Fading.

I’d like to think that most of the decisions I’ve made throughout my twenty years have been smart ones – most of them were impulsive but that was who I was. I acted on impulse; I let my emotions took control of me and never once had I allowed other people’s emotions to be incorporated in my decisions. But things were different once I met Harry. He made me think; he made me realized how pivotal it was to thinkbefore I decide – he made me cautious. In spite of that, I knew I was in a way still an impulsive person.

Granted, that side of me had never left.

I didn’t know how long it took for my mind to register his words but once it did, a myriad of emotions washed over me like a tidal wave. It went from astonishment to wretchedness to exhilaration for a microsecond – because he was standing right in front of me and he looked so good and better than the last time I had seen him – and finally it stopped to one emotion that I wasn’t good at handling but I had mastered the art of acknowledging it: rage. Pent up rage.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

I pushed myself off of the ground; I clenched my fists as tight as I could and with what was left in me I lash out at Harry. “What now?!” I screamed as I shoved him with as much force as I had but he didn’t in the least budge. That didn’t stop me though. I kept on shoving him until eventually he was at least few feet away from me.

My mind kept on telling me that he had something to tell me and that something had to do with Audrey. I casted my eyes to his car and there was no one inside but that however didn’t calm me. She could be at his apartment because he didn’t want me to meet her. He knew how I was going to react hence he was protecting her from me. She must be pacing in the apartment dressed in his shirt that smelled like him – the scent that I loved so much – and probably was worrying about Harry like I used to worry when he wasn’t around.

My breath had moved from controlled inhaling and exhaling to uncontrolled gasps and spurts. I could feel his green eyes on me the whole time and it felt as if they were laughing at me, at how pathetic I was once again for letting the rage took over myself.

I wasn’t satisfied however. I walked to him and shoved him again – this time he budged. It gave me satisfaction to know that I was stronger. He opened his mouth to say something but I cut him off. “Don’t say it.”

His frown deepened. He knew I knew.

I shouldn’t be crying because tears were for the weaker days. I was stronger than this - stronger than the girl who had just shoved Harry away. But this was one of the nights that I didn’t care. I’ve had a very long and bad day and I deserved to feel this way, to act this way.

When I heard movements from around me, I looked up to see that Harry had taken a step toward me. His pained expression matched mine as he took yet another step toward me until he was closer to me that I could smell his cologne. He was going to tell me that he was sorry and that he wished I could have known earlier.

“What do you want?” My voice came out weaker than I had expected and I winced at that. My throat was sore, too.

“Why did you do this?” He asked calmly. He shouldn’t ask that.

I didn’t answer him. I looked around to see if there’s anyone that was following Harry but there was no one. It was empty; everyone was gone, leaving only the two of us out here.

“No one follows me,” Harry said as if I had just said my thoughts out loud. I didn’t have to because he could read me. “Sky..” He continued when I didn’t response.

“What do you want? You’re going to tell me that you’re with Audrey now?” I asked once again, ignoring his plea for me to give him an answer from his previous question.

“I want you to talk to me.” He sighed, and continued, “and no,” he stressed out. “I’m not with Audrey. I haven’t seen her since..” He let his words trailed off. My thoughts were wrong. Harry wasn’t seeing me to throw yet another bad news that I didn’t think I could handle. He just wanted to talk to me – that surprised me.

I looked up from the ground, straight to his eyes and I regretted that. Just one look, he crashed down every wall I’ve built.

“I’m not up for talk, Harry. I’ve had a terrible day.” I said, walking away from him.

I didn’t get to go far though before his hand connected with my forearm; his hand was warm and I was reminded back on how much I loved his warmth. His action stopped me from walking and I stood there, forcing myself not to turn around and look at him, forcing me not to cave in.

“Sky, please.”

I closed my eyes momentarily before I turned around and prepared myself to look at him.

Before all of this happened, before Harry and I came to an end, I loved looking at him. I would take every chance I’ve had to look at his face – his beautiful face. It had reached the point where I could recall how many lines there were besides his eyes when he smiled, how many lines were formed when he frowned and I noticed even the littlest things on his face that God has gifted to him; from the small mole beneath his dimples to the subtle scars on his face. I remembered it all.

But now, looking at him pained me. It pained me to know that I could no longer reach out and poke his dimples when he smiled, I could no longer wipe out the lines when he puckered his forehead, I could no longer kiss his bottom lip that jutted out when he pouted and I could no longer touch him. He was restricted for me.

It scared me to go back to the dark place when I didn’t have Harry. When I was alone in this city with no one to turn to, with no one to look up to, with no one to tell me what I was doing, with no one to teach me how to be a better person. It terrified me to return back to the solitary life I had lived.

