In And Out Of Love

I closed the car door and took a deep breath and blew some air out of my mouth. This was it. I hadn’t talked with Naomi for months and I knew nothing about her any longer. For what I had heard, she was not the same girl any longer. I saw Theo standing in front of a coffee shop and he was looking at me, motioning for me to walk there with his hand.

Then I saw her. She stepped out of the coffee shop, her walking seemingly not straight, carrying a take-away coffee cup. She didn’t see me or register anything happening around her. She walked straight to Theo. He turned to look at her but they didn’t say anything.

I started to walk towards them slowly. I didn’t want to scare her away or make it look like I was there to prove a point or anything. I wanted this to be as peaceful as possible.

“Hi Naomi.” I said as I got to them. Theo was observing the both of us.

“You got to be kidding me?” Naomi said harshly and looked disgusted when she saw me. She turned to Theo. “You little fucker didn’t say a word. You think I would have agreed to come with you anywhere if I knew she was going to tag along. Fuck this.” She continued, threw her coffee down to the ground and started walking away from us.

“Hey… hey! Come on. Just wait. We both want to talk with you and help you.” Theo ran after her and grabbed her hand to make her stop walking. I took another deep breath and followed him. I felt like I had no energy for arguing with her, not after what had happened earlier at the party. But I had to try. She was the reason everything happened in the first place. I wanted to help her.

“Nope, no way. I’m not talking with her. She’s a bitch and she knows it very, very well.” She said louder this time and looked at me as she said the word ‘bitch’. I had to admit I felt a twitch in my heart.

“Look… we’ve come here for you. Both of us. And she knows you two are not friends any longer. But she still cares about you and wants to help you. That’s why we are both here. Just please, talk to us.” Theo continued pledging with her. Naomi shook her head and started walking again. I caught up with her and went to stand in front of her.

“This is not who you are. I refuse to believe it. I know you are hurting inside and this has all just gotten so out of hand. Let me help you, please.” I said and grabbed her shoulders forcing her to face me and stop walking.

“You don’t know me, not anymore! This is who I am, okay? Deal with it. I don’t want to have anything to do with you or anyone else. It’s in my past and that’s the way I want to keep it. You chose him over me, you did. And obviously, so did everyone else. Everyone thought I was the crazy one, the unreasonable one. I’m just so sick at everyone thinking you are such a good girl and forgiving everything you do. You can just keep on staying perfect in your little world. Just let me go.” She yelled at me, yanking herself free from my hold and started walking again.

“I’m not perfect! And I have never even tried to be perfect either! But I don’t just shut people out of my life without a proper explanation like you have done here, to everyone. Not just me. I’m worried about you, okay! The people I saw at the party cannot be good for you in any way. You can’t lie about that to me.” I continued and walked behind her. She turned around and stopped walking again.

“You know what? Shit happens. You always thought that I was a whore. Maybe I am? Maybe I just like doing what I do now. You’ll get over it.” She was now smiling and mocking me. I stopped walking and she did the same.

“Girls… this is just… I don’t even know what to say. But I agree with Gracie here. You need help. If you think selling your body and using drugs is a good choice for you, then you are obviously very, very wrong.” Theo said and stepped in between Naomi and me.

Had I seriously drove her to do this to herself? Yes, I had accused her of being way too promiscuous with guys but only because it was true and because I thought she was worth way more than that. I never meant her to take it this way. I could feel a pounding in my head rising and a serious headache starting to take over.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and picked it up. Harry was calling me. Suddenly, I felt like I couldn’t’ handle anything any longer. I wanted to disappear and never see anyone again. I didn’t want to think I was the reason why Naomi was hurting herself now. I didn’t want to face Harry and tell him what had happened earlier tonight. I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

“Gracie, Liam is calling me now. He’s probably with Harry. Should I answer?” Theo said quietly and turned to face me, his phone in his hand. “Hey, you okay?” He then asked as he looked at me more carefully. “Are you okay? You’re face is like… white.” He continued and put his hand on my shoulder.

“Don’t touch me.” I said angrily at him and gave him a bad look. “And you… you go do whatever the fuck you want to do. I can’t deal with this shit any longer. I’m done… I’m so fucking done.” I then said and looked straight at Naomi who seemed a little surprised at my words. Like she wasn’t expecting anything like that from me. Like she was counting on me being her saviour no matter what. But I wanted to get away from them and never see them again.

I walked back to my car and could hear Theo talking to someone on his phone. I looked back at him and Naomi and Theo was obviously trying to figure out the street where we were. Great, he was probably telling Liam or Harry where I was. I needed to get out of there as fast as possible, I didn’t want to see anyone. I hopped inside my car and drove off, my wheels making a lot of noise from the excessive speed of the car.

