canned soup that I had just heated two minutes ago in front of the television. The apartment was much too quiet and I could hear myself thinking too clear. I reached for the remote and turned up the volume to make it all go away – to drown out the voices in my mind. I had done a pretty good job at ignoring them this lately and focused on something else instead.

Just when I was beginning to think that I would never hear anything from Harry or anyone related to him ever again, Niall texted me.

Hey Sky, are u busy tonight?

I put down my bowl on the coffee table and pondered for a moment. My fingers hovered over the screen; I tried to come up with a reply that would not involve a lie.

No.. Why?

I set my phone on my lap and took the bowl to finish my soup before it turned cold and I had to reheat it. I tried to return my attention back to the show on the television but my eyes kept on darting down to my phone, waiting for a response. When it finally came, I released a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding.

U up for some football?

I frowned at the screen of my phone. He hadn’t asked me out for ‘some football’ since Harry and I started dating. The boys didn’t really have much free time for football since then either – sure I had seen them played here and there before the shows started but they had never asked me to play with them seeing that I wasn’t good at it.

I searched for a clock and looked at the time. 8.12 pm. It wasn’t too late so I couldn’t tell him that I was going to bed – he would have not believed me. It would be rude too considering that he had been nothing but nice to me.

Sure.

His response was instantaneous.

Great. I’ll pick you up in 15.

I pushed myself off of the comfy couch and went into the kitchen to wash the bowl. Once I was done cleaning the kitchen to kill the time, I went into my room to get changed and packed another clean clothes.

Exactly fifteen minutes later, there was a knock on the door. I slung my bag onto my shoulder and opened the front door. Niall stood bouncing on the step of my door, looking down at his white Nike sneakers.

“Hi.” I closed the door behind, locked it and kept the key in the pocket of my jeans.

He looked up and his face broke into a grin, “Hi.” He let me led him down the stairs and when we reached the bottom of the stairs, he fell into steps next to me. “I hope you’re okay with this.” He chuckled under his breath and continued to walk.

I turned to look at him. He was shoving his hands into his jacket – something that he would do when he was nervous or cold – meanwhile his eyes were looking straight at his car that was similar to Harry’s. I wanted him to look at me but he didn’t so I stopped walking right before we reached his car but he didn’t.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked.

When Niall reached his car and noticed that I wasn’t trailing behind him, he turned around then shrugged. “With what was going on betwe-“

“No,” I quickly cut him off, “I was bored out of my mind and you happened to text me on the right time.” I kicked the small rock in front of my shoes then climbed into his car. “Besides, when was the last time I kicked your ass in football?”

Niall climbed into the driver side and raised one of his eyebrows at me, “You mean, when was the last time I kicked your ass in football?” He let out a chuckle as he put his key into the ignition and drove us to a park that appeared deserted.

Even though it was dark out, Niall convinced Louis, Liam, Zayn, and Deo to come to the park to play football with him. The boys had created their own goals out of sticks that had fallen off of the trees and Niall had a ball in the back of his car because apparently he would always kept one there so he could play whenever he had free time.

“I can’t believe you brought me here.” I said as I tied my shoes.

I was only going to embarrass myself in front of the boys with my lack of skills in football but when I watched the boys, I knew it was just a game. Plus, no one else was here.

The teams consisted of Liam, Zayn and Niall on one and Louis, Deo and I on the other. Deo draped his arm over my shoulder and smiled smugly at the opposite team. Liam acted as if he was threatened that I was in the other team, Niall however rolled his eyes and declared how bad of a football player I was.

“You’re just jealous, cousin.” Deo replied and went to stand in front of the goal that was made out of sticks.

Niall shook his head and laughed. “Shut up, arsehole. We’re going to win.” He assured everyone, giving Deo, Louis and I the most intimidating look he could come up with.

“We’ll see about that, mate.” Louis said then he turned to me and winked.

Niall wasn’t bad at the game, turned out he was good, probably better than the last time I played with him and the boys. However, he wasn’t the best. If anything, Louis was beating them all at it. He was quick and a pro considering that he had a signed a contract to play for his hometown team.

Whenever he scored a goal, he would give me a high five and laughed at Niall who appeared pissed and who was also determined in attacking me rather than the other two boys with the ball; I would giggle and kick the ball when it came at me, swerving between the other feet that came at me. Eventually I would pass the ball to either Louis or Deo and they would score a goal.

