Fading.

I used to hate my mother because she was nothing but perfect. She was once a perfect daughter, she was a perfect wife to my father and when she had Tristan and I, she was then a perfect mother. Every decision she made, she balanced it with both her heart and mind thus she barely made mistakes. Even if she did, nobody would realize it because she was always positive about it. She gave great advices and everyone that knew her would always turn to her if they have problems. No matter how badly someone treated her, she would never hold grudges. Perfect and positive: those are the words that I would always use to describe my mother.

I used to hate my father too because he loved my mother unconditionally. His sweetness and gentleness toward her made my stomach twisted into a knot. He always listened to whatever she told him and when he didn’t agree, he would argue. However, if he realized that he wouldn’t win, he would just frown and sat back. He had never thrown a tantrum at her, Tristan or me although him and I always argued and that added more reasons as to why I hated him. But mostly, I hated him because of how he loved my mother; I wanted that kind of love, I wanted someone to love me like he loved her.

I used to hate my brother because he was nothing like me. Tristan was the top student in school, he was well known in his college, he found his fiancé when he was in college and they were getting married in this weekend. He had my mother’s positivity in him and my father’s gentle heart; something that I neither had. When we were kids I envied him a lot. Kids in our neighborhood seemed to like him more than they did me hence he had more friends. He had never gotten into trouble and mainly, I hated him because he didn’t hate me like I hate him; he was always nice toward me and had been a very good brother since the beginning.

That was when I started to become a hateful person. I hated every single person in my family because they were unlike me.

When I first met Harry, it had never occurred to me that he would change me. First, he tried to understand why I hated people then when he did, he would asked me why – why I hated people and that was when I realized that I mainly hated people because I couldn’t be like them. He gave me reasons not to hate people when he told me: “Of course you couldn’t be like them, you’re not them. You are you, Sky and you shouldn’t hate them. I don’t want you to be like them either because I sort of like you.”

When I started to fall for him – hard and deep – I lost this part of me. The hateful part of me was gone whenever I was with him; he filled my heart with merely love. The feeling was foreign – to love someone so much – but he changed that too. He made me realize that loving someone felt pretty damn good. He was that person that brought the best in me.

Then in a spectacular turnaround, he changed me back to a hateful person.

I’m sorry. H .x

I had been staring at the text ever since I got it – which was two nights ago. How could he send this and not explain? How could he leave the text hanging just like that? How could he put .x at the end of the text? How could he?

I was certain that I was going crazy over one simple, meaningless text message.

I heard laughter coming out from me and it surprised me at how cold and mechanical it sounded like.

I broke up with my boyfriend and I wanted to talk to my best friend about it but they were both Harry. He was my best friend and my boyfriend.

I knew it was unfair of me to dodge calls from Daisy and Bennett but I didn’t want to face them. I didn’t want to hate them just because I was mad. And sad. I knew they wanted to know how I was doing but if I could avoid them for as long as I could, I would.

“Sky, please eat tonight,” my mother pleaded from outside. Two nights had passed without me eating and they had grown worried.

When I opened the door, I was met with mum’s sad eyes. She looked older than she was and I knew it was because of me. Why was I even here?

“I cooked your favourite food, please eat?” She pleaded.

I hesitated and looked back at the messy bed. I needed to get out before I became crazy. I silently nodded and mum’s face lightened up as she led me downstairs. Haley was sitting next to Tristan and all of them smiled when they saw I was joining them for dinner tonight.

“How are you doing, Sky?” Haley asked as I took a seat across her.

I might hate her too. She was just like Tristan. I was convinced that she was a female version of my brother.

“Fine,” I mumbled.

My mother filled my plate with food as my father eyed me. I didn’t want to look at him and give him the satisfaction of being right; he knew Harry wasn’t the one for me and had always tried to stop me from being with Harry. But of course, I never listened to him.

“I can’t wait to see you in the bridesmaid dress,” Haley said to me. I forced a smile and told her that I couldn’t wait either.

I finished my food in silent and returned back to my room. I felt so out of place being with them; they were all happy, an emotion that I didn’t think I would feel again. Tristan and Haley’s sweet gestures only woke up the anger part of me. Everything that had anything to do with love angered me.