“Sky?”

I snapped out of my stupor and turned around. He was frowning.

“Daisy’s pregnant.” I announced quietly.

Harry was taken aback by what I had just told him but he didn’t show it. Before he could open his mouth to say something, I cut him off.

“Bennett is getting married.”

Harry didn’t say anything else as he released my forearm and pulled me in for a hug. I didn’t hesitate to rest my head on his chest as he comforted me. I didn’t know how I could go for over a month without his touch, without his embrace. I listened to his heartbeat that was slowing down and somehow that gave some sort of tranquility.

Harry radiated warmth, but he was shaking slightly, breathing shallowly. Sighing softly, I remembered how easy and comfortable touching him used to be. Apparently, that was all gone. I pulled back a little to tilt my head up and look at him.

My breath stopped when I saw that Harry had his eyes closed and his lips were set in a thin line and I immediately let go of him.

“Sky.” He started to object. Harry held his arms out to pull me against his chest once again but I didn’t accept it.

I shook my head and stepped away from him. “Harry, we shouldn’t be doing this.” I spurted out.

“It was just a hug.” He said nonchalantly.

I wrapped my hands around my body to keep it warm. Being apart from Harry made me realize that it was chilly out here and my fingers were numb from cold. I had left my jacket inside the pub before I went out to smoke.

“You told me you’re going to walk out of my life, Harry.” I remarked after a long awkward pause.

He looked up from his black boots and his eyes narrowed. It was dark out here but I could see that his eyes narrowed in anger – as if I had just ticked off something inside of him.

I knew for a fact that it was difficult to make Harry mad. He accepted everything that was thrown at him willingly, he had never complained and he was just accepting. He didn’t act on impulse like I usually did. We were two worlds collide and somehow we made it work. I could say the stupidest things ever but he would just smile it off.

He however couldn’t accept my words. Not tonight. His eyes flashed with what I could tell were anger. He grazed his tongue over his lips before he opened his mouth to speak

“Now you wanted that?!” He said with a venomous sting in his words. I grimaced. I had never wanted that – I had never even asked for it.

“I didn’t want that! You wanted it! You decided that for us!” I cried out. The calmness that I had few seconds ago had instantly vanished. I could feel the anger building up inside of me once again and I clenched my jaw. I clenched my fists as well until I could feel my fingers digging into my palms.

“I decided it? You were walking away from me when you told me you weren’t going to do so.” He looked anywhere but me as he said that and it only added up the anger I’ve had within me.

“I wasn’t walking away, you son of a bitch! I was going to give you a space so you could think because as you said it, things were hard between us and you wantedeasy.” I bellowed. “That night, you told me everything that I was feared of, Harry.”

Harry was taken off guard by the name I had given to him. I had never called him bad names before and honestly, I didn’t know I was capable of shouting that loud at him or even cursing at him because the person I was shouting and cursing at was the same person that I loved so much. But tonight he wasn’t that person. He was the person that had caused me pain – a lot of pain.

“And so you run.” Harry said in almost a boring tone. It was as if the thought of me running away from him because of him didn’t entertain him at all. “You can’t even face it, can you Sky?”

Any sympathy I ever felt for him immediately vanished. Any render emotion that I ever felt for him immediately vanished. Any friendship I thought we could build immediately vanished. I wanted him to vanish.

He was using my weakness against me and that wasn’t fair. Out of all people, he knew I was never good in facing challenges in life especially now without him by my side.

“What do you expect me to do, Harry?” I said almost in a whisper. I was backing out of this because one of us had to do it. We could go on and on, blaming each other and nothing would come out of this.

“Stay.” His voice softened as well after a long pause that he took before answering my question. “Stay like you once told me you would.” His voice cracked at that.

He couldn’t possibly tell me that I should have stayed when he had given me no choice to do that. I had told him I loved him and he replied it with a laugh – a mechanical laugh that tore my heart.

“I wasn’t given that choice when you told me you’re going to walk out of my life, Harry. I couldn’t even have a say in anything – you decided it.”

Harry clicked his tongue then he looked at me with a challenge in his eyes, “If you could, what would have you said, Sky? Enlighten me.”

With an aching sigh, I shook my head. It was too late. My heart was aching and I didn’t think I could handle any more argument between us. “Doesn’t matter.” I muttered as I walked back into the pub.

I picked up my jacket and bag that was laid out on the stool. Looking up at the man that worked behind the bar, I offered him a weak smile. He had seen me multiple times and I was sure he could read me. In fact, he was frowning at me right now.

“You okay, love?”

