Fading.

I flipped my head up from drying my hair and stared at my reflection. Judging from my appearance, I couldn’t exactly tell if I looked better or the other way around. I had effortlessly fallen back into the usual pattern except that this time I didn’t have Harry to look forward to when I came home and it was replaced by going to the pub every night to avoid the surge of emptiness that came rushing in each time I stepped inside my apartment. Usually, by the time I got home, I was drunk and tired.

My place was unbearably silent and empty. There were unread letters all over the coffee table and I didn’t bother to read any of them because that was what Harry usually did – it was his role in this apartment. I also had hid his favourite cup into the back of the cabinet so I wouldn’t see it each time I went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee every morning. Although sometimes I was itching to use his cup just wanted to relive the fact that he was mine.

Was.

However, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how far I had pushed Harry, he would always resurface and found his way back to get under my skin. And he stayed there.

I knew I shouldn’t pay that much attention to my whirlwind emotions, but it seemed like the only thing that I could think about. It wouldn’t feel so much like captivity if Harry and I didn’t meet each other few days ago. The way he looked at me that night, it took me back to those days when he wasn’t distant and uneasy, when I was in a trance, one where I was ignoring everything in order to focus on Harry. But when he grown distant, it immediately snapped me out of that trance.

As I finished getting ready for work, I shut off the bathroom door and made my way to the living room. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Daisy perched on one of the couches – the couch that I had stayed away from for almost a week.

She wasn’t looking at me when I walked toward her. As a matter of fact, she was avoiding my gaze, which could only mean one thing: she was crying and I wasn’t used to seeing her cry. I kneeled down in front of Daisy and frowned when she threw her arms around my neck. She buried her head on my shoulder and cried. I let her.

Five minutes had passed and I figured it was time I asked her what’s wrong. I gently pushed her away from me before she soaked my work blouse some more. “What happened?”

She didn’t straight away answer my question, which only made me worried. Daisy wasn’t one to cry easily; she’s a tough nut to crack. Daisy was exactly the vice versa of Skylar – of me.

“I’m scared,” her voice was defeated. What was she scared of? Before I could ask, she answered my thought. “I think I’m pregnant.”

That set me off.

She couldn’t be pregnant. This was definitely a false alarm. My best friend had always been careful. She didn’t need to be put into misery; she deserved to be happy and lived her life to the fullest before she had to commit her life into something that serious. God knew she had a bright future and someone just had to ruin it.

My sadness immediately molded into anger. I looked straight into her eyes and asked.

“W-Who?”

Daisy answered with a choke, “the guy I told you about.”

“Are you sure about the pregnancy?”

Her face paled. I had never seen her this way since forever and I hated it. I hated it so much that I wished this was all a dream and when I woke up, there was no more bad news waiting for me. “I haven’t checked, Sky, I’m terrified. What if it comes out positive? What am I supposed to do?”

I couldn’t come up with the right answer at the moment so I pulled her in for a hug – a hug that I hoped was enough for her – and I assured her that whatever the outcome was, she would never lose me because I would always be there for her like she did for me.

Despite the entire tough act I put upfront, I could feel my heart sinking even deeper than I thought it was possible; I was slowly losing positivity in my life.

*

Daisy eventually fell asleep on the couch and I told her not leave my place until I got back from work. I didn’t know what we were going to do when I was back but I just wanted her to be there so she wouldn’t have to face everything alone like I did.

“Everything alright?” Allison’s voice snapped me out of my stupor. I looked up and smiled slightly. She had been nothing but concerned.

“Yeah.”

“You seemed off a few minutes ago.” Allison’s skeptical eyes didn’t leave mine as I tried to avoid her gaze by focusing on the papers on the table in front of me. I had no idea what have I read but I tried to appear interested on the article rather than her questioning look. “Do you need something?”

“Coffee would be good,” I said with a sigh. I needed a break.

Allison nodded once and left me for a few minutes before she came back with a cup of coffee. As she set it on my table, she took a seat on the vacant chair in front of me. “Rough morning?”

She had no idea. I nodded my head once and tried to come across as being nonchalant so she wouldn’t look into it. I trusted Allison but I didn’t trust her enough to tell her everything that had been going on in my life. Sure she knew about Harry and I because it was spread all over the Internet and newspaper but she didn’t know what exactly happened between us. The media had successfully convinced everyone that we broke up because of the distance, because of how Harry and I thought long distance relationship wouldn’t work out - that was all lies – distance wasn’t a problem; it was us. Some also assumed that we broke up because I had someone else, which was utter bullshit because there was no one else nor would there be. And some assumed that Harry had gotten back together with Audrey in which I had no say about it.

