Fading.

Back then I used to kiss men because I wanted to feel the numbness – pure numbness. It had sort of become a habit for me to go to a bar, drank myself into a stupor and found a man for the night. It didn’t go further, however. I would just make out with the guys and that was it. Once I knew I had felt the numbness, I stopped myself. I had never let it go far from that.

That hadn’t happened since I started spending time with Harry. He made realize just how foolish my habit was but he didn’t know what actually happened; he knew I drank every night but he didn’t know I kissed different guy just to satisfy my selfish self. He didn’t know I was a very selfish person that only cared about her feeling, but he knew I wasn’t good for him. Yet, he stayed.

When I was around Harry, I didn’t want him to know who I really was. I wanted to change, I wanted to be someone better.. for him. He was nice – really nice – and I thought if I didn’t meet his expectations, he wouldn’t like me. But of course, he proved me wrong. No matter how fucked up I was, he still loved me.

I, on the other hand, gave up the second he messed up.

“I’m glad you’re back,” Daisy said as she pulled me in for a hug. We had never go on without each other for more than five days; so did Harry and I.

I had called her to pick me up at the airport and she didn’t argue like she used to whenever I asked her to fetch me from the airport early in the morning. I knew for a fact that she was not a morning person but today was another case. I could feel her observing me as I put my duffel bag inside her car. She had questions – a lot of them – prepared inside her mind so she could ask me whenever I gave her the permission to do so.

“I’m tired,” I shot her a slight smile and climbed into the passenger side. I saw her face dropped and I knew I owe her at least one answer after the favor she had done for me. “Just one question.”

Daisy smiled and bit her lip, probably contemplating which question she wanted to ask. “What happened between you and Harry?”

“We broke up – he broke up with me.” I answered simply. I knew she was going to ask me that but that didn’t mean I was prepared to talk about it. I let out a sigh and rested my head on the cold window of the car. I didn’t know if it was the right decision to come back to London but I didn’t want to stay in Seattle either. Seeing happy people made me angry and I needed to stay away from that emotion.

Daisy glanced at me and frowned. The answer that I had given to her wasn’t what she wanted to hear. I knew it. One question was never enough for her. “Why?”

I groaned, “That’s two questions.”

“Fine,” she huffed. “But I’m not letting this go. Sooner or later, I need to know what the fuck happened between the two of you.”

I could only let out a sigh as she continued to drive. I hadn’t told her where I was going but I guessed she knew where I belonged to now. She parked her car and looked at me, “Do you want me to come with you?”

I looked around and noticed that I was in the parking lot of my apartment. I couldn’t remember when was the last time I was here because I had been spending most of my time at Harry’s especially since he had a break from the tour. I even left some of my stuffs there.

“If you want to, yeah.” I replied and got out of the car.

Daisy followed me silently from the car up until I unlocked the door and it was when I got inside the apartment that she broke the silence, “I can’t stand this. I’ve got shitloads of questions that I want to ask you.”

I dropped my duffel bag to the floor and sat on the couch. She did deserve to know what actually happened between Harry and I after I had ignored her for days. After all, she was the only person that I had right now.

So I let out another sigh before I told her everything, leaving out the part where I kissed Niall. She would flip out if she knew about it and I didn’t want anyone to know about it.

*

I didn’t realize when or how I had fallen asleep but when I woke up it was already midnight. I looked around the living room and it was empty. Plain emptiness. I didn’t feel the warmth anymore; I didn’t feel like at home, at all. I was so used to the environment in Harry’s apartment that I had forgotten how it felt like to be in my own living room.

I used to like it so much. Just being in this apartment made me feel good. I had always looked forward to spending my weekends in my own apartment but not anymore. It felt and seemed dull compared to what I had been seeing everyday for the past few months and it seemed smaller too.

I picked up the blanket that was on the floor, folded it nicely and placed it on the couch. There were mails on the coffee table but I wasn’t in the mood to open them. I walked into my room and that was when it hit me. Images of Harry and I tangled on the bed were haunting me and I had to close the door so it would stop. It seemed like every corner of this apartment had traces of Harry.

I could see him sitting on the couch with his brows furrowed as he read every single mail that I had received – he hated how I didn’t bother to read them because to him it could be important. I could also see him in the kitchen, his back to me as he hummed softly while making me a cup of coffee and himself a cup of tea – I tried drinking tea before but I didn’t like it as much as I liked coffee and he thought I was weird.