I hated that I hate people because I couldn’t be like them. I hated that I hate everything that breath right now. It was unfair, really unfair.

But it was unfair because Harry didn’t spare me explanations. He told me he was sorry but why he was sorry? Was it because he let me go? Was it because he had wasted most of his time with me? Or was it because he was just sorry that I was the old me again?

*

I went downstairs once I was sure everyone had parted to their bedrooms. I knew my father kept at least a bottle of wine behind the snacks he stacked on the first cabinet. I found out about it when I was ten. It was when I snuck out of my bedroom at 12 am to get snacks because I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t know why he hid it, but I knew that I had never seen him drank it in front of Tristan nor me.

I took the wine out, grabbed a glass and set it out on the table. I poured out the wine into the glass and started drinking.

One glass for myself, one glass for my mother, one glass for my father, one glass for Tristan, one glass for Haley and one glass for Harry.

It was pathetic, I was aware of that but the bubbly sensation in my stomach made me forget everything. My head started to spin and I used not to feel this back then. I had always drunk so much that I didn’t feel anything but numbness.

I needed the numbness to be back.

I forgot the glass and took a swig from the bottle. It was nearly empty when my father walked into the kitchen.

“S-Sky?” He rubbed his eyes with the pad of his hands.

“Hi dad.” I waved and hiccuped.

He shook his head and took the bottle away from me. “You’re not doing this.”

“I’ve done it.” I admitted. I leaned against the counter to support my weights and looked at him.

Dad let out a long sigh; a sigh that said he was disappointed in me, a sigh that said he was going to kill Harry if he was in front of him and also the same sigh that said ‘I told you so’.

“Aren’t you happy now, dad?” I asked him.

He stopped shuffling in the kitchen and looked at me. “Happy?”

“Yeah, you won.”

“I won?” He cocked his eyebrow at me.

I let out a scoff. “You knew Harry and I wouldn’t work out so now that we’re over, aren’t you happy that you’ve always been right?”

He seemed to age right in front of me as he took in a deep breath. It was his way to calm himself. “Of course I am not happy when my daughter is suffering.”

“Bullshit,” I muttered.

“I disliked him at first because I thought he was a bad influence but I saw how he slowly changed you; I noticed everything, Sky. How you smiled more when you’re with him, how you always laugh when he’s around and how sad you were when he flew somewhere far away from you.” He paused, not taking his gaze away from me. He wanted me to see how sincere he was when he said those words. “I love you, Sky. You’re my daughter and I wanted the best for you. I knew when I saw you with him that he was the best for you.”

When he emphasized the word was, it hit me. Harry was the best for me but I screwed it up.

I had never been a sad drunk; but tonight I was. I moved towards my father and buried my head onto his chest. He wrapped his arms around my shoulder and kissed my head. I started crying until my chest hurts.

“What do I do now, dad? I didn’t think my heart could break any more than it already has. The pieces inside of me feel like broken glass. Every time I take a breath, they stab into me. It never ends.”

He shushed me and kissed my head like he would always do when I couldn’t sleep. But this time, he kissed my head because I just got my heartbroken and we weren’t sure if it could be healed.

After a moment of silence, he whispered. “You just live.”


“Olive you.” He whispered absentmindedly as he twirled my hair around his finger.

I turned to look at him and raised my eyebrow at him skeptically. “Olive you?”

Harry appeared flushed when he realized that he had said those words out loud. Harry replaced it with a smile and shook his head. “Nothing.”

“Tell me,” I pushed him.

“It’s.. Well, olive you. I like you but I don’t love you – not yet, that is. So, I think that’s the word. Olive you.”

I tried to suppress the smile but failed. I hated how he always turned my frown into a smile because I wasn’t used to that. But I knew if I spend more time with him, I would start to like it. Hell, I might love it.

“Olive you,” I repeated, testing the words.

“Yeah, I know it’s stupid.”

I quickly shook my head. “It’s not. I think it’s..”

“It’s..?”

“It’s sweet.” I quickly looked away to hide my crimson cheeks.

He chuckled, “I might have earned yet another points for making you blush and made you think it’s sweet.”

I rolled my eyes because he was right.

*

After talking to my father, I felt slightly better - not wholly because it would take time.