I avoided watching the television, going on the Internet and even buying the newspaper because I didn’t want to know a thing about it. If it was true that Harry and Audrey were back together, then I refused to acknowledge it. I would rather be kept in the dark than knowing the truth.

The sound of someone clearing her throat caused me to jump. I looked up to see that it was just Allison and she was still sitting across me with a frown etched on her forehead. “You okay? You wandered away for a moment there.”

It seemed like that was the only thing I had been doing this lately. I kept losing my focus on something, on anything.

I took a sip of the coffee and put the cup down. “I didn’t get much sleep last night.” I settled for the regular reason – a reason that no one could assume was a lie – although it was partially true.

“I have to get back to work. If you need me, just call out my name.” Allison said with a sad smile taunting her face, got up from the chair and left.

It was all that I saw this week: sad smiles playing on everyone’s faces as I walked past them.

*

By the time I got home, it was ten past six and I rushed inside with hopes that Daisy hasn’t left. If she left, I knew where I could find her but still, I wished she didn’t leave like I told her not to.

When I saw her sitting on the couch with her arms wrapped around her body, I almost sighed in relief but when I saw the look on her face, I held my breath. I was careful not to break the silence but when I reached her, she spoke without looking at me.

“It’s positive.”

I dropped to the empty seat next to her and pulled her in for a hug because that was all I got to offer – just a damn hug. I stroked her hair as she silently cried. “Are you going to tell him?”

“Nnnn.. I don’t know.”

“Does he love you?” I asked.

Despite the tears that haven’t stopped rolling down her cheeks, I was surprised that she managed to talk clearly. “We haven’t confessed anything to each other so..” she let her voice trailed off.

“Do you at least think he loves you?” I needed confirmation.

“Maybe.” That wasn’t enough but I took it. “God, Sky. What am I supposed to do now?”

It wasn’t my role to come up with a plan because that was hers; just like it was Harry’s when it came to reading my letters that were scattered on the coffee table. Daisy was one hell of a strategist so she should know what she was supposed to do now and the upcoming time. But the roles had been reversed and I was the one who was expected to come up with a plan.

I almost laughed. Not because of the irony of the situation but because I still didn’t know what to do with my life and now I had to think of Daisy’s.

The sound of a phone ringing broke the silence. Daisy looked at me in horror and the colour in her face drained when she looked at the caller ID. “It’s him,” she almost whispered. I didn’t know why she was whispering but I replied with a similar hushed tone.

“Tell him,” I urged her. I didn’t know if I liked this guy or not but I supposed he deserved to know about it. Besides, Daisy needed someone that could be positive for her and I wasn’t that person. God knew I probably never would be that person.

She nodded at me once and left the living room to talk to her.. boyfriend or whatever she addressed him to be. I sighed and leaned back on the couch. I closed my eyes and within seconds I drifted into sleep.

Daisy’s footsteps approached the living room fifteen minutes later and when I cracked my eyes open to look at her, she had changed into one of my clothes and looked presentable than she was before. She had washed her face, too. “He’s coming to pick me up.” She said.

I nodded and forced a smile. That was good, wasn’t it? At least he wasn’t going to leave her.

“I’m still scared, Sky. You know I’ve never been scared.” Her voice was small and weak. She was right – she had never been this scared. “Thank you for listening.”

That was all I was good at: listening.

“You would do the same, would you, D?” She nodded and smiled sincerely. I knew she would go far for me. And I would, for her.

When there was a knock on the door, Daisy got up from the couch and gave me one last hug. “I’m going to call you.” She assured me. “And tell you everything.”

“Yes you are going to do that.” I smiled to lighten up the tense.

She looked at the door and looked back at me. “I should go.” She was nervous, I could tell.

“If it doesn’t go right between him and you, tell me. I might need to kick his ass.”

Daisy let out a soft laugh and I was glad to hear that.

“I will.” She looked straight into my eyes and continued, “I love you.”

“I know, and I love you too.”

Daisy didn’t say anything else as she turned around and walked toward the front door. I was about to retreat back to my room to change my clothes when I heard Daisy exchanged words with someone at the door.

“Sky?” I stopped in my track and looked at the person that was approaching me. Bennett.

I frowned; surprised to see him here still dressed in his work suit. I could only assume that he went here straight from his office. “What are you doing here?”

I could tell from his frown that probably matched mine that Bennett didn’t appreciate the way I greeted him. “I suppose paying my friend a visit isn’t a good thing?”