We were four points ahead of the opponent and that was when Niall shouted.

“Keep the ball away from Louis for God’s sake!” He exasperated, throwing his hands in the air.

“Ni, calm down will ya, mate?” Deo said with a hint of humor in his voice.

“Shove it, Niall!” Louis shouted back and laughed.

We played for another fifteen minutes or so when our scores were tie: 18 to 18. I was so close to the other boys’ goal until Niall’s foot stole the ball away from me and kicked it to Zayn. I gasped and turned to look at him who in turn just shrugged and continued to run across the park to get the ball from Zayn.

He really was taking this game seriously.

Louis was quick to take the ball from Zayn before Niall got it and passed it to Deo with a smug grin across his face. Niall glared and flipped them off. Just when I thought they would never pass the ball at me again, the ball stopped right in front of my shoes. Both Louis and Deo shouted at me, encouraging me to score a goal.

When I turned toward the goal, Liam was hunched in front of the goal; his eyes were trained on the ball that was on my feet.

“Kick it!”

“C’mon Sky!”

“Don’t do it, babe! Pass it to me!” Niall shouted at me, obviously trying to distract me.

I closed my eyes, ignored everyone around me and just kicked the ball, not knowing which direction I had sent the ball to. Next thing I knew I was lifted up on their shoulders, Louis and Deo shouted in victory as if we had just won the end of the season game. I looked at Niall, waiting for him to flip me off but he shrugged and smiled.

“You win, yeah?” A recognized voice approached me the second my feet touched the grass. When I turned around, Harry was standing in front of me with his hands shoved into the front pocket of his jeans. He arched his eyebrow at me, waiting for my response.

I nodded my head as I gulped. “Yeah, yeah. We won.” I turned to Louis and he smiled at me. “How long have you been here?” I asked, still breathing heavily from running across the park.

He looked around the park, the corner of his eyes crinkled when he smiled as he noticed the goals that they made from sticks. “Long enough to see you score the outstanding goal.” His green eyes returned back to me and he smiled as if he was proud of me. “Congratulations.”

Liam came from behind and draped his arm over my shoulder, “You’re wonderful, babe.” He gave me a sweaty hug and kissed me sloppily on the cheek.

“Hey, Harry, nice to see you here.” He smiled. Harry nodded his head and reciprocated the smile. After exchanging a brief conversation on how their day went like, Liam then walked away to his car to retrieve a clean t-shirt.

Before I could open my mouth to speak to Harry, a voice shouted, “Heads down!”

Unfortunately my brain wasn’t in the right state as it took a longer time to process the words. Usually I would have acted on instinct and ran away from the ball but I stay glued on the grass until the ball came out of nowhere and hit me straight on the head.

*

“Holy shit!”

“What the hell have you done?!”

“I don’t know!”

“Shit, Sky. Are you okay?”

I blinked the growing black dots away and tried to focus on one of the blurred faces in front of me. They were kneeling next to me, each one of them were frowning.

Harry was the first to speak, “Are you okay?”

I nodded and rubbed the sore spot on my head. They let out a sigh of relief and sat on the grass next to me. Harry ran his fingers through his disheveled hair and muttered, “Thank God.”

“I’m glad you’re okay, Sky.” Zayn smiled and got up from the grass to walk back to his car. He was about to leave when the ball hit me so I assumed he was going to leave now. Liam and Louis followed him, both was relieved that I was alright.

“Shit I’m so sorry, Sky.” Deo apologized, a crease formed in between his brows. “I thought you were in Niall’s car.” He shook his head; his face took on a guilty look. “I didn’t see you were there when I kicked the ball.”

I smiled at him and sat up, “It’s alright, Deo. It’s nothing. I probably have a cool swollen head right now.”

His eyes widened at me then he shook his head. “I thought you might have a concussion or something.” He ran his hands over his face and sighed again. “Niall nearly kicked my ass.” He added quietly but I heard it.

I touched his arm and smiled, “I’m fine.”

He returned my smile and got up from the grass to walk over to Niall’s car. Everyone had retreated back to their car except for Harry. He was still looking at me with a frown – studying me if I had known him well enough.

“You sure you’re okay?” He asked slowly, every word that left his lips was spoken with such low tone as if it was intended for me only though there was no one else around. Although he was speaking to me, his eyes were examining my face, my body, my arms, and my legs. “You got hit pretty hard just now.”

