Transatlanticism

“For how long have you known this?” I asked him when I had calmed down. We sat across from each other in the kitchen. We always seemed to lead the most important discussions in here – I felt a strong repulsion towards the room but I was also thankful it existed. It was strangely warm in here, considering the fact I still haven’t put on any real clothing. Harry’s big shirt hung off my shoulder as I fiddled with buttons.

“I…” he looked at the ground and cleared his throat before he continued “I have known for a while now.”

“Define a while, Harry.” I didn’t mean to sound harsh but my demand came out as a loud bark.

“What do you want me to say, Broke? A while.” he replied, making it clear he was not afraid of what I had to say.

I nodded my head and looked at the ground. He asked me if I was upset but I never replied because I don’t think I could find words to. I wasn’t upset, I wasn’t mad, I don’t know what was going on in my head but I’m pretty sure the only emotion I felt at the moment was fear. True and consuming fear of losing the only one I’ve actually ever cared about.

“Broke, you have to say something.” he sighed and I looked at him.

“You’re not going to do this to me.” I let out through my teeth and he just looked at me, shocked by my reaction.

“It’s not my fault I have brain tumor.” he defended himself.

“That’s not what I’m talking about. You cannot just waltz in here with a story like “I’m dying” and expect of me not to even care about that attitude. You’re going to fight this, and you’re going to beat it’s ass. Don’t even think about shutting me out because it’s not happening. Not now, not ever. We’re in this together.” I grabbed his hand across the table and he smiled at me, shoving his hand in his pocket.

He put his hand on the table and slid a tiny box in my direction. I took it in my hand and looked at him, a shocked expression on my face.

“It’s not what you think it is.” he smiled and nodded at me to open it, and I did.
Inside was a key, with a silver hedgehog keychain.

"It's the key to this place, in case you wanted to crash here sometime or, you know, what ever. Maybe stay with me for a couple of days or just..." he scratched his head.

I laughed and stood up, crossing the distance and sitting on his lap. He kissed my neck and buried his head in my hair sighing happily.

“Is it because of it you were so tired lately?” I asked silently, and he looked at me.

“It’s actually the chemo. It’s extremely exhausting.” he was talking with a certain dose of restraint, as if he was afraid of what I’m going to say next or how I would react.

“How long have you been going?” I hugged him tight, laying my head on his shoulder. He put his hands around my thighs, holding me close to him.

“A couple of weeks.” he replied. His answers were short and precise because he didn’t want me to ask any further questions.

“Harry…” I started, “I know that you don’t want to talk about this but we have to because I have to know. I’m not going to feel sorry for you, I want to help you. I want to do this with you but you have to help me because I don’t know what I’m dealing with here, okay? I’m trying to stay calm about this, darling, but you have to help me, you have to.” I kissed his neck and felt him shiver.

He caressed my thighs with his thumbs and swallowed hard. I felt him stiffen under me and I rose my head, moving some hair out of his face so I could see his eyes.
He sighed heavily and then his eyes were on mine.

“It’s gonna get bad. And when I say bad, I mean the worst time of your life. There’s a 40% chance I won’t make it out alive at all. 40% chance that you’ll watch me slowly and painfully die. It started with me forgetting little things, like where I left my keys or my wallet.” he started and I nodded. His eyes averted.

“My hands are shaking all the time. My body’s cold. I have coordination problems – I- I can’t…” he looked at the ground and I kissed his cheek, reassuring him.

“It’s alright, baby, I promise it’s alright.” I whispered and he turned his gaze back at me, his emerald eyes glossy and his pretty pink lips dry.

“I won’t be able to drive anymore. I’m okay for now, but in a week or so, I don’t think I’ll be able to do it. It started with me forgetting little things, but now…” he shook his head, “It took me an hour to remember where I was this morning. I was convinced I was in New York with you.” he hung his head.

I felt my heart beat faster, my palms were sweating. Everything was becoming real, so real I could taste it while it ate me up.

“How did you find out?” I asked him, the curiosity getting the best of me.

“I scheduled an appointment after I dropped a bowl of fruit on that morning you left. I thought you were in the living room or something, I didn’t think you left. I was gonna bring you some fruit but my hands blocked and I dropped it. I stayed in that position for a while as I couldn’t move. It was terrifying.” I nodded and he looked at the ground.

“Broke…” he looked at me but I interrupted him.

“I know what you’re going to say. If I stay, I might have to watch you die. But, Harry, your odds are good! You can fight this, I know you can. You’re not going to die on me, I’m not going to allow it. I just got you back and no tumor is going to take you away from me.” he smiled at me when I said this.

“I wish that was what I wanted to say, princess.” he held my face in his hands now, kissing my nose.

“What I wanted to say was much uglier.” his voice shook as he said this, “There’s a big chance I will die slowly and painfully. It could last for months, even years. There’s a chance I’ll change hospitals every day, and there’s definitely be days when chemo will exhaust me so much I won’t even be able to get up in the morning. What if one day I never get up at all? What if I end up a fucking vegetable and you have to change my diapers for the rest of your life. Broke, I could ruin your life!” there were tears in his eyes as he said this and I kissed him with everything I had.

“You could never ruin my life because you made it so much better. You saved me so many times in so many different ways. Don’t push me away.” I rested my forehead against his and he held me against him so tight.

“I love you, so much Broke.” he whispered to me, barely audible and I kissed him again.

“I love you more.”

Notes

Sorry for the delay, hope you enjoyed this one. Don't be afraid to give me some feedback, I enjoy reading your comments even though I don't always reply. I read all of them :)

Lots of love,
H.