“You just got back from work.” I stated.

“Yes, you’re good at this guessing game, Sky.” He smiled charmingly. I rolled my eyes and went back into the living room and Bennett followed suit. “I hope I’m not disturbing you?”

“No,” I sunk down on the couch and turned on the television.

“Look, I came here because..” He fidgeted with his fingers and I frowned even deeper. He took something out from his coat and handed it to me. It was an envelope and inside it was a card. An invitation card. An invitation card to his wedding. I looked up at him and he smiled awkwardly.

“Lauren wanted to be here when I give this to you but she’s visiting her parents so..” From the corner of my eyes I saw Bennett taking a seat on the armchair and waited for me to say something – say anything. “I hope you’ll be there. Lauren wanted you to be one of the bridesmaids but if you can’t, that’s fine.”

My ex boyfriend was getting married in a month. His fiancé wanted me to be her bridesmaid. They both wanted me to be at the wedding. I had no idea that they were even engaged. And my best friend was pregnant.

“Wow.”

Bennett looked up from his fingers, “Wow?”

I shook my head. I was still having a hard time trying to register everything that I had been told today. It felt like tons of weights had been crushed on top of me and I couldn’t breathe.

“Congratulations.” I managed to say after a long silence between us. Bennett’s face broke into a smile as he thanked me.

I watched as the corner of his eyes twinkled when he smiled – his smile was a sincere one and I realized that I had at least made one right choice in my life: letting Bennett go. He now had Lauren and she was probably the best for him. Much better that I was for him.

“Are you okay?”

I didn’t realize I had zoned out. “Yeah,” I replied.

He frowned. If there was one person besides Daisy and Harry that I couldn’t lie to was Bennett. He could see right through me. “I know what happened between you and Harry.”

“Doesn’t everyone know about it, though?” I tried to say it nonchalantly but it ended up sounding bitter instead. I bit my tongue and out the wedding card down on the coffee table. His eyes darted down to the small table as well.

“Are you going to make a collection of unread letters?”

“Yeah, sounds cool, doesn’t it?”

Bennett sighed. “Do you want to talk?” I didn’t want to talk because there was nothing to talk about. When I shook my head, Bennett sighed again. “I should go now.” He got up from the couch and I did the same.

The scent of Bennett invaded my sense as he stepped closer and hugged me – really hugged me. I rested my head on his shoulder and accepted the hug. I needed one anyway and his hug used to be my favourite. It was warm and pleasant. I closed my eyes and for a moment I forgot everything that bothered me.

“You sure you’ll be okay?” He asked one more time as he stopped right outside my door. I nodded my head and assured him that I would be okay and he didn’t need to worry about me. I also told him to say hi to Lauren from me.

Just the name of Lauren being spoken made Bennett smiled so wide. I was happy for him – I really was.

*

Not long after Bennett left, I found myself in the same dimly lit, smoke filled pub as I knocked back one shot and called for more. I could name the familiar faces that I often saw in the pub, men drinking themselves into oblivion – just like me – and women that tossed themselves at random people because of their desperation to feel wanted.

“Want one?” I turned to my left and a man offered me a cigarette. I had tried smoking before and had never wanted to try again but tonight I needed anything that could make me feel numb – anything that could stop the pain.

My ex boyfriend was getting married. My best friend was pregnant. And another one of my ex boyfriend might have moved on to a better person.

“Sure,” I took one from his fingers and he smirked. I left some money under the glass and left the pub. It wasn’t hard to find another people smoking outside the bar so I walked up to them and asked if they could light up my cigarette. And they did it willingly.

I exhaled the smoke as I leaned against the cold brick wall and eventually my butt met the concrete ground. I dragged my fingers back up to my lips and before the cigarette could reach my lips, someone swatted my hand. The action sent the cigarette flying down to the ground and seconds later a pair of black boots kicked it away. I didn’t have it in me to shout at the person who did that.

I also didn’t bother to look up to see who it was until I heard the voice. That was when all of my senses started to work. My eyes really saw the black boots that I so much recognized, my jaw dropped open, my nose picked up the scent of his cologne and the smell of him and my ears perked up at his words.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I swore I heard disappointment in his voice but probably it was just my mind playing a trick on me. Why would he be disappointed in me?

I lazily looked up through my hooded eyes that had grown heavy over time and Harry was staring at me intently. I had no idea how had he found me but I was both glad and mad that he was here.

Wasn’t it enough that he had been on my mind all the time and now he had to be standing right in front of me? Was he going to tell me bad news, too?

Notes