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Alter ➳ h.s

s e v e n t e e n

s e v e n t e e n
guilty pleasures
harry

“Harry, it’s time to go.” Liam stood above me and brutally reminded me that it was time to leave. In the time that I’d spent away from Ember, I found that touring was somewhat easier and harder. It was easier because I’d gotten used to answering so many questions. Harder because the time went slower and I was alone.

We’d just finished Latin America and Ireland with the UK in tow. We had three days until that part of the tour started and we’d all decided that just a day or two with family might calm the anxiety of starting a new tour. Of course, no one was sensitive to the fact that my anxiety was over everything. I was anxious about not being anxious. I didn’t call Ember to check on her; this was frankly because if I called her, I’d keep calling her, and that wouldn’t help.

I stood from the airport floor. We all had our separate planes that we were take, except Louis, Eleanor, and I. I hugged everyone and kissed a few people on the cheek, collected my belongings, and moved on to the escalator that would take me to the second floor and eventually to the plane. My ticket was a bit crumpled in my back pocket but the lady who’d used too much hairspray this morning accepted it. She just didn’t accept the guy’s ticket behind me. Famous perk.

While sitting on the plane, I looked through my phone at old texts. The last time I’d texted Ember was when she’d left California and I’d began drinking to get over my anger. To say that I was missing her would be like saying we don’t need the sun to live. Of course I miss her hair that was mostly always in the same style and the way she talked about Ben.

The only reason I loved the way she talked about Ben sometimes was because she had this gleam in her eyes. This overbearing shine and love in her greenish eyes that would make me smile. Because one day, one faithful day, I hoped that she would look and think of me the way that she looked and thought of him. She wanted him, she loves him and I just hope that one day she can love me that way.

Another reason why I didn’t want to call her: I couldn’t get over my selfishness. I don’t love Ember, I know I don’t. According to Louis, I don’t know what love even is just yet. But I was sadistic and an asshole to say the least. I wanted to be loved. Not the love everyone else felt obligated to give, but seriously loved. Even if that meant that the love was unrequited. That selfishness then left me even more depressed because I didn’t want to be the one with the unrequited love. I was a selfish and partially arrogant bastard, but for some reason, people forgive me.

Everyone forgives me; another perk. A perk I haven’t found yet. Crazy perk? Depressed perk? I just wasn’t sure what type of perk it was. Maybe it was a good one, everyone forgiving me. I’d handled a woman a way that I could never imagine, but she forgave me. I’d nearly killed my best friend, but he forgave me. I’d yelled at one of the only people that understood me, I wasn’t sure if she’d forgiven me just yet.

Guess it’s true, I’m not good with people’s feelings. But I still need love because I’m just a man with a fucked up mind and damaged soul. I took some pills to get over a few things but they lately haven’t been helping with anything. My brain still sucks at being a brain. My heart still sucks at being a heart, and my thought process just sucked all together. “It’s the girl; she’s a good influence on you,” Dr. Griffin told me when I got to her office a day and a half later.

“But I’m not a good influence on her. Listen, I told you that she doesn’t want anything to do with me and I can’t have her anyway.”

“But you need her right now, Harry.” This argument continued for nearly all of session. I know that she cares about me as a patient, but she doesn’t understand. I’m not good for Ember, she has her own shit to worry about and so do I. I’m not a helpful factor in her life.

“I’m a side effect.”

“Who told you that?”

“Her father. He hates me with no reason other than the simple thought that I want to fuck and take his daughter away from her beloved boyfriend.”

“But isn’t that what you do want to do?”

“Not the way he thinks. I want to win her, not take.”

“Are you sure?” That question kept me quiet. Was I truly sure that I didn’t just want to take Ember away from Ben? Sure, Ben was probably better for her, but she needs excitement. She won’t find that excitement in Michigan. She doesn’t even want to be there. She wants to be in California. All the traveling might help her. She can see new things and always be around the same people. And that’s when I also realized that that’s what’s causing both of our insanity.

I’d heard a bit of her speech when I’d left dinner. Ember was tired of being around the same people all the time and didn’t want to be bothered with having all the same people’s faces to see everyday. She wanted to travel and I could give that much to her; just not the fantasy of being around loads of different people.

Session ended after my decision to stay quiet and her advice to either talk to Ember or weigh out the pros and cons, as I always did. She told me I could calm down on my dosage while I’m back home, but I wasn’t excited to be home. Back to being drugged to sleep. When I got to the front of the building, Paul was waiting. My underarms were starting to sweat before I got outside. The anxiety had turned up more and Paul landed his hand on my shoulder and reassured that I’d be fine and to just take a deep breath.

I hadn’t realized how hard it was to take a deep breath when you couldn’t breathe to begin with until then. My throat was closing quickly while trying to go through crowds. I couldn’t even force myself to stop to take a picture, I needed to get home. “We’ve got to do something about this,” Eleanor whispered to Louis. My head was in a pillow while I laid down on the couch. All I could hear was small voices and screaming; loud screaming.

“There’s nothing we can do. He’s on enough medication. We can’t cancel the tour.”

“Louis, this is his health we’re talking about!” Her voice went a little above a whisper. “Maybe cancel a few dates and reschedule them. So then, all the shows get planned but at a later date.”

“El, it’s not that easy. There’s other artists in the world. Other people are meant to perform. In management’s eyes, they’re not gonna fuck up hundreds of people’s schedules to spare one person a few days to himself. It sounds stupid. Who even says those few days will help him? We had months off from our last tour and nothing has changed.”

“The wounds were still fresh then.”

“And they’re still fresh now, but none of us are animals. We’re not gonna lick his broken heart to make it better. He’s gonna have to take his meds, suck it up, sing the concerts, and be a man.” I heard a kissing noise through my oncoming headache, “I’ll be back. I need to get a refill on his medication. Take care.” That was his way of saying, “Don’t let him kill you or run out of the house with his current state of mind.” But he figured that I could still hear so decided against it.

Eleanor walked closer to me and rested her hand on my back, rubbing it up and down. Somehow it was close enough to love that I’d get at the moment. Her soft hair caressed my neck while she laid her head on my back to listen to my breathing. It was calming down but still heavy. “I think you should go see your mother,” she whispered. “And sister and all your family.” I nodded slightly, “I’ll talk to her. I’ll get her to come.”

“She wouldn’t.” My voice was deep and mumbled from the pillow. I turned over to lie on my back, Eleanor’s head now laying on my stomach. “I haven’t talked to her in weeks. She’s probably still sick.”

“We have doctors here, Harry. You need her; she helps you and you know it. It doesn’t matter if she’s still with him or not, she means a lot to you. That means she means a lot to me. I have her number, we had a few good conversations. She’s a good person, I’ll call her. For you.” I nodded again. “Are you hungry? Lou left some food from earlier.” She kissed my kissed my cheek and got off the ground.

“No. I ate a little on the plane,” I lied.

“In what time? I sat next to you.”

“In the bathroom?”

“Oh, shut up. I’m getting you a sandwich. We had subs earlier. Italian good?”

“Sure.”