The day of the wedding had arrived and I was happy for Tristan. I was happy that he had found his lover and that he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. He had always got the best of life but today I wasn’t going to hate him.

I walked into the bridesmaid’s room and found out that there were at least 3 more girls that would be wearing the same dress as me. They all looked at me as I stood in front of the mirror, admiring the white dress that would fit my body perfectly if I hadn’t skipped meals for almost three weeks. A woman stood next to me and told me that she was going to do my hair. She didn’t know what happened to me so she didn’t have the sympathetic look like everybody else had. I nodded and let her did whatever she wanted with my hair. Another woman came and put on makeup on my pale face.

I looked pale like I used to look back then. Harry had made me glowed but now that he was stolen away from me, the glow went away with him.

30 minutes had passed and Haley walked into the room looking beautiful and.. glowing. Her bright smile caused everyone in the room to smile too. I tried to smile as she walked up to me because she needed to know that I was happy – at least physically.

“Oh my God, Sky. You look beautiful,” she said in awe as she eyed me from the mirror. She was standing behind me with a bouquet of red flowers in her hand. She chose the red flowers because that was the first flower she ever received from Tristan. It was sort of their ‘thing’.

I looked back at her through the window and smiled, “thanks. You look more beautiful, of course.” I teased. I turned around and squeezed her arm, “Tristan is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have him. He’s the best man I’ve ever met and I hope you both treat each other well. Don’t hurt him.”

Her eyes started to well up and her bottom lip quivered. “Thank you. I love him so much, Sky. I wouldn’t do anything that could hurt him.” She promised. I nodded and gave her a hug because that was what she needed right now.

My mother walked into the room and squealed. She kissed Haley’s cheeks and told her to get ready. Then, she turned to me. “Honey.”

I looked up.

“You look beautiful.”

“You do too, mum.”

“Come on, the wedding is starting.”

*

Tristan and Haley had exchanged their vows, which caused some people to tear up – including my mother. I had to admit that Tristan had prepared one of the best vows I’ve ever heard.

But now we were in another tent for speeches from the family members. I hated how Tristan made me give speech at the front but I told myself not to hate him today – not on his wedding day.

I walked up to the microphone set up in front of everyone and took a deep breath before I faced everyone. I had the speech prepared before I even got here; Harry had helped me. I told him that I was nervous and he told me: “If you ever get nervous just look at me.”

But he was not here like he promised he would. I should have known better that he wouldn’t be here because after everything that happened between the two of us, there was no way he could show up here.

So, no matter how nervous I was, I had to keep it to myself. I tapped the microphone and looked at Tristan, trying to appear as calm as I could. “I hate you so much, Tristan.” I began and everyone laughed. “But I told myself not to be harsh on your wedding night,” he grinned and rolled his eyes.

I started my speech by telling him how much I envied him because everyone liked to be his friends rather than they liked being mine. Then I told him that I no longer cared because I knew why they wanted to be his friends – they saw how nice he really was.

“You’re a nice guy, Tristan. I’m not just saying this because I’m your sister but because I’ve seen how you treated everyone. I knew that you hated Grant back in high school but you keep it to yourself and not once you show your hatred towards him. I’ve always wondered how could you do that? How could you just mask your hatred towards someone? Because I sure as hell couldn’t do that and that was when I learned that you’re nice – a very nice person.” I looked at Tristan and he was smiling so big. Haley patted his hand and kissed his cheek.

“You’re smart, Tristan. I hated you for that too but you never – not once – hated me. You’re always there for me although I’ve never actually been there for you.” I paused and realized that I did not know what else to say. “I didn’t know what else to say other than..” I took a deep breath and everyone diverted his or her focus at me, “I love you.”

Tristan got up from his seat and pulled me in for a hug. “I love you too, Sky.” He kissed my forehead and frowned, “but I can’t believe you knew I hated Grant.”

I let out a small laugh and stepped away from the microphone. “I’m quite an observer.”

“Sure you are.” He pushed me slightly as we walked back to the table.

“Time for the dance!” Mum squealed and pushed Tristan and Haley toward the dance floor.

I took a glass of champagne from the table and took a gulp of it. Everyone was on their feet, eager to dance with the bride and groom; I hated that. They were so happy and they were dancing with their partners.