I could only nod and bid him goodbye. I would miss him; I wasn’t sure that I would be here again now that Harry knew I had been going here often.

When I walked out, Harry was still outside. He was leaning against the wall with one of his feet propped up as he shoved his hands into his long, black coat. His lips were parted as he exhaled his breath and looked ahead at the lights on the street. I didn’t wait for him to approach me as I went straight to my car. Just as I was about to open the door, Harry stopped me with his big hand. I sighed.

“Let me leave.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. I looked up at him and he ran his fingers through his hair as he exhaled through his mouth. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Everything has been said and done, let me go home.” I said, once again trying to open the door. My eyes were glued on his hand on my door, waiting for him to remove it.

“Sky,” He uttered, making my stomach churned. I had always liked how my name rolled out of mouth; he made it sound wonderful. He made me love my name.

I waited for him to say something, to shout at me or to point out how weak I was for walking away again but he said something else. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done or said that. I’m really sorry.”

I shook my head and he let me get into my car. A brief second before I shut the door, I heard him mumble, “Good night, Sky.”

I fought the urge to open the door and give him a kiss good night. So, I put the key into the ignition and backed out of the parking lot. I didn’t look back as I pressed the gas and sped home.


I’ve had a very long and dreadful day at work. Granted that we had only couple of days left until the fashion week kicked off, I was given tons of paperwork to go through and I was also asked to prepare a report.

I sighed in relief as the warmth of my apartment replaced the chilly weather outside. I threw my bunch of keys to the table and was startled when a deep voice greeted me.

“Hey you.”

“Jesus, Harry.” I clutched my hand to my chest as if my heart could have just leaped out of my ribcage. He chuckled at my reaction and went back to going through my letters.

I watched as he casually opened each letter and separated them into two categories: the ‘important’ and ‘unimportant’ letters. I rolled my eyes at what he was doing and shrugged out of my jacket. I waddled into the kitchen and opened the fridge to get a bottle of water out.

“You need to start going through your letters, Sky. Some of them are actually very important.” He stated as he continued opening the letters until he reached the last one.

“Doesn’t matter,” I muttered.

“Hey, you okay?” He asked from the couch. He puckered his forehead and looked at me with concern. I let out a sigh. “C’mere.” He patted his lap and I reluctantly dragged myself back into the living room. “Come on now.” He patted it again with a slight smile in his tone.

I rolled my eyes and eventually sat on his lap. He started fiddling with my hair and looked at me intently. “Bad day?”

“Yeah.” I answered shortly.

We stayed like that; Harry held me in his arms as he fiddled with my hair and told me everything about his day. It sounded better than mine, from what I heard. He had gone golfing with the lads and apparently he won. I smacked his shoulder when he tickled my neck – my sensitive spot.

“I’ve made us dinner.” He muttered as he kissed my cheek.

I looked at him, “how long have you been here?”

“Long enough to cook dinner and open all of your letters. Seriously Sky you need to-“

I didn’t want to hear him going on and on about how I didn’t like to open my letters so I pulled him in for a kiss. He was about to protest when I wrapped my arms around his neck and deepened the kiss. Harry sighed softly into my lips and returned my kiss with the same intensity. Before it could get any more intense, I pulled away and smiled.

“Why would I do that if I have you to do it for me?”


I spent Sunday in bed. I spent Sunday in bed wallowing. I spent Sunday in bed sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow. I knew it was childish, and it wasn’t solving any of my problems, but I was allowing myself a day to grieve. I had been strong for as long as I could and on Sunday, I grieved over our ending relationship, over the could-be future that would never be, over the curly haired, green eyes guy that I loved so much. I replayed the last time we’d spent together over and over again; wishing stupidly, that if I had known it would be the last time, so I could have committed every detail to memory.

I eventually passed out from exhaustion. When I woke up, it was a dreary, rainy Monday morning, like the universe, in some small way, at least felt my pain.

Monday morning at work was like any other Monday morning at work. The people were tired and grumpy from their weekend being over. Landon didn’t give me much work though as if he also knew what I was going through. Allison didn’t talk much besides giving me coffee when I asked her to. She offered me sad smile when I passed her cubicle but that was the only communication we had with each other.

Daisy met me after work at a small café near my office and told me that the guy who I had only found out named Ben wasn’t backing away just because of her pregnancy. They were going to figure things out and I was glad for her – for them. She told me how the appointment with the doctor went like, how Ben handled the news, how her parents handled the news but somehow some time later I found myself zoning out.

Her blissful reminiscing ended and she seemed to notice my mood for the first time even though I was trying very hard to appear upbeat and normal. However I knew sooner or later Daisy would put the pieces together.