It was unfair how I was haunted by each memory of him in this house.

I turned to my left and there, I could see myself chasing after Harry as he stole my laptop and disturbed me from finishing my works. He hated it when I ignored him and always tried to make me talk to him whenever I was doing my works.

Laptop. I left it at Harry’s. I left most of my stuffs at his apartment and now I knew why some couples were afraid of moving in together – once you’re not together, you had no where to live. I was glad that I still had this apartment to live in despite the memories that kept flooding in.

I grabbed my car key and the next thing I knew, my car was parked in the parking lot of Harry’s apartment. I observed the parking lot and noticed that Harry’s car wasn’t here.

“They’re in New York for a week I guess you could prepare yourself before you meet him again.”

Taking the extra key and duffel bag with me, I stepped into the lift and clicked the button to Harry’s level. I couldn’t believe I was doing this but I needed my stuffs back and now was the right time since he wasn’t around. I couldn’t believe that I would go through this. The whole time I was cooped up with Harry, I had never thought we would go down this way.

The second I stepped into the apartment, I knew I had made the wrong decision of coming here. It was just too much. I could feel his presence and everything hadn’t changed since the day we left. This place, it felt like home. There were pillows on the floor and next to it was my laptop. I was here for my stuffs, I reminded myself – nothing more. I scrambled around the room, picking up every thing that belonged to me and shoving it into my duffel bag.

Heart pumping, I headed into the bedroom. Everything had been left untouched; I noticed that the bed was unmade; the white quilt was folded carefully on the duvet – just the way we left it. My own face smiled back at me at from the top of the bedside table, my hair pulled into a ponytail, Harry stood next to me with his arm around my waist and he was looking at me as if there was no one around, as if he had no care in the world, as if there was just only us.

My knees felt like bags of water. I knew I should race out of the apartment and go back to my place. But all those things seemed distant – I needed to be here, needed to memorize how this place looked like before I leave.

Out of instinct, I took a deep breath and grabbed Harry’s jeans that was on the floor and folded it. I placed it on top of the drawer and next thing I knew, I was cleaning up the room. I couldn’t stand seeing it like this and I knew Harry wouldn’t want to see it this way either.

I opened the closet and saw that half of it was filled with my clothes. Harry had never argued about that – in fact, he liked it. He liked seeing my stuffs in his room because‘it reminds me that I have you in this room, in this apartment and you aren’t going anywhere’.

I shoved the thoughts to the back of my mind and began to take out every piece of my clothing out of the closet. I took the white dress that Harry had loved so much. I remembered the way he looked at me when I first wore this to a dinner with his friends.

“You can’t wear this,” he said as his eyes moved up and down. I liked the idea of him being possessive because of me but that wouldn’t stop me from wearing this dress. I had bought it a day after he told me we were meeting his friends.

“And why can’t I?” I smiled smugly as I took a seat on the edge of the bed, putting on my black heels.

Harry looked at me; he couldn’t come up with a reason as to why I couldn’t so I smirked and stood up. “Wear a jacket, at least?”

I smiled. “Are you jealous that someone else is going to see me in this dress?”

He shook his head then stopped. “Uh, maybe.” I raised one of my eyebrows at him and he let out a defeated sigh. “Fine, yes.”

“That’s cute.”

“Cute is not the right word to describe me.” He groaned. He hated it when I called him cute. “Just wear a jacket, yeah?” He walked over the closet and took out my black jacket. “here, take this with you.”

I looked at the jacket and took it. “Fine, just because I don’t want you to beat your friends up.”

“Who says I would do that?” The teasing tone was back in his voice.

“I say so.”


The whole time I was taking out my clothes, I was half aware of the surrounding. Every single piece of clothing that was in this closet reminded me of Harry.

That was until I heard footsteps coming.

“W-What are you doing?” His raspy voice froze me. He wasn’t supposed to be here, he was supposed to be in New York – not in the same room as me when I was taking everything that belonged to me out of this apartment. “Sky?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and answered his questions, “I’ll be done in a minute.”

“Don’t.”

I didn’t need this. All I needed was to get the hell away from this place.

“Sky, stop.”

My fingers began to tremble as I tried to hold the tears back. Just hearing his voice was enough to break down the walls that I’ve built for almost a month. A month. I haven’t seen him in a month. A month since I had my heart tore out of my chest. A month since I lost him.

I stopped taking my clothes out of the closet but I didn’t turn to look at him. One look and I knew I would crumble down.