“Wanna dance?”

I nearly choked the champagne when I looked up. I would have never thought he would be here. “Niall?”

He looked down and grinned.

“What are you doing here?”

“Someone’s gotta be here, aite?”

I nodded and hugged him. I was just glad to see him – to see someone that was connected with Harry, someone that reminded me of Harry. I didn’t want Harry to be here but deep down I knew that I wanted to see Harry himself. I wanted to know how he was doing, I wanted to know everything that happened to him since we.. broke up.

“I like your speech,” he teased. He, just like Harry, knew I hated giving speeches.

“Thanks,” I said.

“I believe you owe me a dance.”

Niall flashed me his infamous grin and held out his hand for me. “I’ve got something to tell you.”

I wasn’t into dancing but I was into knowing what he wanted to tell me. I placed my hand on top of his and he dragged me to the dance floor where everyone had started to slow dance. Tristan and Haley were already in the middle of the dance floor, laughing to each other. Tristan was a terrible dance, always was.

“So, what is it?” I asked when we found an empty spot on the dance floor. Niall placed one of his hands on my waist and smirked.

“Always eager,” he laughed.

I rolled my eyes as I placed my hand on his shoulder.

“Let me ask you how you’re doing first, yea?”

“Fine.”

When he sensed that I was not up for a normal conversation, he cleared his throat but continued to dance. “I didn’t know what happen between you and Harry but..”

Just hearing his name being spoken caused my heart to palpitate. “What’s wrong?” was my initial response.

“Uh, Harry.. He gave me this and told me to give it to you personally.” He stepped back and took something out of his pocket.

It was a necklace.

My necklace.

My necklace that was given by Harry.

“Said you left it in Anne’s house.” He handed it to me and I took it. I didn’t realize my hands were shaking until I gripped the necklace that was on my palm. “Are you okay?”

“Yes.. No.” I sighed. I had to stop dancing and sit down. I needed to breathe because the dark blanket started to take control.

My chest started to hurt, too. He was giving me back this necklace because he didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. He could have just thrown it away, I wouldn’t mind. I didn’t want to keep what he gave to me either.

“What happened to the two of you?”

“He.. He broke up with me.” I looked up through my teary eyes and asked, “hasn’t he told you guys about that?”

Niall shook his head, appeared more confused than he was before. “He wouldn’t talk about it.”

“No wonder.” I then heard Niall muttered under his breath. “When?”

“3 weeks ago.” It hadn’t felt like three weeks, it felt like eternity. I didn’t know if I could bear the pain anymore. Just when I thought I was fine, I wasn’t.

It was like a constant cycle and I was sick of it.

I needed to feel the numbness.

I hurtled towards the bar and took the drinks. Numb. I just needed to feel that.

I downed the drink in one gulp and reached for another one. I repeated the action until I was sure I couldn’t feel the pain anymore. Sure enough it was still there if I thought about it.

How could he easily give the necklace to Niall and told him to give it to me? Why couldn’t he come up here and give it to me himself? Why must he do this to me? Why must he brought back the pain that I had buried deep in my heart on the night that I didn’t want to feel anything but happy?

I turned around to walk inside but Niall was already in front of me, blocking my path. His eyes were full of concern as he squatted in front of me and put both of his hands on either side of my shoulders. “Are you okay?”

He knew I wasn’t okay. My breath was hitched in my throat and I swallowed down the bile. I licked my lips and darted my gaze down to his lips.

Numbness, I needed it.

I stepped forward and looked at him. He was going to hate me for this but I was being selfish; I was done being selfless.

I leaned forward and crashed my lips onto his. His lips tasted like the champagne that I drank moments ago. He was surprised as he tightened his grip on my shoulders but he didn’t pull away.

He kissed back.

And I deepened the kiss.

It was wrong – very wrong. But when everything in your life had gone wrong, surely nothing could go right anymore, would they? There was no way that something right or good would come up after you have fucked up every single part of your life. I’ve lost the person that I loved the most – my lover.

The whole time I kissed Niall, I felt it – I felt the numbness that I wanted so badly to feel.

But I also felt another emotion: guilt.

Notes

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