I started driving towards home but took the weirdest route I could think of at that moment so I didn’t accidentally come across Harry. That’s how bad I wanted to disappear. I didn’t even want to see Harry, whom I loved so very much. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I imagined Harry’s worried face in my head. He was looking for me because he cared. He really loved me.

But I couldn’t let anyone else ruin their life because of me. And on top of everything, I felt disgusted physically about myself. I couldn’t get away from still feeling that awful man touching me inappropriately. I could still feel his hold on me. His hands on me, him breathing heavily to my neck.

I opened our front door quietly and put the light on in the hallway. I could see mom’s shoes and jacket were missing so she was probably at Johnny’s place. I closed the door and broke down completely. I needed my mom here, to comfort me and to hold me. But I could never tell her; she would worry way too much. But why did she have to be away so much? I was still her little girl although I was big enough to take care of myself to a certain extent. But no, it almost felt like Johnny was more important. Had she just been waiting that I was old enough so she could finally go and live the life she wanted? What if I was just a burden to her?

My self-esteem had never been this down. I felt like I wanted to die… and the thought of it scared me even more, making me gasp for air and crying harder than ever before. What was happening to me? Why was I blaming myself for everything? Had I really tried to be a perfect girl? Was that why everyone was my friend? Was that why Harry was with me? I was not perfect. I was the reason Naomi was hurting herself and could possibly end up dead with the people she was hanging with. I was not perfect.

Somehow I managed to get myself to the bedroom and to my bed. I threw the blanket over my head and continued crying and felt like my chest was collapsing on me. Just as I was about to drift away and sleep from the exhaustion, I heard loud banging downstairs.

My heart started racing and I could feel my hands getting cold, like my blood was trying to retreat from my body. Maybe it was that man from the party. Maybe he wanted his revenge. Or maybe it was the police accusing me of beating an innocent man.

I got up from the bed slowly and walked downstairs, tugging my shirt down. I hadn’t bothered to change from my clothes earlier, nothing like that mattered at this point. I heard a voice coming behind the front door. Someone was talking. And then another voice… someone else again. I couldn’t make any sense of the words because their voices were so muted. But it was obvious it was two men.

I practically jumped when my phone started vibrating on the floor. My purse was lying on the floor as well and some of my stuff had fallen out from there after I had collapsed. I kneeled down to pick the phone up and noticed it was Harry again. I looked at the door and closed my eyes.

It was definitely Harry and Liam behind my door.

They banged the door again and then I got a text.

‘We’re seriously going to break the door down if you don’t open it. Or call the police. You have one minute.’ I read Harry’s text. I knew he was absolutely serious.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” I whispered and closed my eyes. I had to open the door for them, I had to. I couldn’t handle a broken door or police officers at our home tonight. I turned the lock slowly and pushed the door open.

Harry seemed shocked after seeing me and he couldn’t say anything. Liam shook his head slowly but looked sad at the same time. He stepped in first. I took a few steps backwards, trying to swallow down the tears trying very hard to escape from my eyes. It felt good to see them but at the same time I felt like I shouldn’t see them ever. I was blaming myself for so many things that I just didn’t want to hurt either of them in any way. And hurting someone was the only thing I thought I was truly capable of doing.

“Gracie… What happened?” Liam asked quietly and came to stand right in front of me after closing the door. I could see Harry behind him, his head hanging and looking down on the ground, shaking his head. I wasn’t sure if he was angry or sad or if he was blaming me for something.

“It’s too long of a story. I’m okay, really. I’m just so tired I want to sleep. Can we talk tomorrow?” I said and sounded quite cold and emotionless. I had a very hard time hiding my true feelings.

“We don’t care how long the story is. We’ve been looking for you and he’s been calling you multiple times and worrying his ass off. Don’t you think you own him an explanation?” Liam continued, sounding harsher this time.

“You have nothing to worry about. That’s the bottom line. I don’t need to explain anything.” I said back, surprising everyone in the hallway. I didn’t sound anything like myself. And I knew Liam was right in everything he said.

“What? You are lying.” Liam responded astonished and shook his head at my behaviour.

“No… I’m not ly…” I started but got interrupted by Harry who stepped next to Liam and looked at my eyes.

“Shut up. Who the hell are you? I’ve been worrying so much about you and you have the nerve to treat us like this? This is not the girl I know and love.” He said. I had never seen him this angry and I could never have imagined how angry he could even get. I guess we were pretty close to that limit.

I couldn’t say anything. Seeing him looking at me like he didn’t know me ripped my heart open. I closed my eyes and tried my best to push the tears back. I just couldn’t tell him what I thought of myself and what had happened.

As I opened my eyes, I could see Liam whispering to Harry’s ear and then touching my cheek quickly before he left. Now, it was just Harry and I.

I turned around, walked to the living room and sat down on the sofa. Harry had followed me but he didn’t sit next to me. He kneeled down in front of me and placed his hands on my thighs, his eyes filling with tears.

At that moment, I had to let myself break down as well.

Notes

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