“Are you okay?” Her eyes narrowed in concern.

“I met Harry.”

She started frowning. “It didn’t go well?”

I shook my head and she immediately hugged me and I swallowed, so no more tears would flow. I was done with crying – at least that was what I convinced myself to believe.

“I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“It’s fine.”

After a couple of normal conversations, I told her I needed to go home.

Tuesday turned out to be my dwelling day. From the moment I woke up and put on my work pantsuit and a moderate blouse top, I swelled. While I brushed out my hair and pinned half up neatly into a clip, I swelled. When I ate my breakfast of cream cheese on a toasted bagel, I swelled. As Landon got after me for missing one tiny slip of paper in a finished report, Allison came into the room with a cup of coffee.

I thanked her for bringing the coffee and she replied with a, “Don’t mention it.”

Wednesday was bitch day. I woke up mad. I took the white dress out of my closet and put it on. I had never worn that dress since Liam’s 21st birthday party because it reminded me of Harry. But I pushed the thoughts into the back of my mind because lately, everything seemed to remind me of Harry. I brushed my hair and decided to style it down that day. When guys eyed me in that dress, I gave them a look that could kill – no one could look at me unlike Harry.

The look he used to give me held so much passion in it. But these guys, I hated the look they had in their eyes.

I let out a huff when Landon handed me a stack of paper – something that I had never done before because I loved my job no matter how tiring it was – but on Wednesday I actually huffed at him. He quirked one of his eyebrows at me and when I didn’t return the amused look he had on his face, he raised his hands defensively and left me alone.

Sometime throughout the day, Allison must have called Daisy because that evening, she showed up at my apartment with her boyfriend, Ben and dragged me, nearly kicking and screaming, to a local bar. She brought me to the one I had never been to before and claimed that this was the place she used to go to everyday if she was having a terrible day. The duo poured vodka after vodka down my throat and I stopped snapping at people around me. By seven drinks, I was hovering over the toilet and cursing Allison for calling Daisy and cursing Daisy for coming up with this ridiculous idea with Ben.

That brought me to Thursday – remorse day. I woke up with a throbbing head and a tilting stomach. I pulled my hair up as much as I could and sullenly made my way out into the chilly morning weather. When I got into my office, I went straight to Landon and apologized to him.

“Hey, everyone has bad day, right? It’s fine.” He smiled. I thanked him and left his room.

Allison smiled at me from her cubicle and I reciprocated it.

Friday came at last and I was better by then. I left work earlier than usual because I finished everything before the day ended. I smiled at Landon, Allison and everyone that were still around before I left.

I did reminisce about Harry for a split second when I was in bath; I closed my eyes and I saw him – I saw us. I missed him. I missed his scent. I missed his smile. I missed the quiet conversation we usually have in bath or before we sleep. I missed his touch. I missed his kiss. I missed.. everything.

Before I could dwell myself in another sadness party, I reluctantly got out of the bath and changed into something more comfortable for me to sleep in.

Mum had called in to ask how I was doing and I told her that I was feeling better.

“I’m coming to London next week.” She broke the news.

“That’s great, mum. You can stay here if you want.” I offered.

She appeared to sigh in relief and accepted my offer. I made a mental date when she was going to arrive so I could pick her up at the airport. Mum started telling me how Tristan and Haley had been spending a lot of time together and that left her alone in the house when Dad went out for work. She sighed and wished I were there with her so I could fill in the loneliness in the house.

“Well, you’re coming here in a week, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I guess I’ll see you then.”

We bid goodbyes and she reminded me that she loved me. So I did the same although I had never told her I loved her before. She was surprised but nonetheless happy to hear it. Mum ended the call and I put my phone aside. My eyes narrowed down the coffee table that was full of letters and I pondered for a moment if I should open the letters.

If I did that, it meant that Harry was out of my life; it meant that I had let him go, it meant that I was moving on. Before I could decide what I was going to do with the letters, there was a knock on the door. Thinking it was Daisy; I threw my feet to the cold floor and trudged down the hall that led me to the front door. I swung the door open and the shock was on me.

Harry was standing in front of me dressed in a seaweed green sweater that I had never seen before with his infamous ripped black jeans. For a moment I let myself got lost in him. But when I looked up, he wasn’t looking at me – he was looking at what I was wearing.

That was when I did the same and that was also when I realized that I had absentmindedly chosen his black and red plaids flannel shirt to be worn to sleep. I looked up and met his green eyes; he had the look that I had seen multiple times, the look that I missed so much.

Notes

Hiiii Guys,thanks for 132 reading,kisses