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Alter ➳ h.s

e i g h t e e n

e i g h t e e n
metaphorical cliffs
ember

My cough was fading and all the symptoms were nearly gone. I could go for a jog in the morning if I wanted to; I don’t go for jogs, though. Popcorn kernels were currently getting stuck in my teeth and slightly cutting my gums. “Em! Your phone is ringing!” Jase yelled from upstairs. He came down afterwards, “Sorry, I heard it last minute. What’re you watching?”

“Orange is the New Black. What did the caller ID say?” I pushed my laptop aside. Our parents weren’t home but we liked it that way. There was tension between Dad and I since my leaving and arguing, Jase still had my back.

“Eleanor.”

I looked at him and called her back. The phone rang loudly when I put it on speaker. “Ember? Gosh, I’m sorry if this is a bad time. Is this a bad time?”

I laughed, “Uh, no. I have a feeling this is pertaining to Harry, though.”

“Correct.” She seemed to move to a different room; I heard a door close behind her and a soft spring sound when she sat down. “He’s back to his old self. Not the old old self, but the old self. The depressed and worthless feeling one. He needs someone to cheer him up.” I was quiet, “I know a plane ticket out here is expensive but for some reason, Louis trusts me. And with that trust I have access to all of his credit cards. I’ll—or, Louis, will pay for you and a friend or two. Doesn’t matter, I just want you here. He’s so upset.”

“Eleanor, I care about Harry but I have a lot going on right here in Michigan. If I change my mind, I’ll let you know.”

She sighed, “Ember, he really needs you. Like really. I’ve seen him like this before and it’s one of the most depressing things in the world to watch another depressed person. Just think about it.” I agreed and hung up. Jase saddened a bit.

“What do I do?”

“Well, I would tell Ben before you just run off again. We both know you’re going. Don’t lie to Ben, he’s already suspicious. Tells me all the time how he doesn’t want to lose you and all that shit. Just be careful.”

“Come with me then.”

➳ ➳

Harry truly was a mess. His hair was normally messy but this was too far. Everyone, including Jase, insisted on leaving out for a while to leave Harry and I alone. His head was stuffed into a pillow. Before my mind could wander over to Harry, I thought about his living conditions. This place was beautiful and he apparently lived with Louis and soon to be Eleanor, she was slowly moving in. The living room wasn’t far from the dining room that I was staring at; a glass table with possibly fake sunflowers stationed in a clear vase.

“You don’t give a fuck.” Harry spoke aloud. I didn’t realize he was talking to me until he spoke again, “You don’t even care about me.”

“Do you realize how little right you have to say that?” He didn’t move. “I’m here because of you. So I give a fuck. I give lots of fucks about lots of things. I give a fuck that Ben is leaving for New York to not come back next time,” he sat up at that. I continued, “I give a fuck that my relationship with my dad is fucked up because of the news and you. So I give plenty of fucks. I’m the prostitute of feelings.”

He ignored my speech, “I can’t be around you, Ember. I can’t do that to you.”

“You can’t do it to yourself, you mean. Harry, you stop everything because you’re scared—”

“—I’m not scared.”

“You are scared! You’re afraid that you’ll get close to things, you’re afraid. We all know you get attached easily, even you do. You’re afraid that if you keep coming around me, you’ll get too attached. That you’ll hurt me. Harry, there’s so many other things in the world than can hurt me, but you’re not one of them. You couldn’t allow yourself to hurt me; medication or not.”

His eyes searched around the room for something else to look at, “I haven’t taken my medication today. That’s why I keep hearing the screams.” I asked where they were and he got off the couch and told me to follow him to his bathroom that was located inside his room. My elbows acted as a support behind me when I stood in front of the counter. “Just in case you’re ever here and I need my meds,” he reached his arm over me and opened the cabinet, “there they are.”

Harry took a cup that was next to the sink and filled it with water, taking about six pills. He then put two bottles into his back pocket. After finishing, he just stared at me. Searching was what it seemed like he was doing; searching in my eyes for something to tell him a message, something. Anything. His restless search took a hiatus and he removed his hand from the cabinet that was also a mirror and closed it. “Do you have a hotel?”

“Not yet.”

“You can stay here,” he offered. “Louis and El love you. It’ll be good.”

