In And Out Of Love

Harry kept looking at me, trying to make eye contact, but I just couldn’t look at him. The problems I had circulating in my head felt way bigger than I was and way more than I could be capable to take care off. Seeing Harry cry in front of me hurt me the most. I knew he deserved to know what had happened and what I was thinking. But why was it so hard to open my mouth?

He wiped his eyes and cleared his throat before getting up from the floor. I didn’t want him to leave. I really didn’t. But I felt paralyzed and still couldn’t open my mouth and speak to him.

“It scares me that I don’t know what is going on. I can see you thinking about something so hard in your head but you’re not talking to me. I just… I don’t know where my Gracie went? You know you can tell me anything in this world, anything.” He said and looked at me. I registered everything he said but still couldn’t speak.

“It’s Theo, he did something. Didn’t he? I’m going to show him what…” Harry continued, his anger building up again.

“No! No… he didn’t do anything.” I managed to say. I knew just how sceptical Harry had been about me and Theo doing this together, I didn’t want him to think anything wrong had happened with him.

“Then what happened? Please, talk to me. Have I done something?” Harry calmed down and kneeled in front of me again, taking my hands to his.

“No, you didn’t. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you or anything you’ve done. This is completely on me.” I said through my tears.

“What is on you?” Harry continued. I started crying again. He came to sit on the sofa, lifted my legs over his lap and pulled me to his arms. I sobbed against his chest, his shirt getting wet from my tears and felt his arms tight around me. I loved him so much.

“I’m so sorry for acting the way I did tonight. I understand you were really worried about me and I feel terrible for not taking it more seriously and not thinking how you must have felt when you couldn’t reach me. I just had the worst breakdown in my life tonight. And I didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I was so, so tired and fed up.” I explained and pulled myself away from Harry’s chest and looked at his face.

“Okay, okay… you’re forgiven. But what breakdown? Why?” Harry asked softly and had a confused look on his face.

I looked down to his shirt and tugged the hem of it a little nervously, before I told him about Naomi and what we had seen at the party. The dancing, the money, the people, the drugs. How it all went down after the party. Everything… except what had happened with that awful and disgusting man. I just couldn’t.

“And yes, she practically blames me for everything and thinks that I try to live a perfect life and that everyone sees me that way as well. Which is absolutely not true. I just cannot deal with the fact that she might seriously get into some really big trouble. And what, all because of me? Because she has felt all her life that I have been this perfect girl, calling her a slut and being forgiven about every little mistake I have ever done way too easily. I care about her, so very much. And it’s killing me that she thinks this way about me.” I talked fast, my thoughts pouring out of my mouth. “What if she overdoses? Do you think I can ever live with myself knowing I was the reason she started doing the things she is now doing?” I said and shook my head.

“Hey… listen now. You are not the one forcing her to do anything. And you never were. These are her decisions, no matter how bad they are. Don’t be this hard on yourself. You’ve tried many times to get it right with her and if she chooses to do the things she is currently doing, no one else can change that for her. It has to be something that she realises.” Harry said and squeezed my shoulder.

“But I can’t let her ruin her life! That’s the thing. I just can’t. And I know it’s hard for you or to anyone to really, truly understand why I have the need to fix things with her. I do blame myself to a certain extent… to a lot of it.” I said quietly.

“I promise I’m going to try to understand you better… but you need to step back from all of this a little too. Maybe give it a little more time. She has some time to think after everything that happened tonight. Seeing you and everything… She will come around.” Harry was being optimistic and offered me a tiny smile.

“Thanks babe… I’m going to try to step back. And yeah, giving this whole thing a bit more time sounds like a good idea. I really need to try to clean my head as well. I love you.” I smiled a little back at him and kissed his lips.

“I love you more.” Harry responded and kissed me back softly.

We stayed in the living room for a little while, holding each other and barely talking. It felt nice and comforting for having him there with me, supporting me and trying to understand. After a while, my mind started racing again and I wondered how the night had ended for Theo and Naomi. I didn’t remember seeing any messages or calls from Theo the last time I checked my phone, so it kind of scared me a little bit. I could only hope for the best.

“Should we get to bed? I think we both could use some sleep right now.” Harry interrupted my thinking and said, kissing my head.

“Um… yeah. It’s just that I didn’t tell mom you would stay here tonight and I kind of feel like sleeping a little later tomorrow. And then it’s just a bit of a hassle if you stay here and you know…” I said barely without thinking why exactly I felt the need to lie to him.

“What… I mean, sure. Are you sure? I just figured since it was already this late and everything…” Harry looked at me confused and I couldn’t blame him.

“Yeah, I know… I’m sorry. New rules with mom.” I tried to brush it off with humour.

“Um… of course. No problem.” Harry responded, got up from the sofa and smiled. But he couldn’t hide the fact that he was beyond confused on what I had just said. I felt like he could see through me as well; I was being dishonest with him and he didn’t know why.

“I’m sorry… try to understand. I’m going to talk with her tomorrow about these things again. Okay?” I smiled and got up from the sofa as well and wrapped my arms around his waist.

“Okay. I just thought you already kind of did…” He said and smiled a bit.

“Please, don’t be mad about this.” I said and pouted my lips a bit before tiptoeing and kissing him.

“Nah, I won’t.” He smiled. “See you tomorrow then?”

“Naturally. Good night. And thanks for everything. I really do love you so very much.” I told him again as he was leaving and standing at the front porch.

“I love you too. And you promise everything’s alright? Or as alright as it can be considering the circumstances?” Harry still wanted to know. I could see he was really thinking about why exactly I didn’t let him stay for the night.

“Absolutely. I feel a lot better after talking with you. Things will get better, I know that. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye.” I said and closed the door as Harry got into his car.

I stood in the hallway for a few minutes, trying to understand why I wanted to be alone this night. It had already been a horrible evening and normally, I would have welcomed Harry with open arms. But I just simply didn’t feel like it. I just wanted to sleep alone and sleep a lot.

I went to bed right after I showered, my hair dripping wet but I didn’t care. After pulling the blanket almost over my head, I fell asleep instantly.

Notes

A little bit of a short one, sorry about that!

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