“I feel fine.” I tried to stand up on my feet and Harry immediately offered his hand at me. I looked at it and shook my head timidly. “I’m alright.”

“Of course you are, Sky.” He stated with a hint of sarcasm, “Just take my hand.” He rolled his eyes at me and waited for me to accept his gesture.

I put my hand on his palm and he helped me to stand up. “There, isn’t that easy?” He smiled at me.

I smiled tightly and brushed the grass that was stuck on my pants.

“Remember when you got hit by a ball the last time we played football with the boys too?” He chuckled as I let go of his hand quickly.

I looked up at him and this time, I was the one to roll my eyes. “Yeah, I wonder who did that.”

Harry laughed lightly. If the man standing in front of me was still the same Harry I knew, he probably was going down the memory lane, reminiscing the day I got hit by a ball that was kicked by him.

“You coming with me?” Niall asked as he stood next to me, interrupting the small moment I had with Harry – if it was even count as a moment.

“Where are we going?” I asked, looking up at him. He had changed into a grey sweater and smelled like cologne, too. His hair stuck to his forehead as if he had just had showered.

“We’re going to my apartment to eat then I’ll send you home?”

I nodded and followed him as he led me to his car. Then he paused so I did the same. “You’re coming, H?”

Harry watched the two of us then slowly he nodded his head. “Sure, I’ll see you there.”


I didn’t believe Louis when he told me that Harry wasn’t good at playing football. I assumed it was just a joke since Harry couldn’t stop bragging how good he was at it. The second he got into Josh’s team that consisted of him, Liam, Dan and Harry himself, he assured everyone that their team would win.

The boys convinced me to be the referee so I didn’t argue.

“You’re not going to give me a kiss first, Sky?” Harry smirked as he finished tying his shoes.

I looked at him and crinkled my nose. “Nah, don’t think so.”

Before he could protest, Josh had pulled him away from me and onto the field. I gave him a thumb up and told them to start the game.

After what seemed like an hour, I declared that the score was 20-14. Louis and Niall shouted in victory, both of them exchanged a fist pump. I turned to Harry and he was glaring at them, his lips were set into a thin line.

Harry wasn’t terrible but he wasn’t good either. Sure, he could kick the ball but when it came to scoring the goal, he failed. Josh clapped his back and muttered something into his ear. He nodded his head and smiled wickedly. Taking the ball from Josh, he put it down on the grass.

I walked over to Louis and handed him a bottle of water. “Congrats.” I said as he pulled me in for a hug.

When I turned to Harry assuming that he wanted water too, that was also when he chose to kick the ball that was obviously intended for his mate but luckily for Louis, I was standing in front of him at the moment. The ball went right to my stomach and I doubled over, clutching my shirt.

The pain intensified as I dropped on my knees onto the ground.

“What the hell was that?!” Louis shouted as he bent down to inspect me. His worried eyes met my half-closed eyes and he asked, “Are you okay?”

I bit my bottom lip and I was pretty sure it would bleed if I keep biting it. “Nnnno..Yeah..Not really.”

Harry dropped onto his knees next to me and put his hands on both side of my shoulders. “Oh my God, Sky. I’m so so sorry.”

Louis pushed him slightly and frowned at him, “What the hell were you thinking?”

“It was Josh’s idea!” His finger was wild as he scanned the field to find his band mate. When he didn’t find him, he turned back to Louis and scoffed. “And it was meant for you, for fuck’s sake!” Harry exasperated as he raked his hand through his hair.

“Why the fuck was it for me?!” Louis shouted back, frowning.

I nearly laughed as I watched these two boys bickered with each other. But I also wanted to smack them because I was in pain and they were arguing in front of me.

“Jesus, cut the crap.” Niall rolled his eyes. “Sky, can you stand?”

I nodded my head and pushed myself off of the grass. I could still feel the pain on my abdomen and I clutched onto Niall’s hand.

“Careful.”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I straightened up and glared at Harry. “Thanks, pal.” I mocked him.

“That was for not kissing me,” I knew he was joking but Louis nudged his side, still frowning at him. “It was just a joke, fuck’s sake, Lou go away.”

I wasn’t paying much attention to Harry as he continued to bicker with Louis. I didn’t realize how achingly slow I walked until I felt a pair of arms went behind my knees and then I was lifted up in the air.

“Oi!” I shouted, my eyes widening when I realized it was Harry that was holding me and he was leading me to his car.