“Sky, what are you doing?” He sounded so calm.

I wanted to ask him if he went through hell like I did or if he still cared about me. I wanted to know how he was doing; I wanted to just talk to him as if nothing happened between us. I wanted this moment to be just like another night when he came back from tour and I was here to welcome him. When he would kiss me and tell me how much he missed me, when we would end up on the bed, our feet tangled with each other.

But that didn’t apply tonight. And none of it would happen.

“I needed my stuffs back,” my voice cracked.

From the corner of my eyes, I could see that he had set his duffel bag down on the floor and took a seat on the edge of his bed.

“You didn’t reply my text,” he whispered.

“Yeah.”

“Sky, look at me.” He sounded as if he almost pleaded me to look at him.

I took a deep breath, calming down my heartbeat that was beating far too fast. It didn’t work. “I can’t.”

Harry let out a heavy sigh and even if I didn’t look at him, I could see him running his fingers through his hair. It was getting long and if things were okay between us, I would tell him to get a haircut.

“Niall told me he went to the wedding,” I stopped breathing.

“And?”

“Look at me.”

I couldn’t bring myself to look at him if he already knew that I kissed Niall – his best mate, out of everyone it was his best mate that I kissed – and it felt as if I had cheated on him. I had officially won the title for the stupidest person to ever walk on this earth.

“Please.”

Harry didn’t have to say please because I knew I had wanted to look at him ever since he stepped into this room. I took a deep breath and braved myself to turn around. When I did, a pained look shadowed his face. He knew.

“He said that you didn’t look okay.” That was it? Niall didn’t tell him anything more?

“I’m sorry, Sky. I knew it was my fault that you weren’t okay, fuck, I don’t know why I’m even talking right now.” He breathed out. Harry had the tendency to always blame himself when something happened and right now, I saw him battling with himself as he tugged the end of his hair and chewed on his bottom lip.

I watched in silence as he struggled to keep himself together. “I didn’t know you would be here,” I whispered. It hurt to talk but the silence hurt more.

Harry looked up at me and frowned, “You still have the key with you?”

“Yeah I’m going to give it back to-“

“Don’t. I mean.. you can keep it.” He fumbled with his fingers and he got up from the bed and walked toward me. When he noticed that I flinched the closer he got to me, he stopped. “I want you to keep it.”

So I could sneak in whenever I missed him? So it would remind me of him? “That’s not a good idea,” I said. The three lines appeared on his forehead as he frowned deeper. I could tell that he was waiting for an explanation. “We’re not together anymore.” I took the key out of my pocket and handed it to him. He looked at it and refused to take it from me. “Keep it for your girlf-“

“No,” he cut me off. He was making this hard on me – on us. He took a deep breath and paced back and forth. “I wanted to see you for days but I didn’t expect it to be this way.”

He had wanted to see me? I was in Seattle and I just got back here.

“I was in New York and I considered on going to Seattle to see you.” He answered my thoughts. “But I couldn’t do it. I haven’t been here either since we..” he trailed off and stopped pacing. He looked around the room as if to remember how it looked like before.

“I’m just going to leave.” Because if I didn’t things would get more complicated. I walked to the door and he took the chance to speak.

“Damn it, Sky. Why can’t you see that I want you here? I need you here?”

I stopped dead at my tracks. I knew I shouldn’t be here – I knew all along but I was stubborn. A part of me wanted to see him because I missed him so much. Now that I have seen him, my emotions were in a mess. “I can’t be here, Harry.” I answered weakly.

“Why?”

I didn’t have an answer for that. “Because I just can’t. I don’t belong here anymore.”

“You do belong here, Sky. Look around.” He observed the room for a proof and pointed to the dresser that stood at the corner of the room. “Look there, you have your makeup there and there,” he pointed to a drawer next to it, “in that drawer, you have your sleepwear. You have everything in this place, Sky, don’t tell me you don’t belong here.” If I didn’t listen closely, I wouldn’t hear how pained he sounded.

Harry wasn’t going to break me again.

“Don’t you go there, Harry.”

“Why? Because I can’t?” He scoffed.

I shook my head, “no because you’re done with me. Remember what you told me?”

Harry’s feature softened and he walked towards me. “Bab- Sky, can we please talk?”

“I can’t do this now, Harry. This hurts too much.” I grabbed my stuffs and turned around to leave Harry in the room alone.

Before I left, I dared myself to look at him for the last time. Harry parted his lips but smacked it close as if had something to say but he let it go – he let me go.

