Transatlanticism

“You know, you could just stay here. I can go alone.”, he whispered in my ear as we sat on the couch. He had chemo today and I’ve decided long ago that I’m ready for it. I wanted to see how it looked like, I wanted him to know that what ever happened, I could take it with him.

“Do you not want me there?” I asked, pinching his cheek.

“I don’t know. I mean, I love you but I’m not sure if I want you to see me that weak.”, he admitted and I frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m going to throw up. Several times, Broke. For sure.”, he looked at the floor.

My stomach twisted. I have completely ignored the fact there would be physical consequences, I only thought about his possible inner fear.

“I’ve gone alone before, I can do it I promise.”, he pinched my cheek like I did to him a couple of moments ago and kissed me.

“Be back in about 3 hours. You can invite Hayden, or go to her if you want. I’m sure you have a lot to talk about.”, he said as he grabbed his jacket and car keys. I frowned.

“Do you want her to know? Because I could-“

“You deserve to have someone you could vent to other than me.”, he interrupted, “Besides, she’s a friend. Right?”

“Right.”, I smiled, “Drive safe.”


*****


Hayden hadn’t said a word for a long time. She just stared at me with disbelief in her eyes, searching for a trace of a smile on my face, but one never came, and soon she gave up on her hope I was just joking. She took a deep breath, got up from our table and ordered a glass of wine. I couldn’t blame her – I would’ve done the same if I were in her shoes. Her gaze was empty, almost as if it was happening to her. I was aware of her fondness of Harry – she’s played a huge role in our relationship and has been here from the start but I never expected her to be this worried. This is why Hayden was one of the best people I’ve ever met in my life: she was always opened and honest about her emotions. It was impossible for her to hide the fact she was hurt, even if she tried. And right now, I was hurting her with words.

“But he has a good chance, right? He can make it.”, her voice shook.

“Yes, Hay.”, I lied to both of us, “His odds are really good.”

She nodded as her eyes moved to the window. Her eyes were glued to the glass as she watched kids playing in the park across the street. She smiled and looked back at me.

“He’s a fighter.”, she nodded more to herself, “Harry. He’s a fighter.”

“Yes, yes he is. We know better than anyone that he is.”, I put my hand on the table asking for hers. She held my hand and nodded again.

“He’s never let us down.”, she blurted out. I knitted my brows waiting for an explanation.

“Even when he was at his worst, even when we hated him. He never let us down.”, I nodded even though I wasn’t quite sure what she was talking about.

“He’s gonna do it for you, you know?”, she smiled.

“What do you mean?”

“He would do anything for you, and you know this. He proved this many times and I am sure he’s willing to spend the rest of his life pleasing you. The guy would die for you – he’s gonna live for you.”, she started romanticizing our relationship and Harry as a person.

“Hay, don’t go that far. He’s ill, and has to stay strong for himself, before anything.”

She nodded again and I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. When I pulled it out it was an unknown caller. I answered it anyway.

“Hello, is this Broke Sanders?”, the voice asked

“Yes, this is her. Do you mind me asking who’s calling?” I asked and Hayden knitted her eyebrows.

“It’s Dr. Hurley, I’m treating Mr. Styles.”, I froze.

“Is he alright?” I asked abruptly.

“Yes, no need to worry, I assure you. I’m calling to confirm your number. Mr. Styles chose you as his trust person in this programme, so if anything happens to him while he’s here, you will be informed directly by me, if that’s alright with you.”, even though it was better than Harry being hurt, it still made me feel uneasy.

“What else is trust person for?” I asked but the line was silent for a while.

“You’re the only person that can plug out the machines, if it ever comes to it. “, I closed my eyes there for a second.

“So, basically, Harry trusted me with his life.”

“You could put it that way, yes.”, the doctor replied.

“Fine, if that’s his wish, I will not interfere with his decisions.”, I sounded so strong, but in fact, I was on the verge of falling apart.

“It is really the best thing you could do. Also, if it isn’t a big problem, I would’ve liked it if someone came to pick Mr. Styles up today, he’s feeling worse than usually today, and, even though he claims he could drive himself home, I would appreciate you coming down.”, the doctor asked politely and I nodded.

“I’ll be there in 10.”


*****


When I entered Harry’s hospital room, I found him gripping onto the bucket they gave him, throwing up. I quickly dropped my bag on the closest chair and sat on the bed behind him, massaging his back and holding his hair out of his face.

“It’s okay, baby. Just let it go.” I cooed as he shook in my arms.

Harry was right this morning. I’ve never seen him this weak before and I wasn’t ready for it, I just wasn’t. Even though he tried hard not to let it show, this thing was taking him away from me. At least the form of him I’ve known. And as he breathed heavily, half sobbing, I had to push my tears back because I couldn’t cry in front of him. I had to stay strong.

“Hold my hand, baby boy.” I took the bucket instead and he held onto my hand tight. After about 5 minutes, the puking all together stopped and he was just rocking back and fort in my arms with tears in his eyes.

“I want to go home.”, he suddenly whispered.

Everything became too surreal for him as well. The doctor told me this was the worst therapy so far and a bunch of those is yet to come. Harry was breaking down, and he had all the right in the world to do so, and he couldn’t spend another minute in this hospital.

“We’re gonna go as soon as the doctor says it’s okay, I promise. Just hang on a bit longer. When we get home, I’m gonna make you some tea and make you forget about this, yeah?” I kissed his head as he nodded.

“I love you.”, he squeezed my hand.

“I love you more.”, I held my head against his shoulder and kissed his neck.

We were soon released and Harry went straight for the bedroom, exhausted and pale.

I locked myself in the bathroom and stayed there for a couple minutes, drowning in my tears.

Notes

Hope you like it, leave me comments.

Lots of Love,
H.