“Shush, I’m trying to make it up to you.” He smirked. “Besides you walk like a bloody turtle.”

“Yeah, thanks, H.” I said as I smacked him on the chest.

"You're welcome, Skylar." He chuckled and kissed my nose.


“You okay now, Sky?” Liam asked from his seat on the chair across the room. His legs were kicked up onto the table as he fiddled with the phone that lied on his lap.

“I’m good.” I said with a smile as I took a seat next to Zayn on the floor. He looked up from the screen of his phone and smiled. “Anything new, Z?”

“Nah,” he shrugged. “Been hiding in my cave since our break starts.”

I laughed as he labeled his own apartment a ‘cave’. He had never used that word before except me. “Nice.”

Harry stepped into the living room and sunk onto the couch next to Louis. He leaned his head on the back of the couch and closed his eyes. Louis examined him curiously just as I was. He appeared tired like he had a long day.

“How was your date, Harry?” Niall’s voice broke the silence as he walked out of the kitchen with a big plate of chicken alfredo that he heated just now.

Harry immediately opened his eyes as he stared at Niall in horror then he looked at me, his eyes were something else - something that I couldn’t quite pinpoint.

“Ahh I forgot that you had a date today.” Louis said, finally piecing the puzzles. “Yeah, how was it?”

“It was fine.”

Harry was still looking at me so I broke the gaze. I got up from the floor and went into the kitchen. Niall stopped me before I got into the kitchen and looked into my eyes; his eyes were full of questions. Before he could ask one of them, I told him, “I need some water.”

He nodded and unblocked my path.

As I leaned against the table in the kitchen, I took a deep breath. That wasn’t supposed to bother me, was it? The fact that Harry had gone out and went on a date shouldn’t bother me. He should do that because he was single. That was what single people do, wasn’t it? They go out on a date and Harry was one of them. He had no one to hold him back anymore.

I clenched the glass tighter before I took a sip of it.

“Are you okay?” Harry’s voice broke the moment of silence I had with myself. I set down the glass into the sink and nodded my head. “You wanna eat?”

I turned to look at him and nodded again before I walked past him; my shoulder brushed against his as I avoided his eyes.

“There you are,” Niall handed me a plate of food and I sat next to him. “Eat up then I’ll send you home.”

*

Niall didn’t exactly stay true to his words. Instead of driving me home after we ate, he gave each one of us a bottle of beer. I didn’t say no to that because I had no excuse not to accept the drink. Anyway, I was only going to have one drink. Besides, one drink wouldn’t hurt, would it?

“We’ve got to go,” Liam and Zayn announced after they finished their first drinks. I waved them goodbye and took another bottle out of the fridge.

I didn’t completely stay true to my words too. When Louis offered me another bottle, I took it gratefully and finished it in just ten minutes. He would whistle and tell me how quick I was to finish the drink.

This used to be my lifestyle – drinking every night until I get hammered.

“Don’t you have work tomorrow?” Harry eyed me as I tipped my head back and took a swig of the third bottle of the beer. “You shouldn’t be drinking this much.”

“Don’t be a party pooper, H. Let her be.” Louis chucked a pillow at him in which Harry dodged his head pretty quickly to avoid the hit. Then, he pointed his finger to Harry’s bottle. “You barely drink the beer.”

“Yeah because I have to stay sober to drive back home.”

“Always the responsible one.” Louis got up from the couch and patted Harry’s hair. He’s had more drinks than me and that was obvious by the way he slurred his words. Harry looked up at his mate and rolled his eyes.

“Come on let’s get you home.” Niall got up from the couch and gathered all of the bottles from the floor to throw it away.

“Let me take her home.” Harry announced as he stepped in front of Niall.

Niall straightened up from picking up the bottles and his blue eyes darted from Harry to me, silently asking if I was okay with that.

“I’m going to send Louis home anyway.” He shrugged.

Under my half lidded gaze, I nodded my head and shrugged too. Harry was just going to send me home – that’s all. Besides, Louis would be in the car as well. “Sure, come on.”

Niall watched as I took my bag that was on the floor and slung it on my shoulder. “Take care, Sky.”

*

If I wasn’t drunk and hadn’t agreed to let Harry drive me home, I didn’t have to endure the awkward beat in the car with him since Louis fell asleep immediately after Harry put him in the back seat. I glanced at the back and Louis was already snoring which made Harry smiled. His smile looked tired however and it didn’t reach his eyes, it didn’t light up his eyes either.

