Alter ➳ h.s

s i x t e e n
where are you?
ember

In the weeks that Harry decided to fall off the face of our earth, I found myself in a type of withdrawal. Sure, I had Ben who was coming back tomorrow, but it was so unusual for Harry’s silence to last this long. Normally he’d try and call or text or hell, even email. But nothing. He seemed okay in interviews. There was one in particular that upset me in the slightest bit.

I was on the couch with Mom while Dad read the newspaper on the other cushion and Jase laid on the floor, texting. “And today we have the biggest boyband in the world, One Direction. How are you boys?” They all responded with a “good” or “okay” and even a “great” found its way in there. The interviewer continued with questions about the album but soon turned her attention to Harry.

“Now Harry,” she began while licking her red stained lips. “You were seen with a girl multiple times about two and a half months ago at a cafe. Then you were seen with her in California around a month and a half ago. Then again in Michigan around two weeks. What’s going on? Are you two still talking?”

Harry cleared his throat and sat up, along with my whole family. “Uh, well.” He seemed to not be able to find his words. His eyes became this dark and sickly color and his skin became this pale that I’d become accustomed to. “No, we don’t talk. She’s very nice but we couldn’t find anything to hold on to. We’re very,” he sighed, taking a hiatus in his sentence. “We’re very different and our lives are busy on their own. So, uh, yeah. That’s all.” My face began to appear on the screen a lot and each picture was more incriminating than the last. Dad gave me a dirty look, Mom a sad one, and Jase a concerned one.

I licked my lips and walked up to my room. Since then, I haven’t really talked to anyone except Julia and Josie and customers. Oh, and Ben. I continued to clean off the tables while Julia stared at me. The cafe was empty and I wasn’t ready to go home. “You haven’t been home in days, Ember. Where’ve you been staying?” I didn’t answer. I’d been sleeping in the photography building. Taken a few bags there with enough clothes and would go to Josie’s house to shower.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m staying with Ben when he gets back.”

“Why don’t you stay there now? He lives alone.”

“Because his parents have this devil bitch watching after his house while he’s gone and I can’t take that. It’d be like sleeping in the same house with Mrs. Waterson on drugs, I’ll pass.”

She sighed, “Is this about Harry?”

“Julia, no. Go home, I got it.” She bit her lip and nodded. After gathering my things, I went on to the photography building. It was quieter and more peaceful than at home. The only person at home that wasn’t asking for answers was Jase, because (a) he didn’t care and (b) he knew that I didn’t need anymore bullshit than I was getting. Ben called when I got in. I’d gotten a friend of his that does small odd jobs to fix the plumbing in here for at least the toilet. I’m too afraid to shower in here, anyway. “Hello?”

“Hello, Sunshine.”

“Your nicknames are so cliché, it’s starting to hurt. When do you come in?”

“About three hours. You gonna meet me at my parents’ house?”

“With a shovel to bash your mother’s head in and then bury her in the backyard? Then yes, I will be at your parents’ house in five minutes.”

“You’re funny. Like hilarious, I really appreciate your humor in wanting to murder my mother. I’ll meet you wherever when I’m done greeting my creators.” He chuckled and cutely mumbled in a small voice, “I love you.”

“I love you too, bye.”

“Bye,” he sighed. After then, I heard drops of water. Each drop bigger and louder than the last, but I couldn’t place where in the building it was. I checked the bathroom and the front and the back and even outside. Sighs, loud and heavy ones, came from my still sickly lungs, causing me to cough and wheeze and reach for the inhaler I was told to use.

I soon found my way to the back of the building, where the dark room was, where pictures hung. The last time I was here, so was Harry. He was shirtless and hanging photos. He was upset and hadn’t had his medication in hours. Depressed and scared. I missed him, though. Every inch of his medicated and barely beating soft heart. Water was dropping from the ceiling just outside the door but I ignored it and went inside. I took down the pictures that were hanging there for weeks and exposed them to the light.

Every picture was old and taken years ago, except one. Just one. It was of me, the day Harry and I met at the fundraiser. My hair decided to be okay in the heat. The fundraiser. Money. I forgot about the money. As soon as I remembered, I got up and climbed out of the building, taking everything with me. I drove home with my mom’s car that I’d “borrowed” days ago. “Dad!” I yelled when I got into the house.

“Honey, you’re home!” He hugged me, “And you actually don’t smell like death. Where have you been?”

“That doesn’t matter, what about the school?” His eyebrows furrowed, “The fundraiser! The money. What about it?”

“What about it? I’m sure just because of what happened between you and Harry—”

“Which is nothing,” I interrupted.

“—they wouldn’t not give us money.”

“Dad, they can’t cover all of the money, though. They just can’t. Louis said so, management said so, everyone said so. We need this money Dad. What about the kids?”

He sighed and pulled his fingers through his hair like Harry so often did, “Ember, we aren’t having this discussion right now.”