I had never seen this day coming – the day when I was the one who walked away from Harry. It hurt but it was for the best. He probably didn’t mean what he said to me and I wasn’t here for that; I was here just for my stuffs.

I climbed into my car and let out the breath that I had been holding and cried as the pain of loss surged up inside me like a wave. I cried until my chest hurts and until I couldn’t breathe before I left the parking lot.


“Good morning, Sky,” he kissed the corner of my lips and I smiled. The way my name rolled out of his tongue sounded perfect.

“Say it again.”

“Good morning?” He frowned at me.

I shook my head and smiled, “No, silly. Say my name again.”

“Sky.” He breathed and kissed my nose. “Skylar Spencer.” He pronounced it perfectly and I pulled him down by his necklace and kissed his lips.

The kiss was feather light at first but as he applied more pressure to it, I pulled him closer, wanting to feel his skin against mine. Chest to chest, nose to nose, palm to palm – we were always just that close. It felt so right; it felt as if I was finally at home when I was in his arms. His face broke into a smile as he pulled away but our lips were still dangerously close to one another. I toyed with his curls and reciprocated his smile.

“Harry.” I breathed.

“Hmm?” He kissed the spot behind my ear, his breath tickled against my skin. “What is it, Skylar?”

Damn it, he really was messing with me.

“I need to pee,” I tried to hold back the laughter but when his chest vibrated as he laughed, I joined him.

“Way to ruin my perfect morning, baby.” He rolled off of me and smirked.

I looked at him and leaned in for a quick kiss but he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me on top of him. He bit my bottom lip playfully and grinned as I pulled away.

“Need to pee, remember?” I reminded him and got out of bed.

“You’re the one who can’t resist me.” He sent a wink at me and I rolled my eyes. He was right; I couldn’t resist him.

*

The memories kept coming in as if they were mocking me for being too happy back then. It felt as if they were now laughing at me.

I needed to get out of the house and I knew the only way to get me out of this apartment was if I had to go to work. I wondered if I still had my job. Out of consciousness, I grabbed my phone and dialed Landon’s number.

“Sky,” he answered on the third ring.

“Landon.”

“Are you ready to get back?” He asked which surprised me. I thought he was going to tell me that I had lost my job but he didn’t. “Hello? Are you there?”

“I-I thought I lost my job.”

“You will if you don’t come in tomorrow.” He sounded serious but I knew he was joking. I sighed in relief and thanked him. “Your friend, Niall, he called me and said you had something going on and that’s why you couldn’t come in?”

“He did.”

“Yes, he did.”

Landon and I talked for a while before he ended the call. I couldn’t believe that Niall had contacted Landon to explain to him why I was absent.

“Hello?”

“Niall, hi.” Now that I had heard his voice, I didn’t know what to say. “Should I call back?”

“No, no. Now’s good, I’m not doing anything, anyway.” He answered. I could hear his television in the background and I could only assume that he was in house watching television – something that he did when he had free time. “What’s up?”

“Thanks.” I blurted out.

“For?”

“Landon said you told him why I couldn’t come in?”

Niall was quiet for a while and it sounded like he was thinking about it. “I didn’t do that.”

He didn’t? “You didn’t?”

“Yeah, I’ve never met your boss before or talked to him.”

That could only mean one thing: Harry did it. “Oh.”

“Sky?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you.. Are you okay?” He sounded concerned.

I was about to nod when I realized that he couldn’t see me. “Yeah, I am.” Before it could get any more awkward, I decided that I should probably ended the call. “I’ve got to go.” And I clicked the red button.

Thanks.

Thanks?

Yeah, for saving my ass from being fired.

It was nothing, Sky. It’s the least I could do.

I didn’t know what else to say or if there was anything to say. This was awkward and I didn’t know if I was ready to face him again. Last night proved that I couldn’t be around him.

Harry couldn’t be around me too. I could see him struggling with himself as he bit his tongue from saying words that he wanted to say although I was dying to know what it was that he wanted to tell me. He never had problems to say whatever he desired to say but last night, he held himself back.

I told myself that I was going to get used to this feeling and that I was just warming up but I knew better that I was just lying.

This feeling, they could only get worse. And I, for once, wouldn’t be able to run away from it. No matter how far I ran, no matter how hard I pretended and no matter how scared I was – this feeling wasn’t going anywhere. They were going to stay with me.

And I was just going to welcome it.

Notes

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