I had missed that smile – the kind of smile that reached his eyes and made his eyes appeared brighter, the kind of smile that made both of his pimples looked even more prominent.

I rested my head against the window of the car and listened to Harry as he hummed to the every song that came on the radio. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed the sound of him.

In life, you tend to miss things when they weren’t yours anymore. You tend to miss things when you didn’t have the privilege to own it again. You tend to miss things when they were stolen away from you.

I had never realized how much I missed the simplest thing such as being in the car as Harry. I missed listening to him humming or singing to songs that were on the radio like he knew every single song that exist, I also missed how I would tell him to shut up but he would only sing louder and I missed the comfortable silence that fell upon us.

This silence, it wasn’t comfortable at all.

I could hear what he was not saying and it was driving me crazy. It was like we had stopped breathing in this car. When he finally spoke, I felt a little better.

“Are you mad?” His voice was quiet and low.

I cracked one eye open and looked at him who had his eyes trained on the road in front of him. “Why should I?” I frowned.

He grazed his tongue over his lips before he spoke, one of his hands reached up to run through his disheveled hair. His hair was getting long. “Well, I went on a date-“

“And you assumed I was mad?” I straightened up and looked at him, waiting for him to reply.

“Nnnnnooo.. Yes.” He sighed as his shoulders visibly slumped forward. He kicked the gas as the red lights turned green.

I let out a scoff – I wasn’t sure if I was mad but the thoughts of him going on a date wasn’t one I wanted to think about. “You went on a date, so what? It’s the right thing for you to do, Harry. No one can hold you back now.”

Harry swerved his car to the left and when I looked out the window, I noticed that he had stopped the car at least few miles away from my apartment.

“That's what everyone has been telling me but it doesn’t feel right, Sky.” He said slowly. “Like you said, it’s the right thing to do but it doesn’t feel right at all, Sky.” He leaned against the leather chair and sighed again, “I didn’t enjoy the date.”

My head spun, my heart sputtered and for a moment, I forgot that Louis was in the back seat.

“Why?” It came out so low as if I was scared to hear his answer. Maybe I really was scared; I wished I was drunk enough not to care what he was about to say to me. But come to think of it, not once had I not cared what Harry said.

Every word that came out of his lips remained in my mind, maybe I couldn’t recall it right now but I knew if I wanted to remember it, it would be at the forefront of my mind.

He closed his eyes momentarily and when he opened it, he gazed at me. “I keep comparing the girl to you. She didn’t order what you always order in the restaurant I brought you to before, she bloody waited for me to pull the chair out for her, she kept checking out the mirror to see how she looked, she kept on playing with her hair and when she giggled.. Oh God it was so annoying, Sky.”

I was pretty sure the girl he was talking about was even more beautiful than me, I would bet money on that. However I felt sorry for her because out of all people in the world, she was compared to a girl like me. The girl that obviously had nothing, the broken girl who didn’t deserve the man sitting next to her in the car, the girl who run away when everything around her fell apart, the girl who wasn’t brave enough to speak out or stand for what she wanted.

“She expects me to do things that I don’t think I want to do to her.” He swallowed like it was painful for him to speak. “She’s not you, Sky.” Harry’s voice was thick with emotion as he added the last bit.

I looked at him, my vision started to blur. I gulped, wanting the tears to leave me. “But she’s better than me.” I bit my bottom lip to stop it from quivering. Although it was quite dark, I knew Harry could see me and I didn’t want him to see me crying.

“S.. She’s not.” He answered. “She’s not, Sky.”

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

He stammered. “Nnnn.. Yeah, she is.”

I nodded and swallowed the lump in my throat. “Then why are you wasting that?”

“Because she’s-“

I knew what he was going to say so I had to cut him off. Of course she was not me because she was better than me. Everyone was better than me.

Before I could think of what I was going to say, my lips moved on their own.

“I’ve moved on, Harry.” I swallowed hard and turned to look at Harry who already had his gaze set on me. His green eyes displayed myriad of emotions and I knew that he didn’t believe me. I nodded my head once and continued, “And you should too.”

Sometimes in life, you also said things that you didn’t mean. Not because you wanted to hurt the person but because it was for the best, because you wanted the best for that person even if it meant hurting the person or you, yourself.

But then again, it was for the best.

Notes