Alter ➳ h.s

f i f t e e n
side effects
harry

With Ember’s speech in mind, I thought about what her father said more and more. Side effect. Side effect. The issue I had mostly was the fact that a side effect was either permanent or short-term. And I knew that I was truly a side effect because I wasn’t permanent. But I am short-term. Everyone is, everyone dies. Although it’s scary to think that one day, Ember, who was standing behind me while I continued to hang photos, would be dead. It could be today or in twenty years, it didn’t matter. What mattered is that one day, she won’t be cared about anymore. All the people who did care about her wouldn’t be around either.

Including me.

That’s what scared me about being a side effect. That everyone and everything that I loved or touched would eventually die and/or wither and no one will remember who Harry Styles, the side effect, was. “No one will remember me,” I finally spoke aloud.

“What?” She was now on the ground sitting when I turned around. When she breathed, you could hear the mucus that was filling her lungs. Mucus: a side effect of bronchitis, which was also a side effect of dying.

“Nothing. How did you know where to find me?” I’d since calmed down a little. I still needed my medication, though.

“You came to the one place I’d always come when I was pissed off. You’ve been here a lot, too. I can tell. It’s a bit cleaner. How often did you come before?”

“Whenever I had time. Then this morning, before I came to your house. Surprised you never wondered why I’d been gone for seven hours and it’s only a four hour flight here.”

“I thought two hours and a little was enough to get to an airport through L.A. traffic and back from another airport. It made sense.” The conversation ended after then. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk, it was just that there was nothing useful to talk about. Ember left and went into the reception area. “I wasn’t supposed to be back for another week, so I don’t have work.” I didn’t respond again. And she continued to talk, trying to get something out of me but I knew I couldn’t.

Without my proper medication, I wasn’t sure what I’d say to her. I was too afraid for another California episode to happen, so I just didn’t speak. Once all the pictures were hung, I didn’t know why I was still in the dark room that brought me to somewhat happiness. So I got out of there just to see Ember on the phone. “Yeah, I know. I’m just tired of my dad right now, it’s fine.” The paused to listen to whoever was on the other line. “I know you don’t like him but he’s a friend. Trust me. I love you and I’ll call tomorrow.” She coughed before hanging up.

I cleared my throat, “Who was that?”

“You’re smarter than you’re acting. You know it wa Ben, he’s worried.”

“Of course he is.”

“Harry, don’t start. Listen, you need to get back to California. I’m sending you and Josie there, she should be with Liam.”

“And you should be with me.” Again, without proper medication, anything could come out. She sighed, not sure what to say to my outburst. Ember was patient; she knew how to tolerate, but I don’t think she tolerated me. A toleration is basically learning to deal with something you’re stuck with. Except (a) she wasn’t stuck with me and (b) she decided to stay. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, I knew Ember’s feelings part of her brain was 99.9% Ben and .1% me. It had to be.

“Harry, you’re very sweet. And I’m sorry, believe me, I love you, but not in that way.”

I bit the inside of my cheek. It felt like a shadow of darkness conquered my heart and my mind became foggy. “I know, that’s what ruins the end of the day.” Her eyes traveled up and down me, but I no longer wanted her to look at me. She was looking at who she thought she was always looking at: Harry Styles. But I didn’t want her to see that. I wanted her to see me for me. She sees me as I see me; a monster. Crazy. “You think I’m crazy.”

“What?”

“You think I’m a crazy sociopath and—”

“Harry, I don’t think that about you. You’re a great person, but I love Ben. I’m with Ben and that’s not changing right now. You’ll be the first person to know, though. Just calm down.” My mind was too foggy to try to listen to anything else she could say. My dark temptations grew as I looked at her. I wanted to hold her and touch her and kiss her. Knowing that I couldn’t only made my mind explore what I could do. “Harry, stop looking at me like that. It scares me.”

I continued to scan her body, but something happened. Half of my brain wanted to go after her and the other half wanted to punch me. I held myself back as much as I could, but my feet wouldn’t stop themselves from moving closer. My right hand touching her face lightly, her eyes throbbed with calmness and fright. That’s when I knew that I had to stop. Medication or not, I couldn’t hurt or throw myself at Ember, I couldn’t. And I wasn’t sure why, but I just couldn’t. “I have to go,” I announced.

“Don’t.”

“I have to. I can’t be here anymore. I need to get back to California and I need my pills and I just have to go.” I grabbed my shirt and all my things and climbed out of the roof. It was best for me, for both of us.

➳ ➳

I took many pills once I got back to California, near to a dozen. I knew I was taken more of certain ones than I should have but my body and mind seemed to thank me. After then, I went over to Louis’ room. My knocking was hesitated, no one knew I was back to the hotel yet. I’m sure they knew I was back in California from the news, but not the hotel. Louis answered the door and left it open, going back to the couch. “Well are you gonna just stand there, jackass, or are you coming in?”

His feet were propped up on the glass coffee table with some old movie in black and white on, Eleanor was in bed. Her breathing was shallow while she changed between watching television and doing whatever on her phone. “Hey, El,” Louis called. “Can you give me and Harry a minute?”

She looked up from her phone after tapping a few more times. “Hm? Oh! Sure, no problem.” She sighed and removed the covers, kissed me on the cheek, and went across the hall to the open room where everyone hung out.

“Well, are you going to apologize?” Louis asked. I looked at his neck first. A nasty bruise formed on his neck, “Don’t worry,” he reassured, “we can just say it’s a gnarly hickey. I’m still waiting.”

“I’m sorry that I was being a dick and tried to kill you. There.”

“And I’m sorry that I upset you with the truth.”

“But—”

“No buts. I’m right, you’re wrong, that’s how it is. Now, get to bed, you look like shit.” I didn’t talk with Ember for days, weeks. I knew it was best for the both of us. She has Ben and I have my career, that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Notes

starting wednesday, i'll be taking a day or three (lol) off cause once i get to minnesota, i'm not sure what my aunt might wanna do along with cousins and long-distance friends sooo, yeah. you guys won't miss me.

luv yewr cute faces & go follow me on wattpad @noceur