“But I’m sure Jase doesn’t want to stay here. He stays in the house with me enough, I’m sure he doesn’t want to stay in a stranger’s house also with me. But thanks for the offer.”

“Y-Yeah, of course. Jase. He’s nice, good brother,” he slightly smiled. I remember my first observation about Harry’s beautiful smile; how white and wonderful it is. And how often it didn’t show.

“Yeah, he is. Always there for me…” my voice trailed off and we both ignored it. We just continued to stare at each other. Harry truly was something beautiful to look at. He had this black colored sleeveless shirt on that showed all his tattoos. One was of a heart and I thought of it in a literal sense. How he literally wears his heart on his shoulders. But it was like how I’d described it before. The heart on his arm, cold from his paling skin was as cold and light as his literal one was warm and heavy.

Harry’s eyes were focusing on mine and only the them. Not once did his eyeballs move, unlike mine that were looking over his attire and body. He had many tattoos that confused me but also intrigued me. I wondered if even he knew what they meant. Ben was clear of tattoos, the needles somewhat scared him. He just didn’t find an interest in them, and I didn’t want him to get one either. But the way my fingertips ran up Harry’s arm and feeling the skin tainted with ink made me want Ben to get a tattoo just so I could stare at it. Although it’d look better on Harry.

Harry’s hand was larger than mine and his hands were soft; they made this sound when coming into contact with my hair that made me a little happier. The hand went behind my hair and onto the back of my neck and just sat there. Sometimes I wished that I could stare at Harry all day. His face; pink lips slightly quivering, a slight amount of acne tickling his forehead, hair hung over the aforementioned forehead, his eyes staring deeply. I think Harry wouldn’t mind staring at me all day, either. “I want to take you somewhere.” His eyes refused to remove from mine.

“Harry—”

I began to argue but his look forced me to keep quiet, “Say ‘okay’.”

“Okay.”

➳ ➳

Sneaking out was always different for different people; it could be sneaking out without your parents knowing, or sneaking out to get out of a situation, etc. But I don’t think anyone has ever snuck out to avoid the paparazzi that were already outside. “They don’t need to see us walk out.” Harry tied the top of his hair with a black rubber band and placed a beanie on top, under his dark black hoodie made to hide his face in the night. I was to do the same, minus the beanie, because the news was suddenly intrigued with a girl who they knew nothing about.

Harry and I walked to our destination. There were plenty of insects outside at night but my skin was covered so I didn’t mind. We talked a lot. About how the moon sometimes looked white and sometimes looked yellow and Harry whispering to me, “Sometimes the moon feels sad and gets yellow. But then is reminded that when they are up in the sky, the rest of the world is sleeping. Because sleep is one of the happiest places you can be,” he grimaced at his white lie.

“Sometimes being awake is better than sleeping,” I whispered back, “maybe that’s why it gets sad.” Our conversations consisted of only whispers. Not because we wanted to not get caught by the paparazzi because they were way behind us, but because it was cute. There was water near by, you could hear animals and even a frog and the moon guided Harry and I to wherever he wanted to take me. The whispers were kept between us, only us. “What is this?” I asked once we’d finished climbing a tall hill.

“My favorite spot in all of Great Britain.” I walked closer and looked off the edge of the cliff. My foot stepped in the wrong place and Harry grabbed my shoulders, “Careful,” he warned, “gets dangerous if you get too close.”

We took steps away and just sat there. “Why is this your favorite place?”

“Because it is my metaphorical self.”

I looked over at him. “Explain.”

“A cliff is dangerous, as I am. If you step too close to the edge—or get too close, in my case—you fall. And you die, or feel like you’re dying. You get hurt, nonetheless. Yet, if you stay away from the cliff, no matter how lonely it is, it’ll be okay.”

“Well if this cliff is going to be your metaphorical self, let’s get a something straight. Harry, you’re not dangerous, you’re lost. And you don’t have to stay away from the cliff to not get hurt. You said that if I got too close to the cliff, it was dangerous. I’m not too close yet, it’s not dangerous. The cliff is still okay at a certain distance, but I don’t want to be as far as we are now,” I gestured to where we were sitting. “Only the person can make herself fall, not the cliff.”