“But—”

“No. Go up to your room and get dressed, we’re having dinner with the Waterson’s to celebrate Ben’s return.”

➳ ➳

And somehow, I still ended up in a tight gray dress that my mother had chosen with black heels that sound like it didn’t match but it actually did. My legs were covered in pantyhose and my face was touched by makeup. Eyebrows traced over, eyeshadow done, mascara on, along with lipstick. Sadly, my lipstick matched that of Mrs.Waterson’s, who was sitting across from me.

Ben rested his hand on my thigh quietly, letting me know that either something was wrong or comforting me because of his mother. “How are you, Ember?” She asked and a little part of me wanted to die. Mrs. Waterson was evil but she wasn’t behind on news. And that terrified me.

“I’m doing okay. How are you?”

“I would be doing better if you weren’t going around trying to sleep with celebrities. But, you have to be happy, right?” Her answer wasn’t hesitated but her question was supposed to be rhetorical. She was the only one that didn’t know that the question was rhetorical. “I guess so. Who is this Harry fellow? What is he like?”

“Mom, let’s just let it go,” Ben’s sister intervened. Emily was pretty and smart. Her body wasn’t as skinny as Mrs. Waterson would like it to have been. In fact, Mrs. Waterson would call Emily chubby on a daily basis, just to spare her from being called fat.

“They’re encouragements,” Mrs. Waterson explained to me one day. This was before Ben and I even wanted to date and Emily and I were great friends (not that that has changed). “If I call her that enough, it won’t hurt as much when people call her fat.” And I said, “But she’s not fat, she’s just not small.” Mrs. Waterson laughed in this dark and evil chuckle, “Ember, my dear. She’s on the fatter side, I’m being nice by calling her chubby.” That’s one indication that Mrs. Waterson wasn’t the best mother.

“No, Emily. Let Ember talk.” She pressed.

“Well,” Ben tried to change the subject out of uncomfortableness, “I have some news.” When he said “news” the way he did, I knew that it would only be exciting for one person in the room. “I’ve decided that I like New York. I’ll be moving there next week.”

Everyone started clapping but I sat there. When the clapping stopped, everyone, including Ben, stared at me and waited for an answer. “Next week?”

“Yes, what’s the problem?”

“What’s the problem?! How long have you known that you were going to move there?”

“I’ve known for a while now. I just didn’t know how to tell you. I’m starting the summer classes in two weeks and I need to get in my dorm soon.”

“You didn’t know how to tell me so you wait a week in advance to tell me that you’re not coming back? Do you know that not being able to see the person that you love so dearly for months sucks?”

“Yes, I do,” he argued. “Because I lasted as long as you did. I’m sorry, would you like me to go out and spend my time with some famous model? Would that speed up time like it did for you?”

“That’s not fair.”

“What isn’t fair is you thinking that I’m going to stay behind for you.” I opened and closed my mouth, he sighed. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You know,” I put the napkin that was on my lap on the table. “I’ve been hearing that a lot from people. And after hearing it more and more, you realize how much bullshit it is. I’m going home.” Thomas cleared his throat and followed me out of the door. I didn’t even give my thanks this time, I just didn’t have the emotional energy. So, I sat in my mother’s car that I was still borrowing (they’d driven in my dad’s car) and cried. I just cried and crying had never hurt so much.

I cried from Harry and Ben and life and I just wanted to stop crying. Thomas got into the car after a bit of struggle, “This car is too far off the ground for a heavy man like me,” his smile was so bright and chuckle so light that I had to smile too, wiping away the tears. “Ember, what’s really wrong?”

“I’m mad because Ben is—”

He stopped me there, “And that is where you are wrong. Ember, I love you like my own, and I know you know what’s right from wrong. Tell me what’s really going on.” So, I did. I told him about California and Harry—leaving out, as I always did, his mental issues—and he responded the same way Jase had, “He seems like a good person. Flaws here and there, but who doesn’t have flaws? I think if you truly love Ben, stay. But if you’re tired of Ben leaving and don’t want to try a long distance relationship, and you also find Harry interesting, who are we to hold you back?”

I smiled, “Thank you. I love you Thomas.”

“And I love you Ember. Now you can join me in dinner or you can go home. Either way, Vivian will still murder me tonight.”

“I’ll go home. I already made the exploding exit. It would ruin it if I just walked back in. Plus my makeup probably has me looking like a panda. But thank you for the offer.” He smiled and got out of the car. I rolled down the windows and whispered, “Save me leftovers.”

“Will do,” he whispered back. I drove home afterwards. Thomas was the father of two nice children but the husband of one evil wife. And that just made me wonder if I did ever leave Ben, why couldn’t Harry and I work out?

Notes

long story as to why I've been dead for a million years but I'll be dead for a million more, meaning another update in a few seconds x